|
Quote:
By the by, the "Letter to Redneck Son" was pretty amusing. |
|
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Here's an update for you... Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.:D
|
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit." "A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman'. Her husband came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'. "Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't ? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator." "Q: Why do men usually die before their wives ? A: Because they want to." "A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once." A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying". Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son." "They say that breaking up is hard to do - but it's much easier with a restraining order and a rottweiler." "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." "Make love, not war. I'm married, I do both." "Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much... ...Monogamy ? It's the same." "Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener ". "You never truly know a woman 'til you meet her in court." "An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." "Life is a bitch, then you marry one." "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." "A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished." "My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog." "Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy ? A: Two Mothers-in-law." |
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?" "You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole the tent.? http://dc-mrg.english.ucsb.edu/Warne...tonto.lone.gif |
How to be a man......
1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work. 2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man. 3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic. 4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle? 5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction. 6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. ! Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard. 7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with. 8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah". 9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like. 10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line". 11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb. 12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! ! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms. 13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that. 14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings. 15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad. 16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it? 17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles. 18. TAKING OUT £ 200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later. 19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya." 20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver. 21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah. 22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo. 23. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage". 24. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad?" |
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Oh yeah i scored a 15 out of 20...on that test thingy... |
Quote:
;) |
YOU CAD! /Flayedetta
|
I like winks. They don't turn me to putty, but they're nice, especially when I don't expect them. My favorite is when a guy can arch one eyebrow.
Quote:
|
| All times are GMT -8. The time now is 12:33 PM. |