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That reminds me of a poem in a book I've had since I was nine or something like that:
It isn't the cough That carries you off. It's the coffin They carry you off in. |
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Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Eileen,
says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?" "Well, One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want." |
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'spits her coffee' LMAO |
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http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h1...stun/ymcaj.jpg
HAHA!...Now YOU GUYS have that song stuck in YOUR heads, too :p |
That coffin joke was terrible, oh my.
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give me a better one then or I'll flood you with bad ones!
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I was hopeing you wouldn't say that, let me think of something suitable for public distrobution.
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I just don't really feel like typing out a buncha crap...You don't have to ya know :) I gotta go soon anyway...Sun's coming up...Getting drained... |
Ok then I wont.
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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right f**in number!"..... and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen ." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2 . "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover . Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works... |
:D Fiendish haha.... the gay lover part is total gold!
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you want bad jokes... ask my man to tell you some !!LOL:o |
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been fucked?" The fellow said "No" She said "You will be when the tide comes in." why do I picture Murderdoll as the third woman? |
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time." The man replied "I know, I've been ill"
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Answers To Common Baby Questions
Q. Should I have a baby after 35? A. No, 35 children is enough. Q. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school. Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A. If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? A. Yes, your bladder. Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving? A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A. Childbirth. Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are. Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A. So what's your question? Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model? A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him. Q. How long is the average woman in labor? A. Whatever she says, divided by two. Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q. When is the best time to get an epidural? A. Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning? A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you. Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A. Yes, pregnancy. Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids? A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for. Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk? A. In your breasts. Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? A. Yes, baby lips. Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. Q. How does one sanitize nipples? A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan. Q. What are the terrible twos? A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey. Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A. When you see teeth marks. Q. Do I have to have a baby shower? A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A. When the kids are in college. |
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
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WUAAAAAAAAAH!!!! TOO MUCH DRAMA!!! :mad: http://i124.photobucket.com/albums/p...gitaldevil.jpg |
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Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9, ... |
Toilet Cleaning Instructions/also good for stopping your cat from
drinking out of the toilet: Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse". Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. |
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A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they all yours?" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats. "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names." 'This one's my oldest; he is Leroy" "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one, he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy." The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "Then I calls em by their last names" |
Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience for total quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence .. "Weill, fukin stop doin it then!" |
two indians are walking down a road one says
"buffalo cum" the other says "how u know" "my ear is stuck to the ground" |
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A man goes sky diving for the first time, and he spots a blind man preparing for his jump. The man asks him, how do you sky dive if you're blind? And he responded by saying "I... jump out of the plane..."
The man then laughed and asked, "How do you know when to pull your parachute cord?" The blind man responded with "I adapted to being able to smell the pine from 30,000 feet up." Then the interested man said, "how do you know when to prep for landing??" Then the blind man giggled and replied..................................... "When the LEASH goes SLACK!":D |
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That's what I said when I read that one.;) |
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Thanks for clearing that one up. |
pfft. There's always a crowd that doesn't get it
I think it's hysterical. |
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I wasn't thinking about the dog. :o |
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