Horror.com Forums - Talk about horror. - OH MY GOTH!!!...You Guys Better Seek Professional Help...Immediately!

"-Frequently wears black clothing."
OMG, Johnny Cash was a goth!

"-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts."
Too much of a generalization. If it's an 80's synth group or something like that, maybe, but if it's a Doobie Brothers shirt, probably not

"-Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish."
Ok, now they're stealing stuff from You Might Be A Prostitute if...

"-Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include:
reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other
Satanic worshipping symbols."
Silly rabbit, symbols don't worship anything.
Also, ankhs are Egyptian

"-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos."
That's skaters, you idiot

"-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)"
Also, reimburse the $20-30 that was paid for said album

"-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically."
Eccentric:
1 a : deviating from an established or usual pattern or style b : deviating from conventional or accepted usage or conduct especially in odd or whimsical ways
damn those whimsical speakers!

"-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the
Bible, prayer, church or sports."
Bible: Boring except for Leviticus
Prayer: I have bad knees
Church: *shrug*
Sports: Conform! CONFORM! Also, boring except wrestling

"-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan."
only maybe one or two of those involve Satan. For some people who hate him so much, they sure do give him a lot of power

"-Takes drugs."
HA!

"-Drinks alcohol."
See above, re: Drugs

"-Is suicidal and/or depressed."
Emo

"-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation.
(This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)"
Clearly, his research on self-mutilation was staggering

"-Complains of boredom."
...yeah...I'm not even going to bother

"-Sleeps too excessively or too little."
Well, which is it?

"-Is excessively awake during the night."
Define "night" Is it when it's dark out? Are there specific hours? What if they're going to midnight mass? Being awake at midnight is a bit excessive, especially when you're going somewhere for an hour or so

"-Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to
vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.)"
uh, if it's pertaining to vampires, then it's promoting the idea that sunlight would cause one to burst into flames, which would mean that "His" light would be of great use. Or maybe they just REALLY liked The Others.

"-Demands an unusual amount of privacy."
How much is unusual?

"-Spends large amounts of time alone."
Maybe people don't like them. If they're normal by the exact terms of this list, I would understand why

"-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your chid may speak to evil sprits through meditation.)"
who says they're evil? And if they're alone, how would you know what they're doing?

"-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult."
Well, you guys aren't any fun

"-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this."
Teachers: A lot of them are morons
Priests: Pedophiles
Nuns: Repressed control-frekas
Elders: You mean old people? How are they authority figures? They're senile and mean.

"-Misbehaves at school.
-Misbehaves at home."
Maybe it's the shitty parenting that's to blame.

"-Eats excessively or too little."
Excessively: Take it as a compliment and shut the fuck up
Too little: Dads, maybe next time you're slapping your wife around you could add in that she should cook better

"-Eats goth-related foods. Count Chocula cereal is an example of this."
No it isn't. Dumbass

"-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)"
Again, you obviously know nothing about vampires.

"-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)"
Ah, the old "Liberal-Jew Media Consipracy" schtick. Booooring

"-Plays video games that contain violence or role-playing nature."
Yeah, because Christians know nothing about commiting violence towards other people.

"-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the
computer."
See, now that's automatically assuming that they're doing something bad on the computer. How about having a bit of that "faith" crap you people seem to hold in such high regard?

"-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music."
Given some of the videos they have nowadays, they might be having a seizure. Yes, your kid is dying right in front of you while you yell at them. Is that another sign of Gothismness?

"-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
-Expresses an interest in sex.
-Masturbates"
I'm just going to assume you know why that's stupid and move on

"-Is homosexual and/or bisexual."
Of the 1,200 vague and stupid definitions of "goth" I've seen, butt sex is in exactly 0 of them

"-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism,
Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism."
Yeah, you obviously have done no research into any topic that you've talked about in this shitty essay. You know nothing about any of these religions because you're ignorant and intolerant and a dumbass. I'm surprised you spelled Buddhism right.

"-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various
phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth"."
Yeah, if they've got any of those, they aren't being serious.

"-Claims to be a goth."
Usually means they're not a goth. See also: People who are "punk"

While you're at it, you may as well tell the parents that if they have any of these symptoms at all (Jesus wouldn't take any chances, after all) to round them all up and burn them at the stake. But that's an interest in death, better throw yourselves on the fire while you're at it