My Wife went to the doctors, 8months pregnant. She wanted to go on the pill, but the doctor just laughed and said "you dont need to .cos your 8months pregnant"

"Well mi husbands found another hole and i couldn't bear a lump on mi back"

True story.......;)

I wouldn't say "true story" about that one, seeing as that would mean you married without a doubt THE dumbest person on the face of the earth over the age of 10.

I went to the doctor and told him I feel like a pair of curtains...

Then he spread you open and had a peek at the scenery?

I walked in on an ex giving head to a midget one time.


I never thought she would stoop so low.

LOFL....Obviously its not a true story as theres a wink at the end of it.:D

are you suggesting we get rid of the weekly stake?





A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.

"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"

The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.

"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.

"Is there time?" asks the priest

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up
and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop."

"It was my first day with the hook."
:D :D

Two couples were playing poker one evening.
John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them up,
he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any
underwear under her dress.

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up
again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some

refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you
see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously
admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you
$500." After taking a minute or two to assess the
financial and moral costs of this offer,John confirms
that he is interested.

She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday
afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her
house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's
house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the
agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly
dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and
upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly.
"Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With
a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did
stop by for few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband
curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?
"In terror she assumed that somehow he had found
out and after mustering her best poker face,
replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife
by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did.
John came by the office this morning and borrowed
$500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our
house this afternoon on his way home and pay
me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

:D :D

Ive got one.





A Serial Killer walks into a bar.







No one walks out.