Oh shit, it's official--I'M OLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website (frightening, isn't it!)

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

hee hee hee



urge would like this one.

I thought about posting it down south for him. Nah...I'll just pm it to him.


Never mind, I see Mr. urge doesn't accept pm's. :p

Sex on Mars.... The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent
flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and
are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market,
if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?"
asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion
ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and
experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom
where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half
an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to
work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem,"
he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his
forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil,
it's still pretty narrow..." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his
ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they
fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate
ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping
my forehead and pulling my ears.

http://www.freemobilefun.net/wallp/2...-martian-2.jpg

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl,
"Gloria, have you ever had contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies,
"Well I once touched one with the tip of my finger . . ."
St. Peter says,
"Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
"Catherine, have youever had contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant, but replies,
"Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says,
"OK. Dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gates."

All of the sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says,
"Lisa! What seems to be the rush".
The girl replies,



"Well, if I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her ass in it!

LOL ..
F.O..
you should hear some of the dumbass questions i get about newzealand...right from wearing grass skirts n since the release of L.O.T.R..HAIRY FUCKING FEET'..
and apparently..we all live in mud houses..
and the native maari run around poking thier tongues out to visitors..but hey..thats ok cos we are also another part of AUSTRALIA..
:rolleyes:

Friday again. I'm BBQing tonight, and I'm feeling a little festive. Since they don't carry Negro Modelo or Pacifico aroudn here, looks like I'm drinking:

https://www.arcticliquor.com/images/DSC00463.JPG

...with a lime.

Dos Equis is a beer that I will actually drink.

Dos Equis: the official beer of Phantasm! Used extensively in the making of Phantasm! (chuckles)

Gonna start with a couple of these

http://www.mylifeisbeer.com/beer/bot...utopics/62.jpg

then going to see my nephews band at a club...so i'll most likely end the night with good ole trusty

http://www.koff.fi/stc/images/docs/budweiser.jpg

Does anyone in here drink Stella...can't remember what the rest of it is. It's from Belgium. It's my bros' brand o' choice.

Stella Artois "Reassuringly expensive" as they say on the adverts. I used to but don't drink much now, when I do I like Hobgoblin.

Don't get me started(I realize Stella is big in the states)Belgium produces more fine beers than a beach does sand.Stella(in my opinion)ranks last on the list...but that's me.

Now a good Belgium white or Trappist(real trappist)now your talking......the drink of kings or queens for that matter(I think witches would like it too;) )

Cheers!!

After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon
be coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is
important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of
this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of
cooking a real man will do, probably because there is
an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following
chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables,
and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it
on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils
and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging
beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and
cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat
is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring
another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT
TO THE WOMAN.
More routine.....
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread,
utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the
table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does
the dishes.

And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his
cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "Her night
off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes
that there's just no pleasing some women.

Only alcoholic thing i've ever had is a screwdriver... yeah

A philips head or flat head? HAW!!!

Durrrrrrrr.

You can get drunk on "screwdrivers"; but when you're unable to walk, they say that you're "hammered." Go figure!

Booo-urns!

Top Ten Most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down... by David Letterman


10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.


And the ..#1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped...


1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

Counting down to the NFL draft. I really hope the Raiders have some sense and don't draft a QB. Anyways, I'll be travelling to the parents to watch it with my old man. The drink will be on.

Unfortunately, I'm a bit strapped for cash, so I'll have to drink his beer, which is the reprehensible Coor's Lite. It'll take me about 15 to get buzzed, and then I'll feel bloated. I think I might purchase a 6er of:

http://www.geocities.com/smhoward2/m...ideMickeys.jpg

and slam them. That oughta cure what ails me;)

Anyone else watching the draft?

:mad:

hee hee hee

Sorry, IA. I'm not a Coor's man. If I've offended you, I'll buy a six of it and drink it with you next time we hang out.;)

Yeah....sorry IA.....didn't mean to laugh....i'll buy a sixpack and pour it down the toilet .







hell, it all ends up in there anyway.

Now that right there, that's comedy.

newb wins at INTERNET today!:D

That's what you get for saying "Durrr" to my joke.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have enough time

Why were men put on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn

Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to put them in

What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're intended for children, but men usually play with them

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he' d be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Jeff and Steven were fishing one day when Steven pulled out a cigarette. Finding he had no matches, he asked Jeff for a light.

"Yeah, sure, I think I have a lighter," he replied Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 12 inches long.

"Holy Shit!" exclaimed Steven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his
hands. "Where did you get that monster??"

"Well," replied Jeff, "I got it from my Genie."

"You have a Genie?" Steven asked.

"Yeah, sure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Jeff.

"Could I see him?"

Jeff opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Steven says, "Hey there! I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes, I will," says the Genie

So Steven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Steven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Steven yells at Jeff. "What the hell?! I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!"

Jeff answers, "Yeah, I forgot to tell ya that the Genie is hard of hearing.

Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch BIC?"

Check out this guest list for the upcoming Fangoria Weekend of Horrors.........hmmm....its only 3000 mile away.


http://www.creationent.com/cal/dod.htm

SPAMMER!!!!

Oh wait....

Newb, me lad!

Things Stressed Women Say At Work:

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Well aren't we a damn ray of sunshine!
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don't you practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self control?
11. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
12. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
13. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
14. Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
15. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
16. Don't worry, I forgot your name too.
17. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
18. Not all men are annoying - some are dead.
19. Wait....I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
20. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
21. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
22. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
23. Earth is full. Go home.
24. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
25. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
26. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
27. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
28. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!

Girl, that is too too good. I'm gonna have to send that to my friend, Jodie. She'll love it. Thanks for giving me a laugh.:)

I'm always happy to provide a laugh or two (or three, or four, or five, etc., etc., etc.,) :D

OH.....I SEE HOW IT IS.......TAKE THIS.



What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

How do you turn a fox into a rottweiller?

Marry her.

What is the one food that can kill a womans sex drive instantly?

Wedding cake.

What does a motor scooter and a fat woman have in common?

Theyre both fun to ride until your friends see you.

Whats the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

About 45 pounds.

Sometimes I wake up grouchy in the morning, but sometimes I let her sleep in.

I havent spoken to my wife for a whole year, I dont want to interrupt her.

How do you spot a macho woman?

Shes rolling her own tampons.

A man will dig under his car seat to find loose change.
A woman will put a 10% off sale item on a credit card charging 20% interest.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Q: Why are wedding dresses white?

A: All household appliances come in white.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what did you do wrong?

A: Made her chain too long.

Q: What's the difference between a Mississippi tornado and a Mississippi divorce?

A: Not a thing... either way you lose the trailer.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel! Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look great?
A. Put a nipple on it.

Some of those are actually funny, newb! :D

Arrogant Bastard! :D

Rottweilers happen to be my favorite kind of dog, damnit. Let's not talk shit about rottis.



;) :D