And don't you forget it!:D


By the by, the "Letter to Redneck Son" was pretty amusing.

I'm thinking for tomorrow





http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...un-Mooning.gifhttp://www.drinkingstuff.com/images/products/958_l.jpg

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Here's an update for you... Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.:D

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."

"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."

"A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman'. Her husband came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'.

"Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't ?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator."

"Q: Why do men usually die before their wives ?
A: Because they want to."

"A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying".

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

"They say that breaking up is hard to do - but it's much easier with a restraining order and a rottweiler."

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

"Make love, not war. I'm married, I do both."

"Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much...
...Monogamy ? It's the same."

"Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener ".

"You never truly know a woman 'til you meet her in court."

"An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."

"Life is a bitch, then you marry one."

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

"A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished."

"My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog."

"Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy ?
A: Two Mothers-in-law."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto. Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically,it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole the tent.?
http://dc-mrg.english.ucsb.edu/Warne...tonto.lone.gif

How to be a man......

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. ! Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! ! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £ 200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

23. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

24. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad?"

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!



Oh yeah i scored a 15 out of 20...on that test thingy...

Let's find out. HEY LADIES!!!

;)

YOU CAD! /Flayedetta

I like winks. They don't turn me to putty, but they're nice, especially when I don't expect them. My favorite is when a guy can arch one eyebrow.

That is fucking brilliant, Rayne, especially when you take into account some of the men I've had.

How to be a man......

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.Umm...I open jars for Dustin...honestly

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.Well...I call my son 'Son'

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.I can pull off a wicked mean tackle...But, that's usually when I'm wrestling :D

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?I've sharpened many pencils with a pocket knife

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.Okay...I have no idea what you're talking about here

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. ! Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.Heh...I can definitely do this (and have DONE this) with Jack Daniels...Does that count?

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.These are in my basement tool room...Broom handles work when ya can't find a piece of wood, or don't feel like leaving what you're painting to go down in the basement

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".Hmm...C-Section scar from hip to hip count?...How about a crescent-shaped scar on the back of the top of my right arm where I swung the claw hammer back too far (demolishing a wall) and ripped my arm open with it?

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like. Okay...The hangover I can do...The stubble I can't...

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".We all do this...And they nod at us, too

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.Hammer Drill, Band Saw, Circular Saw, Power Drill...These are mine, I don't let Dustin use them...I wouldn't want him to get hurt ;)

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! ! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.Nope...I don't do that

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.Does a club count?...For some reason, everyone always seems to notice when I walk in...And the first time Dustin went with me, Sergio came running at me from across the room and jumped off the floor, into my arms...That was some funny shit...Probably woulda been funnier if I hadn't caught him, or if I woulda dropped him...haha

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.Umm...Yeah...I actually need to START doing this

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.I always carve EVERYTHING, and serve all the food...I just thought that was part of doing the cooking

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?Not me...

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.Never found this to be a necessity...I just always make sure the head's on the handle tightly

18. TAKING OUT £ 200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.I just cash checks and pay bills...I keep the rest of the money in my pocket

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."I rarely EVER answer my phone...Actually, now that I think about it...I have not used a phone in over a week

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.My ability to parallel park quickly and correctly was one of the first things that impressed Dustin...Yup, he's easily impressed...lol

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.I've worked in the fields (from to ages of 10-16)...Planting, cropping and harvesting tobacco...Picking corn, digging potatoes, pulling turnips, etcetera...AND following a flatbed truck to lift hay bales and throw 'em on top, you get six bales high and you gotta start kickin' 'em up there with your knee...It's hot, dirty, sweaty work, but it makes ya strong and healthy...However...I REFUSE to drink beer *gag*

22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.Okay...I can't make this claim...I've always wondered why it takes guys so long...

23. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".HaHa...Each time I've had surgery, I'm up and doing stuff I've been ordered not to (usually after a day or two), because I get tired of 'being down'...I just say, "Okay, I've had enough 'recovery' now...Time to get shit done"....And, one time in high school, I was standing up in the back of a friend's convertible, he was driving through the parking lot, he cut the wheel and I went flying out in a sorta cartwheel...I hit the asphalt, bounced, rolled a few times, and stopped in a sitting up position with my hands flat on the ground on each side of me and I had yelled "STOP!" when I stopped...The seat and knees of my jeans were ripped open, My shoes were torn off my feet...My ass cheek, knees, toes, shoulders, elbows and fingers were bleeding...I walked into the nurse's station, the nurse looked up at me with a shocked look on her face...Blood was dripping off my fingers onto the floor...And I asked "Have you got a band-aid or somethin'?"...I fucking LOVED her expression...lol

24. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad?" I've known this since I was 4 :rolleyes:


Hmm...No wonder Seri says I'm more male than female...And Dustin, Rich, Stupid Shane and Sergio say that they are more feminine than I am...Of course, those guys are probably just girly...lol


Yeah...I think I just blew your 'How to be a man' theory all to hell:p

How well I know this, because I've tried to call you. I think your fuck-ass ex husband answered one night. Piece o' shit. Can I say that?

hootie hootie hootie,
he's a litta cutie,
hootie hootie hootie,
he goes goodwith crack-ers.

he's a little ratty,
make of him a patty,
fry him up in butt-er,
such a goofy nutt-er

see? he is cute and tasty too

IF YOU EAT FOAMY I WILL KILL YOU!!!



:D

I love you, filmmaker

You know..... I think the only thing you have to do to be a man is have a penis..... But then again, in America these days.... women are getting them too:p

Except me.

Fact: A penis is a mutated clitoris.

Oh dear GOD haunted I almost threw up when I read that.... Damn, i'm eating a friggin hot dog here!

Do you have a problem with the word CLITORIS? What's wrong with CLITORIS? Does the CLIRTORIS frighten you?

Maybe it's the wrinkley PENIS. PENISES aren't the prettiest things on the Goddess' earth, but they come in handy from time to time. You shouldn't worry about PENISES. The PENIS can be your friend. Your PENIS distinguishes you as a man... even if men are mutated women.:D

Haha, too late i already finished! But this conversation made me think of this .gif file i have.

That's really funny, and also quite true. Naah, men aren't that bad... well some aren't, and this is coming from a die hard feminist.

I just found it kind of humorous, here's another, not really on the subject though.

He should have come from underneath with that nose. He might have had better luck.

Once again, the MAN comes out on top! JKJK. Us men and our caveman instincts.:)

I thought I clit was a mutated penis? Or a vagina was an inside out penis....I've heard way too much.

if a penis is a mutated clitoris, then I've got a fucking X-Man in my pants

so.... fucking... confused!!!

There is a medical concept that every fetus begins as a female and then as it develops the chromosome changes from XX to XY. It's not really a mutation. That's just a joke. It's not 100% proven; as I said, it's just one of the plethora of medical theories floating around the world.

Well duh, haven't you seen jurassic park?

Yes I have, and I read the book which is 10000000000% better.

Amen, you are now my favoritest person ever.

*Bows deeply* Thank you kindly, from the bottom of my heart. That's a very sweet thing to say.

You know, I learned a lot from that book. The chaos theory is something a Witch could get into. Ian Malcom is the coolest, and I think, even though he might be a little over used, that Jeff was the best person to play him. I have a little crush on Mr. Goldblum. Always have.

I think Christian Bale could've done a great job too. What was your favorite part of the book? I think the part where ellie has to be bait was the best, or the infamous Trex, Car scene.

INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at rugby, and your pie is getting wet, then, for the eating period only, it is permissible.

2. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However you can Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you intentionally trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding S*x pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a toilet unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have S*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal 'drunken monkey S*x', the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was, occurs.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, orange or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation II. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

If my ex boyfriend would have bought me a PSII when they very first came out, I probably would have sucked it even though it was uncircumcised.



Posher-

All the action in the book was great. I also liked the really big discussions that they got into about mathematics, science, natural law, and conservation. Goddamnit! I was going to read "Foucault's Pendulum" by Umberto Eco after I finished "It" (a bit of light reading before the heavy), but now I'm going to have to read "Jurassic Park" again. Thanks, Posher.:p

I object! This makes me sound far more girly and simple-minded than I really am

Heh...But...It's all true :p

HAHAHA!!!...That one got me :D

Yeah... after watching Donnie Darko for the first time just now I feel like everything i've ever seen or read was "light" Holy... Crap... I am so friggin confused right now...

On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"
"That`s easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he
inquired.
"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a
button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."

When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your
sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child ?"
Blair replied, "That`s easy. The child was me."
"Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."

So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his
chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you,
and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it
was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"
Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a while?" "Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff,and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many
suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was
quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.

As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former
Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr.
Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a
child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"
"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."
"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"

So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"

"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"

25 SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING OLD

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good ****."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh **** what the hell happened?"

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends cause you know they'll enjoy it too.