There are some very basic structures in there, I wouldn't have said it was too regimented that i'm sure is a mistake every rookie author makes in an attempt to complete a book for the first time.

I would however be very careful using references to "facebook" and "linkdin" etc as we all know how much trouble the social media super powers can be.

The story line was good, i loved the fact you started straight out with the action.

My 2 issues with it would be...

1 - when you read it, it feels like a constant build up wait for some serious action that never comes. almost cliffhanger ish.

2 - i ran out of pages to read ::big grin::

but otherwise i think you are heading in the "write" direction (see what i did there ::embarrassment::)

i am in no way a professional writer but i am an avid reader, this is just my own opinion.

The story line was good, i loved the fact you started straight out with the action.
 

Hi Jake,

I managed to make a start on your manuscript last night - and I'll start by echoing what teddy said:

'The storyline was good, i loved the fact you started straight out with the action.'

The first few lines grabs your attention and sets the scene up instantly. As an introduction, I thought you nailed it.

Writing in first person is a difficult one. Don't be scared about going off on a tangent, with some detailed prose in-between the main thread. You don't have to remain in the lead character's head all the time; deviate a little just to break it up.

Good luck with the agent/publisher.

I'll read more - and try to remain objective. ;-)

All the best, Paul.

It made me mad when I ran out of ink in my typewriter. AND IT STILL DOES! ::mad::

All, Awesome feedback. This thing is in first draft form so it is currently where it needs to be to be rewritten. That's the whole reason I started posting it here. I don't know what the hell Im doing ::big grin:: So I figured being here would give me a nudge toward how to rewrite it. Friends are to easy to please, I figured yall would be more honest. The next chapter will go up today or tomorrow. I have the entire thing but this forum wont let me post anything longer than 10k words so it takes a few posts to put up each chapter. The plan is to get it all up here and then take all of the feedback and go back at it.

Your welcome. Its going to be great to have you aboard the HDC forum.

I need to branch out into the rest of the forum, Im a huge B-Movie and Cult Movie buff. I love low budget, over the top horror.

But not as good as having me on here though lol ::big grin::

there is loads on here bud, i was shocked when i joined.

This is the reaction of all taxi dispatchers. ::big grin::

Steady on, but there are two of us on here that like the place lol
what is it you do AW??????

Bee keeping.

for real???

Yes for real. Your gonna call me insane right?

nope, i think it rocks...

Awesome. Some people say I am basically insane and they always say these words "Why would want be around stinging insects?!"

hey ashwort have you ever written a story with evil bees or evil taxi dispatcher? ::big grin::

Fair play to you. talk about a conversation starter. what do you do for a living, oh i tell taxis where to go 24/7. speaks for itself... what do you do, i keep bee's.... REALLY tell me more.

bee's are cool little protectors of the planet and makers of scrummy honey. do you have any pics???

I think I have some pic lets see ah here is one with me and my boss Sam Frogge.

Attachment 17177 as you can see at the bottom of the screen you can see some hives.



Here is a diagram of a hive body.
Attachment 17178

thats cool, i never knew there was so much to a hive, always thought they were just empty boxes lol....

i have to say it looks amazing where you are, all that woodland. bee keeping and all that woodland, actually quite jealous right now. send me some honey over lol

In that picture we are on Fox Mountain in North Carolina I live in the foot hills.

just googled fox mountain, looks lush out there.. next your going to tell me yo live in a log cabin.

really jealous right now

I'll try to but we don't rob honey until spring can you wait that long?

We do have a cabin on Trout lily mountain. You see we live right smack on the piedmont.

for some proper honey i can wait.. mmmmmmmm.

you are so lucky to live out there rather than a brick city prison... would give my right arm to come out there.::sad::

Never cared much for the city either first time I went to the city I hated it and I still do! I'll try to get you some sourwood honey its the best sold in N.C.

i would love you forever lol, i will send you some fresh city smog and rain from over here lol

LOL, I think I'll pass for now.

OK but you dont know what your missing ::wink::

Oh yes I do. ::big grin::

I've had my fill from years back.

I've been to Charlotte the so called murder capital of the state many times.
not fun at all.
The only reasons I went there were because I was part of a hindu cult (no kidding)
and to go see Danzig.

hindu cult??? you one of those been there done that kinda gals lol

HEY! I am definitely not a girl! LOL

sorry, is a figure of speech from Somerset over here, no offence intended lol

No offence taken. ::big grin::

I think we ran out of stuff to say. ::big grin::

Ill jump in! Love honey, we have a local keeper not far from the house. He literally just sets mason jars full out on his porch with a box that says $20. Doesn't monitor it or anything, but everyone loves him so everyone pays.

I dispatched cabs in Dallas, I got some of the craziest calls. Had a guy ask me once if I could find a cab that would fit two full grown men in faerie costumes with large clothe wings.

Chapter 9
The first day of classes with Edith were uneventful. I think we were just feeling each other out and trying to figure out where we stood. She was incredibly intelligent and that was refreshing. I felt like I was going to learn a lot more from her than I could have ever learned from Jennifer. I loved learning and absorbing all of the intricacies of what happened in Americas past and the history of the world. It’s amazing how sadistic a lot of the world’s leaders turned out to be. Edith knew how to keep lessons interesting as well. She was great at asking questions and keeping me involved, something difficult to do when there is only one student. While she was teaching occasionally I would zone out and catch myself fantasizing about wonderful things. I would also catch myself answering questions when I wasn’t paying much attention. It seemed like I was either awesome at multi-tasking or there was almost a hole other me in there that would come forward when I was out of my mind enjoying my imagination.
So with the first day in the books, and feeling pretty good about it I headed out to spend some time in the woods. Just as I was getting my coat on I heard Edith call out to me. I turned and she was headed at me sliding her coat on and asking “Michael, are you going to the woods? Do you mind showing me around a little bit?” I hesitated, I really wanted to be alone with my thoughts and maybe find something to play with. But reluctantly I said “Yeah I was just going to go out and wonder around, your welcome to join me.” She smiled and said “Thank you very much kind sir. I look forward to seeing some of this land.” She reached for the door and allowed me to lead the way.
As we walked down the front steps I said “No teaching right? I hate learning when it’s not class time, I like to just enjoy the woods.” She promised “Not a bit. I’m a big fan of just walking and quietly watching nature.” I said “Perfect, there is a lot of it out here, you’ll love it.” I looked across the front yard at the large rock laying in the yard that I had used a month or so ago to crush a small bird. To the right of the rock was a huge tree. A brief flash behind my eyes and I saw Edith hanging from one of the branches by her neck, swinging back and forth slowly. I shake my head, a little confused about why this keeps happening.
We walk across the yard and out into the woods. I show her where the shed and everything around the house is. We talk a little about her life and I tell her about Jennifer. I never mention my love for her and my subsequent rejection. Without really paying attention to where we were going I noticed that we were surprisingly close to the clearing. I could hear my voice get a little panicked but immediately calmed myself down and changed direction to take us to the creek and the rock where Jennifer and I had shared an nice picnic and I had showed her what kind of fish we had in the creek.
Edith loved the creek. I took her up on the flat rock and showed her the ledge and how it jutted out over the creek. Another strange flash and I could see the back of her skull split open as I slammed a large rock down on her head. I watched as she fell over the side and landed in the creek, the sky turned red and the water ran red with her blood. “Michael? Are you ok? What’s going on?” Her voice broke into my daydream. My eyes cleared and the vision passed. I was standing right on the edge of the rock with Edith’s hand on my shoulder. “Wow that was so vivid.” I thought to myself before saying “Yeah, I’m fine, sometimes I daydream a little bit. I have kind of an over active imagination.” She looked concerned and said “Ok, well let’s head back, we have been out here for a while and the sun is starting to set. I need to make dinner for you and your mother.” I agreed and we headed back toward the house.
After following Edith through the door, I headed upstairs and into my room. I sat down on my couch for a moment and thought about the day and all of the times that I felt myself slip into a alternate world. It was a much more fun world but a fake one. I wasn’t sure that I had it in myself to ever take a person’s life, but thinking about it was a great release. I wasn’t sure what was happening to me. I remember feeling confused and a little disoriented sitting there on the couch. The things I kept seeing gave me this feeling of anticipation. I wanted to feel the release, to feel the pure ecstasy that came with watching the life seep out of somebody. The more I thought about it, the more the chills ran down my spine. I got butterflies in my stomach and my skin turned hot. I wanted the feelings that I knew would wash over me when Edith begged me to stop and my blade just kept creeping through her flesh.
“Did someone knock?” I whispered out loud to myself. My eyes opened, I was still sitting on the couch but something felt wrong. I glanced at the digital clock on the DVD player and was shocked to see that it was ten o’clock at night. I must have fell asleep. Then another knock at the door followed by “Michael, are you ok?” I got up and walked over to the door. Opening it I saw Edith standing there with a tray of food. She looked at me and said “You didn’t come down for dinner, I was lonely but figured you had a reason. I thought I would bring you food before I went to bed.” I smiled at her and said “Yeah, I must have fallen asleep, thank you so much for bring me dinner.” She replied “Of course, as long as you’re ok, I’m going to head for bed. That hike wore me out too.” “I’m great now, just tired, and hungry.” I said reaching out to take the tray from her. She said “Goodnight dear.” As I closed the door. I took the food back into the room and sat it on my computer desk.

Wow I lost the whole afternoon, I must have been exhausted. I didn’t even realize I had fallen asleep. I sat down to eat but noticed that the computer monitor was on. My attention was dragged to the window and I saw a conversation that I was having with a young woman by the name of Sarah. The conversation started as most do on this site, with her offering herself to me in full, mind and body. Then it continued on as normal, with me asking her to do things and her sending me pictures of herself performing the tasks. The last picture was of her running a razor blade over her forearm and the blood pouring out over one of her very supple breasts. My last sentence to her was “Very good my beautiful, someday we will meet and I will show you what true pleasure is.” I was terrified. I didn’t remember any of this, the time stamp was just an hour ago. I had this full conversation while I was asleep. It’s to bad too, it was a good one. Then a small voice ringing through my “Soon…” “Soon what?” I said out loud, but there was no answer. For now I will just have to read back through this and enjoy what I had created with Sarah, and eat this nice little dinner Edith had prepared.
After I finished my dinner, I took the tray and the plates back down to the kitchen and put them away. I was a little fuzzy headed trying to understand what was happening to me. Not to mention the amazing conversation I had with Sarah that barely sounded like me at all. She was a beautiful girl, from our conversation, she was around 17 and full of teenage angst. I loved it, I could feel every bit of it as she gave into me. She had a boyfriend that didn’t know about her interest in “this kind of stuff”, her words. She was going to be a lot of fun to play with. I wondered around the first floor of the house aimlessly for a half hour or so. Stopping a couple of times to look down mothers hall way. I hadn’t seen or heard from her sense the other night at dinner. She had gone back into hiding. But that’s ok, as much as I love her attention, I know how to live without it.
The house was so still at night, it was a little creepy. I was walking through the living room admiring the paintings on the wall when out of my peripheral I noticed movement through the window. I stopped in my tracks, an intruder? How did they get over the wall or past the guard shack? I walked slowly up to the window and peeked through to the front yard looking for any signs that I had actually seen something.
The yard was mostly dark. Although as always, the porch light was on, it only shed a small amount of light out into the yard. I could see the tree that Edith had been hanging from in my day dream earlier that day, but just barely. Then what looked like a small head peeking around the corner of the tree vanished as quickly as I noticed it. It was solid white, with no hair and large eyes. Even odder, it looked like it had horns. I was so scared that I started shaking. I walked back from the window very slowly reassuring myself that I imagined what I had seen. It was all fake, that’s the only reasonable explanation. I must be tired. And with that, I turned and ran upstairs as fast as my legs would carry me.
When I got to my room I stripped down to my boxers as quick as I could, pulled the curtains on the huge windows, and dove under the covers. I shivered with the thought of something being just outside the house. Even though I was on the second floor I was convinced that if I looked out the window that emotionless face would be staring back at me. I laid there completely still until I drifted off.
Come morning I managed to convince myself not only was it a dream but I hadn’t come downstairs at all. Even with that in my mind, after we finished lessons I headed outside to look around the tree a little. Of course I didn’t find anything and I decided that I was right. There had been nothing there and I had dreamt the entire event. Although I was very sure, I could hear that voice in the back of my mind say “You didn’t imagine anything, that was me, we will be together soon.”

Different kinds of honey are expensive, what kind was it?

No clue, he is part of a Romanian church here in town. He lives on the church property and keeps the bees out behind the church.