Dear IA,

I'm a huge Oakland Raiders fan. I've recently grown a beard, and some jerk keeps telling me I look like Jake Plummer. I'd kill him, but he's by bartender. What should I do?

-Anger Rising

I read somewhere that most dogs eat poop at some point. There's a lot of dogs in the world, millions and millions! Isn't that too many, if most or all of them eat poop? Can anything be done about this????

Try telling him that you're going for more of a "Bob Brown" look, the Raiders Hall of Fame OT from 71'. Granted, Brown didn't have a beard. But the bartender probably won't know who you're talking about anyway, so you can play it off.

Millions of dogs poop more than once a day (on average), so there's plenty of poop to go around for other dogs. If you're question is "what do we do to stop them", my answer would be nothing. Its obviously a gross genetic makeup found in all dogs, and it would take too long to change. Just be happy most dogs are cute.

Dear IA,
I was told by someone to stop my addiction to cigarettes and start drinking, heavily. I have a problem with this though. I don't have any alcohol. I am still stuck here with two babies and have no vehicle, what should I do?
High and Dry(lol you don't know how true that is)

Dear I.A.-

My "friends" are trying to convince me that a banana would be a faithful sex companion. Is this true?

Hmm, a follow up.

Well, there is always self-restraint... but this is America.... Alright, idle hands are the Devil's something-or-other, so I would suggest occupying yourself with something. Start writing a short story, or make a costume for one of your babies so the other gets jealous.

Only til' it rots.

Dear I.A.

The banana has rotted. What do I do now?

-Confused Fruit Abuser

take it from a females perspective ..
'soz IA'..
carrot...you can never go wrong..
but i have a ques for you ..
what are you doing trying to sex it with a
banana??You don't have the facility to accomodate..
and leave the poor fruit alone ..LOL.

Dear IA..
em too perfect..
my teeth are perfect
my hair is perfect..
my complexion and manner is perfect..
Just downright 'PREFECT'
But...i have one little flaw..
my feet are crooked.
How can i get perfect feet .??

Dear IA:


I want it ALL the time but have recently been informed that 'humans need sleep'....If I were to seek pleasure elsewhere (other than human, of course) would that be cheating?....And...Where can I find an 'immortal' (they aren't human, right?) in case it ISN'T cheating?




Faithful But Needin' It



:D

Dear IA75

How do i explain to my wife & kids that i'm on a bus to Kentucky on a "business trip", while they are sitting at home waiting for their supper.


The Immortal newb

Dear IA:

I'm an Immortal with a perpetual hard-on and insomnia - - what can I do to, uhm, 'fill' the time?

Perpetually Pointy

LOL...I can't really laugh too loudly at the moment because the baby is sleeping beside me....BUT...You guys DID make me giggle pretty loud....hahaha:)



I already KNEW that Newb was incredibly witty and clever....However, it looks like Zero may end up being a fairly decent adversary;)...*is impressed*

hahahahahha.. You bitch. :p

LOL..Lala
i used to think my black heads were maori freckles..

Smoke a cigarette.

Chop your feet off. That way you're nothing but perfect features.

Sleeping with dieties is in fact, not cheating. We all know that the Greek Gods raped women in the form of animals and people wrote about it with praise.

My suggestion... Go to Greece and make yourself available.

Tell them a story about a man who once saved your life while copiously weeping. The next day pretend you just got a phone call from someone saying that same man died. They won't fault you for leaving to go to his "funeral".

You being an immortal and bored, my suggestion would be to go on a killing spree.

Dear IA..
i chopped my feet off like you suggested..
and i must say..they look perfect now..
however , my next problem being..
I can't get my shoes to fit my stumps..not to mention the..colour does not go with anything i wear.

What...blood red dont go with anything?? hahah


Dear IA...,

I have a music addiction. Everywhere I got I gotta listen to music, even when I piss. How do I slow the music factor down and not drive myself insane?

oooh..
i wear my discman when em driving..
when em in the toilet
when em cooking
when em in bed
and have been told em unsociable for doing so..
so em dying to read IA's reply on this..

There are many options. Washcloths and small drapes can be wrapped around your stumps to make them flashier, snappier.

I guarantee you'll be the sexiest cripple the city appointed assistants have ever seen.

I suggest making a chart, designating certain parts of the day where you can listen to music. Have friends and loved ones monitor you closely to make sure you follow the chart. Start slow, giving yourself the majority of the day to listen to music. As the days go by take out more and more hours until you have around 1 to 2 hours a day for enjoying music.

This way you'll be dull and boring, just like everyone else.

Dear IA;

(For once this is a serious one)

I think my dog is pregnant..........I'm not sure which of the two previously unseen dogs may be the father. This could get ugly (talkin bout the possible puppies) The vet says it may be hormones, or she may be preggo. What should I do?

My advice is to wait and see, but go ahead and plan for puppies. If she's not pregnant, you can be frustrated for making precautions for nothing. If she is, you'll be happy that you did.

Arrange your house or apartment so that it's "potty and chewing safe". Isolate a room (preferably hard-wood with newspaper covering) for the puppies to be in, one without valuables.

If you don't want the puppies, put up fliers in advance. Call friends and family and ask if they would want a puppy given the chance coming up. Better safe than sorry.

Yeah, I've raises puppies before. was just wondering what sorta advice you'd give, and if it'd be serious or not.

Dear IA,

I got my dick stuck in a pencil sharpener. What should I do? (this is not a serious question).

Test out your penmanship.

LMFAO!!!

Allright....i know this thread started out as a joke...but IA75 knows his shit....you da man dude.This is so much better than "Dear Abbey"

Yeah, I got way better tits.

My penis curves slightly to the right, can this be corrected?

I received this in an e-mail....thought it would fit this thread.




http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...e/ATT00065.jpg

hahahahahahahaha!!now thats funny

Stop having sex with girls who have vaginas that are slightly to the right.

...or start having sex with girls who have vaginas that are slightly to the left.

dear IA..
a few days ago ..some fool recommened
i cut off my croooked feet..now my knees are crooked from all the crawling..
my question is ...how the hell do i get even with that fool ??

Dear IA,

Well, I just ate some fine beef jerky. What kind of lager should I wash it down with?

Yours,
-Thirsty