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A young man was lost in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. Man: ”I’m lost, can you put me up for the night?” Chinese Man: “Certainly, but one condition - If you lay a finger on my daughter, I’ll inflict upon you the 3 worst Chinese tortures known to man!" “OK”, said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, pretty and had a cute figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Late at night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near daybreak, he crept back to his room, tired but happy. He woke up to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: “Chinese torture 1: Large Rock on chest." Man: "Ah! If that’s the best the old man can do, then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the rock up, walked over to the window and threw the rock out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: ”Chinese torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.” In a panic, he saw that the rope that was already getting close to the end. He glanced down and noticed that the ground was about 100 feet down. Feeling that a few broken bones was better than being castrated, he jumped out of the window after the rock. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read: “Chinese torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.” |
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ouch! |
It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had a really bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and asked the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 8th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 12th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment some way below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked with a woman, her husband pounds on the door and starts yelling, so I run and hide inside a refrigerator...." |
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Guy says to his wife on wednesday
"Hey, you're coming fishing with me and the dog on the weekend" She says she doesn't want to go... He tells her if she doesn't come she's either going to suck his dick or take it up the ass before he leaves - she has until Friday to decide. Come Friday, he tells his wife to get ready after packing some fishing gear. She says that she's still not coming. "Ok, so what's it to be then?" She says "Pull your pants down I'm giving you head". She goes at it, and stops and gags after about 10 seconds. "What the fuck? Your dick tastes like shit!" He says he knows. "The dog didn't want to come fishing either" |
^ Nice one, cheebs.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!" |
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ROFL! Love it!
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Great stuff, V! Loved them all, keep them coming:D
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I don't know how to do the thing where the actual video is shown and not just the link, sorry.
http://youtu.be/wf_IIbT8HGk |
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bwahahahahahaha!
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actually i didnt really find that one funny
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It's the Spring of 1957 and Lewis goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Mary Jane's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Lewis. Mary Jane's father asks Lewis what they're planning to do. Lewis replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Mary Jane's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the cool kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Lewis - so he asks Mary Jane's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Mary Jane's father, "Mary Jane really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Lewis' eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Mary Jane comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Lewis escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Mary Jane rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "Dammit Daddy! It's called the TWIST!" |
An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay," he says to the husband. "Let's try the reverse. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man goes at it with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!" |
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In your dreams. |
So this soccer ball rolls into a bar, right?
And the bartender kicked him out! |
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but on a serious note: The discrimination of soccer balls in certain regions is nothing to laugh at. |
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Scarecrows, on the other hand: Why did the scarecrow get a Nobel Prize? Because he was out standing in his field! Get it?! |
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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, John! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says John. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, John." |
A woman walks into the vet's office clutching her pet duck. She takes it to the doctor and says "My...my duck, it's neck's gone all floppy! What's wrong with it?"
He takes a good look then speaks solemnly to her - "I'm...I'm sorry, but your duck is dead." She stumbles in disbelief, shaking her head. "No...no I can't accept that. I need a second opinion!" So the vet sighs and whistles. His pet Labrador runs in, jumps up to the table, sniffs the duck and shakes it head. "You see?" Says the vet. "No...no I still can't accept it. Another opinion, and then I'll believe you." So the vet sighs once more and clicks his tongue. A small cat runs in from the other room and jumps onto the table. It looks the duck up and down, turns to the woman and shakes its head. "Okay...okay, I accept it. My duck is dead," she sniffs. "How much do I owe you?" "£150" Replies the vet. Absolutely appalled, the woman - aghast - begins to complain. "Well," replies the vet, "I was only going to charge 10, but then you made me go and get the lab report and a cat scan!" |
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