Signs you're a Redneck Jedi:


-You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

-Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

-You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

-At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

-You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

-You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

-You has ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have
to wait for a commercial.

-You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

-Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark
side...it'll be a hoot."

-You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to
get the barbecue grill to light up.

-You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

-You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

-You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

-Although you had to kill him, you kind of thought that Jabba the Hutt had a
pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

-You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

-You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

-You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

-If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

This is hilarious! http://www.parkwayreststop.com/archives/2937

Artifacts and gifts for tourists are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy.
Thousands of visitors tour reservations each year and will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of traditional Indian culture.
One enterprising Native American was able to outsell all of his competitors in the category of wooden dolls by selling them at a fraction of the cost others had to charge for them. Upon examining his dolls closely, they found that where hard wood was traditionally used, this Native American would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at an incredibly reduced price.
While he claimed his dolls were still authentic Indian dolls, his competitors complained that they were only...... cheap Sioux veneers

There are better things in life than alcohol, but at least alcohol makes up for not having them.

Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.


I subscribe to the Psychotherapy Journal. I've got a lot of issues.


I got to work today and was horrified to find a dead, semi-naked man lay across a table. Shaken by this discovery, I called the emergency services for assistance.
The operator calmly reminded me that I work in a funeral home, and politely asked I stop calling them every morning.


Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage

Some presents for newb. Enjoy. ;)


TUI




ISENBECK






TUBORG




ARIANA/APUANA




BAVARIA





And umm...Ferret, dont watch these.

WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a
deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
with huge boobs and a nice ass
who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
The End

:p :D

I dont like the assumption that us blokes all like golf! :)

agreed......the rest is pretty much on target though

I thought I would take a moment to do some publicity for my alternative to "poo nuts" ... remember that y0u always also have the option to say "rat nuts," it is almost as good and in some situations it is better. You might spill your morning coffee--as I did, this morning--and you can say, "Rat nuts!" and this is a very funny way to add some humor to a small misfortune and make your day a little lighter.

ratt nutz!!

ratt nutz!!

I don't like it


it just doesn't flow as well as "poo-nuts"


its got no feng shui

yes, I am aware of that

but, give it a try!

it is a new thing of words and it deserves its day in the sun like poo nuts does

please show your compassionate side and say "ratt nutz" at least once today.

sorry....I won't do it

ahhhhhhh ch ch ch ch ch ch ch! grrrrrr

am so very angry, you will not say ratt nutz!! yahhhh


http://www.scarysquirrel.org/photos/rut1.jpg

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her,
'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-
she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said,
'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. '
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish,

and she answered,
'I'd like to have a heart attack.'


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too . Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

Warning - If you want your mind to remain sane after 3 minutes and 51 seconds, don't click this.

nice



....................................

A real billboard erected somewhere in New Zealand for an upcoming TV airing of Mary Harron's film...

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g1...ycho122709.jpg

http://img.funtasticus.com/2008/apr/...lection029.jpg
Poor kid. :(

ROFL!




"So why don't you make like a tree. and get out of here!"


...did I mention I LOVE it? :D

Where else you gonna hear this.......but on Neverending Radio.


IT AIN'T JUST FOR HALLOWEEN

http://www.neverendingwonder.com/

Weeeeeeell, on Christmas I am gonna listen to some Christmas comedy records, and maybe a nice little beer or maybe, just maybe, an EGG NOG. Keep it simple.

There's a job I wouldn't mind getting up for.




get it...."getting up"


forget it:rolleyes:

Yeah, you would want to make sure that the job wasn't completed on the first day at the office.

Fucking douchebag neighborhood!:D

teeheehee

http://jimromenesko.com/2012/02/02/s...fane-headline/

http://jimromenesko.com/wp-content/u...1-50-54-am.png

They look like each other and...they're both sterile? Thar be inbreeding in tha' town, I tellsya!

Joe goes to the Super Bowl. His seat is in the nosebleed section, but at least he's at the Super Bowl.

He starts looking around the stadium with his binoculars and sees a guy about 5 rows off the field on the 50 yard line with an empty seat beside him. This is driving Joe nuts, so at half time, he goes down and asks the guy why he has a vacant seat in such a choice location.

The guy says, "My wife and I bought these seats a long time ago. But unfortunately, she passed away."

"Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that", Joe says, "But why didn't you give the ticket to another relative or a friend?"

The guy replies: "They're all at the funeral."


GO PATS

Remember Predator 2's climax inside the spaceship?

THIS is the part they never showed to any of you.

And yes - that's Danny Glover.

ROFL! That's hysterical!

Plagued by Samara? Never fear.

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g1...4_v0_460x1.jpg

What will you do if you receive...

Rofalolar!

Just felt like bumping this.

:eek:

.....

I said bumping, not humping! :D

Way to break a guys heart. :(

LOL. Eww, that's gross!

I think it's hot.

But what the hell, i'm kinky. :cool: