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newb 10-01-2008 10:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Flayed One (Post 735676)
This feels like the good old days again. Sitting in my office with not a lot to do, posting back & forth with newb, urge & the rest of the gang. It's good to be home:)

We still have to get a few back fulltime [ Bloodrayne, Shanks, zero, and it would be nice if zwoti posted a bit more :D ]

fortunato 10-01-2008 01:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by _____V_____ (Post 735681)
Phone call from Daddy:

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy!"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says . . ..

"Swimming pool??
...Is this 555-7039??????"

"No."

Click............

hahaha

that's the best one i've heard in a while.

-----------------

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

fortunato 10-01-2008 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newb (Post 735705)
We still have to get a few back fulltime [ Bloodrayne, Shanks, zero, and it would be nice if zwoti posted a bit more :D ]

it is incredibly exciting to have so many longtime regulars back.
when i signed up, i pretty much became one of those noobs that makes the intro post, and a few more, then forgets about the account after a while.
when i first came back regularly last summer, this place was mostly dead.
it's so great to see it bustling and thriving again, thanks to the tireless efforts of _v_, the wonderful regulars, the wonderful returning regulars, and a few great new members.

hammerfan 10-02-2008 09:29 AM

If College Students Wrote the Bible

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning cold
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five - double-spaced and written in a large font
A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit re-selling
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food
Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to [email protected]
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen
Instead of God creating the world in six days resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before he had to get it done

alkytrio666 10-02-2008 10:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hammerfan (Post 736070)
If College Students Wrote the Bible

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning cold
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five - double-spaced and written in a large font
A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit re-selling
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food
Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to [email protected]
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen
Instead of God creating the world in six days resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before he had to get it done

Hahaha, funny stuff!

hammerfan 10-02-2008 10:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alkytrio666 (Post 736081)
Hahaha, funny stuff!


Thank you! :D I got it from my church newsletter.

urgeok2 10-03-2008 03:41 AM

this made me laugh ..


although i like cats - here's an excellent argument against them :

http://ca.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuse...deoID=43507539

_____V_____ 11-07-2008 06:29 AM

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g1...john_small.jpg

_____V_____ 11-07-2008 06:43 AM

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g1...i/funny35r.gif

newb 11-07-2008 06:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by _____V_____ (Post 754984)

that reminds me



http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...ngdogaward.jpg

_____V_____ 11-07-2008 06:48 AM

This one's for newb...

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g1...els_20ugly.jpg

_____V_____ 11-07-2008 06:51 AM

Seriously, toymakers ought to be more responsible...

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g1...tick_small.jpg

newb 11-07-2008 06:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by _____V_____ (Post 754988)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...man-six-be.gif

pinkfloyd45769 11-07-2008 07:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by _____V_____ (Post 754990)
Seriously, toymakers ought to be more responsible...

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g1...tick_small.jpg

Now thats some shit!!!I want one;)

_____V_____ 11-07-2008 07:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pinkfloyd45769 (Post 755004)
Now thats some shit!!!I want one;)

The one you already have isnt good enough?

Geez, woman! :D

pinkfloyd45769 11-07-2008 07:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by _____V_____ (Post 755005)
The one you already have isnt good enough?

Geez, woman! :D

HEY!!I like Harry Potter:p

hammerfan 11-07-2008 07:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pinkfloyd45769 (Post 755008)
HEY!!I like Harry Potter:p


Get the broomstick and picture him on Broadway in Equus! :D

pinkfloyd45769 11-07-2008 07:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hammerfan (Post 755013)
Get the broomstick and picture him on Broadway in Equus! :D

God you guys..do you think i would do that???:D

_____V_____ 11-07-2008 07:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pinkfloyd45769 (Post 755017)
God you guys..do you think i would do that???:D

Umm lemme think...


...yes. :)

hammerfan 11-07-2008 07:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pinkfloyd45769 (Post 755017)
God you guys..do you think i would do that???:D


*giggle* Just sayin.........puttin' the image in your head.....:D

_____V_____ 11-07-2008 07:37 AM

Let's have some signs...


http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/l...tover/sign.jpg


http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i8/owenbaby/sign.jpg


http://i55.photobucket.com/albums/g1...ther/funny.jpg


http://i484.photobucket.com/albums/r...01988/look.jpg


http://i259.photobucket.com/albums/h...l0622/sign.jpg

newb 11-07-2008 08:33 AM

http://www.thefunnypage.com/signs2/3.jpg

Despare 11-07-2008 08:36 AM

http://www.premierphotographer.com/funny_signs_1.jpg

http://www.premierphotographer.com/funny_signs_4.jpg

http://www.premierphotographer.com/funny_signs_8.jpg

Posher778 11-07-2008 08:37 AM

I love the stone weather one..... Indians have it ALL figured out.

_____V_____ 11-11-2008 06:25 AM

http://i410.photobucket.com/albums/p...alvin_Ah-A.gif

Gesundheit.

_____V_____ 11-23-2008 01:26 AM

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here.'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the entire scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!'

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'


Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts .. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

So the next time you pick on Newb, NE or Urge, think again.

Freak 11-23-2008 03:31 AM

Some good ol sign fails.

http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s.../colorfail.jpg
http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s...4/untitled.jpg
http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s.../untitleda.jpg

stubbornforgey 11-23-2008 10:26 AM

kids in grade school were told to write an essay about their parents job.

little sue wrote ..my dads a semen :o

stubbornforgey 11-23-2008 10:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by _____V_____ (Post 761759)
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here.'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the entire scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!'

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'


Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts .. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

So the next time you pick on Newb, NE or Urge, think again.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
now thats funny

ferretchucker 11-23-2008 12:16 PM

http://i130.photobucket.com/albums/p...-imaginary.jpg

_____V_____ 11-25-2008 12:40 PM

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, "You betcha!"

When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."

The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"

The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?"

The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."

_____V_____ 11-25-2008 01:02 PM

IF DR. SEUSS WROTE FOR STAR TREK

Picard
Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?
Data
Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We'll have two days 'til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?
Picard
LaForge, please give us factor nine.
Geordi
But, sir, the engines are offline!
Picard
Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!
Riker
But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
The danger here is far too great!
Picard
But surely we must not be late!
Troi
I'm sensing anger and great ire.
Computer
Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!
Picard
The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?
Riker
Not me.
Worf
Not me.
Picard
Computer, how long til we die?
Computer
Eight minutes left to say goodbye.
Data
May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems...
Geordi
Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!
Picard
Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.
Troi
We still must save the Indran planet --
Data
Which (by the way) is made of granite...
Picard
Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand -- we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.
Geordi
There's sabotage among the wires
And that's what started all the fires.
Riker
We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!
Troi
We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?
Worf
Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.
Troi
Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven't even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?
Crusher
Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!
Picard
Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.
Crusher
They may be dead by Tuesday noon.
*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*
Worf
The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun --
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.
Picard
Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?
Worf
I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.
Riker
My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!
Crusher
Now let's get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!
Picard
LaForge, please tell me we can go...?
Geordi
Yes, sir, we can.
Picard
Then make it so!

THE END

monalisa 11-28-2008 12:50 PM

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to
consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following
suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making
love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife
fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man
and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the
wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same
strapping young man.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an
enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,

'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'

newb 02-26-2009 08:49 AM

Apple announced today that it has developed a
breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699,
depending on cup and
speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough
because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts
and not listening to them.

monalisa 03-19-2009 01:58 PM

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.'

Have you ever been in the military service?'
Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.'

Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'

The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A..M. every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?'

This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'

monalisa 03-19-2009 02:02 PM

A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?' The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.' :p :D

monalisa 03-20-2009 08:55 PM

A DEA agent, together with an ATF and an FBI agent, as part of a task force, arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska. The agents tell the rancher, "We need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent verbally explodes saying, "Mister, we have the authority of the Federal Government with us." Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the three agents running for their lives and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badges! Show him your badges!"

monalisa 03-21-2009 04:44 AM

Here's something to think about:

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him…
Do you think I'll live to be 80?

He asked, do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?
Oh no, I replied. I'm not doing drugs, either!
Then he asked, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
I said, no, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?
No, I don't, I said.
He asked, do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?
No, I said.
He looked at me and said, then, why do you even give a shit?
:D

Angra 03-21-2009 05:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monalisa (Post 795426)
Here's something to think about:

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him…
Do you think I'll live to be 80?

He asked, do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?
Oh no, I replied. I'm not doing drugs, either!
Then he asked, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
I said, no, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?
No, I don't, I said.
He asked, do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?
No, I said.
He looked at me and said, then, why do you even give a shit?
:D


HA!! :D :D

scouse mac 03-21-2009 08:24 AM

Hello, welcome to the psychiatric Hotline. If you are
obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple
personalities, please press 3, 4,5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so
please stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little
voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one
will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal-retentive, please hold.


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