another jokes thread

[hellfire1]

busted my non-existant balls to look for the jokes thread so i'll just make a new one! read this one today and laughed my ass off !!!!!



The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists... 2 men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


:D

[hellfire1]

oh come on ... it's a good joke !! :p

[wufong]

what did the empty bottle say to the full bottle?


















i got drunk last night!!!!1 ......LOOL LOFL LMFAO.... HAHAHAHAHA



















OMG!!!!! i just pissed myself laughing

[Vodstok]

thtas as bad as the peanut in new york joke....

[ShankS]

rofl @ hellfire1's one :D

[allmykids]

Originally posted by hellfire1
busted my non-existant balls to look for the jokes thread so i'll just make a new one! read this one today and laughed my ass off !!!!!



The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists... 2 men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


:D

LMFAO, I knew it was gonna be the chick that pulled the trigger!!!

[Sam The Egg]

Once upon a time, there lived two boys named Felix and Lester. Felix was 9 years old, pretty atheletic, and had a lot of friends. Lester was only 6 and not as atheletic as his older brother, but still got along well with the rest of the children in the area.

One day, Felix and Lester were playing by themselves in the front yard of their house. Their front yard was actually quite large, since they were several miles outside of the nearest town. An old highway ran adjacent to their yard, but since the area was semi-mountainous (and the road quite curvey), traffic was never that heavy or fast. After kicking a ball back and forth for a while, they decided to go play in the treehouse they had built (with the help of their father) the previous spring. It consisted of a few ladder-like steps up to the main crotch of the tree (a term that always caused them to giggle uncontrollably), where three boards and some leftover plywood formed a platform of sorts.

The two boys climbed up the steps (Felix first, then Lester) and looked out over the surrounding area. Felix continued climbing higher up into the tree, until he was level with the roof of their two-story house. Lester, meanwhile, was still gazing out over the surrounding area.

The boys played in this fashion for some time before their father called them in for dinner. Tonight was Wednesday, Pizza Night, so the boys ran inside excitedly. They ate their pizza and got permission to go back outside for 30 minutes, after which it would be too dark.

Felix and Lester went back outside and began kicking the ball around again. After a particularly hard kick by Lester, the ball went sailing over Felix's head. Felix ran to fetch it when he noticed some motion in the tall grass behind the garage.

Felix called Lester over and together the two investigated the cause of the motion. After approaching the rustling grass hesitantly, the boys were delighted when a small (but extremely shaggy) puppy came bounding out of the grass.

Both boys were delighted, of course, to discover this shaggy puppy, but Felix was a little concerned. Surely this puppy couldn't be healthy! It was easily the shaggiest thing that he had ever seen, and a creature that shaggy couldn't occur naturally. He cautioned Lester to stay back.

Lester, however, would hear none of it. He, too, was unnerved by the extreme shagginess of the small dog, but the animal was clearly very friendly and, besides the freakish shagginess, seemed perfectly healthy. After seeing Lester pet the shaggy puppy for a few moments, Felix overcame his fear and began to tentatively pat the puppy on its extremely shaggy head.

The two boys ran back toward the house, with the shaggy puppy following close behind. "Mom! Mom!" they yelled with one voice, "Look what we found! Can we keep him? Can we?"

The boys' mother stepped out onto the side porch. "My God! Is that thing a puppy? It's the shaggiest thing I've ever seen!"

Felix said, "Yeah! Isn't it cool! Can we keep him? I promise we'll take care of him, and we were talking about getting a dog pretty soon anyway!"

The boys' father was called out and the brief caucaus was continued. The boys' father pointed out that he, too, had never seen a creature as shaggy as this, so maybe it was some sort of AKC Champion whose line had been bred since time immemorial to result in this, the shaggiest possible dog. He suggested that the boys make a few signs, asking if anyone was missing a very shaggy puppy, and if they had received no response in two weeks, they could keep the shaggy puppy for themselves.

When their mother concurred,the boys were delighted. They quickly made several signs as the shaggy puppy frolicked in the basement. The first several signs were sent back for revision, however, since the boys had purposefully ommitted any mention of the puppy's extreme shagginess in their zeal to claim the puppy as their own. Their mother reminded them that there could very well be two little boys somewhere who were worried sick about their missing shaggy puppy and decieving them would be wrong. Thus chided, the boys made a new series of signs that appropriately noted the extreme shagginess of the puppy they had found.

The next morning on their way to school the boys hung several of the signs around their area - a few on electrical poles near road intersections, one on the bulletin board at the local Von's Supermarket, and one at the closest Circle K convenience store. They could hardly sit still that day at school. As soon as the final bell rang, the boys raced to the bike rack and hurried home as fast as they could to play with the shaggy puppy.

This continued for the next several days. The boys became more and more attached to the shaggy puppy, and their fears that someone would claim him grew each day. Finally, two full weeks had passed, and on the second Pizza Day after they found him, the shaggy puppy was oficially theirs to keep. They celebrated by officially naming the puppy. Several names were put forward, but names like "Zeke" and "Prince" didn't seem to convey the extreme shagginess of the animal, which was certainly its most salient feature. The boys decided to name the puppy "Shaggy", which may not seem too original, but is actually the most appropriate name for a creature as shaggy as this one.

The boys loved Shaggy, and actually kept their promise and took quite good care of him as he grew from a shaggy puppy into a shaggy dog. The only problem was the fact that, as he grew from a three-pound puppy to a 30 pound dog, his shagginess seemed to increase exponentially. The boys had what seemed like an endless parade of visitors who came by just to see Shaggy for themselves. The local newspaper even did a feature on Shaggy, in which he was photographed with Felix and Lester. Everybody agreed that the poor quality of the black and white photograph failed to truly capture the extreme shagginess of Shaggy, who only seemed to be getting shaggier with each passing day.

[Sam The Egg]

continued from previous post:
Several months later, the boys were playing with Shaggy in the expansive front yard when a mid-sized car came screetching to a halt on the shoulder of the road. The boys looked up with a little apprehension. The area in which they lived was relatively crime-free, but they had heard so many horror stories and cautionary tales of strangers who abduct children that the car's abrupt halt worried them somewhat. Within seconds, though, a small, middle-aged man had erupted fom the front seat.

He ran forward a few steps, clearly excited, but then stopped short. It seemed that, at that moment, the middle-aged man himself remembered those same cautionary tales and didn't want to be inadvertantly cast as the villian.

"Um, hello, boys!" he began hesitantly. "Can I please speak to your mother or father?"

Felix ran up to the front door and summoned his nearest parent, which happened to be his father. At the sight of another adult, the middle aged man immediately relaxed. "Hello sir! My name is Hector Barquay! Does this magnificently shaggy dog belong to you!"

"Well, yes it does..."

"Outstanding! Sir, you may not be familiar with my organization, but I am a well-known promoter for SDANA, the Shaggy Dog Association of North America! And don't let the 'North American' fool you - I've seen, scouted, trained and judged grand champion Shaggy Dogs on six continents, and I can tell you, without a moment's hesitation, that this is, by far, the shaggiest dog in the world!"

Although they lacked Mr. Barquay's professional experience, his statement certainly seemed credible. Shaggy's shagginess had become the stuff of local legend, and the boys had a difficult time conceiving of a shaggier animal.

Mr. Barquay waved the two boys, their father, and Shaggy over to his car. After rummaging through the back seat for a few moments, he produced several pamphelets advertising SDANA, SDANA events, SDANA competitions, etc. He then produced a large hardback book entitled "The SDANA Book of Grand Champions".

"See here, boys. This book contains the winners of the World-Wide Shaggy Dog Contest for the last 85 years. Page through that and see if you can spot any dogs shaggier than yours."

Of course, the boys could not.

The family invited Mr. Barquay inside, where they held a long discussion about Shaggy's possible career as a prize-winning Shaggy Dog. Later that evening, when Mr. Barquay had gone, the boys' parents made some phone calls and internet searches based on the SDANA material that Mr. Barquay had left behind. They became satisfied that SDANA was indeed a legitimate organization and that Mr. Barqay was a member in good standing (his picture even appeared in three places on the SDANA website, www.SDANA.org).

Mr. Barquay returned to the family's house the very next day with the entry forms for the next World-Wide Shaggy Dog Contest, which was to be held in Los Angeles in six weeks. "Normally, the deadline for entry is two months before the contest," explained Mr. Barquay, "but I should be able to get Shaggy entered as an at-large contestant with no problem. Of course, for the honor of representing such a gloriously shaggy animal (and for 30% of any prize winnings) I will assume full responsibility for all entry fees and make all necessary transportation arrangements." This seemed fair to Shaggy's family; after all, if it hadn't been for Mr. Barquay, they wouldn't have even known about SDANA or the WWSDC.

Early on the morning of the WWSDC, Mr. Barquay pulled up in front of Shaggy's house with his official SDANA Contestant-Carrying Station Wagon, which was specially outfitted to transport four people and one shaggy dog in comfort. The two boys and their mother (who was able to get the day off work for such a special occasion) joined Mr. Barquay and Shaggy for the three-hour ride to Los Angeles and the WWSDC.

As they neared the city, they noticed several station wagons like the one they were in, but the dogs in the back, as shaggy as they were, were clearly no match for Shaggy's shagginess. Time after time they would watch the faces fall in station wagon after station wagon as their would-be competition realized the futility of entering a shagginess competition against Shaggy when their dogs, shaggy as they were, were simply not Shaggy-shaggy.

When they pulled into the parking lot of the convention center where the WWSDC was being held, pandemonium ensued. The other competitors were split into two groups: those who selfishly groaned at the extreme shagginess of Shaggy, and those who were overjoyed at the sight of such a paragon of shagginess. Person after person rushed up to the two boys, their mother, Mr. Barquay, and (of course) Shaggy wanting to express their envy and excitement at the sight of what was, assuredly, the shaggiest of all possible shaggy dogs. As the group approached the door to the hall, they were having a hard time keeping their feet due to the constant jostling of the mob of shaggy dog lovers all trying to catch a glimpse or even run their hand along that unimaginably shaggy mane.

When the word of Shaggy's arrival had spread, a full third of the competitors simply left the building, hoping to beat the traffic. Every last one of the rest, however, joined the feverish mob surrounding Shaggy.

Suddenly, a chant started to arise. "Hemp-hill! Hemp-hill! Hemp-hill!"

"What are they saying?" asked Felix, becoming frightened by the press of the crowd.

"Judge Hemphill is the reigning president of the SDANA!" said Mr. Barquay excitedly. "He's the supreme authority at this contest! The people are calling on him to skip the formal competition and declare Shaggy the winner outright!"

The cries grew louder, "Hemp-hill! HEMP-HILL! HEMP-HILL!" and then dropped suddenly quiet as the crowd began to hurredly part. As the people hurriedly stepped back, Lester caught sight of an older, distinguished-looking gentleman with an air of quiet grace. This was certainly Judge Hemphill.

Judge Hemphill approached the family and politely gestured for them to step aside. Shaggy looked up at him and cocked his head, unsure of what was going on. Judge Hemphill walked in a slow, deliberate circle around Shaggy, looking him up and down. He paused, held his chin thoughtfully for a moment, turned his head to the assembled crowd, and said...



"He aint that shaggy!"

[Scarymovie411]

Originally posted by Sam The Egg
continued from previous post:
Several months later, the boys were playing with Shaggy in the expansive front yard when a mid-sized car came screetching to a halt on the shoulder of the road. The boys looked up with a little apprehension. The area in which they lived was relatively crime-free, but they had heard so many horror stories and cautionary tales of strangers who abduct children that the car's abrupt halt worried them somewhat. Within seconds, though, a small, middle-aged man had erupted fom the front seat.

He ran forward a few steps, clearly excited, but then stopped short. It seemed that, at that moment, the middle-aged man himself remembered those same cautionary tales and didn't want to be inadvertantly cast as the villian.

"Um, hello, boys!" he began hesitantly. "Can I please speak to your mother or father?"

Felix ran up to the front door and summoned his nearest parent, which happened to be his father. At the sight of another adult, the middle aged man immediately relaxed. "Hello sir! My name is Hector Barquay! Does this magnificently shaggy dog belong to you!"

"Well, yes it does..."

"Outstanding! Sir, you may not be familiar with my organization, but I am a well-known promoter for SDANA, the Shaggy Dog Association of North America! And don't let the 'North American' fool you - I've seen, scouted, trained and judged grand champion Shaggy Dogs on six continents, and I can tell you, without a moment's hesitation, that this is, by far, the shaggiest dog in the world!"

Although they lacked Mr. Barquay's professional experience, his statement certainly seemed credible. Shaggy's shagginess had become the stuff of local legend, and the boys had a difficult time conceiving of a shaggier animal.

Mr. Barquay waved the two boys, their father, and Shaggy over to his car. After rummaging through the back seat for a few moments, he produced several pamphelets advertising SDANA, SDANA events, SDANA competitions, etc. He then produced a large hardback book entitled "The SDANA Book of Grand Champions".

"See here, boys. This book contains the winners of the World-Wide Shaggy Dog Contest for the last 85 years. Page through that and see if you can spot any dogs shaggier than yours."

Of course, the boys could not.

The family invited Mr. Barquay inside, where they held a long discussion about Shaggy's possible career as a prize-winning Shaggy Dog. Later that evening, when Mr. Barquay had gone, the boys' parents made some phone calls and internet searches based on the SDANA material that Mr. Barquay had left behind. They became satisfied that SDANA was indeed a legitimate organization and that Mr. Barqay was a member in good standing (his picture even appeared in three places on the SDANA website, www.SDANA.org).

Mr. Barquay returned to the family's house the very next day with the entry forms for the next World-Wide Shaggy Dog Contest, which was to be held in Los Angeles in six weeks. "Normally, the deadline for entry is two months before the contest," explained Mr. Barquay, "but I should be able to get Shaggy entered as an at-large contestant with no problem. Of course, for the honor of representing such a gloriously shaggy animal (and for 30% of any prize winnings) I will assume full responsibility for all entry fees and make all necessary transportation arrangements." This seemed fair to Shaggy's family; after all, if it hadn't been for Mr. Barquay, they wouldn't have even known about SDANA or the WWSDC.

Early on the morning of the WWSDC, Mr. Barquay pulled up in front of Shaggy's house with his official SDANA Contestant-Carrying Station Wagon, which was specially outfitted to transport four people and one shaggy dog in comfort. The two boys and their mother (who was able to get the day off work for such a special occasion) joined Mr. Barquay and Shaggy for the three-hour ride to Los Angeles and the WWSDC.

As they neared the city, they noticed several station wagons like the one they were in, but the dogs in the back, as shaggy as they were, were clearly no match for Shaggy's shagginess. Time after time they would watch the faces fall in station wagon after station wagon as their would-be competition realized the futility of entering a shagginess competition against Shaggy when their dogs, shaggy as they were, were simply not Shaggy-shaggy.

When they pulled into the parking lot of the convention center where the WWSDC was being held, pandemonium ensued. The other competitors were split into two groups: those who selfishly groaned at the extreme shagginess of Shaggy, and those who were overjoyed at the sight of such a paragon of shagginess. Person after person rushed up to the two boys, their mother, Mr. Barquay, and (of course) Shaggy wanting to express their envy and excitement at the sight of what was, assuredly, the shaggiest of all possible shaggy dogs. As the group approached the door to the hall, they were having a hard time keeping their feet due to the constant jostling of the mob of shaggy dog lovers all trying to catch a glimpse or even run their hand along that unimaginably shaggy mane.

When the word of Shaggy's arrival had spread, a full third of the competitors simply left the building, hoping to beat the traffic. Every last one of the rest, however, joined the feverish mob surrounding Shaggy.

Suddenly, a chant started to arise. "Hemp-hill! Hemp-hill! Hemp-hill!"

"What are they saying?" asked Felix, becoming frightened by the press of the crowd.

"Judge Hemphill is the reigning president of the SDANA!" said Mr. Barquay excitedly. "He's the supreme authority at this contest! The people are calling on him to skip the formal competition and declare Shaggy the winner outright!"

The cries grew louder, "Hemp-hill! HEMP-HILL! HEMP-HILL!" and then dropped suddenly quiet as the crowd began to hurredly part. As the people hurriedly stepped back, Lester caught sight of an older, distinguished-looking gentleman with an air of quiet grace. This was certainly Judge Hemphill.

Judge Hemphill approached the family and politely gestured for them to step aside. Shaggy looked up at him and cocked his head, unsure of what was going on. Judge Hemphill walked in a slow, deliberate circle around Shaggy, looking him up and down. He paused, held his chin thoughtfully for a moment, turned his head to the assembled crowd, and said...



"He aint that shaggy!"




Too much....overload overload overload...

[hellfire1]

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."

[Hate_Breeder]

Originally posted by hellfire1
An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."

ooooo BURN!!!!!!

[Egekrusher]

Sam... that's just way too long for a joke.

Love the college one.

[Sam The Egg]

Originally posted by Egekrusher
Sam... that's just way too long for a joke.

Edge... that's kinda the point. It's a shaggy-dog joke.

[Egekrusher]

Ahhhh..

I just ate boogers.

[wufong]

why did the red neck cross the road????






















cause he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken!!!!!! LOFL... LOL LOL .SNORT.

[hellfire1]

in response to your little pic of the difference between europe and the us, shanks, this one's for you :

what do you call a pretty girl in england ?








































































































































... a tourist :D

the french really hate the british !! lol

[mayoisthedevil]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

[mayoisthedevil]

one of the funniest songs i've ever heard. From broadway musical Avenue Q. The songs is a little long so i put only the chorus.

Title: Everyone's a little bit Racist

chorus:
Everyone's a little bit racist
Sometimes.
Doesn't mean we go
Around committing hate crimes.
Look around and you will find
No one's really color blind.
Maybe it's a fact
We all should face
Everyone makes judgments
Based on race.

Everyone's a little bit racist
Today.
So, everyone's a little bit racist
Okay!
Ethinic jokes might be uncouth,
But you laugh because
They're based on truth.
Don't take them as
Personal attacks.
Everyone enjoys them -
So relax!

[Vampenguin]

God I love Shaggy Dog jokes....Saw it comming, but...lol







What did the bed say to the person who was up too late?






























I have no clue, Im too tired....see ya'll

[Vampenguin]

What's silver and red and waddles into walls?

A hungry zombie baby with forks in its eyes.











What's bald, has big clacking teeth, and wobbles?


A zombie baby wearing the dentures of an elderly woman whose brains it just ate.









Gotta love zombie babies....

[Vampenguin]

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.