Hey YOU- Read my story!

[Egekrusher]

http://www.horror.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=8380

[Stingy Jack]

Holy shit! I need to read your story!

[Egekrusher]

Yeah, actually, I was kinda directing this at you. :)

[Stingy Jack]

Oh. Ya coulda PMed me you know! :D Sorry. I've been in "long-post" mode all morning, at the Bush/Kerry thread.

[Vodstok]

No WAY! :D

[Egekrusher]

Comments would be good too. It's had 23 views with no comments. :(

Being my first chapter of my first story ever written, I really need input.

[Stingy Jack]

Ege, I read your story. :) Do you want me to put the input here, or on your story thread? I don't know if you want the thread to remain free of comments so that you can seamlessly post your whole story.

[Stingy Jack]

Well, I guess you are still at lunch, Ege. I'll go ahead and post my response here since I need to get going (this thread could always be moved).

I really like this story, so far. Surprising enough, I am honestly looking forward to reading the rest of it! I like your setting, your protagonist, and the fact that you set up the creepiness right away (the old house, the loner, the mysterious and gruesome apparitions). You do a great job with the basics of good storytelling, and I think you should really stick to it.

The criticisms I have are all small, technical things:

1) I think you move a little too fast. I would not have said so if this was a short story, but since you have divided it up into chapters, I am assuming that it is a novel. With a novel, you do not need to rush. Take your time to describe things a bit more. For example, your protagonist falls asleep and, we assume, he has a nightmare because he wakes up screaming. Why not show us this nightmare? You have the time to do it, and it will give us a chance, as readers, to get into your character's head even more. This is just an example.

2) Crap, I have to leave to go shopping. My wife is pulling the "I'm walking out the door!" maneuver. I will type more when I return.

[Egekrusher]

1. You will read more about his nightmares later, there's still a lot more character development to do and his nightmares are going to play a vital part of the story.

2. Shitty.

[Stingy Jack]

Okay, I'm back.

My first point from my previous post isn't really all that important. It is mainly concerned with story details that can be added after the rough draft is written, so I wouldn't be so concerned about that stuff just yet. However, if the nightmares play a major role in the story, you should at least provide a brief description of each of them.

My second and final criticism is more important and immediate, since it deals with the way in which you have begun to develop your character. I am drawn most specifically to this quote:

"I just can’t relate to people anymore. I find them repulsively primitive, unable to control their emotions and instincts. They hear no reason unless you beat it into them, which I have never been very good at. A slightly modified line from a country song says it best; “When it comes to brains they got the short end of the stick”. I know that this is a horrible attitude, but it is one that is being reinforced every day that I’m on this God-forsaken planet. Road rage, riots, parents killing their children, children killing their parents, even children shooting other children- all of it has proven to me how utterly hopeless this world is."

If I remember correctly, you posted these exact same words in a thread here, at the general forum, as your own thoughts. This leads me to believe that this particular aspect of your protagonist is one that you have invested a great amount of your own personality in, and, therefore, is perhaps the most important. This is fine, but we, as readers, find it hard to swallow that your protagonist really feels this way ... no matter how much you want us to believe it. This is because when we first meet your protagonist, he is engaged in the rather unreasonable and emotion-driven act of voyeurism, coupled with masturbation. Most readers, including myself, will think this performance is rather base and vile on the part of the protagonist. This association we have with him prevents us to believe that he abhors people who are "unable to control their emotions and instincts" to the point that he has isolated himself from society. If he is truly intelligent, then a little introspection on his part would cause him to realize that those things he hates in others are also present within himself, thus causing him to be a tad more forgiving.

But, perhaps you want him to become a walking contradiction. This is fine, if it is your intent. The only thing that makes me think it is not intentional is that I know you take the words I quoted to heart, and that you want us to identify with this aspect of your character. However, as I have said, his actions at the beginning of the story prevent us from doing so.

Other than that, I am sincere when I say I look forward to reading the rest of the story. I'm really intrigued by this character, and want to see where you take us with him. Keep it up! :)

[Egekrusher]

He is very much a walking contradiction. The line that you and I quoted was actually created for the story. I just posted it because it fit the thread. :)

The nightmares- all I can say is that as time goes on, I share more and more of the nightmare. It is a recurring nightmare that he doesn't remember at all at the moment. The closer we get towards the climax, the more is revealed to the main character, and also to the reader.

I'm almost finished with Chapter 2.

[Egekrusher]

Also, I just posted what I have of chapter 2 so far.

[Stingy Jack]

Okay. If you want to present your character as a contradiction, that's cool. You do it effectively! :D No criticisms there. I just thought that quote was something that you personally felt strongly about, and wanted us to specifically associate with that character.

As for the nightmares, sounds like an interesting technique. I'd like to see it play out. But, one more "detail" thing ... when your protagonist sees the vision in the mirror, you take some time to describe this vision before the character weilds a plunger and pisses all over the place (very funny scene ... hope you didn't want us to take it too seriously). I think this interrupts the flow of the narrative. While you are describing the apparition (if that's what it is), we picture the protagonist just standing in the mirror gazing at this guy the whole time the description is being read. Of course, the action didn't really flow like that. He saw the guy in the mirror, and immediately grabbed the plunger and peed all over the place. I think you should have waited until then, after he whirls around to face the guy, to describe what your protagonist saw. Wait for a lull in the action before you begin to supply lengthy descriptions. It keeps the flow of the narrative going.

I know I said I couldn't wait to read the rest of your story, but I think I want to wait until you have even more posted before I read it. Otherwise, you will be hearing my comments the whole way and I don't want to affect your story that way. You know? Kind of like a "I should butt out of it and let him handle it for a while" attitude. No offense. :)

[Egekrusher]

Oh, don't worry, I already know exactly where I'm going to take it.

I appreciate the suggestion about the action sequence. I didn't really want it to be taken too seriously, obviously. I never thought about where I was inserting the description. It was meant to be more of a quick glance than staring.

I updated it if you want to take another look.

[Stingy Jack]

What I would do with the bathroom scene from Chapter 1 is keep it as it is, only when your character looks in the mirror, limit the description to this sentence:

"When my eyes finally find their way there, I see what looks like a man about my size holding a butcher’s knife in his hand."

Then, have your character whirl around and do his thing with his weenie. When you get to the point where you say:

"Of course there was nothing there. How could there be?" and you provide the precautions he took in locking the house, then I would add: "But I could have sworn I saw the guy. Rather distinctly." Then provide the rest of the description. Of course, it's a pretty detailed description for a guy who only got a glance.

I saw your update, but I have not read it yet. Like I said before, I kind of want to wait until you have several pages (if not most of the story) written. This will provide me with a much clearer picture as to where you are taking your story, and provide me with ample material to critique. :) But, I DO want to read it!