got any good jokes?

[Gothic-chick]

What do you give an 80 year old woman for her birthday?








































Mikey! He'll eat anything................

[Vodstok]

Holy crap, that is nasty....:D

A little boy is walking down the street with his dog. the dog is yelping like crazy. a man sees them and asks the little boy what they are doing

"He is my fire engine"

The man notices that the dog is yelping because the boy has the leash tied around the dog's testicles.
"You know, your engine would probably go faster if you put his leash arounfd his neck."

The little boy looks to the man, then the dog, then to the man again and says "Yeah, but then i wouldt have a siren."

[Egekrusher]

That's gross. But it made me giggle. :)

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

[Egekrusher]

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning the Fathers room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash"

The second nun said, " Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms"

"Oh my" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them" she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh shit."

[Egekrusher]

A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."

The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"

The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."

[Egekrusher]

Two gay guys were walking together when one of them said, "You're not going to believe this, but I think I smell penis."

The other said, "That's because I just burped."

[Egekrusher]

A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it.

"What happened?" asked the doctor.

"I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer.

The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!"

[Egekrusher]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs !"

"Blowjobs!", the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her ! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off.

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied," If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

[Je Suis Phnomne]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."

[Je Suis Phnomne]

10 Condom Slogans
Condom Slogans:
1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize

[Je Suis Phnomne]

An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me, I can’t afford to die.” So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton said, “I am the wife of the former U.S. President, a Senator from New York, and a potential future president and I am the smartest woman in American history, so America’s people don’t want me to die.” She took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, “I’m the junior senator from Massachusetts. I am also going to be my party’s nominee for the President.” So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, “I have lived a full life, and served my country well, so you take the last parachute.”

The girl said, “That’s okay. There’s a parachute left for you. America’s smartest woman took my schoolbag.”

[Vodstok]

A man come shome from work to find his wife on the kitchen floor, scrubbing. he stares at her butt in her skirt wigging back and forth as she scrubs, and is overtaken with lust.

He lifts the back of her skirt, pull sher panties down and makes wild passionate whoopie with her.

When he's done, he slaps her up side the back of her head. She screams "What the hell was that for?!"

"For not looking back to see who it was."

[Je Suis Phnomne]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, upon a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most
heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground."
I yelled, "Now, back! off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed, but said: "We don't show any record of this - when did all this happen?"

"Oh....Just a couple minutes ago."

[bloodrayne]

Thanks for the laughs guys...I needed that...Here's one from the Shadowman RPG...

The little boy and the serial killer walk into the woods at night...The little boy is holding his hand and he looks up into the serial killer's face...Shivering from cold and fright, he says "Please mister...I am so scared in these deep, dark woods, I can't see a thing...I'm cold and hungry and lost and I really want my mommy...Please mister...I'm really, REALLY SCARED..." and the little boy is crying profusely, so the serial killer looks down at him and says "Shutup and stop whining...How the hell do you think I feel?? I have to walk back out of these deep, dark, cold, scary woods...ALL BY MYSELF!!!"...


Now, wasn't that funny?...:D

[Vodstok]

You are sick, lady.... Keep it up :D

[bloodrayne]

Originally posted by Vodstok
You are sick, lady.... Keep it up :D Thanks for the compliment;)

[hellfire1]

sick bloodrayne !! here's a cute one :

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked. The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad." The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar." The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!

[Egekrusher]

I just sent that one around work here... everyone fucking loved it.

[hellfire1]

lol ;)

[Je Suis Phnomne]

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla--for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

[Je Suis Phnomne]

One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.

The ant asked, "What do I get in return?"

The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."

So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?".

The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?" The ant climbs up and starts to work away. Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head.

"Ouch" screams the elephant, and the ant responds, "Yeah take it all bitch."

[Je Suis Phnomne]

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, " Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, " Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

[Vodstok]

A preganant woman has taken her little boy to the zoo. As they are walkign around they come to the elephant cage, where a rather large bull is hagning around.

The little boy points to it and says "Mommy, what is that thing hanging off the elephant?

The mom looks and says "thats his trunk".

The little boy says "no, the thing by his backside"

"Oh, that is his tail."

"no no, whats the thing infront of that?'
The mother's eyes get wide and she gets emnerrased. "Oh, thats nothing".

A few months later, mom is in the hospital with the new baby, and dad is now aty the zoo with the boy. They end up at the elephants again. Now the boy thinks he willget some answers.

The little boy points to it and says "Daddy, what is that thing hanging off the elephant?

The dad says "thats his trunk".

The little boy says "no, the thing by his backside"

"Oh, that is his tail."

"no no, whats the thing infront of that?'
"Oh that? Thats his penis"

The little boy goes "oh. Mommy said it was nothing."

The dad says "well, she's just spoiled. " :)

[Vodstok]

Two peanuts were walking down an alley in New York. One was assaulted.

[Egekrusher]

...

Vod...

No.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.

The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"

The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

[Je Suis Phnomne]

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her."

The boss says, "You fuck your sister?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

[Egekrusher]

HA!

[Je Suis Phnomne]

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.

He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc.

He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love......

He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth.

The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know about sex?"

"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

[Vodstok]

LOL!

That makes up for my peanut joke.

The sister joke, i mean

[hellfire1]

lol

nice to see you make at least one person laugh :p


i'm kidding !!!!!!!

[Hate_Breeder]

Well im pretty good. My hair was.............oh hehe :cool:

[hellfire1]

and how are YOU hate breeder ?? lol

@md2 : we'll talk later ;)

[Hate_Breeder]

Lol im actually doing ok. Glad to see that people are in a good mood today lol.

And what can i say MD i wear my sunglasses at night :cool:

[Hate_Breeder]

Originally posted by MD2
K, doll.



Whats better than roses on your piano?





Tulips on your organ.


Aaaahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Whoa! That ones awesome.


How do you make a dead baby float?

[Hate_Breeder]

Originally posted by MD2
Nothin wrong with that. lol!


Can we due ethnic and racial jokes w/ out anyone getting offended? I mean we're all adults right?

Not sure

[Hate_Breeder]

Originally posted by MD2
How?


Can we do racial and ethnic w/ out getting offended?


You add a scoop of ice cream and some root beer. But idk about the ethinic stuff. You might have to ask one of the mods..

[Hate_Breeder]

hmm idk what?

[newb]

What do you call a girl with no leggs?






















"Consuelo"





get it...cunts way low....ohh forget it...if I have to explain it..grrrrrr

[bloodrayne]

Why don't Mexicans grill out?




















Because, the beans keep falling through the grill:D

[Egekrusher]

Racial/ethnic/religious/sexist jokes should all be fine, a joke is a joke.

[Hate_Breeder]

Whats grosser than a pile of dead babies?

[Hate_Breeder]

An alive babie at the bottom eating its way out :cool:

[Hate_Breeder]

HAHAHAH