Deep thoughts.....

[Vodstok]

By Jack Handy

Remember these? They were the greatest. I was writing about guppies in another thread and was inspired. here is one i always loved:

They couldnt take a dog up into space, because if he stuck his head out the window on the way back, it would burn off.

[Sistinas]

Those were some funny shit.

[kpropain]

LOL that's a good one Vod, yeah I remember the deep thoughts....

[Je Suis Phnomne]

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

[Je Suis Phnomne]

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

[Je Suis Phnomne]

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

[hellfire1]

cough*postwhore*cough :p

though the last one is very funny !

[Je Suis Phnomne]

Originally posted by hellfire1
cough*postwhore*cough :p

though the last one is very funny !

lol at least my posts are contributing to the thread lol

[hellfire1]

mais oui ! :p

[Je Suis Phnomne]

but nothin....

and here's another from the Post Whore Mafia.....

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

compliments of the Post Whore Mafia....


If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

[bloodrayne]

Originally posted by Je Suis Phnomne
lol at least my posts are contributing to the thread lol Hey...I'm not complaining about postwhoring...I LOVE these...More please:)

[Egekrusher]

Originally posted by bloodrayne
Hey...I'm not complaining about postwhoring...I LOVE these...More please:)

[Je Suis Phnomne]

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.


::Post Whore Mafia for Prez 2004::

[Je Suis Phnomne]

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...

[Je Suis Phnomne]

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

[Je Suis Phnomne]

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.

[kpropain]

Originally posted by Je Suis Phnomne
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

LMFAO dude that is fucking hilarious...:D

[Je Suis Phnomne]

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

[Je Suis Phnomne]

son of a bitch, it looks like my post count has capped out......


fin

[hellfire1]

hey ya, postwhore ! empty your pm box... we have unfinished business !!!!!! lol

[Je Suis Phnomne]

*grinz* done

[orangestar]

Originally posted by Je Suis Phnomne
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

The best Deep Thought ever.

[Freddy Krueger.]

Originally posted by Sistinas
Those were some funny shit. I second that.

[natas]

I remember these!!

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.