since nobody reads the fiction forum im gonna post this here

[jay o2 waster]

Ok, so today I had this overwelming compulsion to start writing a story, and this is what i did. tell me if it sucks, or not cause i think i might keep going on it



-----------------------------------------------------------------
The streets seemed to call out to him, as if they didn't want him there. He had grown use to the feeling and wasn't expecting a warm welcome.

* * *

"Marcus, get your ass up and open this door!" The sound of what could only be his mothers fist raping the door clouded his head.

Mar throws his pillows over his head. "No!"

The voice on the other side of the door softens, "Mar, I promise that this is the last time."

The door swings open and his mother looks up. Looking down on his mother he mutters, "That’s what you said the last three times." It felt strange looking down, he still hasn't gotten used to the fact that he has grown five inches over the summer, and his mother who only stands at five three seems to have shrunk.

"All you do is spend time in that room of yours, don't you want to go out and make some friends." She says it with a new enthusiasm.

"Nope" he says brushing past his mother. And with good reason too, no matter where he goes it is the same. New friends always equal new scars. He has learned to make friends else ware. In his room.

Running down the stairs he stops in front of the fridge. Opens it up grabs a pop and heads back up, ignoring the fact that his mother is still rambling on about the importance of meeting new people. She follows him all the way to the foot of the steps and decides that she is wasting her time, and retreats to the living room to finish folding the clothes.

Mar, walking up the steps, suddenly can't even remember what he was doing in his room when he was interrupted. Oh well, he thinks, it's never really important if you can't remember. Walking past the bathroom and the linen closet he reaches his door. It is blank, he still hasn't put up the random heavy metal pictures that he usually does within the first week of moving into a new house.

He opens the door and it is a breath of fresh air to finally be back to a place that seems welcoming. Laying down he realizes that he hasn't even gotten dressed and was still walking around in his boxers. Getting up seems like such a task for such a little thing as getting dressed and he decides to turn on the TV.

It's not long before he realizes that his mother is pounding on the door again. "What?" He says as he sets the soda on the headboard of his water bed.

[newb]

Not bad jay. But, would the streets call out to him if they didn't want him there? Also,I would change the name of the main character. Your calling him Mar for short .....just doesn't do it for me.

[jay o2 waster]

the mar thing was a typo at first and it just stuck, but i am planning on changing the characters name, i just have to think of something cool, as for the streets thing, not sure, ill think of something

[Egekrusher]

Good so far, but the opening line should change. I have a suggestion for ya:

Instead of "The streets seemed to call out to him, as if they didn't want him there."

Use "The streets seemed to be warning him menacingly, as if they didn't want him there."

Just a suggestion.

[Vodstok]

Saying "The streets seemed to shout out at him" has the same effect, and requires less restructuring.

Pretty intersting that it is written in second-person present-tense. that is pretty difficult to pull off and have it make sense. it reads more like a script than a story, which is pretty cool.

[kpropain]

That's pretty good Jay keep addong to it...

[newb]

I would make it a zombie book and call it "Gloom" :)

[Vodstok]

Dont make me hurt you, newb

[newb]

Plagiarist.........who....me.

[Vodstok]

"You Stole mah story."

"I'm sorry, i dont know you."
"Well I know you, Mr Raney, and you stole mah story."


Sorry, just saw secret window this weekend. :)

[Hate_Breeder]

Originally posted by Vodstok
"You Stole mah story."

"I'm sorry, i dont know you."
"Well I know you, Mr Raney, and you stole mah story."


Sorry, just saw secret window this weekend. :)

Is it any good? Everybody on the site says its stupid..i love John Turtorro though, hes awesome

[Stingy Jack]

Originally posted by Vodstok
Saying "The streets seemed to shout out at him" has the same effect, and requires less restructuring.

Pretty intersting that it is written in second-person present-tense. that is pretty difficult to pull off and have it make sense. it reads more like a script than a story, which is pretty cool.

Okay, I hate to sound like the picky English teacher, but this is not written in second person. It would be second person if the main character was "you." As in "You pull your pillow over your head as your mother continues to rap on the door."

I would make a couple of suggestions, but I want to wait to see where it goes. There is one thing, though. The character of the mother -- her very first line gives us an immediate impression of her. That of the domineering bitch-mom. But, the character doesn't hold. In fact, the rest of her actions and comments seem as if they are made by someone who would never pound on the door and yell: "Get your ass out of bed!" But, the main character is holding well, and you do a good job of establishing time and place. This makes me think you are writing a novel. If it was a short story, you might want to introduce the conflict sometime soon.

Keep it up!

[hellfire1]

you sound just like my old english teacher... i hated her :p lol

[Stingy Jack]

Originally posted by hellfire1
you sound just like my old english teacher... i hated her :p lol

Actually, I am the COOLEST English teacher in my school!! If not the coolest teacher OF THEM ALL!

Except for those kids who are willfully ignorant. I make their lives hard. ;)

[hellfire1]

Originally posted by Stingy Jack

Except for those kids who are willfully ignorant. I make their lives hard. ;)


yeah... i saw the pic !!! lol
but you do look really kewl... a bit sadistic, but cool nonetheless !

[jay o2 waster]

I think I have an idea for what it will be about. but i can't tell yah yet...

[jay o2 waster]

Originally posted by Stingy Jack
Okay, I hate to sound like the picky English teacher, but this is not written in second person. It would be second person if the main character was "you." As in "You pull your pillow over your head as your mother continues to rap on the door."

I would make a couple of suggestions, but I want to wait to see where it goes. There is one thing, though. The character of the mother -- her very first line gives us an immediate impression of her. That of the domineering bitch-mom. But, the character doesn't hold. In fact, the rest of her actions and comments seem as if they are made by someone who would never pound on the door and yell: "Get your ass out of bed!" But, the main character is holding well, and you do a good job of establishing time and place. This makes me think you are writing a novel. If it was a short story, you might want to introduce the conflict sometime soon.

Keep it up!

the reason that she is so dominering is that the kid spends all of his time in his room, no matter what he could be doing.

[Dr Pepper]

FUCK YOU LIBERAL JEWS ASS NIGGERS

[jay o2 waster]

lolololol, i might be able to fit that in the plot somewhere

[Stingy Jack]

Yeah, I understand why the mom is saying that. But, what is a little odd is that she completely changes her personality and becomes "Brady Bunch Mom" right after she's yelling about her son's ass. It just comes off a little odd.

[Vodstok]

Originally posted by Stingy Jack
Okay, I hate to sound like the picky English teacher, but this is not written in second person. It would be second person if the main character was "you." As in "You pull your pillow over your head as your mother continues to rap on the door."

I would make a couple of suggestions, but I want to wait to see where it goes. There is one thing, though. The character of the mother -- her very first line gives us an immediate impression of her. That of the domineering bitch-mom. But, the character doesn't hold. In fact, the rest of her actions and comments seem as if they are made by someone who would never pound on the door and yell: "Get your ass out of bed!" But, the main character is holding well, and you do a good job of establishing time and place. This makes me think you are writing a novel. If it was a short story, you might want to introduce the conflict sometime soon.

Keep it up!

I stand corrected, and appreciate any further input you may supply :)

I was an awesome English student :D

[Vodstok]

Originally posted by Dr Pepper
Sammy David Jr :rolleyes:

Get it? He was black, and Jewish... No? Oh well. At any rate, banned in 9 posts, that must be some sort of record.

[Stingy Jack]

Originally posted by Vodstok
I stand corrected, and appreciate any further input you may supply :)

I was an awesome English student :D

LoL! I have no doubt about that. You were probably a little thrown by the present tense, which you really don't see much of in published writing. I'm not too fond of it, myself, but it certainly isn't incorrect to write that way. I see a lot of it in my writing class, and I think you really hit on something when you said "It reads like a screenplay." That just made me realize that this may just be THE reason why many of my students write in the present tense. They write as if they are describing a movie that they are watching -- seeing as most, if not all of them, are more used to stories being told on screen than in print. It is all so clear to me now.

[Vodstok]

I present to you "Nuggets of insight", they are like Hershey's nuggets, but with less chocolate :)

Actually, if you read any of my stuff and have any comments, corrections, i would appreciate any feedback. if they dont need any, then I am either really good, or you are pulling my leg :)

[Stingy Jack]

Originally posted by Vodstok
I present to you "Nuggets of insight", they are like Hershey's nuggets, but with less chocolate :)

Actually, if you read any of my stuff and have any comments, corrections, i would appreciate any feedback. if they dont need any, then I am either really good, or you are pulling my leg :)

I don't mind offering advice. Link me to what you consider your best story, and I will read it. I try to make my students read each other's work and have them offer at least one positive comment and one negative comment. It is so hard to get them to say anything negative about a peer's writing, though. They worry about insulting the writer. I have to start each semester by saying: "Nobody in this class is so great a writer that there is absolutely nothing wrong with anything they write. When you critique a work by someone in this class, the negative comments are not meant to be insulting, but are made to help the author improve his or her work. Authors need this kind of constructive criticism, otherwise they will never get better." So, I spend a lot of time finding ways to improve my students' writing, since they absolutely refuse to do it for each other.

[Vodstok]

Hmmmm... I would say, at least out of what i have posted online, that Gloom (http://scaredyet.net/gloom/) is my best. At leaast, it is the hardest I have tried to be consistent with the actual quality of my writing as well as the content, where as usually I just trust my instincts with english and try to make the story itself the most important thing.

i have had it torn apart before, and have made many improvements, but until it is published in a book, there is always room for improvement :)

[Stingy Jack]

Okay, I'll check it out as soon as I get my printer working (it's just a matter of reinstalling the driver.) For some reason, I can't read fiction on a screen. I tried to get one of those e-books and I just ended up selling it. Never got into it.

[Egekrusher]

I was also an awesome English student. I was one of those kids who, without even trying, could get straight A's in all of my classes. Hell, I rarely did homework, but never got below an A- in any of my classes. That was enough to get me at least a C in all of them. I didn't even have to read the books. I'd half-sleep through class, kind of paying attention, and still know more than the other students. Quite a shame, really, because who knows where I'd be now if it wasn't for that attitude. I was getting straight A's in Algebra... in 6th grade. Then I got into drugs and stopped caring about school. I started getting depressed shortly before I started doing drugs, and then they just made it so much worse. I'm lucky to still be alive today. I'm 20 years old now, and I've done and seen more things than any person should. I've done everything except for stick a needle in my arm. Crack, coke, meth, weed, exctasy, etc. You name it I've done it. I know I did some massive brain damage. My IQ, even back in 5th grade, was 150. If I had stayed on the same path, who knows what it may have been today. Instead, now I struggle to remember people's names. I suffer from mental illnesses that are, for the most part, self inflicted. Alas, I am slowly regaining my coherence and defeating the depression that has been so mind numbingly oppressive for so many years.

Drugs are bad, mmmmmkay?

[BudMan]

Gloom is a very good read. Check it out Stingy.


Good to see ya getting on your feet ege.

[Egekrusher]

Thanks Bud. I need all the encouragement I can get.