I'm going to try a "watch and post" thing ::SPOILER HEAVY::

[Roiffalo]

http://orig06.deviantart.net/a46d/f/2015/232/8/1/idk_what_i_m_doing_by_kigerwolfrd-d96hqx1.png

I'm putting full blame for this on Repo'd.


I don't know if people take much stock on my opinions in movies, but I'm going to tell you them anyway.


We love horror movies, no matter how cheesy they may be. But let's face it, even if some make it to the list of classics or cult favorites, they're still hellafun to make fun of. After all, no movie is perfect. Especially those from the great movie eras of the 70s and 80s. Today's aren't much better and in my opinion are spread far and few in between as far as a good flick, so there's always the chance of one of those sneaking their way in here.

I can't make a video to save my life, so these will be random written things. Images and probably gifs. Spoiler heavy to warn you, and they'll likely be more entertaining if you've seen the movie, but if you don't care about spoilers go ahead and read on anyway.

Considering it's Thursday, I might make this an every Thursday thing. Give or take a day depending on work.


Reviews on the reviews are welcome and encouraged.

...I think that's it.

http://orig02.deviantart.net/8889/f/2015/232/a/c/giphy4_by_kigerwolfrd-d96hssw.gif

- Frogs (http://www.horror.com/forum/showthread.php?p=999076#post999076)
- Trespassing (Evil Remains) (http://www.horror.com/forum/showthread.php?p=999560#post999560)
- Mexican Werewolf in Texas (http://www.horror.com/forum/showthread.php?p=999582#post999582)
- Wes Craven's New Nightmare (http://www.horror.com/forum/showthread.php?p=999992#post999992)
- Hills Have Eyes (2006) (http://www.horror.com/forum/showthread.php?p=999992#post999992)
- House on Haunted Hill (1999) (http://horror.com/forum/showthread.php?p=1004659#post1004659)
- An American Ghost Story (http://horror.com/forum/showthread.php?p=1009317#post1009317)
- Dark Moon Rising (http://horror.com/forum/showthread.php?p=1009572#post1009572)
- The Diabolical (http://horror.com/forum/showpost.php?p=1010343&postcount=26)
- Neverlake (http://horror.com/forum/showthread.php?p=1010456#post1010456)
- Uncaged (http://horror.com/forum/showthread.php?p=1012072#post1012072)
- Dark Moon Rising (2015) (http://horror.com/forum/showthread.php?p=1012151#post1012151)

[Repo'd]

Looking forward to it, and REALLY nice work on the art!

[Roiffalo]

Frogs
I know the title alone will probably turn at least two of you away. Continue at your own risk. ::smile::
::SPOILER HEAVY:: (I don't know how to review so read my rambles while I watch it)

So many adorable frogs. I can't wait to see how they'll kill people.

*half an hour of movie in*

OOOOOOH MY GOD SOMEONE ELSE NEEDS TO DIE ALREADY. They found ONE body and it wasn't even a big deal. Didn't even look messed up. Could've fell and broke his neck for all anyone knows.

And there's so many frog shots. I'm starting to hear voices when we see them. They get about as much screen time as the actors without even saying a damn thing.

http://orig15.deviantart.net/8db4/f/2015/232/1/d/frogs_by_kigerwolfrd-d96hv3g.png

FINALLY! Our first kill. And it's dumb as fuck. The guy's leg randomly gets a hole in it, then for some reason is attacked by moss and tarantulas... And there was also a scorpion... Are those arachnids even IN the south? The guy's leg gets disabled yet he can't crush the creatures with his hands... I guess once you lose a leg you lose the ability to use your brain too.

Second guy goes via lizards. I keep random jars of poison in my greenhouse, don't you?

The third is giving me snakes on a plane flashbacks. ...This movie is about killer FROGS right? I mean they did only name the movie after them.

Fourth goes by gators. After he mud wrestles with them for a little bit that is. I'm convinced at this point that the frogs are the masterminds behind all this, and therefore the big finale. I hope they go for the stupid grandfather.

...I think the fifth was water snakes but the best is certainly the sixth via snapping turtle. That's what you get for being stupid enough to go in the water.

"Where are Mommy and Daddy?" Well kids let's just say you qualify to be a superhero now.

Funny how the treehugger was the only one smart enough to actually hit back when nature attacked. ::roll eyes::

Called the ending. I still say the frogs organized everything. Clever bastards. Otherwise their whole purpose of the film was to annoy their victims to death and hop menacingly.


If you want a dumb horror movie to watch for the 4th of July, go right ahead and stick in Frogs. Make sure to stick around for ALL the credits.

PS: Sam Elliott's face was fucking glorious before the mustache

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/0f/3e/fd/0f3efd805a62aaed028fec2ea0f59777.jpg

[Roiffalo]

Looking forward to it, and REALLY nice work on the art!

Thank you, Repo'd!
It was a dumb idea that came to mind before bed last night so I scribbled it and thought it'd make a good introduction. ::big grin::

[Dude Guadalupe]

I've thought of doing something like an audio version this as an add on to my youtube channel. Kinda like the way rifftrax or MST3K did it, only focused on horror.

It's a good idea. I'm looking forward to seeing how it turns out.

[Roiffalo]

I've thought of doing something like an audio version this as an add on to my youtube channel. Kinda like the way rifftrax or MST3K did it, only focused on horror.

It's a good idea. I'm looking forward to seeing how it turns out.

My girlfriend encourages me heavily to make it an audio review, but even if I didn't hate my voice I have NO idea how to go about it. I have no skills with videos and no patience what so ever for them. I think the written is just as effective anyway if I can somehow get my words to come out right. Needs more stupid screencaps though I think.

And thanks much! I was a little encouraged by your videos to be honest. 8)
I'm afraid of spoilers so I don't often get to watch and comment on them though.

[Dude Guadalupe]

The hardest thing I've had to do was accept my own voice. Going through all the editing and hearing myself talk is so weird sometimes. Usually by the time I'm done, I never want to hear myself again...at least until it's time to make the next video. It gets easier though.

As for spoilers, I like to think that I don't ruin too much of the movie with them. I don't know how well that works out though. So far, I think The Bloofer Lady is the only one to admit to not having seen something I've reviewed.

Your review was pretty good. Since I've seen the movie a few times, I knew exactly what you were talking about.

If you ever decide to try audio or video, I can try to help you with the basics. Just let me know.

[Roiffalo]

The hardest thing I've had to do was accept my own voice. Going through all the editing and hearing myself talk is so weird sometimes. Usually by the time I'm done, I never want to hear myself again...at least until it's time to make the next video. It gets easier though.

As for spoilers, I like to think that I don't ruin too much of the movie with them. I don't know how well that works out though. So far, I think The Bloofer Lady is the only one to admit to not having seen something I've reviewed.

Your review was pretty good. Since I've seen the movie a few times, I knew exactly what you were talking about.

If you ever decide to try audio or video, I can try to help you with the basics. Just let me know.
I'll try them out then. If anything maybe they'll help me try something new. ^^

I'm glad you liked it! Can't promise they'll get better but hey I hope they entertain.

Will do! Thanks so much, Dude. 8)

[Roiffalo]

I have no idea what to title today's movie. I found it on Netflix where it's called 'Evil Remains', but during the opening credits they refer to it as 'Trespassing'.
-

I expected your cliche abusive southern family with our opening scene, but what a twist. The son is actually quite insane. When your kid strangles the family pet, that's a red flag right there to either send it away or kill it with fire. ...Ironically suggested before the mother is killed.

And the next scene has Daniel Gillies (Vampire Diaries, Originals) and Kurtwood Smith (That 70's Show) and I lose my shit. Gillies plays a grad student working on a thesis interviewing Smith's character who's a doctor of sorts. I'm guessing a therapist since he's talking about the Bryce kid who killed his parents.

The Bryce family was supposedly residence on a property that was cursed. Some bitch who had slaves back in the day was abusive and lights her home on fire with her slaves still inside. ...That's not so much a curse so much as more evidence that the place is likely cursed. Seeing as the kid also did the same to his mother.

Grad student (Mark I think) of course doesn't believe in the curse and intends to go to this place, and take all his idiot friends with him. But first! Let's play cards at a frat party! You guys are so hardcore.

Oh and lesbians. I don't see why that's important but they spent too much time on it so I guess it's important so I'm mentioning it.

Finally road trip time. Lots of nice eerie scenery on the way I must say. Especially that ass end of the van. The grounds are nice, house is nice. Mark tells comedy relief to shut up and drama occurs. That scene went no where but to strengthen my hope that he dies.

We've already split up at this point. The girls having gone for a walk and come across a fuck ton of traps in the forest. Saving a pet rabbit and found a human skull. ...Forgetting about the human skull moments later.

Two pointless transitions later, comedy relief who's also the sound guy (Eric) thinks he hears something and calls Mark over, who debunks it as Tyler the camera guy in the basement. Tyler is indeed in the basement, and loud crashes bring him upstairs. Runs into Mark and they start a weird bitch fit. Just make out already.

Now I know Gillies can act. So what is with him and the wall... it's bleeding and he's practically molesting it. No don't cry it's nothing to cry over. Where can I abort movie. Yes go in the attic. Anything but what you're doing now. Welp we found comic relief. Figured he'd be the first to die. Mark is between himself killing Eric or his younger brother the camera guy killing him.

Oh hay the lesbians suddenly remember the skull. ...Sure, honey. You tell yourself it's just a novelty toy.

Tyler mouthed off to Mark about their abusive daddy and walked into a trap of some sort... I think it impaled his torso... I can't see what the hell happened to him. He's just dead now k.

At this point I can't tell if Mark is scared or going crazy... probably the later. And Tyler's body somehow walked away. After a few weird camera angles Mark attacks a window and gets out of the attic, only to fall off the roof and get pulled back inside.

The lesbians see him but don't heed his warning, running towards the house like character fodder and fall in a cellar. Crawling further in the one with dreads appears to be going crazy. Surprisingly the blond (Christie I think) is the strong female in this. Dreds is going nuts. Gee I wonder if this place really IS cursed. Cursed to make everyone over dramatic to the point of killing them to make them shut up.

The killer wearing a mask made of a canine skull and fur comes downstairs and the two make a run for it, using the flash of a camera in the basement that Tyler left behind. Dredlocks' leg is bad so she falls and Christie goes to help her up... and I have to rewind cause a second later Dreds is at a window and blondie is following? Movie you're drunk stop.

And we're outsiiiide and we're runningggg. Dreds bitches about her legs but she still runs. They make it to the van but the steering wheel comes off. ...CONVENIENT.

"He's going to kill us. And it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt when he kills us." Best line.

Come on blondie just kill her. She asked for it and she's slowing you down and being VERY rude. Bipolar rude. ''I'm scared, i want to go home, HE'S NOT THE KILLER THAT GUY'S DEAD DAMMIT.''

"Oh nooooo poison oak! I'll be itching for days!" *gets stabbed* I think that's the least of your problems.

So the lone blond keeps running and finds a random barn with a guy welding inside it. She talks him into calling the cops and he's just giggly as fuck to the guy on the other end. His back's to the door. GUESS WHAT HAPPENS.

If you have half a braincell you assume he gets dead and you get a cookie. Going after blondie she runs to the highway and makes it across the road. Dog face isn't so lucky and gets hit by a semi. I'm sure he's fiiiiiiiiine.

FOUR YEARS LATER.
Some ignorant bitch is questioning the good doctor about Christie with this rumor or whatever that she was the one that killed everyone. Doc should've threatened to put his foot up her ass if she went to that house. I think it would've been more effective. Instead he tells her to do her research. ...HELPFUL. She'll be next to die after the creds roll.

It's no wonder Kurtwood didn't want to be credited in this. YOU CAN'T ESCAPE IMDB THOUGH, RED.


(I wanted to add some screencaps but my computer is being a bitch and I'm drawing blanks, so you'll have to deal with my asshole remarks for today.)

[Giganticface]

One of the worst movies I've ever seen... Which makes it a great choice for a rant! ::cool::

[Roiffalo]

I had off work tonight and found a bad movie on YouTube.

...So you guys are getting spoiled with two reviews tonight!

-

Mexican Werewolf in Texas
(This one's on YouTube!)

They took the climatic reveal of the werewolf away within the first five seconds after the opening credits (which had a really rad song). That's no fun, now what will I look forward to? Certainly not all the racism and bad acting.

http://orig08.deviantart.net/363b/f/2015/240/c/4/mex_wwolf_by_kigerwolfrd-d97fu5k.png

Just so you guys know, tents make bad shelter from Mexican werewolves.

http://orig10.deviantart.net/b185/f/2015/240/f/b/mex_wwolf2_by_kigerwolfrd-d97fu55.png

Then the chupacabra hunter shows up. He talks so fast it's like the actor is trying to get through his lines as fast as possible to get his time in this done and over with as fast as possible.

The kids have the bright idea to hunt the werewolf/chupacabra by using a goat as bait. One of the kids wearing some of it's blood like facepaint to lure it out. ...Then going off with his girlfriend to shag in the tumbleweeds. Smart. I'm sure you can guess what happens to these two from here.

http://orig15.deviantart.net/4813/f/2015/240/e/5/mex_wwolf3_by_kigerwolfrd-d97fu4y.png

Typical idiot blond SOMEHOW got away. Why. For the love of GOD... The Cops come across her in a booth with her girlfriends and she's just fine. She wonders if Tommy thought of her as he was getting mauled when the local law enforcement ask her what happened. As she's explaining, the movie flashes back FIVE FUCKING MINUTES. We were there, movie! The flashbacks WERE NOT needed.

The vet and his round table of buddies is approached by his (I'm assuming) assistant. She asks if she can take care of a call to help a backed up cow if she can have the next morning off and he agrees. As she walks away the vet comments how she'll make a great vet someday. Did you call it like I did that she wouldn't even make it to the end of the movie? Yes? Aren't you clever.

Locals and law enforcement start to panic and go hunting and naturally they panic over nothing and one of them ends up shooting one of their own in the leg. Brilliant. That's about as smart as WolfCop's annual 'Drink and Shoot'.

http://orig07.deviantart.net/bbbb/f/2015/240/7/c/mex_wwolf5_by_kigerwolfrd-d97fv39.png

A few characters that are a bit entertaining are relatives of the main character. An old dude with a hearing aid that either works too well or not at all, and a fat guy with an eye patch who looks after him. The older guy is much smarter than the younger was. Cars apparently make better shelters, he lives to tell a great story about the "chuchuqueera" ripping Patchy the Redneck to pieces. They flashback again naturally for this.

Cut to the racist parents doing dishes together. And by that I mean she bitches and whines and he holds a fork over her back for a contemplating moment. Do it. We both know you want to.

These scenes can get so random. Cut to some bitch stopping at the butcher only for him to ALMOST rape her which went nowhere and suddenly the chupacabra comes out of nowhere to eat him while she uses furniture as a shield. Yes. Hide behind a chair. Noooo way it can get you there.

http://orig02.deviantart.net/2021/f/2015/240/4/0/mex_wwolf6_by_kigerwolfrd-d97fvg8.png

Next day racist dad discovers his daughter her bf talking over a walkie talkie wave length using a radio. He throws some stuff in a bag and takes off. In the middle of the desert he reveals he's got a suit of fur and a fork... That's more unsettling than creepy. Moron approaches the shack where the boy's staked out and gets himself shot at. Chupey thankfully finds him first and he gets softly mauled.

I love this movie's solution to a car stall cliche. Chupacabra attacks and one of the girls screams to distract it, so naturally the blond flashes it. I just love the look on the things face. It actuallly worked. the fucker just stands and stares for a moment like, "What. What do I do? Do I eat it?"

http://orig15.deviantart.net/93ea/f/2015/240/8/b/mex_wwolf4_by_kigerwolfrd-d97fu4p.png

Truck starts up, they run it over a few times, racist dad tries to stab the vet who picked him up when he found him on the side of the road, only to be tranqued by the chupecabra hunter who just didn't need to be in this movie at ALL.

Happy ending yada yada yada jump scare.

[Roiffalo]

One of the worst movies I've ever seen... Which makes it a great choice for a rant! ::cool::

Thank you! I play them by ear really. I have seen worse than this but it's hard to review a movie with TOO MUCH wrong. You just end up with a wall of text that you know nobody will read. Actually had to take some out of the one I just posted.

[Repo'd]

That sounds like a horrible film watching experience. ::big grin::

Thanks for the share AND the warning!

[Roiffalo]

That sounds like a horrible film watching experience. ::big grin::

Thanks for the share AND the warning!

It's what I'm here for.


...not really but it's what this topic is here for

[Roiffalo]

I had my Wes Craven-thon yesterday, and for two I got on a little bit of a rant. It was unexpected.

Wes Craven's New Nightmare
::SPOILERS:: (I went a little ramble crazy I'm sorry)

I can see why people might not think much of this. The opening scene even for a dream is hammy, and could Robert England be any more of an attention whore? But that's what Freddy is right? I'm not to experienced with this franchise so I'll keep most of my opinions to myself.

Wes Craven himself is on set in the first scene and that just made everything okay. Think my eyes are sweating idk

I really want one of those rotating dinosaur nightlights. I keep seeing them in movies and I just think they're so damn cool. And speaking of dinosaurs, how adorable is Dylan using his stuffed t-rex as his guard.

The husband dies and she keeps getting warnings about how horrible the body looks. ...My cats have brought me more gruesome bodies to my doorstep.

But good lord all the original cast at the funeral... I can't help but think of the funeral being for Wes. And then he shows up again like; It's okay. Horror never ends.

Honestly, WHY do people keep trying to make kids scary... The kid ties knives to his hands and goes after mom. Even in a dream that's not scary. Kids are easy to overpower, don't try to convince me a lone child screaming and going after you is dangerous. Or at least life threatening.

Shame about the babysitter. I liked her.

Here's an idea. When going after your kid walking towards a VERY busy highway, instead of climbing over the fence when you have a fully functioning vehicle, DRIVE THROUGH IT.

What's crazy about this film is that even though it looks like it could be late 90s early 2000s, it's from 1994. Hard to tell until they use effects. Then it's painfully obvious.

The blending of the two worlds in the end was gradual but quick at the same time... I have no idea how but it was actually pretty awesome. The movie plays out like a dream from here. Like when you dream you're one place wearing something then for some reason your suddenly in different clothes at a different place and time. It's actually eerie.

I don't have anything to really complain about from here. The dreamworld was fun and fucked up like it should be. Robert England was as fun and dangerous as ever. (About a broken jar of snakes: "Pick a pet for the rugrat, BITCH.")

Curious about the random grey streak in her hair. Was this a reference to an earlier Elm Street film or homage to Poltergeist?

The Hills Have Eyes (2006)
::SPOILERS:: can't keep my opinions to myself today

I actually saw this before the original, and believe it or not I liked the remake BETTER. Surely I was ill. I'm watching them in reverse this time after not having seen them in so long. I watched the original first and now it's the remake turn. Makes me wonder if the order you watch a movie really effects your opinion on it. It seems to mine. Already I'm nit picking ''well that was rushed'', ''your character in the original wasn't a twat like you'', yada yada.

The biggest and most annoying change is the characters. The old man at the station is a douche who instead of warning them intentionally sends them too the hillbilly cannibals, the father and son in law are so dramatic and the younger mopes while the elder takes every chance he can get to poke at him.

-after getting stranded by a spike strip in the middle of the desert-
"Next year I'm going on vaca with my friends!"
"We won't have any more of these family trips you know."
OH THE IRONY.

OMG SHUT UUUUUUUP. The son in law doesn't take a gun because he's a liberal or something stupid. ...In the original it was because he wanted to make sure the rest of the family staying behind had a weapon in case something happened. Oh, no, this was a MUUUUCH better route.

And I thought the blood effects in the original were bad. That has nothing on poor Beauty's demise in the remake. I have more realistic looking stuffed animals.

The canyon of abandoned cars was a nice touch. Excellent actually. I got fucking chills when he finds a baby's car seat because you know what happened to that infant..

Backstory through newspaper clippings is lazy and stupid.

The cannibals bother me... In the original only two of them were a little abnormal... but all of them are deformed in one way or another in this. Yeah that's just what America needs. More influences to be judgmental. "See someone with a cleft pallet? They're probably going to kill you." In the original they didn't have deformities. They were monsters without having to look the part. That kind of message has a greater impact and means something. Wait, sorry, this is horror. Those rules go out the door right?

The deaths in this certainly are more bloody. They take away every fucking moment. Remember that touching scene where son-in-law finds his dead wife and he begs her not to go and cries over her body? Nope. They blew her brains out in this and used her for a jump scare so they could use bitchface son in law for more drama.

I remember at least the ending was better in the remake. It'ssss... about matched maybe? The movie moves so fast up til this point. Just. Explain this, explain that, do this quick so we can get to that. When the boy told them Beauty was gone he just blurted it out. That's the whole movie. Just blurted out.

The end though we slow down and move with son in law. We get to experience tension and let the scares build up a little. And we also see son in law become a big boy. Suddenly a badass covered in blood and sweat and no glasses. The best part of the movie when he got the blood lust flowin'. Makes me wonder how he raised his daughter after this.

Now let's see how the kids are doing.
Running from a cannibal with no gun while you actually have one... I see a flaw in this plan, do you? Who are these random ass cannibals anyway? Please tell me that wasn't Papa Jupe. And again no suspense with that fight scene...

Completely sucks about Ruby. Saw it coming though. "Monsters" seldom live happily ever after. Even if they saved your baby.


Beast doesn't deserve these people.

I'll do a proper review soon I'm sure. Complete with terrible screencaps.

[Roiffalo]

Greetings, kids. It's been a while. You all can thank Repo for this mess.


House on Haunted Hill (1999)

Before they even get to the house, two things cross my mind:
- Vincent Price's character is named Price. omg
- This amusement park needs to be a real thing.

Pritchett is annoying the piss out of me. His dedication to get the hell out instead of staying to collect the money is admirable, but he doesn't set up why he wants to leave so bad, instead he pisses and moans like a ten year old, and waits to warn them AFTER it's too late.

The Prices' are decent in this, they are much more obviously menacing towards each other, the wife not denying she's an adulterer. It's a modern take I s'pose, taking away the subtle 'hate your guts' play that the original had. Instead of killing his wife with a champagne cork, we get wife holds gun at husbands head. Instead of humor, we get suspense that's predictable and therefore not all that suspenseful because of course she's not going to pull the fucking trigger.

The house is great and I am an Asylum fangirl over its history. "Dr. Vannacutt liked to zap his patients in multiples of 18. More energy efficient." Nice. The house is left about the way it was when a fire killed all the patients during a riot in the 30s. A room full of weird mummy corpse looking displays somehow made it through the blaze and welcomes them on their little tour of the house.

A vat of blood tries to drown Eddie (ex-pro bball player) and Sara (something about an actor but she's not an actor idk or care). Melissa (cameraman or something) disappears in a trail of blood after seeing an operation of sorts through her camera screen only. And with that it takes away all the element that the original had. There is no question IF the house is haunted, the house IS in fact haunted. Instead of a marriage gone haywire that causes a chain of events happening that have both the audience and the characters question their sanity on if the house is haunted or not, we know practically going in that it's haunted. This isn't House on Haunted Hill anymore. It's a cliche slasher film.

So they hear an electric buzzing and find Mrs. Price getting her brains fried like an egg. They conclude she's dead (well duh), and the hubby goes on a gun happy rampage in his grief and Eddie has to beat some sense back into him. My questions are thus, why does he care if she's dead when he was always acting like he would have no problems with killing her himself? And why am I still watching this?

The Doctor is left to watch Price when they stuff him in a vault, and he then pulls a lever after hearing him demand to be let out, and walks away. Price then proceeds to have a bad acid trip inside the fault.

We find out where Doc ran off to and turns out he has something going on with the wife and SURPRISE. She's not dead. But now he is. Eddie and Sara still stuck with Pritchett wonder why Doctor Blackburn hasn't come back yet. The scene went something like this:

Eddie and Sara: Where's Blackburn?

Pritchett: He's dead.

Eddie and Sara: Blackburn!!

Pritchett: He's dead.

Dumb and Dumber: hE is not Shuddap, Pritchett!

*they open a door and his headless body falls out of the room*

Eddie and Sara: OMG HE'S DEAD!!!1!1ONE!

Mrs. Price tricks Sara into killing Mr. Price but Mr. Price was wearing a bullet proof vest and tries to kill Mrs. Price. He throws her through a wall and an ink blot eats her before trying to get him as well, but gets Pritchett instead.

They run, have an epiphany that Pritchett told them in scene one that the house is alive, and the building starts to crumble and shake around them. Price hits things in the lab, accidentally finds a way out, says something witty, and they all run for the exit.

Price saves Sara because she's a fucking moron and doesn't know how to use her legs and he dies. She still doesn't move so Eddie saves her and misses the door and it closes, but Pritchett's ghost opens it and saves his ass.

They then sit on the sill outside the building and watch the sun rise. SOMEHOW the check for 5m is found outside on the sill with them, and they question how to get down. Well if Eddie has any fucking brains, he'd push the stupid bitch off for getting so many people fucking killed!!! Her problem solved!

My opinion on this remake? ...Take it away Scream 4!

https://31.media.tumblr.com/59ec5498934fa9ba4928d3fbf6de374d/tumblr_inline_n1thitKhcl1ro3nx1.gif

Best part of the movie was the end credits. And I'm not just saying that because it's over but because I enjoy Marilyn Manson's cover for Sweet Dreams.

[Repo'd]

I think I liked it a wee bit more than you did. ::big grin::

[Roiffalo]

What the hell. As posted in "Last Seen Contemporary":

-

An American Ghost Story

Omg I'm dying. I might have to make this one a review because the first, the FIRST thing that starts to act weird, drives the wife to act like a lunatic.

Chairs move and cabinets open in AAGS:
http://orig04.deviantart.net/ab63/f/2016/018/3/1/untitled_by_kigerwolfrd-d9oha8x.png

Chairs move and cabinets open in Poltergeist:
http://orig07.deviantart.net/73ef/f/2016/018/e/f/untitled2_by_kigerwolfrd-d9ohb4q.png
(Rephrased for comedic effect, but you get the idea. Diane Freeling handled her situation like a boss. This woman in this movie is a bag of cats and will not be missed.)

If these people can't get past cabinets trying to fly and an AOL mail notification, then they're screwed.

Rest of the movie is the writer guy being an idiot. Who lives in a haunted house KNOWING what happened in it and how many lives were ruined because of the spirits inside? Apparently this moron! To sum up this movie, if you're afraid of bed sheet ghosts, then this movie will traumatize you.

ONE scene in Beetlejuice summarizes why this movie does NOT work and was likely made my high school kids:

https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTV6SJuqt9SLxeMP2wv98EszAhGgoPwe vZ7CjNHflXoHepk2pjX2Q


Jeezus, one more movie like this and I start an old reliable marathon of classic slashers and monsters.

[Repo'd]

" A bag of cats" LMFAO!!!

[Roiffalo]

I'll take that as a successful review despite being so short. ::smile::

[Morningriser]

This thread has been so hilarious!

[Repo'd]

I'll take that as a successful review despite being so short. ::smile::

I consider it a RAVE review! Hilarious.

[Roiffalo]

I'm glad you guys enjoy ::embarrassment::

[Roiffalo]

Dark Moon Rising (2009)

Movie starts with two guys getting mauled. NO IDEA by what.

I have little hopes for this movie going in when I see the credits are given to us in Papyrus (although giving the movie credit at least it wasn't Comic Sans). And our fist scene takes place in a par with some dirty old pervert talking about Viagra like it's the biggest thing since fucking sliced bread.

Drifter comes into town, asks for job, gets job. It was very blunt. His new job is at a garage where a girl talks to him and he's a complete dick. Passing her on her way home as she's walking and it's like someone flipped a switch in this jacknut's brain and he's suddenly charming. My guess is the switch is in his pants as he's trying to pass off a cactus for an apology flower. So much sex appeal is getting thrown at us I'm surprised it took exactly 15minutes into the movie for someone to fall on a dick.

Speaking of sex, the movie gets ADD and a couple are making out in a truck when three guys pull the male out and start beating the piss out of him. ...NO IDEA WHY. I suddenly care less when the guy gets up again and starts beating them. I mean yeah it's random and I'm confused but hey people at least are getting mutilated. That's fun.

We're not given a whole lot of time to get to know characters. I swear every other scene one will pop back up that you recognize but the drive-by scenes that aren't even 5 minutes long are really making it hard to focus on anything.

When we do see the girl again from earlier she's an idiot taking a ride from a stranger. Because they don't teach stranger danger in the desert apparently. But luckily her shop buddy sees it and comes to her dumbass rescue. And even that didn't last long! It's like the script is a short story some kid wrote for their English class, you know the ones that you have to include a number of words you're currently learning into it.

And then a montage of the chick with her new boy toy having whimsical moments get stuck in random scene with two cops, then it ends with him accidentally scratching her but not really, then they're at a swimming hole. I should've saved all those ADD meds I tossed as a dumbass kid and saved them for this movie cause it really FUCKING NEEDS IT.

Then cut to old couple parking and the roof of their vehicle getting attacked by a Lon Chaney stand in, girl doing nothing, then guy trying to kill a wolf attacking his animals. Wolf gets away but the best part of this is the guys frustration at him getting away. To call it acting would be generous.

Our drifter wakes up shirtless and covered in blood, and what a shock! He's the werewolf. As he's screaming in frustration in the most terrible way one can act, the scene does cut aways within cut aways to the same fucking scene... WHY. It's not even a second later, it's just distracting and annoying and unnecessary.

Cop checks out the farm, dead animals blah blah blah, back to the Twilight story. The guy's being PMSy and tells the girl that he's the wolf who's been doing the killing, but of course she still loves him. After the only quality time they had together was a shit montage and their dick introduction, she loves him. I guess to prove it she wants to be with him when he turns that night, standing by him and just talking about his family and how this curse is possible, and the moon comes up. He starts screaming in pain as the "change" starts, and she actually asks him if he's okay... IF THEY'RE SCREAMING IN PAIN I DON'T THINK THEY'RE OKAY YOU FUCKING MORON!

Oh and the "change" was painfully dull, hence the constantly used quotations. I've seen better transformations in Animorphs.

She tries to run, fails because again, she's an idiot. Falls and passes out, and he doesn't even touch her. Instead he kind of just pets her face... I don't... Wolf jumps on a box, howls, and runs away. Chick wakes up and takes his car to drive off, and the movie kind of goes to a dream sequence that confuses you to think if the scene before even happened.

Next day the two see a gypsy who's unaware a dreadlock wig fell on her head. She tells him he hasn't tasted human blood and in order to keep his soul he needs to kill his father who not only has tasted human blood but relishes the curse.

We see the girls dad and the cop talk a lot about either his daughter hanging out with the shady drifter, or the deaths and what could be responsible. After another not-full-moon and the kid on the lose in his wolf state, the village people are getting restless and starting a riot. The sheriff and her lackey break up the fight and decide on cuddling in the moonlight. He leaves to take a leak when he glimpses one of the wolves. Then that went nowhere.

Scene cuts to half naked daughter in her room with one of the wolves watching her. ...That also goes NOWHERE.

Next day or night I guess... Daddy wolf decides he could go for sex and a bite and two hookers are dead by the next day. At least that was an amusing scene.

Ugh over protective daddy goes to wolfboy to threaten (I'm sorry, he calls it a ''warning'' not a ''threat'') him to stay away from his daughter. In the almost most over the top way to do it. The kid was as calm as can be but daddy was apparently looking too far into that, pulling the kid to his face with that shirt grip.

I forgot to mention like ten minutes into the movie one of the drive-by scenes was some random old guy probably drunk and putting a gun to his head. That scene went nowhere of course but we do see him again, when he comes in towards the end of the movie to warn the cop and her pet about a family with blood on their hands that he had been following. He knew of the dad and while he's talking there's this God awful newspaper background green screened behind him, and I have no idea if I heard him right because I'm trying to read the titles on the papers because how can I not, it's just that distracting and the green screen effect was just so bad how can you not stare.

We then flashback to the older gent (who we find out is a cop too) interrogating wolfdaddy which leads to the cop's wife getting murdered.

Wolfdad finds wolfboy and his girlfriend in a bar and they sit and talk for a little family reunion. As I'm watching I can't help but think Wolfdad is the only actor who actually gives a shit ...Lord only knows why! No one else does! But he's fucking nuts and the only enjoyable character in the movie. Just. Bless him.

The people in this town are fucking dicks. 3 guys for no reason at all try to get wolfboy out of his car and start a fight. The girlfriend comes to the rescue only to need to be rescued so of course wolfboy beats the piss out of them. Chick runs home and daddy sees she has a blackeye, assumes of course that her boyfriend did it. She of course doesn't correct him and runs off, causing her dad to look for her, and he and the boyfriend pass on the road and stop for a chat. They have a bit of a fight and then somehow become better aquainted to the point he can take wolfboy the the sheriff and they realize that Jr was killing animals, while Sr was doing the murders.

Wolfdad calls the group and tells them it's time for a showdown and to encourage them he has the girl. The four meet up along with the town idiot come to meet him, and the two wolves get hairy. While big bad is distracted dad lets his girl free, and wolfdick kills the out of town cop then throws the sheriff off balance where she somehow gets a messed up leg, but bitch can still shoot, nice to see she's not useless.

But of course she misses him completely and goes for the girl where the local yocal actually holds PapaWolf at bay so she can run. Why yes of course he dies.

Father and son have an affectionately violent fight while the bitch watches. Completely unharmed she manages to be useless, while the sheriff who's cut up manages to hobble all the way over to them to shoot down Papa Werewolf. Jr ends him and it's over. Unfortunately that means the fight not the movie.

This stupid fucking bitch... I can't even. This is Twilight. Somehow less painful, but still twilight. After being useless and WATCHING HIM ALMOST DIE, she has the NERVE to tell him she loved him and make out. NO. NO YOU DO NOT GET TO DO THAT. I honestly do not give a flying fuck when the movie ends with him walking off (shirtless of COURSE) into the sunset and leaving her, her dad, and the whole damn town behind.

This wasn't even so bad it's funny IT WAS JUST AWFUL.

[Repo'd]

LMMFAO!! There seems to be so much " going nowhere " in this movie, I'm surprised it meandered it's way to an ending!!

Holy crap, I loved this review. It sounds like a the movie is a dreadful waste of time. Me thinks the most entertaining thing about the flick is your post, Roi!

[Roiffalo]

LMMFAO!! There seems to be so much " going nowhere " in this movie, I'm surprised it meandered it's way to an ending!!

Holy crap, I loved this review. It sounds like a the movie is a dreadful waste of time. Me thinks the most entertaining thing about the flick is your post, Roi!

Here's hoping I can do it again ^^;

-

The Diabolical

SPOILERS GALORE!!

A family of three (mom, brother, sister) are haunted by a skinless ghost that they believe to the their dead dad. The classmates in this movie are the kids age (sister a younger 5) and hardly look older than ten, but they talk like my adult coworkers. Mostly in way of the swearing and it bothers me with just... who writes a script like this for kids?!

Oh and mom's stupid as fuck. She knows just as well as the kids do how fucked up haunted their house is with this skinless specter terrorizing them, and she basically tells them to suck it up and they are staying in the house. It finally takes half an hour of movie and the thing to hurt the kids for her to finally call for help and try and get the kids out of the house, but that doesn't last long.

She calls a doctor and tries to figure out why the kids suddenly fall ill then once in the house are better again. ...Doesn't seem to connect this to the ghost at all even though she's seen it and knows it torments the kids.

Mom's boyfriend finds out and they debate how to solve it, discussing the signs of when it appears and disappears, what it can do, etc.

There's some history with the brother having some anger issues and a counselor stops by once in a while, but we're not filled in on why or what happened or how the father died until about the movie is half over. And then we only know the boy and his father hand a fight and his father left and never came back. I'm guessing car accident but I still don't understand why the kid's treated like a criminal...

The councilor comes back and the brother explains he was only looking out for his sister and a private talk between her and the mother reveals the boy beat another kid unconscious within the past 6 months. BUT WHY?! Explain movie! EXPLAIN!

The little family, boyfriend included, are having a game night when it's interrupted but no-longer-skinless. He's more tangible now, mom breaks a chair off him, so naturally they hide upstairs behind a closed door. From a ghost. Behind a door. After mom CLEARLY mentioned that the thing was able to go through walls earlier in the movie. I don't fucking know but somehow it works anyway when they slam the door on its fingers.

A company has given the mom an offer on the house and throughout the movie has been pressing the issue more and more. She pushes it aside repeatedly until she goes over images of the ghost again and sees a number and symbol on its clothes that are the same as before mentioned company's. Looking into the company further she discovers that her boyfriend was previously involved with the company working on some horrible project.

Prisoner "volunteers" were experimented on and he claims he tried to stop their attempts. The things they were working on have something to do with teleportation and time travel. I am now completely lost. I think I got thrown into another movie. From what I understand chances are that in their attempts to be teleported, their bodies were mutilated horribly, so the mother naturally decides to fuck them up further with makeshift weapons of knives and saw blades.

The kids are put away in a different room, but don't worry there's a closed door to protect them. Just in time for the prisoner from the future to pop in again and just as THAT happens the guy wanting to buy their house is back and the prisoner attacks him. I don't... I have no idea what he did. The guy's fingers are somehow melted together and there's black goo spilling from his mouth. Whatever he's dead now.

Mom and her bf get the guy trapped and beat it up til it goes unconscious when cops show up. Their role in this was pointless, both are killed by the inmate in like 5 minutes. As it approaches the terrified family it looks around strangely. It's not til the boy gets cut and a glow appears on the inmate's face to give it a matching scratch that we find out it's actually the boy from the future.

He attacks mom and the boyfriend shoots him, both fall and end up teleported back to the future I guess. Mom fixes things and gets fixed and ends up back in the past this was a weird movie... It had some good ideas but I don't think they were expressed properly. It could've been better. A lot better.

[The Bloofer Lady]

This has actually piqued my interest!

[Roiffalo]

Don't do it, Bloofer! XD

[Giganticface]

Hilarious, as always. I share your frustration with this film. Lots of head scratchers, and not the good kind.

[Repo'd]

Hahaha! Oh Roi, keep em coming! I almost hope you NEVER live-review a movie that's actually good. Your thoughts on the shitty ones are just too fun.

[The Bloofer Lady]

Don't do it, Bloofer! XD

I can't help it...I have bad taste!!

[Roiffalo]

Hilarious, as always. I share your frustration with this film. Lots of head scratchers, and not the good kind.

Hahaha! Oh Roi, keep em coming! I almost hope you NEVER live-review a movie that's actually good. Your thoughts on the shitty ones are just too fun.

Thanks guys! Your comments mean a lot. ::embarrassment::

Don't worry, Rep, thankfully my taste in movies is about as good as Bloofer's is. ::big grin::

I can't help it...I have bad taste!!

At least you admit it. ::big grin:: ::smile::

[Roiffalo]

This thing almost didn't a review, but then I started to see a very ANNOYING pattern. Can you guess what it is?

-

Neverlake


::SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SO MUCH SPOILERS! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED TO STOP HERE!::

I don't think this movie asked itself enough questions. It starts off with a girl going to stay with her dad, and on the drive home the girl screams because they almost hit a little boy. The dad never sees him and neither question wtf just happened.

Dad's obsessed with some lake and the girl has a lot of dreams about it, and wastes no time to go visit it. There she meets a blind girl who takes her to meet some other strange and ill children. One of which was the boy they almost hit the day she arrived to town, but she never asks who he is ow if he's okay or just "Hey it was nice running into you the other day. Almost LITERALLY."

The girl visits the kids frequently, only to read to them. We don't see if she ever talks to them about anything else, or ask about their connection with the lake, which they make obvious when they take her to visit it after she stays late one night.

Her father has her take pills and she asks no questions, even when her health seems fine without them. They're obsessed with her eating habits and always want her to have breakfast. Doesn't inquire about that either. She even ends up in the hospital and getting an operation but she doesn't ask for much detail on that either! WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS IDIOT.

ANYWAY. The kids tell the girl after a visit to the lake and summoning its spirits that they need help to go to rest, by taking the idols her father keeps in his study, and throwing them back in the lake. Which she actually does, AGAIN NOT ASKING WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH ALL THIS.

When she stole the idols she sees a TV on in the back of the room and playing cartoons. She actually wonders about this so after her father leaves the house again, she investigates only to discover she has what looks like a lobotomized sister.

Her dad walks in on them, and asks where the idols are. SURPRISINGLY the girl asks where the fuck has this child been her whole life, and finds that the sister is four years older than her and very sick, the only child he was able to conceive with the woman who is NOT our main character's mother but the real love of his life. They've worked very hard to keep her alive, operating on her themselves. It's then that the numbskull puts together that the little trip to the hospital was actually her loving daddy harvesting her organs to save his eldest child.

...Why the hell did her grandmother not cut ties completely from this madman. We're told that she didn't like him, that means she had to have known what he did to her daughter. ...If she was even the daughters mother I don't think that was made clear. I'm going to assume so because why else would she not like him. But anyway instead of making sure she never returns to him she's sent to the hospital after taking ill, and she goes back to live with him.

She runs, and her father chases her saying how much like her mother she was. It's poorly explained but I GUESS her mother was raped to create this girl so that her body could be used to save the sister. She couldn't outrun a parked car, as she just curls up twitching so that her deranged father could sedate her and finish what he started.

One of the kids she had been visiting comes to her aid, telling her to retrieve the 6 bronze idols that her father had made and thrown into the lake and then he just vanishes but somehow she's free.

She runs for the lake and her father follows. He... somehow ends up on the OPPOSITE side of the lake from her as she's taking the idols out of the water. She gets a few out, one of the children encouraging her on while her sister meanwhile is relapsing, foaming at the mouth and wounds appear out of nowhere.

For some reason the girl takes the idols to shore herself and counts them instead of just counting them and throwing them as she goes but whatever. Her father follows but the kid summons a lake medusa and she drags deranged daddy to the bottom of the lake and he's dead, his oldest daughter soon follows and the police show up at their house.

The girl takes her father's idols back to the kids and they each reveal that the idols represent something that her father took from them so he could keep his daughter alive. Eyes, legs, heart, to name a few. The oldest child, Peter, who was also the kid to help her through all this, gives her the key to where her father had them all locked up until he harvested what he needed from them. She finds one victim still there. Her mother. Who tells her the children where all her siblings.


Despite all the angry rambling it actually was a decent movie and had a very satisfying ending. I just can't believe how clueless this girl was through out it! It's obvious early on that there's something not right about the kids she meets, yet she doesn't ask questions. Her father acts very suspicious but she doesn't try to find out why. Her fucking health even was at risk and she never does anything to help herself! You almost don't care if she lives or dies just because of how unrealistically uncaring she is about everything. The only time we see her show ANY kind of concern is when her daddy breaks promises to do things with her time and time again. Priorities maybe?! HELLO!

Another thing is why does he keep all the kids locked up but didn't keep and lock up the main character? Why did she get to exist and have somewhat of a life outside all this insanity while her siblings were bred like expendable cattle and held until he needed them? A lot of things just don't make sense and it takes away from the story.

I think the moral of our story is: "Don't be afraid to ask questions. It might save you from a organ harvesting madman who might also your breeding crazy daddy."

[Roiffalo]

Uncaged

I think Baron brought this to my attention last year...? Anyway Netflix got it, so I checked it out.

It wasn't the worst werewolf movie I've seen... But at the same time it could have been better. I really REALLY want to say it was good. It had decent characters, but sadly all the best ones were rarely on screen. Decent story. But my God that family! I can understand leaving your child with another family if you killed your significant other and may be on the run from the law and are afraid you'll accidentally kill it during your next round of carnivorous lunar activities, but at least have the DECENCY to come back to the kid when you know he's going to suffer the same fucking way you did when you could help him!

He also has an uncle who suffers the same fate (btw why wasn't the kid brought to him to be raised with his parent?!), and invites the kid up when he knows he's going to go through werewolf puberty too. That's all well in good... UNTIL HE LEAVES. WHY. WOULD. YOU. LEAVE. He even had a cage and shackles he could of well fucking shared, and he just takes it all and leaves! Like... "fuck you kid, I'm looking after my own ass, see you when the moon's no longer a bitch".

As it was his nephew had to figure shit out on his own, his mom only helping him on the first night but while he was asleep and he didn't even know she was there... I don't know why she didn't just walk up to him during the day and explain shit. Granted he wouldn't have believed her and she probably would have had to do the same thing that night with drugging him and taking him away, but she records the change and after seeing that I'm sure he would have came around!

The pacing just sucked. They needed so many full moons to tell this story and I don't think that was necessary. They didn't even focus on a full moon for long! Soon as he changed we went back to him trying to figure shit out the next morning! I realize this is pacing and build up, which is all well and good. They did something similar (but of course done WAY better) in American Werewolf in London. But here's the big difference. The build up to that was to reveal a horrifying climax with this masterpiece of a monster they created to show as the werewolf. This... This was a shaved Chewy. I mean if you're going to build up to something, give us more than a half-assed Jack Pierce knock off! Actually, no, that would be a compliment. It wasn't even that well detailed. The cover art is the werewolf equivalent of a cock tease.

There was also a lot of new werewolf myths that were thrown at us that they didn't even bother to explain and made the ending really vague. It's going to get a little spoilery here now but at the final battle scene, the kid is stressing to his psycho friend that silver bullets won't work unless he uses them before he turns. This wasn't mentioned before. And when he IS shot with them, it of course cuts to the next morning with the victim alive but he's either dead or unconscious. We don't know if he lived from what he said or if he was full of shit and actually kicked the hypothetical bucket... THAT WAS ANNOYING.

I would rate thissss... 2 out of 5 full moons. http://www.werewolf-movies.com/silvermoon.pnghttp://www.werewolf-movies.com/silvermoon.png

[Roiffalo]

Posting this here too cause why the hell not. Haven't been inspired to make a better review to post.

-

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark

I thought this was a SciFi crap classic, but it's from Asylum. That was unexpected. Doesn't make it that much better of a film though, the CGI is just as shitty as SciFi's. Characters are better with a love interest already established between a married couple. I loved that. Got all the googly eyed teen love nonsense out of the way.

The movie wastes no time in getting to the point. That being a Megaladon was released from some ancient ice that melted, so they made a large robot shark to combat it. All within the first ten minutes! No build up what so ever. Any feeling they try to get out of the audience they throw out in random exposition with, 'my brother/son/friend/second cousin twice removed on my uncle's side was killed by this thing'. Not even a flashback to show it. Just a partial sentence spewed out.

That aside the Mecha Shark is actually pretty awesome. It's like JARVIS and Jaws had a love child, and it's great to watch in action, even making a superhero move by intercepting the mega shark from attacking a plane. The thing is run by a AI and yet it needs a human pilot. Thankfully the AI (called Nero), has to point out it can pilot it alone after the driver is almost killed halfway through the movie, and is given permission to do so.

A couple of ships are lost at this point, without even a scratch on the shark. Which makes me wonder WHY WEREN'T ALL THE SHIPS CALLED BACK WHEN WAY BEFORE THIS POINT PEOPLE WERE ALREADY DYING FROM THIS FUCKER. The people in this are more stupid than the mayor from Jaws.

The two sharks get in a fight and somehow the mecha gets launched out of the water and ends up in the middle of fucking Sydney. The thing got over ridden by a 'kill all' system, which fucking sucks cause Nero was almost a better character than half the characters. Mecha goes on a rampage after acquiring tank feet by going amphibian mode, and they have to get it back in the water in hopes the two monsters will take each other out.

I'm not going to ramble about the rest cause honestly, it wasn't that bad. It was bad but in comparison to SciFi films it's a classic. If you asked me for a movie recommendation, I would probably recommend something good and not this. But if you asked me if this was okay to watch, I'd say ''if you like SciFi channel movies, but don't like a lot of stupid, sure''.

[Roiffalo]

Dark Moon Rising (2015)

Not even two minutes in and I'm already regretting my decision to continue on with this. Werewolves with superpowers? The fuck? Like turning into a giant monster isn't enough?! The wolves are so sad. The design looked good, but Jesus H Christ that CGI was some of the worst I've ever seen. Course it doesn't help they probably spent all their fucking CGI budget on the Godamn opening credits!! And they also read the title for us. It's like they expect an audience so stupid to even read to be able to watch this. This is all before the opening credits are over! No build up, terrible characters, bad filming...

I probably should have taken these comments as a sign:

http://orig09.deviantart.net/0dd4/f/2016/098/2/9/sage_advise_by_kigerwolfrd-d9y503e.png

Oh ho ho ho buckle up, kids, this is going to be a fun ride.

These people... did they just pull them in off the streets?! None of them can act. Not even trying. There's an emo boy in here who's so quiet he practically whispers his lines. When he's around you can sometimes hear what people are thinking, so maybe that's his power??? He doesn't show any emotion to it at all so I can't tell or give a shit, and then we're hearing inside HIS head! Whyyyyyy. It's distracting and unnecessary!

The dialogue in this is like the stitching of random movies together. Nothing these people say makes SENSE, it's like we should already be in the know but at the same time it treats us like we're illiterate children. It's not just the way they talk but also just the way they move that's unnatural. It's like a bad bad BAD Twilight fan-fiction. Emo kid is only the tip of the iceberg, but I'll get to that. There are a few interesting parts where it looks like he has werewolf senses developing, hearing and seeing things, but of course he also has things developing that don't make fucking sense of course. Like coughing up water in the middle of english class. Or seeing people's skeletons like he's Superman developing x-ray vision.

He freaks out and a girl follows him to warn him and idk i'm only paying half attention now. At least she takes us to her place where we meet her dad. Who has all the talent in the movie, but that's not saying a lot. At least his bad dialogue can be passed off on the alcohol. He has a random Nam flashback that has red eyed wolves in it... The consistency of the wolf forms in this is STAGGERING.

They only vaguely stress some kind warning of bad shit to come, and take him out back to witness a random naked guy in mid-transformation, and they try to get him to shoot him before he finishes the shift (weird kink but whatever). The kid can't do it, so the girl does. It wasn't even doing anything. It was just standing there... Just a plan wolf. Just standing there. I guess it offended them somehow.

Next scene is the random pack randomly killing. These guys are the terrible biped CGI with superpowers because why the fuck not. One in particular has goggles, wolverine hair, and talks like Batman.

Random chick from earlier shows up again and takes Emo Kid away, and she tells him to think of somewhere he wants to be then there's a stampede of CGI deer and then they're on rocks surrounded by fairies and my God I think I might be having a bad acid trip. Me or the movie, one of us just HAS TO.

She tells him he doesn't have to follow her she can take care of herself but he says that she can't when the red moon arrives and when did he get THAT information?! Instead of showing us your delusions movie, how about you start explaining shit! We're only just over the half way mark!

Oh well fuck that BACK TO THE BATMAN PACK. They're at a party and the leader somehow influences them to kill each other? I don't know I don't see anyone even throwing a punch, it all just looks like Godawful dancing, but yet there's blood flying everywhere.

AND BACK TO EMO KID and his imaginary friend who might not be imaginary but a changing werewolf? They run into the dad and he threatens to shoot her, and she says one of the people she could kill is his daughter, so instead of doing the logical thing at this point and KILLING HER, he lowers the weapon and instead... I don't know what this is... teaching her how to meditate? Next minute there's a CGI butterfly and I'm in a L'Oreal commercial. JESUS someone kill this movie!

One of the pack members, a wall-eyed Asian girl, pays dad a visit and they talk about some deal they have and how he won't comply, so the wall-eyed leader comes out of nowhere and has his hench...wolf... use some Jedi bullshit on him that looks like a CSI clip where she's delving into his mind to get the information they want. They find out about the girl and emo boy, then kill him.

And THEN we're in the acid dream again of rocks and fairies. You think I'm making this shit up but no, there's fairies and terrible photoshop brushes smudging up the screen all while they share their FEELINGS. I think at this point he even confesses to being a fairy and she says she's not even real and at this point... I'd rather be watching TWILIGHT. FUCKING. TWILIGHT. That movie is absolute shit too but at least I can follow the story! This... this is just painful!

She tells him to just go back to a normal life and forget about her, and I'm MORE than happy to do so with this movie. I guess they go through some emo contemplation cause the next scene consists of five second scenes of reading poetry at the bottom of trees and sitting on a bridge head down and wearing a hoodie, then just cutting to a carnival. Emo kid is there with a friend we only see for a two minute conversation at the very beginning. And honestly, I'm more concerned about his friend's personal battle of riding some twirly thing without throwing up then what happens next.

Emo kid goes one way with the blond chick who's dad was killed, she fights a wolf that walks out of a bon...fire... whatever. And Emo kid's girlfriend is put in a room with emo kid's friend, and he's talking to her like he knows here when this is the first we even see them on screen together! Emo kid gets there first and releases him and he runs, and it's batman wolf versus these two, and a we're hit by a shit storm of stupid.

Now at this point... the END of the movie instead of the fucking BEGINNING, they put little captions up of these pack fuckers names. Like I'm going to care or remember NOW?! Batman goes CGI and in one hit takes down the werewolf chick, and goes after emo kid. He's able to repeatedly take boxes over the head and still stand, even yell stop, and the fucker stops... What a TERRIBLE VILLAIN. This kid does a weird job of doing better than the wolfchick. He was at some point poisoned, but there's never a contact point seen. No bite or anything. The next forever is spent with Batman monologue. At this point if I were the kid I'd just want to fucking die already.

Bitchchick comes back, and Batman claims he can't see her weak points, to which SHE explains is because she has none as she's the apex something bullshit. If this was so what the HELL wasn't she fighting instead of her boyfriend?! Emo kid did WAY more than she did, if I didn't know better I'd say HE was the one who was supposed to be the werewolf and not her.

Back to the blond chick and the firepit bitch. Apparently she failed. That's all. She said she failed and RIGHT back to emo kid and he's ok. SO MUCH so he's the flash in the next 1.8 second scene. No fucking sense what so ever but WHO CARES! The credits roll and the torment is finally over!

How... Just HOW did this movie get enough funding to even get a fucking DVD release?! I'd much rather be watching a Big Wolf on Campus marathon but no, THIS deserves the money for DVD availability!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FjWe31S_0g&nohtml5=False

[The Bloofer Lady]

So I'm thinking you liked it...😉. May try check it out.

[Roiffalo]

So I'm thinking you liked it...😉. May try check it out.

Bloofer, no ::big grin::

[The Bloofer Lady]

You know, you seem to be a very talented young lady...good on ya'.

[Roiffalo]

Thank you ::embarrassment::
It's just rambling rants though, nothing really talented about it. ::stick out tongue::