Daylife13
11-20-2012, 04:53 PM
I would love feedback on a short story screenplay i have written.
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0BzZHB1Yn_tgfRWhEekRFZndmcU0
neverending
11-20-2012, 07:12 PM
Overall I'd give it a C. The plot is told economically, though there's nothing original about it. It progresses logically.
You have a facility for natural sounding dialogue, though your characters say things they wouldn't or shouldn't say. "Well, I guess I'll do some laundry now." Lines like this are unneccesary. There's nobody else in the room, so all he's doing is announcing this to the audience, which is not needed. Just show us.
Rabbit mask- everyone is just going to think of Donnie Darko. If it was me, I'd change it.
There are a good dozen typos, misspellings, punctuaton mistakes and other errors on EVERY SINGLE PAGE. And before you say "this is just an early draft," don't. Even if it is, show us your best effort. Go through and proofread it. Like it or not, people judge writing, and you, by how well you use the language. In this draft you show about a fifth or sixth grade ability.
How long do you intend this to be? What you have right now is about a half hour short.
I think you you have a good start, and have some talent as a writer. Keep at it.