_____V_____
02-26-2010, 10:38 PM
So I was surfing through witty one-liners sites and came across some by Dave Barry.
He called them "Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn" -
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
Found some other good ones...
He who laughs last still doesn't get the joke.
The early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Theory and practice are the same in theory but different in practice.
Nonsense is better than no sense at all.
If at first you don't succeed, try again then give up, there's no point being stupid about it.
A fact of life - After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.
Morals are how you act when you think no one else is watching.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.
Constipation is the thief of time, Diarrhea waits for no man.
Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day. But set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will be drunk all day on a boat with his friends.
Man who stand with hands in pockets feel cocky all day.
Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Pain is nature's way of reminding you who's in charge.
Common sense is not that common.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Budgets help you worry before you spend money, as well as, afterward.
A boss is like a diaper. Always on your ass and usually full of shit.
The light at the end of the tunnel may just be a train coming.
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Only the strong survive but that does not apply to odor.
In every organization there will be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. So is monogamy.
Some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Blessed are the ones who have nothing to say and can not be persuaded to say it.
Share some of yours.
He called them "Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn" -
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
Found some other good ones...
He who laughs last still doesn't get the joke.
The early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Theory and practice are the same in theory but different in practice.
Nonsense is better than no sense at all.
If at first you don't succeed, try again then give up, there's no point being stupid about it.
A fact of life - After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.
Morals are how you act when you think no one else is watching.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.
Constipation is the thief of time, Diarrhea waits for no man.
Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day. But set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will be drunk all day on a boat with his friends.
Man who stand with hands in pockets feel cocky all day.
Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Pain is nature's way of reminding you who's in charge.
Common sense is not that common.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Budgets help you worry before you spend money, as well as, afterward.
A boss is like a diaper. Always on your ass and usually full of shit.
The light at the end of the tunnel may just be a train coming.
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Only the strong survive but that does not apply to odor.
In every organization there will be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. So is monogamy.
Some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Blessed are the ones who have nothing to say and can not be persuaded to say it.
Share some of yours.