Help with a Logline - Part 2

[bwind22]

Last year I asked for help on a logline and got a ton of great advice that helped my feature script advance past the logline stage of the contest all the way to the finals.

I am in the same contest again and would appreciate input again if anyone's willing to help me out...



The Criminal Element

A guilt-ridden parolee looking to get back on the right track discovers that civilian life can be more complicated than life behind bars when he meets his new neighbors; a bookie in over his head with the mafia, a sociopathic landlord, a crackwhore and her innocent daughter.


Any input will be greatly appreciated. I'd also like feedback on the title, which I feel could be better. Thanks in advance for any help I get.

[bwind22]

anyone, anyone, bueller, anyone?

[bwind22]

Okay, I rewrote the logline and switched the title... I would really appreciate any input anyone has.

Crimes Like These
A guilt-ridden parolee discovers how complicated civilian life can be when he meets his new neighbors; a sociopathic landlord, a bookie with bad debt, and a prostitute with a good-hearted daughter that will ultimately help him find redemption.

[Straker]

Can't really offer any constructive criticism other than to say that I think the second draft is better. I might switch the last phrase if it were me though. Instead of 'that will ultimatley help him find redemption' I'd word it 'who ultimatley helps him find redemption'. I'm not an English graduate though so you can take that with a pinch of salt. It's probably not all that relevant and your wording might be better/ gramatically correct anyway.

Good luck with the contest. Would like to see a taster of the script some time.

[bwind22]

Thanks Straker. I like your wording better.

Crimes Like These
A guilt-ridden parolee discovers how complicated civilian life can be when he meets his new neighbors; a sociopathic landlord, a bookie with bad debt, and a prostitute with a good-hearted daughter who ultimatley helps him find redemption.

Any thoughts on title? I'm not crazy about either of them really... The Criminal Element or Crimes Like These?

[Straker]

I prefer Crimes Like These. Feels like it ties in with the logline better but there's nothing wrong with either title.

[wufongtan.]

Yeah "crimes like these" Is a much better title. ( i often think coming up with the title would be about the hardest part of writing a script or novel. That and stopping my a.d.d from making me jump/skip all over the place) You don't really say what sort of movie it is. Is it a slasher type horror. Or a horror with supernatural themes.
Or is it a crime movie. Like usual suspects or reservoir dogs? Please don't say its movie full of deep soul searching and redemption type movie.

[bwind22]

It's not a horror film at all, nor is it a soul searching drama. Think violent, gritty crime story along the lines of Pulp Fiction or Way of the Gun.

I like "Crimes Like These" but do you think it sounds like bungling burglars comedy more than a gritty violent crime film?

I hate coming up with titles. Along with writing loglines, it is the hardest part of screenwriting for me.

[Straker]

It's not a horror film at all, nor is it a soul searching drama. Think violent, gritty crime story along the lines of Pulp Fiction or Way of the Gun.

I like "Crimes Like These" but do you think it sounds like bungling burglars comedy more than a gritty violent crime film?

I hate coming up with titles. Along with writing loglines, it is the hardest part of screenwriting for me.

I think if you look hard enough at most film titles out there they all drift into a bit of a cliche. I guess there might be a light-hearted feel to the title now you've mentioned it, but its just as easy a case of over analysis. Problem is it's going to form an important part of the hook.

Can't really offer much input, not really the creative type I'm afraid. I'd say possibly look at the concept from a different angles for inspiration, maybe. Thinking along more abstract lines you could name it after the halfway house the parolee ends up in when he gets out, or his prison/ parol number, that sort of thing. Or maybe focus on the actual emotionally midset of life outside prison e.g something along the lines of: Inside Out or somehting in that style. Like I say, I'm not the creative type, but maybe looking at it from a few different angles might help.

[The_Return]

I like "Crimes Like These" but do you think it sounds like bungling burglars comedy more than a gritty violent crime film?

Yeah, I was just about to mention that...not a bad title (if a bit cliché), but it sounds way too goofy for the kind of story you're trying to tell. Personally, I quite liked The Criminal Element, but maybe that's just me.

[wufongtan.]

Return does have a point. But I think its a title that can go both ways. Look at usual suspects. Looking at that title you wouldn;t have took it for one of the best crime/gansta/ heist movies of all time. A title like crimes like these leaves the reader/viewer more open minded as what could happen.

[Elvis_Christ]

The Criminal Element is the better of the two IMO. Like The_Return said it Crimes Like These sounds "goofy" and sounds like it'd be more of a comedy.

[bwind22]

I am really appreciating this input so thanks to everyone that has offered advice thus far.

I spent most of my workday trying to think of titles.... Here's my shortlist as of now. Please continue to weigh in...

The Criminal Element
Crimes Like These
The Guilty
The Valley of Hell
In the Valley of Hell

Thoughts? Opinions?

[The_Return]

Still liking The Criminal Element myself...not as derivative as some of the others, fits the tone of your description and almost adds class to it in a way.

Crimes Like These still sounds like a b-grade caper flick.

The Guilty would be my choice for runner up...a bit generic maybe, but it fits what you've got.

Not crazy at all about Valley of Hell. Not sure why, but it just sounds corny to me (applies to both variations, though the second is slightly better IMO).

Just my opinion though - not based on much besides personal preference.

[cheebacheeba]

Guilty: Shades of the criminal element in the valley of the blind.
Heh.
All honesty I don't much like any of the names.

[bwind22]

I'm not thrilled with any of them either. I hate coming up with titles...