Forgiving but maybe not Forgetting

[monalisa]

I've been thinking a lot about this and was wondering how others deal with this. I am generally a very forgiving person, sometimes to a fault. I don't necessarily forget though. Not to the point of all out holding a grudge, but just being aware. I am usually willing to give a person another chance, but I will be wary of them, and sometimes even that goes away with time.

Some people have so badly betrayed me, I just have chosen to not have them in my life at all so they don't get another chance to hurt me. This happened here, and I don't want to bring up old bad feelings, but others have, so I will, but in a more gentle way. I hestitate to even mention the name, but if I beat around the bush the new people will just get curious and this will turn into a big "who is she talking about" thing. Trippin' fooled me and betrayed me so badly, I can't even describe the pain I went through cuz of that guy. For the new people, PM me and I can tell you who and how awful this person is, I'd rather you do that than clutter this thread up with all that bullshit.

Anyway, I was totally wrong about him and I sincerely apologize for any wrong-doing on my part while I was still caught up in his web of deceit. He not only fooled me and betrayed me and totally fucked up my life at the time, he is still fucking up my life in some ways today.

So....my point of this whole thread is:

How to other people deal with the whole "forgive and forget" philosophy? This is not meant as a place to beat each other up with rude comments, although humor is welcome. I am always interested in hearing other people's thoughts and how they deal with things in life. Hope you are too.

[La Chat Noire]

I don't know if it's ever really possible to forget...the best you can do is try and not let the your past with the person affect the present. If you say you've forgiven them you can't bring it up again later during another fight. Supposedly forgiveness means wiping the slate clean and each following incident becomes isolated. I'm personally not so good with this. When's someone wrongs me, it stays in the back of my mind. My question is, if you can't forget can you truly offer forgiveness?

[Painfulldeath]

I would say it depends on the severity of the action and the type of relationship you have with the wrongdoer. For me, I try to forgive as much as I possibly can. Holding a grudge (in my case) does take way too much energy and really isn't healthy. On the other hand, there are things that I consider are unforgivable. If someone crosses that line, then I cut them out. Plain and simple.

[Vodstok]

I had moved past much of thebullshit i dealt with from my family growing up; an abusive sister, uninvolved parents (I was 17 before my dad tried to have "the talk" with me.... I had my first sex ed class in 4th grade. Way to stay on top of things there pops...), but it all came flooding back when my family couldnt be bothered to go even a little bit out of their way to see my daughter.


And then my mom had the audacity to tell me that my niece would always be treated better, even than her own sister, because she was "unexpected". Basically, my entire family acted like they didnt know my sister was pregnant.

What the fuck? I didnt think she was "just getting fat". I didnt say anythign because up until she gave birth, they pretended she wasnt. How the hell could everyone NOT tell she was pregnant?!

Anyway, I hold a huge grudge against them like a badge. i have no intention of ever forgiving or forgetting. My life is easier and way happier without them.

[monalisa]

You both have really good points. Edit: Sorry Vod, hadn't read your post yet, reading it now.

I think forgiveness is the start of the healing process. It means giving a person another chance, but we don't have to be blind about it. Maybe that's not true forgiveness, but it's probably as close as humans can get. IMO

I don't hold grudges because, I agree, it's a waste of energy that could be used for something better. Like killing the people that have wronged you (JUST KIDDING!!!) But seriously, I'd rather use my energy for something positive, cuz frankly, the negative shit just wears me down.

[Phalanx]

i have no intention of ever forgiving or forgetting. My life is easier and way happier without them.
This is the decision that usually ends a cycle.
I don't really bother "forgiving", and I don't really think "forgetting" is even a possibility in most cases..
Carry on with your life and don't waste too much time dwelling.

[monalisa]

I had moved past much of thebullshit i dealt with from my family growing up; an abusive sister, uninvolved parents (I was 17 before my dad tried to have "the talk" with me.... I had my first sex ed class in 4th grade. Way to stay on top of things there pops...), but it all came flooding back when my family couldnt be bothered to go even a little bit out of their way to see my daughter.


And then my mom had the audacity to tell me that my niece would always be treated better, even than her own sister, because she was "unexpected". Basically, my entire family acted like they didnt know my sister was pregnant.

What the fuck? I didnt think she was "just getting fat". I didnt say anythign because up until she gave birth, they pretended she wasnt. How the hell could everyone NOT tell she was pregnant?!

Anyway, I hold a huge grudge against them like a badge. i have no intention of ever forgiving or forgetting. My life is easier and way happier without them.

Unfortunately, I've been through an emense amount of crap from my sister, and I have very limited contact with her. That's a part of what I meant when I said "Some people have so badly betrayed me, I just have chosen to not have them in my life at all so they don't get another chance to hurt me. " I don't necessarily consider that a grudge, but more self-preservation.

[monalisa]

...
Carry on with your life and don't waste too much time dwelling.

Man, if I could just remember that! :)

[Nella]

I'm terrible about holding grudges, especially against my parents, brothers, and sisters-in-law. I'm working on that. I've given them so many chances because they are my family. It's when something new happens that I remember ALL the things each of them have said and done to me. That's the way my family is. It's dysfunctional. Everyone blames me for this or that even though it's not always or even often my fault. I take too much blame that I shouldn't have to. The guilt I feel makes me sick, literally, and sometimes I feel enraged. My SIL suggested that we all go to therapy as a family but my parents won't do it. She's also the newest member of our family.

The day my dad buried my puppy, my mom provoked a fight which made me feel even more pain. The next day, she came to my house and started sweeping my kitchen floor even though I kept asking her not to. She made comments about it that hurt me.

I still call them because I love them and wouldn't want anything to happen to either of us with hard feelings. I have eight good friends. Over half of them have said that they are f***ed up. I've had professionals, i.e. doctors who've told me the same thing. I'm supposed to avoid toxic people. I have no choice with my parents because they do so much for me and my son. There's a lot of jealousy of me and my son running in the family because my parents do help us. My dad's putting my son through college because my ex abandoned him and I can't afford to do it. So you see, I'm trapped in a lot of ways. My family has ruined my life, or the fact that I'm sensitive about the way they feel about me has done the damage. The result is the same. I have no one else in my life but them. Friends can only do and say what they can.

As for other people, I never forget a person who's said things to me that I wouldn't say to them. I do try to get along with them and forgive them.

Grudges can cripple me. It's happened over the last year and a half, especially. My physical and emotional health have declined due to family cruelty and neglect. The sticks and stones thing isn't really true. Words hurt far worse than being beaten, in my opinion.

With that said, I'm still working on going on with my life. I have a strong will or I might be dead by now. That's no exaggeration. Having faith in a higher power helps a lot.

[pinkfloyd45769]

You can never really forget and it takes a big person to forgive.I have learned that its easier to forgive than to hold a grudge.It would be nice to forget things,i just don't think we woiuld learn those hard lessons in life if it was that easy!

[Nella]

You can never really forget and it takes a big person to forgive.I have learned that its easier to forgive than to hold a grudge.It would be nice to forget things,i just don't think we woiuld learn those hard lessons in life if it was that easy!

That's a great way to think and live. I commend you. :)

[monalisa]

I'm terrible about holding grudges, especially against my parents, brothers, and sisters-in-law. I'm working on that. I've given them so many chances because they are my family. It's when something new happens that I remember ALL the things each of them have said and done to me. That's the way my family is. It's dysfunctional. Everyone blames me for this or that even though it's not always or even often my fault. I take too much blame that I shouldn't have to. The guilt I feel makes me sick, literally, and sometimes I feel enraged. My SIL suggested that we all go to therapy as a family but my parents won't do it. She's also the newest member of our family.

The day my dad buried my puppy, my mom provoked a fight which made me feel even more pain. The next day, she came to my house and started sweeping my kitchen floor even though I kept asking her not to. She made comments about it that hurt me.

I still call them because I love them and wouldn't want anything to happen to either of us with hard feelings. I have eight good friends. Over half of them have said that they are f***ed up. I've had professionals, i.e. doctors who've told me the same thing. I'm supposed to avoid toxic people. I have no choice with my parents because they do so much for me and my son. There's a lot of jealousy of me and my son running in the family because my parents do help us. My dad's putting my son through college because my ex abandoned him and I can't afford to do it. So you see, I'm trapped in a lot of ways. My family has ruined my life, or the fact that I'm sensitive about the way they feel about me has done the damage. The result is the same. I have no one else in my life but them. Friends can only do and say what they can.

As for other people, I never forget a person who's said things to me that I wouldn't say to them. I do try to get along with them and forgive them.

Grudges can cripple me. It's happened over the last year and a half, especially. My physical and emotional health have declined due to family cruelty and neglect. The sticks and stones thing isn't really true. Words hurt far worse than being beaten, in my opinion.

With that said, I'm still working on going on with my life. I have a strong will or I might be dead by now. That's no exaggeration. Having faith in a higher power helps a lot.

Wow, that is a lot to deal with! If it's possible, try to remember what they are like and when they say something hurtful, consider the source. Easier said than done, but it may help. Try to just roll your eyes, think "oh that's just 'insert approriate family member here' being themselves, they suck but I love them anyway", and let it go. There's a lot that my parents, especially my dad, said and did that hurt and later in life just plain annoyed me. But I bit it all down and tried to help as much as I could when they got old, and now that they are both gone, I'm glad I did. I know it's really hard when you are a sensitive person, I am one too, but sometimes you just have to put on that Teflon coating if it's a situation that you can't, or choose not to, avoid.

Hope that helps in some way! :)

BTW, I'm terribly un-hip, what's a SIL?

[monalisa]

You can never really forget and it takes a big person to forgive.I have learned that its easier to forgive than to hold a grudge.It would be nice to forget things,i just don't think we woiuld learn those hard lessons in life if it was that easy!

Well said Pinky!

[Nella]

Wow, that is a lot to deal with! If it's possible, try to remember what they are like and when they say something hurtful, consider the source. Easier said than done, but it may help. Try to just roll your eyes, think "oh that's just 'insert approriate family member here' being themselves, they suck but I love them anyway", and let it go. There's a lot that my parents, especially my dad, said and did that hurt and later in life just plain annoyed me. But I bit it all down and tried to help as much as I could when they got old, and now that they are both gone, I'm glad I did. I know it's really hard when you are a sensitive person, I am one too, but sometimes you just have to put on that Teflon coating if it's a situation that you can't, or choose not to, avoid.

Hope that helps in some way! :)

BTW, I'm terribly un-hip, what's a SIL?

Thanks, Monalisa. You're a great person. SIL=sister-in-law.

[Phalanx]

I have learned that its easier to forgive than to hold a grudge.
I get that, but I think the two don't neccessarily have to go hand in hand.
Forgiveness depends on the act - a true person of good heart and character will not intentionally (IMO) do anything that would hurt others, therefore more than likely all you'd ever have to forgive them for were honest mistakes, miscommunication...etc...the kind of people that I wouldn't "forgive" are those that have committed acts that have made me doubt everything about their good character - the kind of person I try not to be like, and therefore don't need around me.
However, removing oneself from the damaging factor or no longer mixing with the people in question is, to me, just a logical step - it's not about holding a grudge, it's about not allowing events to give me reason to.

[Vodstok]

I am holding a grudge against my family because
a. It doesnt require any real effort on my part
b. It is a form of punishment for them. I am actively aggressive in the very rare instances that they enter my life. They have wanted me and my family back in their life because they do, no real reason given, and they dont want to own up to what they did, they are completely unrepentant and think thay have done nothing wrong and we should get over it.


So I hold on to that little bit of hate, because it keeps me strong against being hurt by them again. Plus, it feels soooo good to say "Fuck 'em".

[bloodrayne]

I am holding a grudge against my family because
a. It doesnt require any real effort on my part
b. It is a form of punishment for them. I am actively aggressive in the very rare instances that they enter my life. They have wanted me and my family back in their life because they do, no real reason given, and they dont want to own up to what they did, they are completely unrepentant and think thay have done nothing wrong and we should get over it.


So I hold on to that little bit of hate, because it keeps me strong against being hurt by them again. Plus, it feels soooo good to say "Fuck 'em".

I'm with you 100%

The fastest, easiest way to solve a problem is to eliminate it.

Simplify your life

[novakru]

You kids really missed out growing up in the 80's and early 90's.
We did massive amounts of drugs and alcohol, so now, we don't have those pesky memories to forget in the first place.

.....many, many brain cells....poof

[Nella]

You kids really missed out growing up in the 80's and early 90's.
We did massive amounts of drugs and alcohol, so now, we don't have those pesky memories to forget in the first place.

.....many, many brain cells....poof

I was born in '68 but I didn't drink for the first time until I was 16 (1984) and I didn't smoke weed for the first time until I was 19 (1987). I drank a lot throughout my adult life but I've rarely smoked weed or done any other drug. I take a prescription drug that causes CRS but that's short term memory loss. I can't forget the past and mine is an ongoing problem that I can't eliminate. I posted why earlier in this thread. I do avoid my sisters-in-law. They piss me off just by flapping their jaws. It's a mutual thing, too. ;)

[Zero]

i have an easy solution - i move! i've lived in seven different cities since leaving school. sometimes its just itchy feet - but normally its some relational nonsense - so i just drift on and do (literally) forget them.

[Nella]

i have an easy solution - i move! i've lived in seven different cities since leaving school. sometimes its just itchy feet - but normally its some relational nonsense - so i just drift on and do (literally) forget them.

I can't afford to do that and I'm not interested in getting married right now. :p

I've lived in different cities but my family has a long reach...

[Festered]

You kids really missed out growing up in the 80's and early 90's.
We did massive amounts of drugs and alcohol, so now, we don't have those pesky memories to forget in the first place.

.....many, many brain cells....poof


Boy, aint that the truth......who are you again?

This is how I forgive and forget-

http://i278.photobucket.com/albums/kk111/serenacce/vietnam.jpg

[Roderick Usher]

Forgiveness is tricky. Forgetting is foolish.

I've enver understood a grudge. I've never held one against anyone and hope I never do.

There are people who have harmed me, be it physically, emotionally or financially and I have struggled with forgiveness with each of them. I'll never forget what has been done, because that would leave me open to be hurt in the same manner by the same person... fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

But the grudge never comes into play. If a person has marned me I either forgive them or I don't. If I forgive, then everything's cool. If I don't forgive, I simply ignore the person, never giving them an in to cause harm again. Or I kill them with kindness, it really drives people batty to show them thier actions have no effect on your life.

But for the most part I forgive. People are essentially selfish and stupid, so I understand their motivations for most things. I really only feel injured when I see someone's motivation for causing harm as pure pettiness.

[Nella]

Sometimes I wonder if people deliberately hurt someone because they feel inadequate themselves...In that case, I feel sympathy for them. Even if I'm not trying to hurt someone, I feel guilty when I find out I have. Apologies aren't always accepted but at least I try. It's hard for me not to hold a grudge when a person continues on as if nothing's ever happened. Cruel remarks and actions aren't ok in my book. If the person that offends me tries to make ammends, I can get over it. Even if he or she stops with the wicked behavior, I can tolerate it. I'm not that unreasonable. :)

[Leprucky Cougar]

I'm a forgiver.....I'm a softie for the heart. I try not to let those whom have hurt me though as a sign for weakness though..though I'm not sure I've lived long enough to experience life when times became really drastic and sorrowful. But should the time arrive, I think I would be the same way. I do have patience like a rock and my tolerance level is really high. It takes a lot for me to be pissed or irate.

[Nella]

I'm a forgiver.....I'm a softie for the heart. I try not to let those whom have hurt me though as a sign for weakness though..though I'm not sure I've lived long enough to experience life when times became really drastic and sorrowful. But should the time arrive, I think I would be the same way. I do have patience like a rock and my tolerance level is really high. It takes a lot for me to be pissed or irate.

That's good for you and your health, too. You're a better person than I am. I'm about ready to fight but I'll refrain............

[monalisa]

i have an easy solution - i move! i've lived in seven different cities since leaving school. sometimes its just itchy feet - but normally its some relational nonsense - so i just drift on and do (literally) forget them.

Seriously, you just up and move, like a lot? :eek: I have too ask, how far away do you move? Seven different cities, but how far apart?

Zero, you never cease to amaze and amuse me. :p

[VampiricClown]

Well, I shall start off by saying, I have been wronged more times than I can count on my fingers, toes, and any other body parts I have many of. :D

Honestly, I hold a lot of grudges. I don't forgive anyone, I don't forget what people have done to me. Maybe that's a bad thing....Mainly because I try to find some way, to ruin them, in a comparable manner to what they did to me. Most I have succeeded. Others I ahve failed. Though I have realized one thing...If someone screws you over, why associate with them, and expect them not to do it again?

People don't change. I don't care who says they have, or what they've done to fix themselves. Somewhere inside their brain, they are still the same person. It may not show itself to the naked eye, but it will eventually surface.

[Dante'sInferno]

I forgive,depending on what the person did.If they did something horrible it would take me a hell of alot longer to forgive.But,that was how I use to feel.Because,if you hold a grudge chances are your just hurting yourself.Chances are they probably forgot about it and if they didn't why hurt yourself?They are the ones living with what they did to you.Like I said why let it,destroy you,making you into a detached,un-emotional,shell of yourself?That's what I learned.That's why I forgive.Because chances are you did nothing wrong,they were the ones who did it,so they should have to deal with it.Not you.Besides,like I said earlier,you shouldn't let it consume you and destroy you.Because then you would go into a Downward Spiral.


Now onto the forgetting,I don't forget because,you need to learn from these things,and try to avoid it next time,so it doesn't happen to you again.



Sorry,I hope I made sense.

[missmacabre]

I ususally forgive people in a second. The only exceptions are if someone insults my little brother, or if they attempt to make a fool of me in public. I can't deal with humiliation.

My boyfriend says I forgive too quickly though. I forgive people right off the bat, while he says that people need to make an attempt to fix things before they deserve to be forgiven. I just don't need the added stress of holding a grudge so I drop it right away. I guess that's a little more me being a push over than being the forgiving type.

Forgetting is just about the same. It's virtually instant. I want things to be in the past so I can move on while I still hold a chance of being that persons friend.

[Leprucky Cougar]

I forgive,depending on what the person did.If they did something horrible it would take me a hell of alot longer to forgive.But,that was how I use to feel.Because,if you hold a grudge chances are your just hurting yourself.Chances are they probably forgot about it and if they didn't why hurt yourself?They are the ones living with what they did to you.Like I said why let it,destroy you,making you into a detached,un-emotional,shell of yourself?That's what I learned.That's why I forgive.Because chances are you did nothing wrong,they were the ones who did it,so they should have to deal with it.Not you.Besides,like I said earlier,you shouldn't let it consume you and destroy you.Because then you would go into a Downward Spiral.


Now onto the forgetting,I don't forget because,you need to learn from these things,and try to avoid it next time,so it doesn't happen to you again.




Sorry,I hope I made sense.


You did. I agree. Holding grudges makes one slowly grow bitter--and if they don't realize it or if someone doesn't help them realize and get out of it--like u said they end up in that downward spiral; unfortunately some people grow extremely bitter and stubborn, refuse the help and wind up in a place far worse then that downward spiral. Everyone has a right to their own healing pace though. Some are faster than others.

[jenna26]

I tend to forgive pretty easily, too easily I guess. I have a really hard time cutting someone out of my life if I see the least little bit of good in them. Forgetting, that's different, like Dante said, you need to learn from your experiences, if you forget, you are leaving yourself open to the exact same thing again and again.

Of course, not cutting someone out of your life can leave you open to that as well. Its happened to me more often then I want to admit. There has to point when sure, you can forgive, but you also have to let go.

There's only one person I haven't been able to forgive that has done me wrong, and I never will be able to. Its not something that is really.....forgivable. Hate doesn't come easy to me, and its destructive, so I have tried to let it go. And I have been able to to a certain extent, I live my life and I try to live it right. So I am not holding a grudge really, I have moved on the best I can and realized it is never going to be made right. Sometimes that's all you can do.

[Zero]

Seriously, you just up and move, like a lot? :eek: I have too ask, how far away do you move? Seven different cities, but how far apart?

Zero, you never cease to amaze and amuse me. :p

texas to missouri to pennsylvania (back to missouri though a different part of the state) london to new york then another part of new york. and really the only place i left without really just wanting to get away from the annoying person/people was london (where i was forced to leave when my visa ran out).

[hacelikewhoa]

I forgive and pretend to forget

[Leprucky Cougar]

texas to missouri to pennsylvania (back to missouri though a different part of the state) london to new york then another part of new york. and really the only place i left without really just wanting to get away from the annoying person/people was london (where i was forced to leave when my visa ran out).

What's your favorite city out of all of them?

[Zero]

What's your favorite city out of all of them?

London - without hesitation my favorite city. i used to walk around the thames on a sunday morning. grab coffee and sit outside the film center where they sold used books - it was glorious. but then my visa ran out and my friends at the home office did not see fit to grant me another extension. so back i went.

[Leprucky Cougar]

London - without hesitation my favorite city. i used to walk around the thames on a sunday morning. grab coffee and sit outside the film center where they sold used books - it was glorious. but then my visa ran out and my friends at the home office did not see fit to grant me another extension. so back i went.

Have you thought about getting another one? So you can go back later.

[monalisa]

London - without hesitation my favorite city. i used to walk around the thames on a sunday morning. grab coffee and sit outside the film center where they sold used books - it was glorious. but then my visa ran out and my friends at the home office did not see fit to grant me another extension. so back i went.

London sounds wonderful! Good thing you didn't hook up with anyone irritating there! ;) :D