working moms vs stay at home moms

[pinkfloyd45769]

As a working mother i envy those of you who get to stay at home and raise your children.I know that it is a tough job and the stress level is through the roof.I recently read an article written by a stay at home mom who was really against working moms and i thought i would bring this up for your opinions.I think what bothers me is the fact that most moms who stay at home with their children think working moms are selfish and are bad mothers.They also assume that we have no idea how hard it is for them.I know its hard,even though i work i still have plenty of time with my children to know that its not easy.I know that when i get home from work i'm tired,stressed,and really would love to call it a day.That never happens!I have to deal with all the mommy stuff on top of it.I would really like to hear your thoughts on this.

[urgeok2]

before anyone jumps down my throat - this is based on personal experience :

i had a best friend who's wife decided to stay at home for a few years after their kid was born. she almost went nuts and crashed the whole marriage. she was starved for interraction and it drastically changed her entire personality. just before all hell broke loose she went back to a job, made a new circle of friends and their relationship went back to being perfect.

i know this isnt the same for everyone ... but it was pretty scary.

i also see a gaggle of stay at home moms when i'm dropping my kid at schoiol.

a ring of gossiping sexless blobs in this petty mean little clique.
their kid could be slashing another kids throat 5 feet away and they wouldnt see it because they are too busy talking dirt about whatever mom isnt there.

there are a couple of exceptions to this but the ratio is about 8 to 1

unless you live in a place that offers ..and are the type of person to take advantage of programs you and your child can participate in outside of the home - i think the isolation is damaging... there is a retardation of growth from lack of exposure. people tend to say they are busy but become TV and phone gossip addicts (not all - but several)

it depends on what you are motivated to do i guess.

It's great to spend all that quality time with your kid/s but i think adults need to be around other adults too.

[pinkfloyd45769]

I understand completely!I know stay at home moms who are really in envy because i get to go out in the world.I love being with my kids and appreciate all the time with them that i have.I also know that i'm one of the moms that the other ones are talking dirt about.They seem to believe that the babysitter is the one raising the kids,pisses me off really.

[pinkfloyd45769]

I would also like to add that my kids come first.I call several times a day to check on them and if they need me i'll go.My kids,the older two anyway,like that i work.I think it gives my daughters the chance to learn first hand that you can have a career and a family.

[urgeok2]

well, the guy i knew - that example - being at home with their kids almost destroyed the marriage - which would have been horrible for the kids.

clearest case i ever saw.

it's not an anti kid thing - i just dont think you can spend all your time day in and day out with just 1 person, be it your kid, partner, or best friend.


with a kid - especially really young ones - the verbal interraction is all one way .. or they are sleeping a lot....

if you dont need to be around people - great - lucky you - but anyone else will start to get cabin fever.

[Phalanx]

Do what your life allows for, and don't think that the "traditional" way is the only way...it's not as though you can't be a good parent one way or another.

[La Chat Noire]

I think it's really ignorant of any stay at home mom to judge a working mother as a lesser parent. Especially considering many working mothers don't even have the financial option of choosing to stay home. And the ones who do have the option and still choose to go work clearly want to be fulfilled in other ways outside of being a mother, and that should be ok.

[Roderick Usher]

I can pick out a kid raised by a nanny instead of an at-home parent easily. The ones without a full-time stay-at-home parent are the behavior cases... the ones who act out, talk back and have poor manners.

I am a stay at home dad and the wife and I agreed that no matter how it hurt us financially (and it has hurt us financially), one of us would always stay home with the kids so they had a disciplinarian and solid authority figure around them full-time. It is a hard job, but it is the MOST important job there is. When people comment about how well mannered my children are I alsways wonder "why aren't yours?" And usually it's becasue both parents work and no one is raising the children.

Belief systems, personal philosophies, religious choices... these come from parents. No one else has the legal right to impose these things on a child and as a result they know not to try. Only a parent can raise a child properly.

I know this isn't financially feasable for all people, but a kid raised by a nanny or an after-school system is a kid who has an impotent authority figure in front of them.

It isn't just moms, the dads need to take responsibility.

Kids need parents. Rationalize your descisions however you must, but the rationalization only helps you. The kids need something a little more concrete.

[urgeok2]

I can pick out a kid raised by a nanny instead of an at-home parent easily. The ones without a full-time stay-at-home parent are the behavior cases... the ones who act out, talk back and have poor manners.
.

thats hasnt been my experience at all. thank god - because a very few percentage of kids have stay at home parents - and only a few percentage of kids act as you describe (i'm not saying they are the same kids)

you're making an assumption that all parents are effective - they arent. the rude kids i see are in most part the kids who have clueless parents - stay home or not. parents who dont carry through with their disciplinarian threats ... etc ... parents who find it easier to give in to a kid rather than go through the pain and stress of actually teaching a kid how to behave and why.

bad kids = bad parents ... (with the exception of kids who are simply born wired wrong)


i agree that far too many dads dont show enough interest in their kids ...
leave it for 'the wife'
especially the ones caught up in the corporate ladder climbing


one thing i really noticed is that kids who were home with a parent - instead of at a daycare at an early age - have a harder time fitting in and socializing with other kids when they hit public school ... and there's a long period of seperation anxiety. thay are used to 1:1 attention - and it's quite the shock to the system when they never get it again. (for 8 hours a day)


here's the deal - there's a couple of different reasons why people stay at home with their kids :

1) the decide as Rod did that it's the best possible upbringing for their kids - they do it for the kids - they do things for the kids - they make it a meaningful experience for both of them

2) its more economical - one of the parents realizes that if their pay is lower - it becomes far to costly to continue working ...paying a daycar, the commute, etc .. it's cheaper to stay at home. (or .. the other spouses income is large enough that it just makes sense)

3) the person who stays at home is unskilled, has no desire to work in the 1st place - never has. some of these folks still make good parents - many dont for various unfortunate reasons.



there's another thing to take into consideration ... in my case - my wife and i had a house and 2 cars before having a child. we both have good jobs - make decent money ... you get in a lifestyle thats pretty hard to leave - for the sake of 4 years at home. i know it's all about sacrifices ... but the effects of suddenly cutting you income in half, moving into an apartment, losing your space in the job market (because depending on what you do in todays work environment - losing 4 years means your job could have left you far behind - completely unskilled to continue)

the combination of those things could mean the sacrifice is a hell of a lot deeper than just an economical one. some people have meaningful jobs ...

its about balance - and having the proper parenting skills/ instincts in the 1st place.

staying at home or not doesnt make you a good or bad parent or result in a good or bad kid. it depends on what kind of parent/s the kids have.

[ChronoGrl]

Forget about stay-at-home-mom. I just want to stay at home. :(


sigh

And back on topic, I have to agree with Urge here:



its about balance - and having the proper parenting skills/ instincts in the 1st place.

staying at home or not doesnt make you a good or bad parent or result in a good or bad kid. it depends on what kind of parent/s the kids have.

[pinkfloyd45769]

My kids have great manners and i disagree that they can only learn these things from parents.In my case my children actually learn/listen more from someone other than me.In my case my mother is no longer working so she is my babysitter,i guess thats the next best thing to mom.My kids seem to be good kids,all kids talk back from time to time no matter who raises them.Its great Rod that you are a stay at home dad,those are few and way too far between.

[Phalanx]

I'd find it a challenge to be a stay at home dad...one that I'd like to actually give a shot to...but in all honesty being involved in a relationship with the same chick for quite some time now it's safe to lean towards assuming that it won't be a single parent situation - essentially, we've talked about it - it's just going to be down to whoever makes the most cash to work through the majority, maybe even exchange every year or two, to give us both sides of the experience.

But yes...parenting (IMO) can be delivered successfully, single parent or not, working parent or not. Nobody can really make blanket statements about either side...it's about doing the best you can with what your life/situation allows...

[pinkfloyd45769]

I'm getting ready to go back to school to further my education as well as working semi full time.I know that its going to be a bigger challenge to do all of this while raising my kids and i accept that.This is the first time in my adult life that i feel in charge of MY life.I am wearing a pretty big hat in all of this and i have to admit its a little scary.I guess reading the article at this point in my life was like a slap in the face.Its a hard job either way you go and its a big decission the will change everyones life that is involved.I think no less of a mother or father that chooses to stay home,its really a great thing if you have that option.In my case,its work or let my parents support me and my children.I was really uncomftorable with that so i decided to be the sole bread winner for my family.If i had the kind of husband that worked and supported us i would not work and just finish the schooling that i want to take.However,thats not in my cards!

[ManchestrMorgue]

Personally, I think if you are in a position to do it, it is better for the child for a parent to be at home.

However, this can't be an absolute rule.

If the parent ends up resenting the decision so much that they ruin their relationship with the child, then this is obviously not going to be in the child's long-term best interest.

Likewise, if it would be so economically arduous that the family would have to go without essentials like proper healthcare, accommodation, food, etc; then this would obviously create its own problems.

Having said all this, if the decision is for the parent to work, then I would think that the child being minded by a grandparent (or similar) would be better than a child care centre. That is assuming that the grandparent is reasonable and responsible.

[pinkfloyd45769]

My kids are really close with my parents so it makes it really easy for all concerned.I'm working hard towards a better future for me and my children.If a stay at home mom wants to judge me for supporting my children and wanting to give them the best life imaginable then thats fine with me.

[novakru]

I have seen bad stay-at-home moms and bad working moms.
I have seen more great stay-at -home moms than either, and am proud to call them my friends.

There are some women that work that are excellent with all the juggling and I give them BIG KUDOS, I have no idea how they do it, it's alot of work.


I also have seen the stay at home moms that stand around and talk shit as urge mentioned. I actually see them 5 days a week after school and I truly pity them.


I think the majority of women do the best they can with what they have.