This Should Be Funny, But I'm Going To Need Some Help

[bloodrayne]

I'm sure that everyone has seen all of the Chuck Norris boast things, like "Chuck Norris is so bad that..."...whatever...

Anyway...I found a bunch of them (in that type of style) and I thought it would be funny (yeah, I know...Just humor me...OKAY?) to randomly put the names of our forum members into the 'boasts'...Cuz, personally, I think you guys are WAY more awesome than Chuck Norris (heh...how cheesy was THAT? :D)

If you have no freaking idea what the hell I'm talking about, that's okay because you can still help me out...When I'm finished, you'll see what I mean

So...

What I need is to TRY to get everyone's name who is here on a regular basis...I really don't want to leave anyone out, and since I'm not here as often as I used to be it's more difficult for me to determine who should be on the list...All I really need is names...And remember, all of the names will be added RANDOMLY to this thing I'm doing, and that should make it even funnier

I've got:

Hammerfan
Zwoti
V
Newb
Sam
Crabapple
Roderick Usher
Elvis
Vod
Despare
Bwind
IllDojo
Novakru
Dude Guadalupe (it's okay, he'll see it)
Doc Faustus
VampClown
Neverending
Flayed (even though I'm not sure he'll see it)
Geddy
MassacreMan
Posher
Dante
Kemal
Mothman
AmericanManiac
Disease
Ferret
Slasherman
DP McCoy
Angra
Return
Murderdoll
Scarecrow
Xtrava
Manchester
Alky
Kane Hodder
Dewaholic
Freak
HorrorObsessed
Jenna
Nikki
YourLastMistake
Hamburger
Gorephobia
Mordrid (wait a minute, where the hell has he been?...Did he leave?)
Zero (Fourth from the bottom...heh)
HorrorWench (but, she doesn't hang out in the General Forum much, so she may not see it...hmm)
Cheeba (he's in and out...Not sure if he'd wanna be included, or if he'd even see it)
Spal (She'll see it if Cheeba does :))



Who did I miss (who might actually see this thing)?

[newb]

How about Austin and urgeok......maybe if you include them they will return.

[bloodrayne]

Oh...It's in there...You didn't see it?...Hmm, you musta missed it somehow...




SHHHHHHH


Thanks...Are there anymore?

[AmericanManiac]

Everytime you masturbate, american maniac kicks a baby!

Can't wait till you get this done, i'm looking forward to it.

[Dante'sInferno]

Me too.Wait....is this metal sludge?OH!!!!CHOCOLATE MILK!

[neverending]

The STE? ........

[illdojo]

Sounds fun Rayne. I look forward to it. :cool:

[newb]

The STE? ........

Thats SAM

Many moons ago he was known as "Sam The Egg"........until the great BANNING WARS of 2005

[massacre man]

Thats SAM

Many moons ago he was known as "Sam The Egg"........until the great BANNING WARS of 2005

I was there, and survived, I'm a veteran.

You've listed Zwoti twice.

[Doc Faustus]

That's because they had to make a second zwoti to take him out in case he goes rogue.

[Thomasgeorge]

i will be in

[Freak]

This will be funny.There wil be some crazy stuff that comes up.

[ferretchucker]

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

do you mean things like that but with our names?

[jenna26]

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d15/raina2700/ChuckNorriscropcircles-1.jpg
Sounds like fun......:)

[illdojo]

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d15/raina2700/ChuckNorriscropcircles-1.jpg
Sounds like fun......:)

:D NICE!!! Jenna :D
Thanks for that, sweetheart. ;)

[XtRaVa]

Xtrava brings a knife to a gunfight...and wins. ;)

I like these :)

[XtRaVa]

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.



Ah...But you forget that if everyone in the show 24 did exactly what Jack Bauer tells them to do, it would be called 12. :cool:

I know thats longer than 12 minutes, but that would be a shit show ;)

[bloodrayne]

I'm sure that you guys have probably already seen most of these (maybe even all of them), but these are the ones that I could find (with the COMPLETELY terrible ones left out)...If you guys have more (that aren't excruciatingly awful) go ahead and post them

I ended up with two quotes for each forum member...After reading a lot of these, I realized that many of them are extremely lame....So, I apologize in advance :)

I made the list of quotes, then copy/pasted the forum member names into them in the order that I had them listed in the first post...The only quote that I had to give to a specific member was the one about the 2 'i's and for that I just went to the forum member's name who was next on the list that had 2 'i's in it...So, don't blame me because the one you got sucks :p...

By the way, Seri told me that they're actually SUPPOSED to be stupid, so...


Well...Here they are:

*OMG...Text is too long...These 'upgrades' just keep on sucking*

...in the next post :rolleyes:

[bloodrayne]

1) Hammerfan's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Hammerfan.

2) Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Zwoti can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

3) _V_ once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now called The Islands.

4) Some guys piss their name in the snow. Newb can piss his name into concrete.

5) Sam took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.

6) Crabapple counted to infinity - twice.

7) The last man who made eye contact with Roderick Usher was Ray Charles.

8) Elvis can speak braille.

9) Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Vod's sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

10) Gravity doesn't exist. Despare just forces everything to stay the fuck down.

11) Bwind was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

12) If you spell IllDojo wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean IllDojo?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

13) Novakru destroyed the periodic table, saying Novakru only recognizes the element of surprise.

14) If you rearrange the letters in Dude Guadalupe...He'll fucking break you.

15) Doc Faustus owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

16) VampClown scared the black out of Michael Jackson.

17) Neverending's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

18) Flayed once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

19) Geddy wears a cup, not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

20) On a high school math test, MassacreMan put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because MassacreMan solves all of his problems with Violence.

21) Posher and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

22) Dante can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

23) The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Kemal and forgot to pay him back.

24) When Mothman goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

25) There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in AmericanManiac. Fuck you, team.

26) Crop circles are Disease's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

27) Ferret does not sleep. He waits.

28) Slasherman beat a wall at tennis. A fucking WALL.

29) Whenever DP McCoy plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some pussy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

30) Angra died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

31) If you laid out all of Return's intestines end to end...He would kick your sorry ass.

32) Murderdoll invented black. In fact, she invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

33) On his birthday, Scarecrow randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

34) Xtrava was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

35) When ManchesterMorgue deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

36) Once a cobra bit Alkytrio's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

37) When Kane Hodder put on the One Ring, the Nazgul just said, "Fuck it." (I have NO freaking clue what the hell that means)

38) Dewaholic can delete the Recycling Bin.

39) The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to Freak."

40) HorrorObsessed can slam revolving doors.

41) Jenna doesn't read books. She stares them down until she gets the information she wants.

42) Nikki can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

43) YourlastMistake is the only one who can "try this at home."

44) Hamburger has never used a question mark in his entire life. He believes that the interrogative tense is a sign of weakness.

45) Gorephobia sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

46) Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Mordrid so he can scare the shit out of them.

47) When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Zero.

48) HorrorWench can believe it's not butter.

49) In August 2005, Cheeba, Spallala, and ThomasGeorge went shark fishing 845 miles east of Bermuda and 1,139 miles west of the Azores Islands. After finishing off 10 kegs of Milwaukees Best and 2 barbequed tiger sharks ThomasGeorge asked Spallala to pull his finger. At the exact moment that Spallala pulled ThomasGeorge's finger, Cheeba punched ThomasGeorge in the stomach "for fun". The resulting flatulence refered to by most as "Hurricane Katrina" has cost over $1.13 billion so far and almost destroyed New Orleans.


*STILL too long....LAME!*

[bloodrayne]

50) When Hammerfan gives you the finger, she's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

51) If it looks like chicken, smells like chicken, and tastes like chicken but Zwoti says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

52) Dairy Queen used to be Dairy King before _V_ made it his bitch.

53) Newb was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

54) Sam's orgasm leaves an exit wound.

55) Superman owns a pair of Crabapple pajamas.

56) Roderick Usher has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

57) Elvis doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

58) World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Vod ate Kobayashi.

59) Despare is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

60) If you can see Bwind, he can see you. If you can't see Bwind you may be only seconds away from death.

61) IllDojo does not go hunting because the word "hunting" implies the possibility of failure. IllDojo goes killing.

62) Novakru ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you."

63) There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Dude Guadalupe is going to walk.

64) If at first you don't succeed, you're not Doc Faustus.

65) There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures VampClown allows to live.

66) When Neverending does push-ups, he isn't pushing himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

67) Flayed once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

68) Geddy sleeps with a night light. Not because Geddy is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Geddy.

69) MassacreMan invented orphans.

70) Posher and Dante were disqualified and kicked off the show "Junk Yard Wars" for violating the saftey rules and building a fully functional M1A1 Abram Main battle tank, when all they needed to build was a steam-powered catapult.

71) Kemal died once. When he got to heaven he walked up to God, tapped him on the shoulder, and said "I think you're in my seat."

72) When Mothman goes to jail, he passes go and collects 200 dollars.

73) February 29th only occurs once every four years because AmericanManiac wills it to be so.

74) In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Disease could use to kill you, including the room itself.

75) The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Ferret punched himself in the face.

76) Slasherman does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

77) DP McCoy has beat the shit out of so many people that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

78) Angra lost his virginity before his dad did.

79) There’s an old saying: “He who has the Return makes the rules.” It’s one of those nonsensical old sayings, since it implies that someone can “have” Return.

80) Murderdoll always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

81) Scarecrow currently resides in a small village in Turkmenistan, where "Scarecrow" translates to "Santa Claus." In unrelated news, Children in Turkmenistan are scared shitless of Santa Claus.

82) If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Xtrava banging your sister.

83) Manchester Morgue doesn't have nightmares, nightmares have Manchester Morgue.

84) Alkytrio recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

85) Giraffes were created when Kane Hodder uppercutted a horse.

86) The quickest way to a man's heart is with Dewaholic's fist.

87) As a poor college student, Freak went to the local sperm bank to make some quick cash. He retired later that day.

88) HorrorObsessed can touch MC Hammer.

89) Jenna once kicked someone so hard that her foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean

90) When Nikki falls in water, Nikki doesn't get wet. Water gets Nikki.

91) The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1.YourLastMistake 2. Heart Disease 3. Cancer

92) Hamburger doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

93) Gorephobia is responsible for China's over-population. He went to Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

94) Mordrid can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

95) Zero gave Mona Lisa that smile.

96) If you spell HorrorWench in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

97) The Bible was originally titled "Cheeba and Friends".

98) The following is a list of things Spallala cannot do:


99) After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending ThomasGeorge. It was more "humane".

[newb]

I do like to party.....which leads to much pissing. [ beer...one in..one out ]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v259/rockinmule/peeing.gif

[bloodrayne]

I do like to party.....which leads to much pissing. [ beer...one in..one out ]
HaHa...Funny...I didn't actually expect them to 'fit':eek: :D

[Dante'sInferno]

That's great!

[neverending]

Funny stuff!

[_____V_____]

lmfao...all of em are great!

99) After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending ThomasGeorge. It was more "humane".

And ^^^ is pure classic!:D

[XtRaVa]

"82) If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Xtrava banging your sister." - LOL...Thats freaky because I actually play that song on guitar quite often :D

[Kane_Hodder]

85) Giraffes were created when Kane Hodder uppercutted a horse.


Good work, bloodrayne.
I like my 2nd one, and could not understand the first one.

[bloodrayne]

I like my 2nd one, and could not understand the first one.I think it might be a Lord Of The Rings reference, But, honestly, I don't know either

I was kinda hoping that someone here at the forum might understand it and explain it:o

[newb]

I think it might be a Lord Of The Rings reference, But, honestly, I don't know either

I was kinda hoping that someone here at the forum might understand it and explain it:o

a brief answer.....


Little is known of the original identities of the Nazgul. Three were said to be great lords of Numenorean origin. One was an Easterling named Khamul. He is the only one whose name is known.

At first the Men who received the Nine Rings used them to gain power and wealth for themselves. They became great kings, sorcerers, and warriors. The Nine Rings made the Men invisible and prolonged their lives.

But eventually, the Men bearing the Nine Rings fell completely under the control of Sauron. They could not disobey him and no longer had wills of their own. Some of the Men were quickly enslaved, while others who had greater native strength or goodness took longer.

The Nazgul were condemed to exist only in the Wraith-world. Their lives were stretched out until their very existence was torture. They were permanently invisible except when they wore black robes to give themselves a visible shape. Sauron and anyone who wore the One Ring could see them in their Wraith forms, as pale figures with burning eyes, grey hair, grey and white robes, and silver helms.

The Nazgul perceived the Unseen world, but much of what they saw were phantoms and delusions created by Sauron. They could not see well in the physical world of light, and in the noonday sun they could see nothing. They saw people as shadows. However they could see one another clearly even in daylight and from far away. In the darkness they were most dangerous because they could perceive things that ordinary people could not.

Their sense of smell was acute. They could smell the blood of living things, which they envied. They could also sense the One Ring, and they could see the person wearing it even though he was invisible to others. In turn the Ring sensed the Nazgul. Frodo Baggins was tempted to put on the Ring when the Nazgul were near so that the Ring could return to Sauron.

The Nazgul were able to speak to people using the Common Speech, though their voices sounded strange and unpleasant. They called to one another with piercing, blood-curdling cries. They could hear one another across great distances.

There was a sense of fear and dread around the Nazgul and the air around them felt cold. People could feel the presence of Nazgul without even seeing them. In fact, the feeling of fear was strongest when the Nazgul were invisible, without their black robes. The terror was also greatest in the darkness and when all nine of the Nazgul were together.

Terror was the main weapon of the Nazgul. Few people had the willpower to stand against them. The Nazgul exuded a miasma known as the Black Breath which caused illness and even death in those who were exposed to it.

Animals were also terrified of the Nazgul. The black horses that the Nazgul rode were trained to endure them. The horses were born in Mordor, but they may have been bred from stock stolen from Rohan. Later in the War of the Ring, Sauron gave the Nazgul new mounts - terrible winged creatures known as Fell Beasts.

The Nazgul did have some weaknesses. The eight Nazgul excluding the Lord of the Nazgul feared water, and they did not like to cross rivers except over bridges. They could endure the Sun, but the eight lesser Nazgul tended to become confused in daylight when they were alone and their power was diminished. They also hated fire.

Elves were among the few beings the Nazgul feared, particularly the High Elves who had lived in the Undying Lands because they had power in the Unseen world. The Nazgul also feared the Powers known as the Valar, especially Elbereth who created the Stars and was revered by the Elves.

The Nazgul did not have great physical power against those who did not fear them. However, they could not be killed by ordinary means. Most weapons could not harm them, and any blade that touched the Lord of the Nazgul disintegrated.

It took a special sword - forged by the Dunedain and wound with spells - to strike the blow that rendered the Lord of the Nazgul powerless. Flames from the eruption of Mount Doom destroyed the other eight Nazgul. But ultimately it was the destruction of the One Ring to which they were bound that ensured that the Nazgul would never arise again.

[XtRaVa]

It's because wearing the ring grants the bearer with immense powers. Remember at the start of the first movie, that huge mofo is wearing it and literally smashing the shit out of the human army. Well, its saying that if Kane was to wear it, the 9 ring wraiths that would try and hunt him down for having it, would be like "oh fuck this, he was a bad ass before, but now hes wearing the one ring too!".

It's basically saying Kane is a bad ass mofo :D

[Dante'sInferno]

One ring to rule them all,one ring to find them.One ring to bring them all!AND IN THE DARKNESS BIND THEM!

[bloodrayne]

Well...That certainly explains it...





Many moons ago he was known as "Sam The Egg"........until the great BANNING WARS of 2005

Every time I see this...I hear the voice, and get the image...

"A THOUSAND years ago...." *Voluminous smoke rolls in*
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v69/BloodRayne/CyberneticGhost.jpg

And I bet you don't even watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force...:D

[jenna26]

2) Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Zwoti can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.



LOL.....:p Funny stuff.....I like my first one......:)

[bloodrayne]

I feel kinda bad about MassMan's friend, Dudeman

He's been around a bit lately, and I forgot...no one reminded me either...

So...I had a leftover one that I'll give him (and yes, it's lame :p)



Dudeman is so fast that he ran all the way around the world and smacked himself in the head...from behind.

[XtRaVa]

Dudeman is SO fast, that when God said let there be light, he had already managed to hide his animal porn magazine, screw the lid back on the vaseline and put it into his bed side draw, pull his boxers back up and jump into bed to pretend to be asleep.

[ManchestrMorgue]

I love it. Funniest thread in a long while.

Excellent idea.:D :D :D

[Freak]

Those where great Rayne.I haven't laughed that hard in awhile.I have read my first one about a thousand times.

[massacre man]

Haha, I got #69! :D

[Dude Guadalupe]

14) If you rearrange the letters in Dude Guadalupe...He'll fucking break you.









63) There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Dude Guadalupe is going to walk.



Yeah.......

[The_Return]

Awesome list Rayne! Hahahaha...my first one was great :D

Still, I feel the need to comment on omething MM said way back on the first page....

I was there, and survived, I'm a veteran.


I was there, got banned twice and am still here - that makes me a zombie, bitch.

[Angra]

78) Angra lost his virginity before his dad did.







LOL

Eeeewwww.. That's kinda gross, Rayne. :p

[dewaholic]

38) Dewaholic can delete the Recycling Bin.


A good ability to have

Like the 2nd one too

[Marya Zaleska]

I'm sure that everyone has seen all of the Chuck Norris boast things, like "Chuck Norris is so bad that..."...whatever...

Anyway...I found a bunch of them (in that type of style) and I thought it would be funny (yeah, I know...Just humor me...OKAY?) to randomly put the names of our forum members into the 'boasts'...Cuz, personally, I think you guys are WAY more awesome than Chuck Norris (heh...how cheesy was THAT? :D)

If you have no freaking idea what the hell I'm talking about, that's okay because you can still help me out...When I'm finished, you'll see what I mean

So...

What I need is to TRY to get everyone's name who is here on a regular basis...I really don't want to leave anyone out, and since I'm not here as often as I used to be it's more difficult for me to determine who should be on the list...All I really need is names...And remember, all of the names will be added RANDOMLY to this thing I'm doing, and that should make it even funnier

I've got:

Hammerfan
Zwoti
V
Newb
Sam
Crabapple
Roderick Usher
Elvis
Vod
Despare
Bwind
IllDojo
Novakru
Dude Guadalupe (it's okay, he'll see it)
Doc Faustus
VampClown
Neverending
Flayed (even though I'm not sure he'll see it)
Geddy
MassacreMan
Posher
Dante
Kemal
Mothman
AmericanManiac
Disease
Ferret
Slasherman
DP McCoy
Angra
Return
Murderdoll
Scarecrow
Xtrava
Manchester
Alky
Kane Hodder
Dewaholic
Freak
HorrorObsessed
Jenna
Nikki
YourLastMistake
Hamburger
Gorephobia
Mordrid (wait a minute, where the hell has he been?...Did he leave?)
Zero (Fourth from the bottom...heh)
HorrorWench (but, she doesn't hang out in the General Forum much, so she may not see it...hmm)
Cheeba (he's in and out...Not sure if he'd wanna be included, or if he'd even see it)
Spal (She'll see it if Cheeba does :))



Who did I miss (who might actually see this thing)?

Why me! Your hostess to the supernatural, Maria ZaleskY!

I too have been away to the illness and death of a close friend. But need to get back.

[Dudeman]

Haha, these are great. They made my day.

[Elvis_Christ]

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.


:D Fuck that cracked me up!



53) Newb was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.


Damn right.... get that man a beer.

[yourlastmistake]

Damn Bloodrayne, you actually brought a tear to my one good eye.:)

[Zero]

47) When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Zero.

for fear of my hot monkey sex