The Joke Thread

[Elvis_Christ]

Post some jokes kids....

GOD wanted Jesus to be born in Australia, but he couldn't find three wise men and a virgin :)

What does an Aussie use for contraception?

His personality!

[Elvis_Christ]

That might get Cheeba out of lurking haha

[pinkerton]

How does master find a sheep in tall grass?























































Very satisfying.

[Elvis_Christ]

What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?

They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride

[AUSTIN316426808]

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

[X¤MurderDoll¤X]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turn to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

[AUSTIN316426808]

A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fuck’n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh fuck…" The priest said, "That’s it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "FUCK, I Missed".

[X¤MurderDoll¤X]

A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fuck’n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh fuck…" The priest said, "That’s it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "FUCK, I Missed".

HAHAHHAHAH

[Deposable]

I wrote a sequel to Schindler's List...

Titled "Schindler's List 2 - Lets get this party started ! "

[Elvis_Christ]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turn to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

http://www.delta.edu/jfrohm/sign/iloveyou-sm.jpg

[The Flayed One]

What do you call a blind deer?
No idear.

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no idear.

What do you call a blind deer with no legs and no balls?
Still no fucking idear!

[Vodstok]

this one is kid-safe, but i always liked it.


A duck goes into a hardware store, tracks down an employee and asks "Do you have any duct tape?"

the employee gets mad and says "We dont allow ducks in here. Get the hell out."

The duck shrugs and leaves.

the next day, he comes back in, and runs into the same employee and asks "Do you have any duct tape?"

the employee shouts again "I told you, we dont serve ducks here. Get lost!"

again, the duck shrugs and leaves.

the next day, same scenario, except that the employee is losing his mind now. "If i see you again, i am going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!"

The duck hurries out.

The next day, he sneaks into the store, finds the employee, and coughs. "Ahem. Do you have any nails?"

"Noo......"

"Do you have a hammer?"

"NO!"

"Good. Do you have any duct tape?"

[Master]

every day at 4:00, this guy would come into the barbershop and ask,

"how many guys ahead of me ?"

the answer would be 3 or 4, but the guy NEVER stuck around.
after a couple of weeks of this the barber asked his assistant :

"this is driving me nuts ... he never comes back ... i gotta know who he's giving his business to !"

So he asks his assistant to follow the guy next time he comes in.
Later that day around 4:00 the guy comes in.

"how many guys ahead of me ?"

"4" answers the barber, and off went the guy, with the barbers assistant training behind.

30 minutes later the assistant comes back.

"so" asked the barber, "did you find out where he goes"

"yes" replies the assistant

"ok .. so where's he going ????!!!!" cries the exasperated barber.

"Your house".


Congratulations. That was the first one in the thread to legitimately make me laugh.

[Master]

lips on ass ...kiss!!!

Keep your lips away from my ass.

[dewaholic]

What's the difference between love & herpes?











Herpes lasts forever

[DP McCoy]

One of my better halfs favourites...

Q Why do men get great ideas in bed?

A Because they're plugged into a genius!

[Elvis_Christ]

I've never crashed a blonde

[can't get enough gore]

a wife who is sick and dying calls for her husband to come to her side...the wife whispers softly"i have to admit i have been unfaithful" the husband whispers even more softly "i know thats why i poisened you"

:D :D :D

[zwoti]

There's a have a masochist, a sadist, a zoophilic, a necrophile, a coprophilic and a fetichist in jail. So suddenly, the zoophilic says “Hey guys, lets fuck a cat!” And everybody is like “FUCK YES!”, but suddenly, the coprophilic says “After we fuck it, we shit on it!” Everybody applauds. And the necrophile then says “Then, we kill it. And after that, WE FUCK IT!”. The sadist then says “Before we kill it, lets fucking torture it!” So the fetichist is like “And then, we dildo fuck it!” Everybody is like “YEAH MAN LETS DO IT!”



















To which the masochist says “Meow”

[zwoti]

hehehe


so .. you knew what a coprophilic was ?

:D



i admit to nothing :cool:

[Ash's_evil_hand]

OK, my two favourite jokes:

There's a guy crawling through the desert, close to death from lack of water. He crawls over a dune and looks down to see... 3 tents, together on the desert floor.

With his last ounces of strength, he manages to reach them. In a cracked, parched voice he asks at the first tent 'Water, water, please'

'Sorry mate,' came the reply, 'we have no water here. Only custard.'

So the guy goes to the next tent. Desperately, he croaks 'Water, I need water'.

'Very sorry my friend, we only have sponge fingers here.'

Getting pretty annoyed, he then goes to the third tent. 'Water, water, please, you must have some water to give me.'

'No, sorry, only jelly (jello) here.'

What, three tents out in the middle of the desert, and you have no water, only custard, sponge fingers and jelly (jello)? Doesn't that strike you as a little weird?'

'Yes, it is a trifle bazaar!'










How many Tourette's sufferers does it take to change a lighbulb?
...Fuck off!




(Sorry!)

[Elvis_Christ]

True story?

My last girlfriend was really pretty when she was angry. Amazing eyes.
She damn near knocked me outta my shoes when I told her that tho haha :D