My little corner of the world.

[Vodstok]

I have been having a hell of time getting motivated about anything recently. I have some great stories i have been working on that are sitting unfinished (some of them unstarted). I have some responsibilities over on planet halflife that i have been blowing off due to lack of time and motivation. Work has become an absolute chore. I havce some programs that i have been writing that i am losing interest in.

Pretty much anything responsible has become too much, or even painful for me.

Which really sucks because a little over a week ago i was VERY motivated. I was writing, plus doing a ton of research on places to get published. I havent written a word in over a week. I have been feeling very "why bother?" about a lot.

For one thing, these 90 minute commutes are killing me. I also have been thinking about my last job off an on. It wasnt a great job, it actually kind of sucked, but i had a co-worker i got a long with really well (He introduced me to Invader Zim, which is obviously a good thing), plus it was the onoly job i have ever been fired from . Oh, I'm sorry "Let go" from. it was a bullshit situatiuon, but whatever.

My confidence took a massive kick in the balls over that one. I spent the next 3 months unemployed, scared out of my mind that i was putting my wife and new baby into the poorhouse (luckily, Bree is smart with money and we managed to maintain a savings the whole time). Anyone who thinks unemployment is a vacation has either never been unemployed, or just doesnt give a shit about life. I have never been more stressed or depressed.

the worst part as that we havent had a chance to recover. during that time i finally saw that i cant count on my family for a godamn thing. Which is probably partially to blame for my foul mood, i was alway close to them. To top everything else off, i never get any sleep. I am either kept up by the baby, getting to bed late because of housework or just trying to squeeze out some time to relax, or so stressed i get sleep but it sucks and is broken up.

I have been sleepingon the couch a couple of times a week just to try and keep from waking Bree up all night, hoping aty least one o fus might get some rest (but she is getting sick, so she could sleep all day and she will still feel like crap all day).

Her mother is visiting soon, and we are hoping like hell that we can get out and catch a movie or dinner or something, but we are dying right now. Things should be great, we have written of fmy family, so they arent really contributing to the stress since they dont exist, and my job pays REALLy well, but there doesnt appear to be any time for anything, and even when we get some, we are so tired that we just kind of amble thorugh it like zombies.

I'm not really sure why i am writing all of this, except maybe that this seems to be the one place where i can vent and actually get a good human response, not shrugging, or "Thats life", or no response at all.

Which when you think about it, is kind of sad. Im 30 years old and outside of my wife, the only people i have to talk to are people i have never met in person.

I need some motivation. I am getting overtaken by my cynicism and my passion seems to be disappearing, which is really bad because that is the one thing i have always been able to count on.

[Nikkif8]

Do you work out?

[urgeok]

hey , i understand that kind of a rut ..

neither my wife or i have family support so we've done very little outside of our immediate family (me, my wife, and my son)

although that makes for a strong little unit - we also need to get back to our 'before lives' once in a while.
We had a fantastic babysitter for a while but she's older and scarcer now.
Its been a year since we've gone anywhere without our little guy.

sometimes you just need to get out for an adult night ... so we're getting cabin fever to be sure.

adding to that is my obsession for getting the house ourged and cleaned up.

I've been sorting and disposing of books, computer shit, toys, etc .... for over 6 months now.
it occupies all my spare time.

our house was the central meeting place for our friends - we entertained 1 or 2 days out of every weekend .. now all i do is sort/move/build shit and by night time i'm dead tired. and the house isnt ready to receive guests.

so yeah ... i understand the frustration and the feeling of isolation.

its nothing against the family - its just healthy to get some outside stimuli from time to time .. and usually work doesnt cut it.

[Vodstok]

Urge, your life is beginning to sound very creepily like mine. Excpet that Bree and i arent terribly social, so we dont really have much in the way of friends (the people in our neighbor hood suck. Equally antisocial and very incosiderate)

Bree has a friend, i have none. We definately need a vacation. We have been trying like hell to get Bree away to a hotel for a couple of nights. it would work out great for both of us, she would get time away from me and the baby, i would get time with the baby, then the night to myself (which would probably involve beer, movies and video games :)), but things just have not worked out that way.

Fortunately, most of the work on the house is done, it is 90% touch up now. And it look sgreat for the most part. I am probably one o fthe few men on earth that cant wait for his mothe rin law to visit. She is agoddsend (the good kind not the movie). We will probably get to have a date (yay!), sleep in and Bree plans for me to get a night by myself to fuck off while she hangs out with her mom. Not to mention my mother in law is responsible for me having both Doom 3 and FEAR. She is a good lady :)

[urgeok]

hey, come on up to Toronto for a weekend - we can kill 2 birds with one stone :)

[_____V_____]

Sometimes, getting away from the usual pattern or shing-a-ding of everyday, daily life helps a LOT. Sounds like you need to unwind yourself, Vod.

Take Bree and the little one with you and have a short vacation or something. I dunno, just a trip around to your mother-in-law's.

It is normal to feel bent and twisted out of shape. I know cuz it has happened to me many a time. A fresh perspective is always around the corner, you never know.

Just taking some time out of everyday schmuck will do you a lot of good, Vod.

[The Flayed One]

My life is sucking right now, but it's going to get a whole lot better once I go back to Seattle. Right now, I practically have no friends. I usually split a 6pack with the owner of the business right after work. Then I go home and watch movies/play games. This little midwestern town is killing me. No theater, no place to shop for toys or comic books. No thai food, which is really making me bitchy. Hardly any good beer to be found.

Weekends I usually visit my parents. Split a 12pack with the old man. Surf the net all night after they pass out at 10pm. Back to work, mix, repeat.

[Zero]

vod-

vacation dude! absolutely crucial! get out somewhere weird, doesn't have to cost too much - cheap hotels and fast food, but get out of normal life. i always head to the woods when my brain gets fried like that (nature puts all the shit into perspective for me) - but it might be a big city you need to shake up the neurons.

also, i'd urge you to keep writing - even little stories - just give your brain something to work on. for me the problem is my job is so BORING that i can feel my brain turning to mush everyday (and, let's face it, there wasn't much there to begin with) i also have the opposite problem in terms of family - since i'm alone i could just cut and run whenever i feel like it and no one would notice (which has been my standard operating procedure over the past fifteen or so years). but you've got people how love you - you just need to get life back in perspective (hell, we even like you a little bit!):)

[Vodstok]

Vacation isnt really an option right now since i have only been at my current job a little over 4 months and i am a contractor (no fun benefits). I have found venting works :)


I also decided to email the 1 guy i liked from my last job and he already emailed me back, which made me feel good because he traditionally responds to emails after days, from anyone. He had some bad news, but it was just good to hear from him.

I'm feeling MUCh better than i did this morning. i am going to run out for lunch, get some shitty fast food, and hopefully drag myself the rest of the way out of this funk.


its odd, i usually excell in routines, but i guess sometimes i just need some sort of change to make things inrteresting.

I think what set me off this mornig, is that the one thing that makes my morning commute bearable is listening to Opie and Anthiny and laughing my ass of for an hour and a half on the way to work. But Jim Norton was away friday and today, and when he is gone they bring in Patrice Oneill. Where Jim makes me laugh so hard i hurt, patrice just pisses me off and bores me.

[Marroe]

Seems like the time of year or something. Both my boyfriend and I are both having some personal issuues. If I took the time to write everything that's wrong right now I'd prolly need the whole thread. I wish I had some good advice for you though...all I can say with my mind state right now is hang in there and hopefully it won't last, or there's always therapy which I'm even considering for the first time.

[_____V_____]

wtg Vod...

sometimes life does some unexpected turns and it might bring in a fresh spring wind in with its stride...so hang in there bro...we all are with you on this one...go and enjoy your lunch...


psh...lunch made me feel hungry...I m ma go get myself a chicken samwich now...heh...:o


:D

[BudMan]

ahhhh...slumps...we all go through them. You have a great wife and beautiful daughter to help you through it. Pick up some nice cold Octoberfest as well....it wouldn't hurt.

[Roderick Usher]

Your commute is pretty shitty, right?

Have you considered a personal memo recorder? You can "write" in the car by dictating. Might help stir the creative pot a little. I know you're pressed for time, but there is an awesome exercize I do when I'm all bottled up.

Morning pages. Grab a pen and a notebook and write three pages of ANYTHING. It can be "I hate writing" over and over if you like. But the amazing thing about this exercize is it that 1 1/2 pages into it, something clicks and ideas start pouring out. Do this first thing in the morning (set the alarm 10 min. earlier) for a week and I promise you'll feel better. Cheaper than therapy and usually more effective.

And you NEED a babysitter! Mine just moved away, so i'm like you, stuck at home with kids ad wife. Maddening!

[urgeok]

i used to have a stressful shitty commute when i was playing in a west end baseball league. had to make an hour drive in 30 minutes to be on time for the game.

the solution for me was comedy tapes...
you cannot stress if you're laughing.
(a fun laugh - not a "oh christ i'm losing my mind laugh"- or a "i'm going to take over the world laugh")

[stygianwitch]

I think the thing that's killing you most is the length of your work day, a 3 hour commute is not fun, if it won't take your mind off the driving maybe an audio book to listen to will help you to relax

You seem to have to work over a lot too, can you take some of that time back instead of being paid for it, when you have 8 hours overtime take the day off

Is there any way you could maybe work from home the odd day or two, maybe once or twice a month, with the commute that leaves you an extra 3 hours for Bree & Lily

If all else fails, throw a sickie, just 1 day to get your shit together

[Vodstok]

All great ideas. I feel like i should do anything rod suggests since he is doing what i want to be. :)

I have thought about the audio books. i havent found anything interesting on cd yet (havent looked very hard, to be honest)

I actually work from home every thursday, and it has helped, but monday through wednesday usually suck. the worst part is that i am doing sdupport every other day, so i cant leave until certain criteria are met, and it leaves me at the mercy of people on the west coast who dont care that it is after 5 where i am.

[tic]

Hi Vod... hopefully, there will be a glimpse of blue sky rather than just black thunder clouds.

I have been out of work before, so I knew how you felt, I found a job about a year ago, which (fingers crossed) will go on for a few years to come. I know about the isolation as well, family all grown up, getting on with own lives, having very few people to converse with (in topics which you are interested in), trying to occupy yourself with everyday things; time seems to drag on and on and then a week/month has gone by and you're still in the same old situation.

You know the funniest thing? The jobs I have done in the past, (including this one) I work pretty much alone! I am not sure of the irony there, but hey, what are going to do? Sometimes its a good thing, you have plenty of time to reflect on things; sometimes its a bad thing, for that same reason.

I have (what most people would call) few "close friends", mainly acquaintances who you say hi to in the street/shops, but I am pretty comfortable with that now. Most people would say I'm a loner without realising that I am among others who belong to the biggest social group there is - humanity.

That's why perhaps I joined HDC, one big family, with brothers and sisters; big and small, young and old, far and near; and friends. People who don't mind if you voice your thoughts, are prepared to listen without judgement and quick to act as a shoulder when you need it. A true family.

I too write, I can't tell you how many stories I've started only to get distracted by something or other; the best horror story/film of the last few years can wait, just that bit longer. (Is it me, or don't you just hate it when you think of a great story when a few weeks later, a story or a film just comes out, with more than a passing resemblence to yours .... aaahhh!) Like I said, I have plenty of time to reflect.

God, do I sound pitiful or what!:(

Anyways; we're all here for you, bro .....

[urgeok]

I have thought about the audio books. i havent found anything interesting on cd yet (havent looked very hard, to be honest)

.


i listened to Chuck Barris's Confesions of a Dangerous Mind - read by himself - and i could hardly turn it off ..

made a 40 minute drive seem like 2 minutes.

if you decide to look for a couple of these things .. keep in mind the reader is more important than the book .. make sure it's someone fairly dynamic.