Got wood?

[wood_elf_pansy]

This thread will be for jokes. If you have a joke write it in here. Hopefully people have jokes or this is just gunna suck.

ok heres one...

if your american in the kitchen and asian in the living room what are you in the bathroom?

(that one is well known but, i don't care)

[IDrinkYourBlood]

i dont know this one....so....what?

[Haunted]

Where's the fucking punchline!!! Don't post a goddamn joke and leave before postiing the punchline.

[wood_elf_pansy]

Originally posted by wood_elf_pansy
This thread will be for jokes. If you have a joke write it in here. Hopefully people have jokes or this is just gunna suck.

ok heres one...

if your american in the kitchen and asian in the living room what are you in the bathroom?

(that one is well known but, i don't care)

EUROPEAN

[IDrinkYourBlood]

K well I got one WITH a punch line! *eh hem*

Whats brown and sticky?



A STICK!!!



BAH HAHAHAHAHAHA

[ItsAlive75]

Why didn't John Denver shower before flying?

He thought he could just wash up onshore.

[Haunted]

That was awful IA, but it was pretty damn funny.:D

A lady goes through the check out line at her supermarket. She buy a single tv dinner, one roll of toilet paper, one bar of soap, and one single serving can of soup.

The check out guy looks at her and says, "You single?"

She says, "Yeah can't you tell by my groceries?"

The check out guy responds, "No it's because you're fucking ugly."

:D That was one of my ex boyfriend's jokes he got out of Playboy.

[The STE]

how do you fit 6 million jews into a Volkswagen?


in the ash tray

[Haunted]

I'm going to Hell for this:

Why did Hitler really kill himself?

He got his gas bill.

Now I'm off to do penance.

[ItsAlive75]

Originally posted by Haunted
I'm going to Hell for this:

Why did Hitler really kill himself?

He got his gas bill.

hahahaha

John dies and arrives in hell. He’s met by the devil and told that each person is offered several choices of torture that run in 1,000-year cycles.
The devil leads him to room after room of torture, each more horrible than the next. Finally, they go to a room where a young college co-ed is performing oral sex on a man drinking beer.

John tells the devil, “This is more like it!”

The devil says, “Are you sure? It lasts for a thousand years!”

John replies, “Yes!”

So the devil walks over to the young woman and says, “You can go now. I’ve found your replacement.”

[wood_elf_pansy]

a man walks into a bar and sees a big jar full of money. he asks the bartender what its for and he says "I have a horse in back, if u make him laugh you can have the money." the man goes out back and the horse starts busting up laughing. the bartender was surprised but gave him the money.
a month later the man went back into the bar and the jar was full again. he asked the bartender what he had to do to win the money this time and the bartender said, "make my horse cry."
so the man makes the horse cry. the bartender gave him the money then says, "ok many have tried to make my horse laugh and then you do it in a matter of seconds, then many tried to make it cry. How did you do it?"

The man replied, "first I told him my dick was bigger than his, then i showed him.":)

[sabersword]

Three guys die and stand before the gates of haven. St. Peter has the day off and is replaced by an angel who does not know the ropes. He looks around and calls the first guy forward. If you can give me an example of Christmas, you can go in. The guy thought a moment and pulled his keys out and shook them. Jingelbells he said. The Angel said cool, go on in. He brought the next guy forward with the same proposel.The guy thought for a moment, took out his lighter and flicked it on. The Christmass star he said. Fine, the Angel said, go on in. The last guy came forward and receved the same proposel. He thought a moment, reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of thong panties, Carols, he said.

[mothermold]

Mental Institution


In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like hes driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks,

"Well, Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replies the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlies room and goes across the hall into Bobs room,

and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"

Bob says, "Im screwing Charlies wife while hes in Chicago"

[wood_elf_pansy]

Originally posted by The STE
how do you fit 6 million jews into a Volkswagen?


in the ash tray

how do you fit 6 million fags into a stationwagon?

in the ashtray

[AmericanManiac]

A Steelers fan used to amuse himself by scaring every Browns fan
He saw strutting down the street in the obnoxious orange, brown and
White colors. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, and swerve back
Just missing them.

One day, while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would
do a good deed, and he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you
Going Father?" "I'm going to give mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2
Miles down the road," replied the priest. "Climb in, Father! I'll give you
A lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they
Continued down the road.

Suddenly, the driver saw a Browns fan walking down the road, and
He instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved
Back onto the road just in time.

Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still
Heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he
glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the
priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father, I almost
hit that Browns fan."

"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."

[wood_elf_pansy]

one day a man was sitting on his porch and saw a kid walking down the street with some chicken wire.
the man asks, "whatcha doin with that there chicken wire?"
the boy resplies, "I'm gunna catch me some chickens."
"how you gunna catch chickens with chicken wire?" the man asks.
the boy says, "you'll see."
after a whle the boy comes walking back up the street with some chickens.

The next day, the man was sitting on his porch and the little kid comes walking down the street with some duct tape.
the man asks, "watcha doin with that there duct tape?"
the boy replies, "I'm gunna catch me some ducks."
the man asks, "how are you gunna catch ducks with duct tape?"
the boy replies, "you'll see."
after a while the boy comes walking back up the street with some ducks.

the next day the man was sitting on his porch and the little kid comes walking down the street with some pussy willow.
the man says "hold on let me get my shoes!!!"

[Nana_baby]

Originally posted by The STE
how do you fit 6 million jews into a Volkswagen?


in the ash tray
HEY LEAVE THE JEWS BE!!!!!!!!

[The STE]

Originally posted by Nana_baby
HEY LEAVE THE JEWS BE!!!!!!!!

...I am Jewish...

[wood_elf_pansy]

Originally posted by The STE
...I am Jewish... so am i, i'm a fag too before you(Nana) get into that. lol

[The STE]

whoa, a Jew-mo. Are you black, too?

[wood_elf_pansy]

Originally posted by The STE
whoa, a Jew-mo. Are you black, too?

my dad is

[wood_elf_pansy]

hey sam, guess what? I'm a lyer.

[The STE]

oh yeah? Well I'm a LIAR! Beat that!

[Posher778]

a guy is talking to his friend about his girlfriend, and how everytime he sees her, he gets a huge boner. the friend tells him that he should duct tape his dick to his leg, so he does.
that night he has a date and the girl shows up in a tiny, short red dress.













the guy kicked her in the face.

[wood_elf_pansy]

Originally posted by The STE
oh yeah? Well I'm a LIAR! Beat that!

I'm a fucking liar !

beat that

[wood_elf_pansy]

Originally posted by Posher778
a guy is talking to his friend about his girlfriend, and how everytime he sees her, he gets a huge boner. the friend tells him that he should duct tape his dick to his leg, so he does.
that night he has a date and the girl shows up in a tiny, short red dress.













the guy kicked her in the face.

funny one

[The STE]

Originally posted by wood_elf_pansy
I'm a fucking liar !

beat that

I'm a God-damn motherfucking LIAH!!!

[wood_elf_pansy]

Originally posted by The STE
I'm a God-damn motherfucking LIAH!!!

i dont lie!

haha I win!

[The STE]

Originally posted by wood_elf_pansy
i dont lie!

haha I win!

if you don't lie, then you were telling the truth about being a liar, which would mean you do lie, and you were lying about not lying.

[wood_elf_pansy]

Originally posted by The STE
if you don't lie, then you were telling the truth about being a liar, which would mean you do lie, and you were lying about not lying.

sure, thats why i win!:D

[The STE]

but since you lie, you saying you win could be a lie, and thus: You Lose

[wood_elf_pansy]

fuck

ok then you won! haha!

[stubbornforgey]

Originally posted by mothermold
Mental Institution


In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like hes driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks,

"Well, Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replies the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlies room and goes across the hall into Bobs room,

and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"

Bob says, "Im screwing Charlies wife while hes in Chicago"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
2 blondes were driving through the countryside when they spotted a third blonde trying to row a dinghy through
the cornfield..
1st blonde: fuck its bitches like that who gives us blondes bad names..!!
2nd blonde:tell me about it..and if i could swim i would get out and whop her sorry ass..


'bad pun'
my father died at one of the concentration camps..
he fell out of the guard tower..

[The STE]

Originally posted by wood_elf_pansy
fuck

ok then you won! haha!

glad you finally admitted defeat

[wood_elf_pansy]

Originally posted by The STE
glad you finally admitted defeat

are you sure i wasn't lying?

[The STE]

Originally posted by wood_elf_pansy
are you sure i wasn't lying?

I'm sure. I know that I won

[mothermold]

blind guy walks into a bar.

A blind guy accidently walks into a women’s bar and says to the
bartender "wanna’ here a blonde joke?"
Then the women next to him says" the bartenders a blonde,the bouncer
is a blonde,I’m 200 lbs and a blonde and the women to your right is a
blonde professional wrestler and the women to my right is a
professional weight lifter" and then says " you still want to tell that joke"
"NAW, I don’t want to explain it 6 times".


the blonde date.

To prepare for his big date, a young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade".

He was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that’s how you guys load those things!"



men vs. women

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!” The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.” The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.” Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks”, she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.” Moral: Women are evil. Don’t mess with them

[cheebacheeba]

I'll tell a blonde joke, then a couple that'll piss people off.

A blonde woman walks into an electronics store, has a quick look around, and browses until one of the store assistants approaches. She says "I'd like to buy that Television", he replies, "Sorry lady, we don't serve blondes"...without another word, she huffs out of the store. She simply won't have this, so, goes and buys herself a burgundy coloured hair dye, and colours her hair.
The next day, she heads back to the same shop, grabs the attendant, points, and says she'd like to buy the television. Again, she's told "Sorry, we don't serve blondes", she can't believe what she's hearing and is frankly a little confused. Again, she goes to the shop and this time buys a BLACK hair dye, and not only colours, but cuts her hair.
The next day, same shop again. She marches right in, and this time goes to a different sales attendant. "You! I want to buy that TV, and I want it NOW!" He looks at her for a moment, and says to her, "Yeah, look...I'm sorry but I can't serve you"
"Because I'm blonde?!?"
"Because you're blonde."
"That's it, where's the manager? I want to make a complaint about you and your co-workers! You're so rude, and how would you even know I was blonde???"
He looks at her a moment longer, and says
"Because that's not a television, it's a microwave"


What's black and blue and hates sex?
Victims of violent rape.

Bad huh....wait for it.....


Last one:

Whats 12 inches, stiff in the morning and makes women scream?
Crib Death babies

I apologise in advance to anyone outrightly offended by these jokes, I didn't write them, and where better to talk about a "horrible" topic, than a horror forum. Those that still want to get on my nuts about it, Run along and eat a dick.
;)

[Haunted]

:eek: :eek: You!... You!... I can't believe that you would... You...

Those were funny, and I wasn't even all that bothered by the rape joke.

:D :D

I don't think anybody is going to get mad at you. It's all in fun.

[Nana_baby]

CHEEBA!!!!
god i was so affendend about the rape joke you should take extrame care not to do that again cuz there are some people who have been have trubble with shit like that

[cheebacheeba]

I don't think anybody is going to get mad at you. It's all in fun ;)
Good, meant no offence...terrible things, true, but sometimes levity is the gift that time lost cannot provide...deep, huh?


god i was so affendend about the rape joke you should take extrame care nto to do that gain cuz there are some people who have been have trubble with shit like that
Trubble? Like, with your spelling?
hAHahAHaHAhA
Run along kid, this threads for telling jokes, not BEING them.
hAHahAHahAhaHahAHahAHAHAhAHaHA
!SERVED, BIATCH!

[Nana_baby]

asshole....
keep the rape jokes away bitch

[Haunted]

Baby, pm me. Tell me what's up.

Don't call Cheeba an asshole. He's like my older brother. Just roll with it and chuckle. I've been raped twice, and I'm totally not offended. My bro teases like that. Eventually, I just learned to either roll my eyes or raise an eyebrow, and laugh.

Tell me why his joke bothered you so much, if I'm not asking too personal of a question.

[Nana_baby]

well i was raped at 4 and i kept it in and i became hatred and now i have to learn to love all over again and its getting really hard to do to the fact that i am so acustom to hating ppl and some ppl like you and Angra are easy to forgive others aren't
as easy cuz of shit that happpend in the past with them...
but i have trubble keeping in my anger so i take it out on either myself or others....

[cheebacheeba]

So like...do you have a brain?

[Nana_baby]

no not really....i never shut up....unless i am bord y do you ask?

[Spallalala]

Someone needs to lighten up a lil bit.. Its a horror forum after all.
If you dont like something that someone has said then just shrug it off.. And really. If your gonna have a go at someone you might want to consider getting your spelling correct.