View Full Version : Is It Dark Enough???
Hi, to all the horror fans. I'm currently studing 'writing' and hopefully one of my novels or scripts when finished will take off one day...I've been practising my so called 'art' in form of novel writing, poetry and lyrical rhymes.
This is the first piece of poetry I'm displaying to the public and would like the truth...if u like it ...GREAT... but if u don't...thats fine too; you will only help strenghten my back bone!!!
Here goes:
The darkened cloud covers the moon that shines
Smothering coulor and all that is devine
Evil delivers midnight as the clock chimes
Shadows crawl and start to climb.
The dead will soon come out to play
Emotions run high from the murder of the day
Tears now fall from 'blood shed' they say
Truth is hidden; protecting those who will eventually pay.
Cheers for the feedback
-cole-
RavageRitual
12-16-2005, 04:22 AM
Shine Divine Chime Clime
Wish I could Rhyme
Play Day Say Pay
Wish I was by the Bay
Im sorry cole, Its still really eary here in PA, im not woke up yet, I thought it was good. oh and ugh I hope you stay a member and dont just get the feedback from this post and leave forever.
It's all good...I'll b back again I'm not the "i'll love u then leave u type" lol. It's getting late here is Aussie but I'm a bit of a night owl anyway
RavageRitual
12-16-2005, 04:54 AM
Hell, im getting ready to go to school right now.
she_died
12-16-2005, 06:34 AM
Originally posted by cole
The darkened cloud covers the moon that shines
Smothering coulor and all that is devine
Evil delivers midnight as the clock chimes
Shadows crawl and start to climb.
The dead will soon come out to play
Emotions run high from the murder of the day
Tears now fall from 'blood shed' they say
Truth is hidden; protecting those who will eventually pay.
Cheers for the feedback
-cole- [/B]
Not bad, I'd say. The last line is a little clunky, and breaks the meter; I think you could make it a little leaner and meaner. Also "Emotions run high" seems out of place to me. Overall, you've got a cool vibe, nothing to spit at, to be sure. Keep writing!
zomb5150
12-16-2005, 08:22 AM
Did You ever kiss a boy and accidently burp in His mouth?:D
she_died
12-16-2005, 08:28 AM
Nope. I think I should change my avatar to a picture of a penis. My handle probably is confusing a lot of people lol
Hi she-died...Having next to no sleep can cause the dribbley crapy parts, thanx for your opinion !!!
What's happening in your neck of the woods???
cole
Can't say i CAN REMEMBER ever accidently buping in a boys. did he for give u???
Originally posted by RavageRitual
Hell, im getting ready to go to school right now.
School rules:)
Originally posted by she_died
Nope. I think I should change my avatar to a picture of a penis. My handle probably is confusing a lot of people lol
Congrats on graduating film school:)
Originally posted by she_died
Not bad, I'd say. The last line is a little clunky, and breaks the meter; I think you could make it a little leaner and meaner. Also "Emotions run high" seems out of place to me. Overall, you've got a cool vibe, nothing to spit at, to be sure. Keep writing!
Cheers...I'm 26 year old ...still learning the ropes of it all. "Emotions run high" ...All study and play with and no sleep can sometimes cause mixes of a crappy line or two. Your feed back is appriciated :cool:
cole
Originally posted by trippin_the_rif
welcome and please forgive the red headed step-children?:rolleyes:
Hey Trippin_ the_ rif
Thanks for ur welcome. As for your rules and conditions
1. Doesn't every house hold contain 1 or more hustler (or some other nudie mag?) lol.
2. goatees r cool...just about every guy I know including my brothers have one. Don't b a slave to the shave!!!
3.Sane...? Insane...? it's all good,we all have our moments.lol.
Everone is special in their own unique way!!!
Peace
cole
:D
Originally posted by zomb5150
Did You ever kiss a boy and accidently burp in His mouth?:D
no!!!lol!!!have u???:confused:
Originally posted by she_died
Nope. I think I should change my avatar to a picture of a penis. My handle probably is confusing a lot of people lol
Isn't that one of the five food groups?.:confused: lol.
Originally posted by RavageRitual
Shine Divine Chime Clime
Wish I could Rhyme
Play Day Say Pay
Wish I was by the Bay
Im sorry cole, Its still really eary here in PA, im not woke up yet, I thought it was good. oh and ugh I hope you stay a member and dont just get the feedback from this post and leave forever.
Did you write the body in the shed poem???It's very good...grewsomely curious!!!
cole:)
VampiricClown
12-18-2005, 02:45 PM
Alright, first off, Welcome to HDC.
Secondly, The poem is good, but it still needs work.
Originally posted by cole
no!!!lol!!!have u???:confused:
And thirdly, just chill a little. I don't think he was saying that to you. I could be wrong, but I think he was talking to "she_died". Oh! And you might try quoting all of the peoples posts in just one of yours.
Later
VC
Originally posted by VampiricClown
Alright, first off, Welcome to HDC.
Secondly, The poem is good, but it still needs work.
And thirdly, just chill a little. I don't think he was saying that to you. I could be wrong, but I think he was talking to "she_died". Oh! And you might try quoting all of the peoples posts in just one of yours.
Later
VC
Sorry...This is the first time I've actually been in a forum and I'm still figuring out the do's and don't. Thanks for the heads up about replying in one post...I didn't know!!!:cool: