chadbryden
12-25-2004, 11:07 PM
THIS IS MY REVISED REVIEW with some extra goodies!
Darkness lost us within 15 minutes. Gone. See ya later. We sat in our seats laughing at how incredibly ridiculous it was. I think that the director or writer or some prankster seriously underestimated the general population's intelligence... and I think the general population is not all that bright. (Bush got re-elected. If you don't see my point, this movie might just be right for you). You know how Scary Movie 3 starts off with the two famous ditzes being frightened by some random noise and that old tinny phone ringing in that big old house, and they creep nervously to the phone for no apparent reason? Darkness tries to do the SAME THING, BUT THEY TRIED TO DO IT SERIOUSLY! After the first couple ridiculous 'typical' overdone horror cliches, the entire audience just started laughing at everything that was meant to be SCARY! It was just horrid. There's a creak, and the little boy sits up in his bed ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED. I frequently hear creaks at my house – in the dark at that, but my sympathetic nervous system doesn't kick into high gear every time. Heck, I hardly even notice. Cripes. Every time it shows a television it talks about the upcoming eclipse. Eclipse eclipse eclipse. At least 15 times. Hmmmmm. Oh, now I see it, the eclipse is what triggers all the scary stuff! Oh! Good thing they mentioned it so much and then explained it while talking slowly and deliberately or I might have missed that! And they keep drilling into your head how close the little girl and boy are, and that the father is crazy. So much that it gets tiring and laughable (again, not the desired effect). I can't understand why they keep showing the girl at swimming practice. It is annoying and, like everything else in this movie, extremely redundant. But that girl sure was smart! The father took a hardly noticeable temper tantrum (angry at the electrician), and little brother got a tiny bruise on his neck that the doctor dismissed as something he did in his sleep, but SHE KNEW. Oh yeah. She knew something else was up and stated, "It's that house." Heck, her and the boyfriend even went to the 'old man' who knew the history of that evil house. "The old man was right!" Unbelievably, they said that too. Seems like that evil house is gonna make ole daddio go off the deep end. Then... what a twist of plot at the end... turns out that the crazy father DOESN'T go on a killing spree! Why, they were duping us all along! How clever! And all along, there are numerous other cheesy horror staples: random noises, scary photos and shadows shooping back and forth across the screen when the characters have their respective backs turned... Do not waste your money. Actually, if your idea is to go on a first date and make out, this movie is perfect. There are lots of good laughs to break the ice, no story to worry about following, and lots of people groaning in dismay (you'll hear 'waste of money' uttered so many times don't try to count), so you just might end up alone with your date by the end of it!
REVISIONS:
Here are some more things that make no sense: Her boyfriend just appears in the middle of her house. INSIDE. She is surprised to see him, then introduces him to the father. So... nobody let him in? He just walked RIGHT IN? Then the father asks him if he knows anything about electricity (remember the tantrum at the electrician), and for some inexplicable reason, in the next scene he is PAINTING THE CEILING IN THEIR HOUSE. Like, wtf????
Ok, someone explain this to me. The story revolves around 7 parents and 7 children. Why is there some old photo of 3 creeps wearing sunglasses and why is the father obsessed with it? Is it ZZ Top before the beards? And... why do these creatures crawl around on the ceiling? Who are they?
They are in Italy, and people on the street just speak English. WITH AN ITALIAN ACCENT. Some stranger goes up to daddio's car and just starts speaking English! Doesn't know him or that he does, in fact, speak English. Would I go up to some stranger in Canada and start speaking German? Guten tak! Vee gade es teer! I guess if they were shooting a German horror movie it would be ok...
Ok, big spoiler here. The whole point of the story is that the father is the original child that has to die to complete the cycle. That is it. In a nutshell. Bam. Daddy has to be 'cut by loved hands'. Soooo, when the wife slits his throat and he dies, that's it. Right there, right? Nooooooo. For some reason, everyone has to be submersed in darkness. Hence the title???? Yeah, if the cycle was completed 40 years ago like it should have been (daddy should have died then) then none of this would be happening now. Like, the kids wouldn't exist. So, why, even though the father is now dead, do the kids have to be put into the dark for it to work? This makes absolutely no sense. It's like they couldn't think of an ending, and some uninsightful moron just thought that would be such a cool idea. My intelligence got lower just watching it. In fact, it is like they took one shot through the entire process. No revision, no editing, no going back to fix obvious flaws and holes in the plot. Just one shot through while making it up as they went along. I think that I revised this review more than they went back and fixed the script. It's kind of like someone with a very low intelligence thought that everything was just SO COOL (and thought everyone else would too), and for some reason got hired to make this movie.
Darkness lost us within 15 minutes. Gone. See ya later. We sat in our seats laughing at how incredibly ridiculous it was. I think that the director or writer or some prankster seriously underestimated the general population's intelligence... and I think the general population is not all that bright. (Bush got re-elected. If you don't see my point, this movie might just be right for you). You know how Scary Movie 3 starts off with the two famous ditzes being frightened by some random noise and that old tinny phone ringing in that big old house, and they creep nervously to the phone for no apparent reason? Darkness tries to do the SAME THING, BUT THEY TRIED TO DO IT SERIOUSLY! After the first couple ridiculous 'typical' overdone horror cliches, the entire audience just started laughing at everything that was meant to be SCARY! It was just horrid. There's a creak, and the little boy sits up in his bed ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED. I frequently hear creaks at my house – in the dark at that, but my sympathetic nervous system doesn't kick into high gear every time. Heck, I hardly even notice. Cripes. Every time it shows a television it talks about the upcoming eclipse. Eclipse eclipse eclipse. At least 15 times. Hmmmmm. Oh, now I see it, the eclipse is what triggers all the scary stuff! Oh! Good thing they mentioned it so much and then explained it while talking slowly and deliberately or I might have missed that! And they keep drilling into your head how close the little girl and boy are, and that the father is crazy. So much that it gets tiring and laughable (again, not the desired effect). I can't understand why they keep showing the girl at swimming practice. It is annoying and, like everything else in this movie, extremely redundant. But that girl sure was smart! The father took a hardly noticeable temper tantrum (angry at the electrician), and little brother got a tiny bruise on his neck that the doctor dismissed as something he did in his sleep, but SHE KNEW. Oh yeah. She knew something else was up and stated, "It's that house." Heck, her and the boyfriend even went to the 'old man' who knew the history of that evil house. "The old man was right!" Unbelievably, they said that too. Seems like that evil house is gonna make ole daddio go off the deep end. Then... what a twist of plot at the end... turns out that the crazy father DOESN'T go on a killing spree! Why, they were duping us all along! How clever! And all along, there are numerous other cheesy horror staples: random noises, scary photos and shadows shooping back and forth across the screen when the characters have their respective backs turned... Do not waste your money. Actually, if your idea is to go on a first date and make out, this movie is perfect. There are lots of good laughs to break the ice, no story to worry about following, and lots of people groaning in dismay (you'll hear 'waste of money' uttered so many times don't try to count), so you just might end up alone with your date by the end of it!
REVISIONS:
Here are some more things that make no sense: Her boyfriend just appears in the middle of her house. INSIDE. She is surprised to see him, then introduces him to the father. So... nobody let him in? He just walked RIGHT IN? Then the father asks him if he knows anything about electricity (remember the tantrum at the electrician), and for some inexplicable reason, in the next scene he is PAINTING THE CEILING IN THEIR HOUSE. Like, wtf????
Ok, someone explain this to me. The story revolves around 7 parents and 7 children. Why is there some old photo of 3 creeps wearing sunglasses and why is the father obsessed with it? Is it ZZ Top before the beards? And... why do these creatures crawl around on the ceiling? Who are they?
They are in Italy, and people on the street just speak English. WITH AN ITALIAN ACCENT. Some stranger goes up to daddio's car and just starts speaking English! Doesn't know him or that he does, in fact, speak English. Would I go up to some stranger in Canada and start speaking German? Guten tak! Vee gade es teer! I guess if they were shooting a German horror movie it would be ok...
Ok, big spoiler here. The whole point of the story is that the father is the original child that has to die to complete the cycle. That is it. In a nutshell. Bam. Daddy has to be 'cut by loved hands'. Soooo, when the wife slits his throat and he dies, that's it. Right there, right? Nooooooo. For some reason, everyone has to be submersed in darkness. Hence the title???? Yeah, if the cycle was completed 40 years ago like it should have been (daddy should have died then) then none of this would be happening now. Like, the kids wouldn't exist. So, why, even though the father is now dead, do the kids have to be put into the dark for it to work? This makes absolutely no sense. It's like they couldn't think of an ending, and some uninsightful moron just thought that would be such a cool idea. My intelligence got lower just watching it. In fact, it is like they took one shot through the entire process. No revision, no editing, no going back to fix obvious flaws and holes in the plot. Just one shot through while making it up as they went along. I think that I revised this review more than they went back and fixed the script. It's kind of like someone with a very low intelligence thought that everything was just SO COOL (and thought everyone else would too), and for some reason got hired to make this movie.