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Old 10-03-2007, 06:18 AM
Juvenile Sims Juvenile Sims is offline
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My First Short Story

OK everyone, I just finished my first story and trust I will receive good criticism here. I know some of the grammar and punctuation isn't perfect but even as I proof-read it, I just couldn't think of a better change in some areas. Comments and critism are greatly appreciated. Thank you.

"The Hike"

As he sat behind the large oak tree, sweat poured from his brow. His heart pounded causing his body to shake to the rythym of its beat. His breathes were short and quick. Mike couldn’t run any longer. His legs and lungs burned as he ran for what seemed to be hours, but was probably no more than a few minutes. Blood stains covered his torn, tattered clothes. Mike heard the rustling of the leaves and crackling of twigs grow more faint. Mike thought to himself “is it gone? Have I survived?” In all of his 34 years of life, Mike could never have imagined the gruesome, horrible events he has just seen and been through.

It was a usual Sunday for Mike, his wife Katie and their dog, Sweet Pea. Katie was a beautiful woman. She was tall with an average build. She had long blond hair, soft blue eyes that you could lose yourself in and a smile that made everyone around her feel good. She was a perfect wife. She worked hard as a nurse but always put Mike above all else. Sweet Pea was a beautiful pure bred Black Lab. She was large for a female and always wanted to play and run. She had endless energy and was a faithful companion. Sunday mornings were usually “dog park day” . That is, Mike and Katie would take Sweet Pea to the dog park so she could play with the other dogs and get much needed exercise.

“Honey”, Mike said, “I’m getting sick of going to the dog park.” It wasn’t that he was really sick of the dog park but it was July in Las Vegas, and was ridiculously hot. Mike referred to it as “the pit of hell.” Had he known how hot and unbearable the summers were in Las Vegas, he would have never left the East Coast. He always thought to himself “trading freezing winters for summers that were so hot, they take your breath away isn’t a good trade.“

“But babe, you know Sweet Pea needs her exercise” Katie answered. “It’s not fair that Sweet Pea has to spend all week in a crate and not be able to run around for a while on the weekend.“ Mike and Katie both worked full time during the week and Sweet Pea could not be trusted to be left alone in the house so she had to spend the day in a crate. “I know she needs her exercise, but I was thinking we could do something different. How about we take her to Mount Charleston?“ The temperature was always cooler in the mountains and Mike thought they could make a family day of it. Aside from that, Mike had been very stressed at work lately. He had been unable to sleep or concentrate and he thought the fresh air of the mountains would do him some good. “Awww, come on babe, it takes two hours to drive there and you know how you always complain when you do too much walking.” Katie replied. “Katie, we’ve lived here for two years and have never been to the mountains, it’ll be a beautiful change of scenery, come on, just this once.” Mike said. Katie gave Mike a loving look, her head cocked to the side and her brow raised. Mike knew this look meant he was about to get his way. And sure enough….he did. “Fine” Katie said, “we’ll go to the mountains.” Mike smiled, gave Katie a hug and said “It’s going to be great, we’ll pack a lunch and go hiking. That’ll wear Sweet Pea out.”

This was the only thing Mike could think about as he looked up to the heavens as if God would reach down and get him to safety. “Why didn’t I just listen to Katie?” He thought to himself. “If we would’ve just went to the dog park as usual, we’d be home right now. Sweet Pea would be taking her usual nap on the cool tile floor. Katie would be playing her computer games, and I, well it doesn’t matter what I’d be doing because I wouldn’t be here.” “DAMMIT!” he said aloud as he began to realize this nightmare was his fault. Just as he said that, the faint sounds of the leaves and crackling twigs stopped. Mike realized that his predator may have heard him. Mike’s thoughts returned to survival. There wasn’t time for the blame game. If he was going to get out alive, he needed to focus.

It was a beautiful day for a drive. The sun shone bright and hot, the sky as blue as Katie’s eyes and the clouds as puffy as a bed of snow Mike remembered from back East. The scenery on the way to Mount Charleston was breathtaking. Mike had never seen so many mountains. Tall ones, shorter ones, wide ones and narrow ones. Mike and Katie passed a few bikers on the way to the mountain. “Wow,” Mike thought, “those are some dedicated bikers.” It was 111 degrees in Las Vegas that day. Mike was perfectly content in the cool air conditioned SUV he, Katie and Sweet Pea rode in. Mike was looking forward to the cooler air of the mountain.

.......
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  #2  
Old 10-03-2007, 06:19 AM
Juvenile Sims Juvenile Sims is offline
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Continued....

The big SUV arrived at the great Mount Charleston. Mike, being anxious to get out of the SUV after such a long drive, was impatiently searching for a place to park. He could have just parked at the recreation area but decided to drive further down the road as it was very crowded. “You should’ve just parked with everyone else.“ Katie said. “Did you see how many cars where there?“ Mike asked. “Instead of seeing the beautiful scenery the mountain has to offer, we’d be looking at the backs of people’s heads.“ Katie rolled her eyes as she did anytime Mike stubbornness shone through. “There we go, a perfect spot right there.” Mike said. There was a gravel turn off just off the main road. It looked to be an emergency pull off for vehicles in distress. Mike turned to Katie and said “Well, we’re finally here. Look at it, isn’t it beautiful?” “It’s something alright.” Katie said with a bit of sarcasm. Mike just looked at her and gave her half a smile. “Alright babe, let’s go” he said. He and Katie stepped out of the SUV. Mike walked around to the back to get Sweet Pea as Katie gathered the bags they had packed. “Do we have everything?“ Mike inquired of Katie. “Yep, I think so.“ She replied. They were ready to go. Mike, Katie and Sweet Pea headed toward the foot of the mountain. Mike had to hold Sweet Pea’s leash as her size and power were sometimes overwhelming for Katie. Sweet Pea would take off without notice, a sniff of something in the air got her riled up. They arrived at the foot of the mountain, looked up and Katie said with a smile “I don’t want to hear one complaint about walking, this was your idea after all.” Mike smiled back and shot Katie a wink as if to say “you know I’ll complain.” They began their hike.

Mike sat as still as possible. He feared even his breathing may be too loud so he concentrated on taking long, deep, slow breathes. This was very difficult as he was very out of breath. He thought every sound of the forest was a sign telling his predator where he was. A bird chirped in the tree above making Mike wince believing that was a dead give away as to where he was. The footsteps he once heard grow faint were now growing louder. He knew his outburst was heard. Louder and louder became the quickening footsteps. But, just as quickly as they became louder, they again began to grow faint. “He must’ve gone past me.” Mike thought to himself. All Mike could think of was what happened to his wife and dog. “What if we just parked with the others?” “What if Sweet Pea hadn’t gotten loose?” “What if I would’ve gotten to her before Katie?” were all questions running through Mike’s mind.

As the footsteps faded away, Mike thought he was safe for the moment. He let out a bit of a sigh of relief only to be overcome with the reality of what had happened. He placed his head in his hands and flashbacks of the day’s events were all he could see. “Oh God, all that blood”, he thought to himself. How could something like this have happened? Mike began to weep softly to himself, his blood stained shirt almost mocking him about what had happened. Mike began to pull himself together realizing he still had to get out of there. “OK, now which way did we come in?” Mike thought to himself. Mike took a quick look around and recognized the path to his right. He began to get up, being sure not to make a sound as he was unsure as to the exact whereabouts of his predator. When he finally made it to his feet, a strong sensation came over him. Mike froze. He felt eyes glued on him. Mike then turned around only to realize that his gut was right. There he was, the predator that had taken his wife and dog away from him. Mike looked into his eyes and knew what was coming. He froze, his limbs unable to move. He just closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable.

When Mike opened his eyes, he couldn’t believe what he saw. He was staring at his alarm clock next to his bed. 6:07 in the morning. “It was a dream?” He asked himself aloud. “But it seemed so real.” He could smell the coffee brewing and knew the horror he thought he experienced was just a terrible nightmare. “Wow, those sleeping pills the doctor gave me must be great!” “I got a full night sleep.” Putting the memory of the nightmare in the back of his head, he was ready to get out of bed to tell Katie the good news about sleeping through the night. As Mike made his way to the bathroom, as was his routine every morning, he called for Katie. “Babe” he called, in a tone he only had first thing in the morning. Mike relieved himself and still felt a bit fuzzy and hazy. “Must be a side effect of those pills” he thought to himself. Mike walked to the sink and splashed some water over his face. As the cold, refreshing water dripped off of his face, he was stunned as he looked into the mirror. He was wearing a shirt soaked with blood, just like the one in his dream. Mike gasped. He slowly walked backwards, mouth wide open. “No….no….no….no….it can’t be!”
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Old 10-03-2007, 09:31 AM
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tic tic is offline
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For some reason I was expecting him to wake up to find his dead wife beside him or something, don't know why, got a strange imagination.

But your story did at least make me think about something, so it pretty much works.

Why call the dog "Sweet Pea"? Not exactly a common name for a dog.
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Old 10-03-2007, 07:40 PM
Juvenile Sims Juvenile Sims is offline
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It's my dogs name. And as for the ending, I was going to do that, but I wanted it to follow suit with the rest of the story and not actually have dead bodies revealed. I wanted the ending to have a "Twilight Zone" kinda feel to it.
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