#7491  
Old 01-20-2019, 09:49 AM
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Bloof Bloof is offline
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Morning, I feel that you're grandfather was raised in a different time and a different way. No surprise there. But somehow from what you said, i feel he loves you because he "does right" by you. Thats his way of showing love. But if you feel you want to move on then go for it. Be cordial if they do contact you but dont initiate any contact.
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  #7492  
Old 01-20-2019, 09:58 AM
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Sculpt Sculpt is offline
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Originally Posted by Morningriser View Post
Can I ask you guys a question and get some feedback? Am I wrong for closing that chapter of my life? Since moving here eight months ago I have progressed so much internally. It's not just from the drugs, it's just getting a loan and having to rely on myself 100%. I was scared to be alone at first but now I treasure this time because I have grown so much in such a short amount of time that it is so astonishing that the human brain can do this. I have a long way to go before I would consider myself fully 100% comfortable with who I am but I am well on my way there. I guess I just felt guilt for telling my grandpa how I feel like he has treated me or along with the rest of the family and I told him that I just can't do this anymore because they make me feel like I should be ashamed of who I am, or what I like even.
Are the grandparents you're referring to your dad or mom's parents?

Yes, you would be wrong to cut your grandfather off. No question. He's family, and it doesn't sound like you have a ton of family. You know one person can't be everything for you. Everybody has their deficits. It's not unusual that a grandfather doesn't want to talk about feelings, or in particular doesn't want to engage you when he thinks you're complaining. He likely finds a personal rock in family duty, that's motivating and precious to him, and he'd like to instill that in you. He might not have much 'feelings' talk in him, it's hard to know what people have and what's really difficult for them, just believe he does what he can, he's shown you he loves you, he's helped you out, don't allow yourself to see him as not good enough, that would be hypocritical of you, something you've accused him and your grandma doing to you. Were all just people.

And actually, you're forgetting something, it's their job to be 'parental/disciplinary/critical' to you, especially since they know your parents aren't there for you. You on the other hand don't have an obligation to be 'parental' to them. Your family duty to them is upcoming, when they are going to need family to watch out for them in their old age.

If your grandpa doesn't want to talk about feelings, or about you talking about hardship, that's fine, that's not his area. Instead, talk to him about the positive things, the positive changes, things you've achieved and are thinking about achieving. This might be his area, he might have a lot to share with you in that area. Great time to try it out.
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Last edited by Sculpt; 01-20-2019 at 10:03 AM.
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  #7493  
Old 01-20-2019, 11:27 AM
Morningriser Morningriser is offline
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Originally Posted by Sculpt View Post
Yes, I can address the neckbeard thing. I first ran into it when a couple of online forum Bears fans derogatorily called the QB Kyle Orton 'neckbeard'. Personally, I don't think it's something dudes would bother talking about each other. There's evidently a customary way to cut the beard which ends at the bottom or underneath the jaw line and no hair on the neck. In this, hair on the neck would be considered unkempt, disheveled... something unintended and disregarded. It's not that hair on the neck can't be a grooming choice, it wouldn't be a common one, but there you go.


What did you do that with? It's really good. I like it.
Photoshop haha. I wish I could paint stuff like that but I've never been good at it. I've always been decent with Photoshop though. I worked on that off and on little by little because I didn't want to get in a rush and mess it up. Now that I'm done with it I still see more that I could do but for the most part that's what took me Beyond. I've been doing some research and I think that might actually be my spirit animal. Dragons represent balance and are very wise, Brave, and nurturing but can also fight with everything in them for what they believe in.
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  #7494  
Old 01-20-2019, 11:41 AM
Morningriser Morningriser is offline
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My grandparents I'm talking about are my mother's parents and yes, I don't have much family. My father's family has nothing to do with me and my mother's brother and his whole family have nothing to do with me either. I understand completely or everyone is coming from about how he was raised and how he shows emotions but at the same time I feel like he is showing so much favoritism towards these people who used to make fun of my mother for being an alcoholic, for the fact that my cousin, who is in her 30s, still buys alcohol for high school kids she has no connection with simply so she can stay popular amongst teenagers in a town she grew up in that she doesn't even live in anymore because she moved a whole state away but her popularity is still something she needs to keep for some reason. It's shit like that, they act like they're so fucking great and every little thing I do is held against me and anytime I try to defend myself or speak out against them for it my grandfather makes me feel like I should be completely ashamed of myself. I am so sick of living in a fucking world where people can do and say what they want to me but the minute I try to defend myself I get shut down for it.

Any way, I understand everything both of you said and I love my grandpa, I really do but you have to understand that they held me back so much it totally fuck me up. They had me believing the world was this one certain way when it wasn't. I was young and damaged and basically anybody that wanted to take a hold of me and manipulate me in any way they wanted could. I was way too naive and gullible and too afraid to think for myself and stand up for myself until all the damage was done and now in the last eight months I have been working on 37 years of damage that was all done because people like my grandparents made me feel like I was a freak, the music I listen to was bad and dangerous and not allowed in their house and the clothing I wore was highly offencive for Christians or to be seen by Christian eyes. But yet being in your thirties and supplying children you don't even really know with alcohol just to stay popular with high school kids it's not only illegal as fuck but apparently a good thing if my grandpa is going to get pissed off at me for bringing that up. I guess that he probably just doesn't want us fighting with each other but like I said, they are the perfect family and I'm the fucking Whipping Boy. I have always been but not anymore. I had blocked him on Facebook but I unblocked him and apologized and explained to him how I feel exactly like I have done so many times before so I'm just waiting for him to get back online and bitched me out or block me or do one of the few other generic things he does as long as he doesn't have to tell me how he actually feels.

Last edited by Morningriser; 01-20-2019 at 11:56 AM.
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  #7495  
Old 01-21-2019, 08:23 AM
Morningriser Morningriser is offline
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I guess yesterday I didn't get things out of the clear as I should have. I don't want to cut my grandpa out of my life but he has done a lot of damage to me. For example, my grandmother was dead for two days before he even told me despite the fact that she was more of a mother to me than my own was and since I didn't know she was dead, my girlfriend at the time and I had went about 7 hours away to the beach and had just got there that night, the night before the funeral, we were both exhausted and had a very tired and very agitated baby with us and because I couldn't make it back to the funeral in time, most of the family despises me because of it. And another thing, when I was a child, my mother was with this crazy ass redneck who beat the holy fuck out of both of us almost every day and my grandparents knew what was going on but they never stepped in until the proof stare them right in the face and they couldn't ignore anymore, my blood all over the floor and walls in my mom's house from when he damn near killed me, and the proof all over my face which they could no longer ignore because it had gotten out what had happened so they had to actually take action. I guess I forgot to leave those things out yesterday as to why I hold so much hatred and anger and built-up negative energy about this. It's like I'm the one they all focused their bad feelings on, not just my grandpa but my entire family who won't even tell me why they don't like me and leave me to believe it's because I wasn't as popular as my cousins. I know that sounds ridiculous but in a town like Grundy Virginia, that's actually religion. Last night I sent my grandpa a pretty lengthy message on Facebook explaining to him why I felt why I did and since nobody seems to care about throwing shit in my face and trying to make me feel bad I reminded him that they just let me get beaten almost to death and then didn't even tell me about my grandmother dying until I messaged him two days later and asked him how she was doing before I even found out anyting. I even told him that I hope he does feel like shit for once because somebody other than me deserves to. And you know what? I actually feel great about it. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. And I am not sorry in the least bit for what I said either.

Edit: I don't want anyone to think I'm depressed or on the verge of a breakdown or anything because I kind of realized that's how this sounds. I am fine as far as that goes while I will admit I am a bit frustrated though. I have done a lot of internal evolving since I got out of Virginia in such a short time that it is quite astonishing actually. I know the psychedelics have a lot to do with how I'm able to start putting things into perspective and work towards finding an internal balance between my fiercely aggressive passion or the fact that I can be a straight-up hothead sometimes and my overly sensitive side that has let so many people take advantage of me for so long and find a way where I can make the good work with the bad in a way that makes me able to empathize but also protect and defend without fear that was there before but doesn't seem to be now.

Last edited by Morningriser; 01-21-2019 at 10:47 AM.
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  #7496  
Old 01-22-2019, 09:46 PM
Morningriser Morningriser is offline
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Well I was going to wait until somebody else posted in this damn thread before I posted anything else, but I'm too fucking excited about this one. This time seven years ago I weighed 350 lb. 8 months ago I weighed 220 lb. 3 months ago I weighed 200 lb. And today...
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Last edited by Morningriser; 01-22-2019 at 09:55 PM.
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  #7497  
Old 01-23-2019, 05:27 AM
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hammerfan hammerfan is offline
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Originally Posted by Morningriser View Post
Well I was going to wait until somebody else posted in this damn thread before I posted anything else, but I'm too fucking excited about this one. This time seven years ago I weighed 350 lb. 8 months ago I weighed 220 lb. 3 months ago I weighed 200 lb. And today...
Congratulations!
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  #7498  
Old 01-23-2019, 07:17 AM
Morningriser Morningriser is offline
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Thank you! I was so damn excited yesterday! This is the first time I have been under 200 lb in like 25 years so this was an emotional and very exciting and rewarding moment for me.
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  #7499  
Old 01-23-2019, 04:59 PM
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cheebacheeba cheebacheeba is offline
What the shit?!?

 
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Props, man.
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  #7500  
Old 01-23-2019, 08:08 PM
Morningriser Morningriser is offline
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Props, man.
Thanks cheebs! I have been so damn proud of myself lately. I mean since I have moved out here my life has completely started turning around in such a positive way. I'm physically healthier, I have reached a point of subconscious understanding where I am able to deal with and let go of things from my past.

I've been stressed a little lately though because every time I get on Facebook all I see are Donald Trump supporters and haters blowing up on each other just for saying hello and me being extremely empathic as is, it breaks my heart to see the way our own people are treating each other when our government is purposely trying to destroy us.

Anyway, back on point, I have noticed myself gaining so much more confidence as of late like my psychedelic experience at the beginning of the month has put my brain in this beautiful overdrive and has begun reconstructing my ego to make me stronger, more confident and far less passive than I have ever been. I love this new me! I can still get worked up and be a hothead at times but I'm working on finding a balance between my aggressive side and my sensitive side.

I kind of wish now I had never asked on here the other day about the whole thing with my grandpa because I realized that if I had to ask here, without being able to make the decision on my own, then the answer was no, I shouldn't cut my grandfather out of my life. However, a lot from my past I buried away in my subconscious has been coming back to me lately of things my grandfather did to me in the past or things he neglected to do that he could have and I just realized that he really doesn't give a shit about me beyond his self interpreted obligations as my grandfather, which I believe is a promise he was making to either my mother or my grandmother to not let anything happen to me. For example, when I was still in high school, I went with my mom and her husband out to Bristol, Tennessee, which is about two and a half hours from where I used to live. They got arrested for being drunk in public and my grandparents had to come get me. The entire way home my grandfather yelled and screamed at like everything was my fault which he had never done, and scared the hell out of my grandmother, which I had never seen him do. Then, when I was younger than that, my mother was with a guy who beat the fuck out of both of us on a regular basis and my grandparents knew it but they never stepped in until there was a night when her boyfriend busted my face up really bad. It was horribly bruised, both of my eyes were blackened, and I had a huge gash on my chin. My blood was all over the place in my mother's house and would you know it, since there was physical evidence of the abuse, my grandparents decided to step in and save face. Then as if that's not enough, when my grandmother died, it was on a Friday, and everybody knew that my girlfriend at the time and I were driving down to Myrtle Beach on that Sunday. No one called or messaged me on Facebook or emailed me to tell me that my grandmother had died. I didn't know anything happened at all until we got to the beach late Sunday night and I sent my grandfather a message on Facebook and asked him how she was doing and he told me she died Friday and her funeral was that next morning. There was no way in hell we would have had enough time to get back and we were exhausted on top of that so I didn't get to go to the funeral and now everyone hates me for it. Even my mother, who actually died six months later from drinking herself to death, threatened to kill me if she ever saw me again.

So I tried talking to my grandfather about this and telling him how I felt and how I feel like he has treated me and not only would he never let me even get anything out, all he could ever tell me is that everything was in my head which I am not stupid and it insults my intelligence so much that he would not only refuse to own up to all the shit he has done to me, but to say that I'm making it up? Hell, I've even been talking to my best friend since the fourth grade about this and even he had seen the things that were going on but he just never wanted to tell me because he knew I probably wouldn't believe him and would end up despising him for it, and he's right. I always held my grandfather on this pedestal like he was the greatest thing ever. I looked at him as my real father because he has done more for me then my real father or mother ever
did for me. It is true he has helped me out so much but giving someone money and helping them out financially, and loving them and showing them you care are two completely different things. So needless to say, after I told him how I felt he blocked me on Facebook. They never accepted me. They all hated my father and my father's family because of the way my father treated my mother. He put her in the hospital so many times and he even raped my babysitter which is what led to his suicide basically. My dad's family are pieces of shit. They turn their backs on me years and years ago. They always denied my dad ever laid a hand on her even though I saw so much. Since I came out of that marriage though, I feel like my mother's family despised me because I came from my father. They all knew how much I hurt over the years. I was really close with my cousins before high school. My older cousin, Amy, was a senior when I was a freshman and at school would completely avoid me. Then once I was a senior, my cousin Gregory was a freshman and he avoided me at school. After all of us graduated, they never had anything else to do with me. I mean they would talk to me if I talked to them but that was it and then after my grandmother died the entire family went ghost on me. No matter how many times I tried to talk to them and ask them what they had against me they ignored me. They didn't even acknowledge me. Then when I would talk to my grandfather to try to find something out, like clockwork, it's all in my head and I'm feeling sorry for myself despite the fact that phrase has nothing to do with anything, that was always one of his go to phrases for whatever it was I was trying to talk to him about.

Right now I am very hurt and I am very angry. I guess I always had it in my head because my grandfather was my grandfather, he could do no wrong. I think he counted on me basically staying dumb and with all of my repressed feelings locked away until he was long gone but luckily for me, I am evolving and since I finally stood up to him and tried to get some sort of closure or answer or anyting, it's all in my head. So yeah, fuck him and fuck that family. They are all dead to me and I just need to accept that the only people who ever truly did love me are gone and I will never get them back.
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