Vodstok's [i]Gloom[/i]: A critical discussion

[Stingy Jack]

A good and appropriate conflict for this story --- if you don't mind me providing example -- would be to make your protagonist young and inexperienced. In fact, you've already established that he "just completed training for search and rescue". But I would go even farther and say that he had just completed his training entirely. In fact, his stint in the military is his first time away from home. Imagine that --- little experience outside of training, and being abandoned in an alien existence before you've even had a chance to develop any world experience in your own plane. This would be good -- but, I need to ask you a question before I continue. How long do you plan on making this story, and do you plan on having other characters for your protagonist to communicate with?

The reason why I ask is that, if you plan on making this actual novel length, then your protagonist had better start to become pretty interesting pretty quick. He has to be interesting enough to carry a whole novel by himself! So, I was surprised when you killed off his entire squad. The main difference between a novel and novella is characters -- not length. A novel's length is like it is because the many characters force it to be long. I would really like to see some survivors for this character to interact with.

[Stingy Jack]

Crap! You posted before I was finished! Now I have to go back and respond to what you wrote. And you make some great points! How do I know it's a he??? If it turns out be a she, then you have slapped me in the face and shown me how I tend to stereotype people. And an author that can teach me something about myself is a good author indeed! :D Unfortunately, I am out of cigarettes. I need to make a run to the store, but I will be back momentarily!

[Vodstok]

Remeber just before they enetered? gates were springing open allover the place. Dont you worry, there will be plenty of interactions with other characters.

The basic idea for this story is that it is a continuous serial, kind of like the old Lone Ranger shows. That doesnt mean there isnt an end, it is just way off.

The way i had envisioned it, the character is vague in the beginning: basically overwhelmed with the events that start the whole thing off. By the 2nd chapter, he/she has had some time to reflect, and we find out who they are, what they were doing, what was left behind, etc.

i also imagine that would be where the character would realise the full weight of what has transpired. From then on, we would have a full-fledged charcter that the reader should be able to identify with.

And on the descriptions of the weapons/vehicles etc. A big gripe i have had with a lot of science fiction is the overwelming amount of detail given to equipment while the story peeters along on a thin line. Just trying to avoid what i considered a bad cliche :)

[Stingy Jack]

I agree on the overwhelming amount of techno-babble. It is really only needed when you are introducing new technology that the reader may not be familiar with. But, if your protagonist is a soldier, then he/she should talk like one. Even if the reader doesn't know what exactly a BFG-2000 is, we will know that it is a rifle of some kind by the other words that we do know (butt and stock). I do think that the introduction is rushed. I understand you wanting the reader to question a lot of things, and to leave those questions unanswered for a while (after all, that's what suspense is all about! And it makes for a good read). But, there is a thing called "suspension of disbelief" that horror writers in particular have to pay close attention to. We, as readers, need to believe that the unnatural things that are occurring are actually happening. Otherwise, we are too detached from the story for it to be effective. Most horror authors will begin their stories with completely natural events, and then gradually introduce elements of the supernatural. This way, the reader finds himself completely immersed in a horrific, supernatural tale and believing it, before he has had a chance to realize what happened. This is Lovecraft's style. Your story, however, starts with a character who is stranded in a place that he calls "Gloom". Okay, I guess I have to accept that he is there. But how did he get there? That's the big question! Your explanation, though, is rushed as well. "One day ... a pinhole opened between Gloom and our world." That's it. Then you go on to describe the scientists checking it out, and the first team of scientists enter only to get fucked up the ass. But, you have done nothing to aid me in suspending my disbelief. I gave you the opening ... the soldier is in Gloom. But, then you give very little aid in helping me to believe that a pinhole opened somewhere on the city's outskirts. Personally, I wouldn't have told the discovery of the pinhole from the viewpoint of the narrator. He wasn't there, so his telling of it is totally second-hand knowledge. This contributes to the problem. If you want us to believe something, you have to take us there, first hand. I would tell that part of the story through the point of view of a third-person omniscient narrator. Maybe make this part your prologue. Have your omniscient narrator describe the guy who is stumbling about the railroad tracks doing whatever it is that he is doing there (looking for cans, checking for faults in the rails, whatever. But it should be completely natural actions). Then he hears something, a humming ... or sees a shadow behind some trees ... and goes to check it out. He makes his discovery, calls the police. The scientists come ... show all this. Have the scientists discuss what they think it is. I know it is boring exposition stuff, but I think it might be necessary. You can always write all the good stuff first, then go back and hack out the not-so-fun, setting-up-the-story stuff. There is nothing wrong with shifting the point of the view of the story, either ... so don't be afraid of that. Faulkner's As I Lay Dying and The Sound and the Fury shift viewpoints with every chapter! Write your prologue from third-person omniscient, then the rest of the novel in first person. But, that's just a suggestion.

I was going to say something else, but I forgot what it was. Give me a minute.

[Stingy Jack]

Oh yeah! I was going to talk about theme. But, I'll wait for your response before I move on to another topic.

[Vodstok]

As a I writer and a musician (ive acted some too) I crave feedback the way a junkie craves smack. This is great :)

I was really apprehensive about shifting perspective, but as soon as you listed examples, it felt better at least. i'm not 100% sure about that though. i really wanted to keep it in 1rst person. I know it has a great deal of inherent challenges, but that is partially why.

Do you think if i fleshed out the beginning more, i could achieve a better semblance of what you described, without sacrificing the first person perspective? Keeping it 1rst person (i think) keeps it more intimate.

[Stingy Jack]

Yes, I think you could. I think the main problem here is that you begin both stories with a completely unnatural event to launch your tale (the soldier lost in Gloom, and the pinhole opening in the city). There just isn't enough blending between the natural and the unnatural to make it believable ... and all the blending that is done is told in a retrospective summary, which doesn't help. You can tell it in retrospect, but have the narrator limit his story to what he knows. When he begins to tell us how he got there, take us to him living his natural life to a few moments before he learns about the existence of the pinhole. Does he see it on the news? Does he not learn about it until the pre-mission briefing? Maybe he watches it unfold in the news, and knows that he will soon get the dreaded call to duty. Whatever ... but there needs to be more blending. You need to start off with natural events, and gradually introduce the unnatural. Show the narrator's struggle with accepting that this thing has really happened, and in this way you give the reader a crutch on which to base his own struggle with believing your story. You follow?

[Stingy Jack]

I'll be back in a bit. I just got an email from my wife asking me to call her.

[Vodstok]

Yes i do. When i get a writing contract, i am hiring you as my coach. :)

I think the biggest hurdle i would face would be getting past my desire to use that opening line in the prelude. I just always liked it. The first line is always the hardest.

I definately get what you are saying, though. Have you ever read Jerusalem's lot? The original short story by stephen king? It is entirely done in letters by the protagonist. It starts off normal, then grows, slowly, into a supernatural story. it was very well written.

how is this? I bet i could write a whole new prelude, modify the existing one into a first chapter, and rename chapter 1 chapter 2.

[Stingy Jack]

Actually, you can modify the existing prelude ... but I think it's fine if you start it off with your soldier lost in Gloom. Your opening line is great. Very attention getting (which is the purpose of an opening line). But, it's a bit confusing, the way it is written. Let's look at it.

"Echoes of screams. An endless cacophony that reverberates in my mind every time I close my eyes. A tiny glimmer of hope dangled before my eyes like a carrot on a string. "

I take it the echoes are your soldier's memory of the screams he heard while his comrades were being slaughtered. Very good. You take us right into his head, and hint to us that he has been through something horrible. But the last sentence is the one that throws me. What is the tiny glimmer of hope that is dangled before his eyes (I am only referring to your soldier as a "he" for the sake of simplicity. It is too much trouble to type he/she all the time)? The way it is written, it sounds as if the echoes of screams are the tiny glimmer of hope. But that doesn't make a lot of sense.

Actually, I would eliminate the word prelude altogether. You really only use prologues if you are going to give the reader a glimpse of something that he may need to know before the story starts, and that you will get back to in more detail later. But, since your actual story starts off with your soldier lost in Gloom, then I think you should change the prelude to Chapter 1. Write it out in detail. Have him tell us what has happened to him since he got here, describing the setting, the atrocities, all of that. Maybe he is low on ammo, but he managed to find a temporary sanctuary to rest. Then, end this chapter with him deciding to give us the backstory. Move into Chapter 2 with the events that led up to the character's position at the beginning of Chapter 1. When you get to that point, you can move in to Chapter 3, back to the character and where you left him at the end of Chapter 1.

How does that sound?



;) ;) ;) ;)