Hey YOU- Read my story!

[Egekrusher]

http://www.horror.com/forum/showthre...&threadid=8380

[Stingy Jack]

Holy shit! I need to read your story!

[Egekrusher]

Yeah, actually, I was kinda directing this at you. :)

[Stingy Jack]

Oh. Ya coulda PMed me you know! :D Sorry. I've been in "long-post" mode all morning, at the Bush/Kerry thread.

[Vodstok]

No WAY! :D

[Egekrusher]

Comments would be good too. It's had 23 views with no comments. :(

Being my first chapter of my first story ever written, I really need input.

[Stingy Jack]

Ege, I read your story. :) Do you want me to put the input here, or on your story thread? I don't know if you want the thread to remain free of comments so that you can seamlessly post your whole story.

[Stingy Jack]

Well, I guess you are still at lunch, Ege. I'll go ahead and post my response here since I need to get going (this thread could always be moved).

I really like this story, so far. Surprising enough, I am honestly looking forward to reading the rest of it! I like your setting, your protagonist, and the fact that you set up the creepiness right away (the old house, the loner, the mysterious and gruesome apparitions). You do a great job with the basics of good storytelling, and I think you should really stick to it.

The criticisms I have are all small, technical things:

1) I think you move a little too fast. I would not have said so if this was a short story, but since you have divided it up into chapters, I am assuming that it is a novel. With a novel, you do not need to rush. Take your time to describe things a bit more. For example, your protagonist falls asleep and, we assume, he has a nightmare because he wakes up screaming. Why not show us this nightmare? You have the time to do it, and it will give us a chance, as readers, to get into your character's head even more. This is just an example.

2) Crap, I have to leave to go shopping. My wife is pulling the "I'm walking out the door!" maneuver. I will type more when I return.

[Egekrusher]

1. You will read more about his nightmares later, there's still a lot more character development to do and his nightmares are going to play a vital part of the story.

2. Shitty.

[Stingy Jack]

Okay, I'm back.

My first point from my previous post isn't really all that important. It is mainly concerned with story details that can be added after the rough draft is written, so I wouldn't be so concerned about that stuff just yet. However, if the nightmares play a major role in the story, you should at least provide a brief description of each of them.

My second and final criticism is more important and immediate, since it deals with the way in which you have begun to develop your character. I am drawn most specifically to this quote:

"I just can’t relate to people anymore. I find them repulsively primitive, unable to control their emotions and instincts. They hear no reason unless you beat it into them, which I have never been very good at. A slightly modified line from a country song says it best; “When it comes to brains they got the short end of the stick”. I know that this is a horrible attitude, but it is one that is being reinforced every day that I’m on this God-forsaken planet. Road rage, riots, parents killing their children, children killing their parents, even children shooting other children- all of it has proven to me how utterly hopeless this world is."

If I remember correctly, you posted these exact same words in a thread here, at the general forum, as your own thoughts. This leads me to believe that this particular aspect of your protagonist is one that you have invested a great amount of your own personality in, and, therefore, is perhaps the most important. This is fine, but we, as readers, find it hard to swallow that your protagonist really feels this way ... no matter how much you want us to believe it. This is because when we first meet your protagonist, he is engaged in the rather unreasonable and emotion-driven act of voyeurism, coupled with masturbation. Most readers, including myself, will think this performance is rather base and vile on the part of the protagonist. This association we have with him prevents us to believe that he abhors people who are "unable to control their emotions and instincts" to the point that he has isolated himself from society. If he is truly intelligent, then a little introspection on his part would cause him to realize that those things he hates in others are also present within himself, thus causing him to be a tad more forgiving.

But, perhaps you want him to become a walking contradiction. This is fine, if it is your intent. The only thing that makes me think it is not intentional is that I know you take the words I quoted to heart, and that you want us to identify with this aspect of your character. However, as I have said, his actions at the beginning of the story prevent us from doing so.

Other than that, I am sincere when I say I look forward to reading the rest of the story. I'm really intrigued by this character, and want to see where you take us with him. Keep it up! :)