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#1
08-12-2005, 06:12 PM
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Holy Matrimony
Marriage (PART l)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ...whether you're here or not." Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last" Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "Why were you in bed so early?" "I was getting a second opinion!" Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
__________________
...  If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance...Baffle 'em with bullshit My Karma ran over my Dogma God WAS my co-pilot...But, we crashed in the mountains and...I had to eat him I'm suffocating in what's become of me... The rancid remains of what I used to be 
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#2
08-12-2005, 06:28 PM
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LMFAO!!!!:D
__________________
you're kidding right?
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#5
08-13-2005, 09:54 AM
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There is 3 kinds of sex in a marriage.
House sex-when your first married you have sex in every room of the house. Bedroom sex-after you have been married for a while you only have sex in the bedroom Hallway sex-you walk down the hall bump into each other and say "FUCK YOU"
__________________
I was not born to live a mans life, but to be the stuff of future memory. 3 can keep a secret if 2 are dead. I've never been nice my whole life....but, I'll do my best to be sweet. I keep my standards low, so I'm never disappointed. The next words out of your mouth better be some Mark Twain shit, cos' I am going to be chiseling it on your tombstone. Trample the weak, Hurdle the dead. Forgive your enemies......after they are slain. The God I believe in aint short of cash mister.
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#6
08-13-2005, 09:55 AM
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I can't wait to get married... I just gotta find the right woman.
Like the kind of woman who'll let me say the grossest wedding vows ever.
__________________
MISINTUPITATED- The act of removing the spine by use of fire. DEVESTED- The removal of one's vest. SCTUPP- To deficate on a woman after nonconsensual sex.
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#8
08-13-2005, 12:36 PM
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Quote:
BTW, BR...funny stuff :)
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#10
08-13-2005, 12:41 PM
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Quote:
:p
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