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#22
10-29-2007, 09:12 PM
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If Rod doesn't mind I'll post what he said.
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#23
10-30-2007, 11:09 AM
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im eagerly waiting to read what rod said....
i liked it but get what others have said, needs tightening up... but dont listen to me seriously, its got a lot of potential when its re-written or reviewed
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#24
10-30-2007, 11:19 AM
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I actually deleted the PM accidently so I can't post what he said.
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#25
10-30-2007, 11:23 AM
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awwww dude.... dont you have a memory... slightly of it... at all
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#26
10-30-2007, 11:42 AM
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I said that he said it was a messy cliche and I need to tighten it up, develop the characters, and stuff like that.
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#27
10-30-2007, 11:49 AM
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coolies will ya inform us when you do your next draft of it... id like to read it again when you've made changes.
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#28
10-30-2007, 01:29 PM
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Fine, here it is:
I read it and I have quite a few problems with it. I'm offering this critique and I hope you take it all as constructive criticism, to help you perfect your craft. I like the idea of killers on the road...the delusional representation of the dead girlfriend, but the story goes nowhere. There is no beginning-middle-end flow to it. And I understand it's a short piece, but even a short piece needs a story arc. I didn't find anything particularly compelling about your characters. If you're writing about the bad guy, you still need to find a way to make him sympathetic or you lose your audience. Sometimes a heavy dose of Charisma is all it takes. Try to find your Characters' nuances and quirks in your next pass on the script. Your form is difficult to read, but that's easily remedied by proper use of form. First, your "scenes" cover too many scenes. To differentiate one location from the next, do it like this. EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT INT. BATHROOM - GAS STATION - NIGHT All these scenes occur in your first "scene." Breaking them up like this allows you to detail each scene, controls the pacing and makes it easier for the reader to follow. Next, avoid using directing terms in the script. The camera should not be mentioned. Simply describe the scene. Directors never want a writer to tell them how a scene should be shot, so it is important to not "direct from the keyboard." I would suggest researching the standard screenplay format. I'll send you a .pdf of one of my old scripts if you'd like to see how I started off. All in all I think the piece is a messy cliche, but that isn't always terrible. The mess can be cleaned up. Cliches exist because they work, but they work best when they are turned on their ear. I'm glad you're writing. It's an awesome thing. But don't think it'll come out great the first time. Writing is a process...and it's all about doing it over and over. I've written 24 feature-length screenplays and I'm still learning how to write - and I still crank out 2-3 bad scripts for every good one. Keep it up. A writer writes. Sean __________________
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"Little, vicious minds abound with anger and revenge, and are incapable of feeling the pleasure of forgiving their enemies." Earl of Chesterfield "A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green, which otherwise would heal and do well." Francis Bacon
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#29
11-04-2007, 11:23 AM
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I liked it and the first scene was excellent. The only things I'd correct is some of the dialogue. It seems a bit unrealistic. Other than that it's good. I can imagine it very clearly, although, why is there a picture of Skylar on the missing persons wall? And why didn't the guy in the shop interfere with any of it?
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 The Ferrets like it...
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#30
11-06-2007, 12:12 AM
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Here is what it looks like after I did a bit of work on the dialogue.
MISSING PERSONS EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT The scene opens to a dark night. A highway is in shot. Only the light of the highway brightens the scene. A pair of headlights is seen coming on screen. From a distance the car drives towards the camera passing some stores and a restaurant. The camera closes in on the car and then scene switches. Two teens are riding in the car. One is a male and one is a female. They are smoking a nice sized joint. INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS SKYLAR Baby this shit is good isn’t it? She passes the joint back to the male. VINCENT (looks at SKYLAR coldly) It’s not bad. But I Hope we find a place to crash soon, cuz I’m dead tired. SKYLAR Yeah I am ready to pull over and call it a night. VINCENT nods and then rests his head. In a matter of seconds he is already out cold. SKYLAR turns the knob of the radio on and puts some music on. Playing is Stereomud’s Stepping Away. She continues to drive. EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT Ahead we see a gas station. She turns on her turn signal and begins to turn into the gas station. She pulls up and gets out of the car. She puts the pump into the tank and then goes towards the store attached to the gas station. She approaches what seems to be a bathroom. INT. GAS STATION BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS She enters and it’s a small beat up looking bathroom. She enters a stall and pulls out a vile of coke. It is already cut up as she makes a line right on the toilet paper dispenser. She takes a big hit and then bends her head back to let it rush. She seems already messed up as it hits her. SKYLAR My dealer was right this blow is amazing. She rubs her nose and packs up her coke vile. She puts it into her hand bag. When she looks back up, she screams as she sees VINCENT standing behind her. SKYLAR (Startled) Vincent….what the fuck!!?? VINCENT Sorry I scared you babe. SKYLAR That’s ok baby, did you come inside to do some of this with me? SKYLAR rubs some of the coke on VINCENT’S lips and licks the powder off his lips, while pressing against him, oblivious to the cold, pained look on his face. VINCENT (taking her face in his hands) Skylar, I need to ask you something? SKYLAR You wanna do this blow with me? VINCENT No, I want to know if you love me? SKYLAR (now kissing his hand, the coke taking effect, doesn’t notice his eyes staring intently into hers) Vinnie baby (pauses) you know I (eyes move from VINCENT’S) love... As the word love leaves her lips, VINCENT backhands her, sending her sprawling to the floor. Holding her jaw, SKYLAR watches in mute horror as VINCENT walks towards the bathroom door and locks it. VINCENT Wrong answer! You see Skylar I know all about the little secret you’ve been hiding from me! VINCENT notices SKYLAR trying to get up, and he kicks her in the stomach, sending her back to the ground. SKYLAR V- Vince, Wh-what the hell are you talking about? I haven’t been hiding anything from you! Hearing this, VINCENT grabs SKYLAR by the throat, slams her against the wall, lifts her off her feet, and begins choking her. VINCENT Still?! Still you lie to me? How can you straight up say that to my face when I know all about it. I am not stupid! I promised you the world. Why do you think I brought you along with me? We were going to become the modern day Bonnie and Clyde but you just had to do it didn’t you! The scene will be inter-cut with close-ups of SKYLAR being choked, VINCENT’S eyes, and her feet dangling off the ground until there is a low gurgle, and then VINCENT, realizing what he just did slowly lowers her to the ground, kisses her on the forehead, and takes a small box out of his pocket. VINCENT opens the box, takes the object out, and the camera sees him tie an engagement ring to a black piece on string, which he then wears as a necklace. As VINCENT washes his hands, he hears another car pulling up to the gas station, and he peers out of the door. CUT TO: EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT Another car begins to pull into the gas station. It is another two teens. One is a male and the other a female. The male gets out to pump the gas. He notices the car in front of them. The car door is ajar. The male walks up to the car. He looks inside noticing pictures on the driver’s seat. One of them is crumbled up. He picks them up looking at them. The pictures consist of SKYLAR doing drugs, her killing someone, her dancing around with a bottle of Ever Clear, and finally of her kissing another man. **FLASHBACK SEQUENCE BEGINS** We see a tall, stocky man carrying a case of beer. He is walking towards a house. He knocks on the door and waits a moment. The door opens and we see SKYLAR. She smiles as the man enters. The screen fades to black. It fades back in to clothes on the ground scattered around. It fades out again. Fade back in to see SKYLAR and this mystery man kissing. Fade out. **FLASHBACK SEQUENCE ENDS** The scene cuts back to the man at the car. He seems shocked at what he sees. He begins to back up and he sees something in the back seat. It is a dead body in the back seat of the car. He begins to frantically stumble backward. REBECCA Steve what the hell is wrong? STEVE Nothing Becca, get in the car now! REBECCA But what is it? CUT TO:
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