#1  
Old 03-18-2015, 04:39 AM
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Astral_Absynthe Astral_Absynthe is offline
Scares Little Kids
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 17
The Room II

Yvonne Ortiz is surrounded by darkness. All that she hears is the slimy tentacles as they wrap themselves around her body. Strange that she hasn’t been strangled yet. This is so disgusting. She’s always despised slimy creatures like squids and octopuses. Perhaps you can call it a phobia.

While struggling to break free, a dim light shines on the creature. Mother of God. It’s a giant octopus! Unbelievably gigantic….she shivers with fear and lets out a blood curdling scream. The creature’s moan is deafening. Yvonne’s ears ring afterwards and now she sees the creature opening its mouth. It drools and pulls her quickly. She yells, “No! No! Wait!!!”

Yvonne gets devoured by the monstrous octopus. She is surrounded by darkness again. The thought of being dissolved by stomach acids is too much for her to handle and she begins to hyperventilate. Minutes later, she passes out from the stress.

Yvonne awakens to find herself in what seems to be a long hallway with doors on each side. The florescent lights flicker and she sees the scurrying of rats and cockroaches. The stench of spoiled food and cat litter is just over powering her. She proceeds to slowly walk down the hallway.

Yvonne decides to open the door on her left. She covers her mouth in utter shock. A man is sitting on a chair while being eaten alive by five year old children. One of the kids chews off his penis and blood squirts in all directions. The man doesn’t seem bothered by this, however. In fact, he seems to be enjoying it!

Yvonne slams the door shut and begins crying hysterically. She yells, “What is this?!?”

No use crying. Gotta find a way out of this nightmare. Is it a nightmare? No…the putrid stench is just too strong for this to be a nightmare. She continues walking. Now, she gazes at the doors with a sense of dread.

There is one door that grabs her attention. A strange flickering of light can be seen emanating from the bottom of it. Yvonne stands in front of the door and hesitates for a moment. Will this be worse than what she saw before? She needs to gather up the courage if she wants to escape, though.

Yvonne turns the door knob until a click is heard. She opens it and sees a grimy room with a wooden table in the center. Out of curiousity, she enters the room. The door slams shut which makes her quickly turn around. To her shock, the door has disappeared. She looks up and observes the flickering light bulb attached to an extension cord as it sways back and forth.
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  #2  
Old 03-18-2015, 07:37 AM
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Jake.Ashworth Jake.Ashworth is offline
No Tears Please...
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Wentzville, MO
Posts: 1,103
These are just some quick notes. I love the story and the full circle, its a blast. There are a few things I would point out below. Otherwise keep it up, its great. Take everything I say with a grain of salt and don't think you have to change anything just because I suggest, I may not know what Im talking about either.

Quote:
She’s always despised slimy creatures like squids and octopuses.
I think you can remove the "like squids and octopuses." I see your trying to set up the coming revelation, but I think it may be to revealing and take away from the tension.

Quote:
While struggling to break free, a dim light shines on the creature.
From where? Just a suggestion but giving a source for the light helps the reader know what we are seeing.

Quote:
The creature’s moan is deafening. Yvonne’s ears ring afterwards and now she sees the creature opening its mouth. It drools and pulls her quickly. She yells, “No! No! Wait!!!”
This may be a good place to add some description of the mouth. Make it intense and scary but realistic.

Quote:
A man is sitting on a chair while being eaten alive by five year old children.
Maybe drop the "five year old". Upon opening a door and catching something shocking, she probably wouldn't be assessing age.

Quote:
One of the kids chews off his penis and blood squirts in all directions.
This doesn't bother me, as I love gore. But it would be considered to much if you ever tried to send it in to contests or get it put in an anthology. Just a heads up.
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  #3  
Old 03-18-2015, 07:44 AM
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Astral_Absynthe Astral_Absynthe is offline
Scares Little Kids
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 17
That's just what I'm looking for. A different point of view than my own. I have friends and family but of course they're going to praise it....lol. Thank you!!! :)
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Old 03-18-2015, 07:58 AM
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Jake.Ashworth Jake.Ashworth is offline
No Tears Please...
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Wentzville, MO
Posts: 1,103
Absolutely! I look forward to the revision.
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