Vodstok's [i]Gloom[/i]: A critical discussion

[Stingy Jack]

First of all, have you read the His Dark Materials trilogy by Philip Pullman? The similarities are uncanny.

[Vodstok]

No i havent. is that a compliment?

[Stingy Jack]

Well, your writing styles are different. But, the "pinhole to another world" idea is the one that Pullman's trilogy revolves around. And the description of this hole is almost exactly like the ones in His Dark Materials. I thought you may have gotten the inspiration from him. Is the Prologue and Chapter 1 all you have written so far?

[Vodstok]

Yes. Gloom is actually more involved (mentally, plotwise, and emotionally) than most of the other stuff i write, so i have to be in a particular mindset for it, and the past several months have not lent themselves to writing it.

However, my new house has EXACTLY the environment that inspires me, so more should flow very soon.

The funny thing about it is that 90% + of Gloom was inspired by the old game Quake, with some Doom and dungeons and dragons thrown in. Basically, i wanted to take the general premise of Quake and see what kind of story i could make out of it.

I have borrowed quite a bit from Lovecraft, but thanks to some input from this forum:
http://www.chronicles-network.net/forum/index.php

I have edited out some old english that just didnt fit.

[Stingy Jack]

Okay. That explains my worst criticism... I was going to say that it reads like a movie (at best), or a video game (at worst.) Now, don't think that I am dissin' your writing style. Your writing is surprisingly good! Your descriptions are vivid and immediate, and you don't waste words bombarding the reader with unnecessary imagery. The narrative is told by a soldier, after all, and I believe you have chosen just the right about of description: we wouldn't expect such a narrator to be very poetic. But, we WOULD expect him to use a little more military language. I don't know if a soldier would call the aircraft he flown in on merely "the aircraft" or his weapon merely "a gun". I think he would be more apt to tell us exactly what type of aircraft or gun it was. "I secured the butt of my BFG-2000 in the pit of my arm, but my hand began to cramp on the stock. My grip was unnaturally tight, but it had to be to keep from slipping on the sweat my palm produced" -- that kind of thing.

What makes me say it reads like a video game is that you rush into the action. You eagerly want to take us to this world and begin to describe it and the horrors that inhabit it. This is well and good, it is great to be excited about a project and want to get to the meaty parts. But, you lose something in the storytelling by rushing like this. I know nothing about this soldier, what his background is, what sort of person he is. So far, he is just an undeveloped video game character walking about in this horrific place. As readers, we want to identify with the character if we are going to feel anything for him. If you are going to make us feel hopeless (which, I believe is your goal), then we have to be able to become the character, on some level. And for that, I think you need to start providing us with something about your protagonist that we can relate to. I will give you a chance to respond before I go on.

[Vodstok]

Points taken. Chapter 2 will actually be dedicated to character developement as well as moving deeper into the world. You are Absolutely right about leaping in to the action. I actuaslly confused my fiance with the first draft of the attack.

I am not afraid to go back and make additions/subtractions to the existing content. keep going, this is fun :)

[Stingy Jack]

Real reply in a second -- my wife just came home with an armload of boxes and ordered me to give my kid a bath.

[Vodstok]

lol. :) take your time :)

[Stingy Jack]

You don't really need to dedicate an entire chapter to character development (in fact, this might actually be detrimental to your story). There are some simple things you can do with the material you have already produced, and that you can continue to do throughout the novel. For example, what sorts of things does this character care about? If I was about to go on a mission to a hostile planet (or dimension, or whatever), and I had fears that I may not make it back -- certain things would go through my head: my family being the first thing to come to mind. Have your character think about these things while he is waiting on the drop-flight. Have him look at and describe the faces of his comrades. Are they afraid? Does it show? Is one of them too macho to show fear, but his darting eyes give him away?

You also need to give your character a flaw, a weakness, and attack this weakness with your main conflict. Do you remember The Monkey's Paw? The short story about the family who gets the paw and wish for stuff that come true -- but with horrible consequences? Many teachers say that the conflict of this story is person vs. fate. But it's not. It is person vs. himself. The main character's (the father's) weakness is that he makes hasty decisions. He acts before he thinks, and his hasty decisions are always bad. This is shown at the beginning of the story when he is playing chess with his son. He loses the game because he moves his pieces haphazardly, without thinking about it. Then, at the end of the story, his wife is about to let in the thing at the door (if you remember the story, you know what I am talking about). The protagonist has to overcome his weakness. He has to think quickly, and make a good decision for once before his wife opens the door. And he does. He overcomes his weakness to conquer the conflict.

But, you don't have to have your character win over the conflict. This all depends on what sort of message you want to deliver. If your theme is "hopelessness", then having your character triumph shows that there is always hope. You know what I mean? So, you may decide to have him fail. Either way, in order to provide readable suspense, give your character a prime weakness that he has to overcome if he is going to survive. Whether or not he really overcomes it is up to you.

[Vodstok]

Would you say the introduction seems hurried? I would not actually dedicate an entire chapter to telling the character's backstory. mainly, the second chapter contains the events just before and after the "turtle incident", which would contain periods of rest and travel for the character, where i would deal with those details. However, does this make sense:

I willa dd those details you mentioned earlier on, then flesh them out in chapter 2. And to be honest, i didnt have a clear enough picture in my mind of the character to give an "achilles heal" quite yet.

Some details have been left purposely vague. one of the things i have been interested in is how readers view the main character without certain details being mentioned. Some things will be left out, because a person stuck in that situation might not consider them important enough to mention.

One of my suspicions was confirmed, though. How do you know its a he? ;)


Oh, and btw, you saying my wiritng is surprisingly good is one of the best compliments i have recieved so far :) If only my english teachers (aside from 12th grade, she thought i was wonderful :)) had told me that. i always thought i was good, but i actually caught flak from most of them for doing creative writing rather than bland descriptions. I guess we know which ones fall into the "those who cant do, teach" category......