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Old 10-18-2006, 11:16 PM
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The Aristocrat

this was supposed to be a 5 page short story for Creative Writing that ended up being a bit longer. It being for a class, I had to tone some of my stuff down a bit, but here it is:

Dear Mr. Ira,
It is the request of one Akito Suvarta that you be present at the address on the enclosed blue index card on the 15th of April, 2005 Anno Domini. You are to clear your schedule for at least the week before and the week after. You are to bring one (1) sleeping bag, one (1) change of clothes, any hygienic items you wish to bring, two (2) weeks worth of MREs (to be obtained at the address given on the enclosed white index card), and, if you wish, one (1) flashlight, and one (1) book of your choice. You are not to bring any electronic equipment, any cellular phones or radios, or any means of audio or visual recording (no cameras, no tape recorders). You may not bring any other person(s) with you. You are to transport yourself alone. Upon your arrival, you will receive further instruction. If you are present at the specified location on the specified date, the sum of $300,000,000 USD will be transferred into an account for use by you or any person(s) of your choosing. If you are not present at the time and place specified, no money will be given, and there will be no further correspondence. You may tell your spouse of this offer, but no one else. We look forward to your visit.

-Iron Crutch corp.


Ardal Ira folded the letter and set it in the middle of the kitchen table. His wife reached for it, but she seemed loathe to touch it. She put her hand back in her lap. There was a long silence. Ardal broke it.

“So?” It came out as almost a whisper.

“I’ve never heard of the Iron Crutch corp.”

“Neither have I. They must be well-off.”

There was another long silence. Ardal took the letter and folded it into his pants pocket. His wife broke the silence this time.

“Are you going to go?”

“I don’t know. I suppose I have a month to decide.”

“Is there a number you can call to…I dunno, get some information on this?”

“Doubt it.”

“Well, I mean…it’s three hundred million dollars. It’s not like we couldn’t use the money.”

“It’s not like we need that kind of money.” He paused. “Do you think I should go?”

“I don’t know…maybe. I’m not gonna say I wouldn’t like to have three hundred million dollars.”

“We don’t need that much money.”

“Then we can give some away if you want.”

Ardal rifled through his pocket and pulled out the blue index card. He leaned back against the wall, staring at the address on the card.

“So…what are you gonna do?” his wife asked.

Ardal sighed and put the card back in his pocket.

“I don’t know.”

The car sputtered to a halt. Ardal sat inside and tried to slow his heart. He looked ahead through the windshield to the lot. The ground was a brownish yellow- dead grass- and almost totally barren. Almost, except for the building. It stood in the middle of a vast and vacant lot, and it looked at least 20 stories tall. There seemed to be no windows, the outside was stark white concrete. Ardal took a deep breath, grabbed his bag, and slowly got out of the car.

He tentatively walked up to the building. All that was on the outside of it was a thick steel door, with a small metal door next to it that looked like it opened to a circuit breaker or something. The large door had no handle, but the smaller door had a latch on the bottom. Several times he reached his hand over to touch the latch, but let his arm drop at the last second. Finally, he mustered up the courage and turned the latch. The door swung up as if spring loaded. Inside was an empty metal cabinet, with only a small button at the bottom and a note next to it. He eyed both, and picked up the note.

Push the button and hold it down with your right thumb so that it can read your thumb print.

He did so, and with a dull, thick creak, the large door swung in, and he entered the building. Inside was a large room that was empty, save an elevator in the middle, and a sheet of paper hung up next to the elevator door. He walked up to the elevator, footsteps echoing off the walls, and read the second note.

The elevator is voice activated. State your full name loudly and clearly.

“Ardal Ira.” He heard an almost cheerful beep, and the elevator door hummed open. Looking around, he stepped inside and pushed the only button he saw. The door shut and he felt the elevator slowly rising. After what seemed like a half hour, it stopped, and the door opened. He stepped out into what appeared to be a waiting room. There were chairs, a table with magazines, a small table in the middle, and a television. On the table was a VHS tape. He picked it up and inspected it. It was crudely labeled “Instructions” in magic marker on a strip of masking tape that had been stuck on the spine. He went over to the television and put the tape in the VCR. The tape began playing automatically.

After some static, a man in a very expensive looking suit came on, sitting at a desk and looking somewhat like a newscaster. He sat silently looking at the camera. Ardal began to get nervous and felt like the man on the television was looking at him. Then the man began to speak.

“Hello, Mr. Ira. Welcome to the home office of Iron Crutch corp. We’re glad to see you’ve made it. I’ll answer what I’m sure is one of your primary concerns right away. As soon as your thumb print was read at the front door, two things happened. The first was three hundred million dollars being transferred into an account. The second was a letter being mailed to your house. This letter contains all the necessary information on accessing and using the account. You and your wife may use this money however you see fit.

“Now, I’m sure you’re wondering why it is you’re here. Iron Crutch corp. is currently working on some rather important research, and we need people to simply observe certain goings-on, and then tell what they saw to whomever they wish. That is all you’re required to do. Observe. And, barring any negative actions on your part, we guarantee your safety. Next: your instructions. If you will head back towards the elevator, but walk around the elevator to the opposite end of the room, you’ll find a door. Enter the door, walk down the stairs, and enter the room at the bottom of those stairs. There you will receive your next set of instructions in the form of a small manual. This manual is to be kept with you at all times, and it contains all the information you will need during your time here. Thank you, and good luck.”

Ardal stared at the screen as the picture turned to static. He went over and sat in one of the chairs. It was strangely comfortable. He sat for a while and mulled over what he’d just seen, the building in the middle of the vacant lot, the notes, the letter, the money, all of it. He briefly entertained the idea of simply leaving the building, if it would mean there would be no money, but he remembered that the only button in the elevator is the one that took him up to wherever he was. He finally got up, took his bag, and walked around the elevator, down the stairs, and into a very sterile looking room. On a small white table he saw a thin, bound book on top of a taped up cardboard box. He picked up the manual and opened it to the first page.

To whom it may concern: Beneath this instruction book is a box. Inside this box are the following; a jumpsuit, a gas mask, a pair of boots, a pair of gloves, and a small flip knife. You are to strip all of your clothing and don the jumpsuit, boots, and gloves. The gas mask is to be worn in any and all rooms not marked by a blue door and blue walls. Rooms with red walls have certain chemical agents inserted into the air supply that may be harmful to you, and rooms with white walls are transitional between rooms with clean air and those with affected air, and may have some affected air in them. Blue rooms are safe to remove your mask in. You will notice that the jumpsuit has no pockets, only a place to attach the flip knife. You are only to take your belongings, the mask, and this manual with you at all times in the office basement. Good luck.

At this point Ardal wanted nothing more than to turn and leave. He took a long look up the flight of stairs before changing into the jumpsuit, boots, and gloves. He attached the flip knife to the key ring, and attached the ring to a loop on the jumpsuit. He shoved the manual and the mask into the bag, took a long deep breath, and opened the door.
__________________

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Old 10-18-2006, 11:17 PM
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and some more:

He let out what sounded halfway between a gasp and a sigh of relief. The room was empty, and the walls were a rich, deep blue. It wasn’t terribly big, but there was a noticeable echo as he walked across the room towards the door. It was white with a dirty window at the top. He looked through and saw a small white room with a red door at the other end. He backed up, as if he didn’t even want to touch the door, let alone go through. But he took a deep breath, put on the gas mask, and walked through.

He quickly walked through the white room and flung the red door open. He wasn’t in the room for a second before he quickly backed into the white room. As if he couldn’t believe what he’d seen, he shook his head and walked back in. The room was huge, with sloppily painted bright red walls, an odd contrast to the neatly painted walls in the blue room, and there was what looked like a thin cloud of fog at the top. There were dozens of people that looked to be at least in their late 60’s staggering around like zombies. They were wearing plain white shirts and pants, some of which were partially stained with blood.

Some of them were merely staggering about or near catatonic, but many looked practically feral. One man seemed to be gnawing at the concrete wall, breaking his teeth and tearing them from his gums. There was a man tearing at an old woman’s clothes. It didn’t seem like he was doing so for any specific purpose, but just to do it. And she was screaming bloody murder.

Ardal shuffled quietly through the room, trying not to be heard. It seemed as though none of them even noticed he was there, and he intended to keep it that way. He walked and looked straight ahead until he saw a door. To his dismay, it was red. Fighting to not look back, he pushed it open, thinking that whatever was ahead couldn’t be any worse than what he’d just seen.

He tried to hold the door open, but it seemed to be forcing its self shut. The room was almost pitch black, except for a flickering florescent light in a corner of the room. In the brief flashes of light he got, he thought he could make out a figure crouched in the corner.

“Hello?” the word had hardly stammered from his mouth when he heard the highest pitched scream he’d ever heard echo throughout the room. He covered his ears, but could still hear it quite clearly. He ran around the room running his hand along the wall searching for the door, but couldn’t find one. Then he stopped. He was right on the edge of where the flickers of light were illuminating the room. The door was within there, and so was the figure that was no doubt the source of the ear-piercing screaming. He peered into the area when it was lit until he could see specifically where the door was, and desperately ran towards it. He almost tripped over whoever it was in there, and felt them bite down on his leg. He kicked his leg out until they let go, and slammed the door shut behind him.

The room he was in now was well lit and had white walls and a blue door at the other end. He let out a sigh and walked along the room. He stopped when he noticed the sticky sound his footsteps made. He looked back where he had been walking- he was tracking blood through the room. The rest of his way to the blue door he was running.

The second he heard the click of the door shutting behind him he pulled the gas mask off and breathed deeply. He slid down and sat against the door and shut his eyes. He sat there with his eyes closed and breathing heavily, until he was asleep.

He woke up to his stomach cramping up. He pawed through his bag until he found an MRE he wanted. He mixed it together and ate the wheat cracker while the chemicals cooked the rest. After what he saw, he didn’t have much of an appetite, but he forced himself to eat anyways. His stomach was empty, and he was going to need his strength.

I’m writing this from inside the offices of Iron Crutch corp. I use the term “offices” loosely, but I can only assume that this labyrinth of rooms takes up the entire building. I’ve been here for over a day and a half, now, with no end in sight. I chose this notebook as the one book I was allowed to bring, and I’m glad I did. I haven’t seen one person to speak to the entire time I’ve been here. I’ve only said one word since entering the building, and after what happened I doubt I’ll be saying any more until I’m out of this place. This is the only means I have of getting my thoughts out. I don’t know what purpose any of these things serve, but no amount of money is worth this. The last red room I was in… it was just five kids strapped into chairs, and men in helmets or masks or something just pushing needles into them. And the kids were screaming the entire time. I went over to one, but the man shoved me away. As of my writing this, the last human voice I’ve heard is one of those children sobbing for me to help her. I didn’t. I just left.

Ardal bitterly shoved the notebook into his bag and looked around. The first day he was there, he took at least a little comfort in the safety of the blue rooms. But as he wandered throughout the building, the more he took what went on in the red rooms with him. He ate the last of his MRE and headed towards the door. He stopped short. The door was white, and he almost forgot to put his mask on. He took one last deep breath before putting the constricting appliance on his head and walking through the door.

The door opened to an improbably long hallway. He could just barely make out the red door at the other end. He half groaned, half sighed, as he slouched down the hall. About halfway through, he noticed something that he hadn’t noticed before; a security camera. He stood staring almost in wonder. This was the closest thing he’d seen of the outside world since he’d gotten there. His heart sped up, almost in sync with the little red blinking light on the face of the camera. Then, the camera turned on its hinge, almost as if motioning him to continue on. Reluctantly, he continued his walk towards the door.

In all the previous red rooms save the first, Ardal never backed out. In this one, he desperately clawed at the door as it clicked shut behind him. But the doors apparently only opened from the one side. The room was littered with bodies. They were all cut up. In the middle was another large, masked man, and a girl that didn’t look to be even in her teens yet. She was naked and blood-stained and sobbing uncontrollably as the man sat on top of her, holding something against her face. It was part of one of the bodies, and he was force-feeding it to her. She managed to free her mouth long enough to vomit before he forced the piece of flesh into her mouth. That was all Ardal could stand. He tried to run, but slipped and fell to the ground with a dull, echoing thud.

The man and girl both looked in his direction. Using the distraction, she pushed the man’s hand away, spit out the mouthful of blood and meat and screamed.

“Help me! Oh, God, help me!” The man punched her in the mouth and forced another piece of meat on her. Ardal kept his eyes on the wall and floor as he worked his way out of the room. Except he couldn’t find the door. He looked around in a panic, but there was no door to be found. Then, he spotted it. It was on the floor, directly under the man and girl. They were blocking the only exit. He kept his eyes down, looking at the part of the gas mask that blocked his vision, as he walked up to them.

“Excuse me.” He said it so quiet that even he could barely hear it. He stammered it out again, louder. “E-excuse me.” The man looked over at him. There was a long, tense pause. Ardal, almost involuntarily, cast a glance down at the girl. She was looking up at him in hopeful desperation. His eyes welled up as he spoke again to the masked man. “You’re blocking the door.”

“WHAT?!” the girl cried out. “For the love of God, help me!” The man forced her mouth shut and dragged her away. He pulled the door open. It led to a dimly lit flight of stairs. He walked down, forcing himself not to look back up into the room. The hallway to which the stairs led was brightly lit and short, with a blue door at the end. He raced to the door, pulled it open so hard and fast that he hurt his shoulder, and threw himself into the closest wall. He crouched down against it, screaming into his mask. He pulled it off and flung it across the room. He screamed and cried and beat his fists against the wall until he passed out.

“Mr. Ira?” Ardal sat up, startled. He was on a couch in a waiting room. A much better furnished waiting room than the one in which he watched the video. He was face to face with a man in a suit, holding a clipboard and looking down at him, a friendly smile across his face. “Good, you’re awake. We saw on the monitors and thought you could use a bit of a break.”

“…What?” Was all Ardal could say.

“Though I must admit, that’s only part of the reason we brought you here. The main reason we took you out is because Mr. Suvarta would like to see you.”

“Suvarta?”
__________________

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  #3  
Old 10-18-2006, 11:20 PM
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and more:

“Yes, Mr. Suvarta. He owns Iron Crutch. If you’ll follow me, please.” He motioned for Ardal to follow to a large wooden door on the opposite end of the room. The man opened the door and motioned for Ardal to enter.

In the room was a man at a desk, various chairs and plants and items on the desk, but no windows. Ardal was hoping there would be windows.

“Mr. Ira, welcome!” The man at the desk said. “I’m Akito Suvarta. You can call me Akito.” He stood up and offered his hand. Ardal blankly shook it as he looked around the room. “Have a seat. I’m sure you could use a good sit after wandering through those rooms for 2 days.” Ardal sat and glanced over the items on Akito’s desk; a few manila folders, a wire cup full of pens, a small bowl of matchbooks, an intercom, and a little Buddha statue. “Mr. Ira, I’m sure you don’t want to prolong your stay here any longer than you have to, and to be honest, I’m a busy man, so let’s just get right down to it. I’d like to introduce you to someone.” He pushed the button on the intercom and spoke into it, “Send her in, please.” and patiently waited.

Into the room walked a woman looking to be in her early 30’s, and pregnant.

“Mr. Ira, this is Bec. She’s from…South Dakota I think. One of those states over there. We’ve taken her from her crappy one-room apartment and a future of unemployed single-motherhood, and are giving her the best medical care possible, a large salary, and anything else, within reason, that she wants or needs. We’re doing this up until her baby is born. The second the umbilical cord is cut, we are going to murder her baby. Very violently, very messily. And we’re going to see to it that she watches the whole thing.”

Wide-eyed, Ardal looked back at Bec, who was staring down at the floor, her hands over her stomach. Ardal looked back at Akito. “Why?!”

“Why? Why, what? Why is she going along with it? Because if she decides not to, then we’ll cut off all medical and financial support we’ve been giving her and stick her down in those rooms. And, unlike you, she won’t be leaving. She can fend for herself, and when the time comes, have the baby herself, down there, alone. Why are we doing it? Well, why do any of this?”

“Yes, that’s what I’m asking, why the hell are you doing any of this?”

“It’s a long explanation. But, you have time for it I suppose. And I brought you here to explain it to you anyways. Mr. Ira, are you familiar with any of the Buddhist principles? No? Well, they have this ideal of balance. I believe the Buddha himself said, ‘evil must exist, for good to prove its purity above it.’ I think that’s what’s missing in the world today. Balance. It seems as though everybody has this Judeo-Christian ideal of good triumphing over evil, light against darkness, all that. But, really, if there’s no evil, there’s no balance. Everything is in disarray. The entire spectrum of human existence is thrown off. That’s where we at the Iron Crutch corp. come in. We maintain balance.

“Look at the balance ideal for a moment. Evil and good must both coexist in equal measures. Even ends of the spectrum. Well, every spectrum has to polar opposite ends. Someone has to be the best out of everybody. The absolute peak example of the good of humanity. And someone has to be the worst. I have no problem with it being me. I have no problem with it, Mr. Ira, because I can see the big picture. I know that as horrible as these things are, that I’m doing the right thing. I’m doing what’s best, what has to be done.”

Ardal sat in stunned silence. He stared wide-eyed at Akito for what seemed like ages. When he finally formulated words, he spoke up. “You…you’re fucking crazy.”

“Every great religious leader was told the exact same thing. But, regardless of my sanity, or lack thereof, we both have things we have to get to. So, if you will enter the door on your right, you’ll find your way back down to the rooms. Good day, Mr. Ira.”

The door was wooden, but framed in blue masking tape. Ardal almost chuckled to himself at the crudity of it given the posh surroundings, but he was still in angered shock at what Akito had told him. He wouldn’t have gone through the door, but he wanted out of the office, and doubted he would be allowed to leave any other way.

I think I’ve been here five days so far. Akito said I had been here two days when I was in his office, which means I’ve been wandering around in this part of the building for three days. It seems like longer. The door in his office led to a steep, narrow stair well that took forever to get through. Not only that, it got dimmer and darker as I went down. My flashlight ran out of batteries by the time I finished it. I’m keeping it around anyways.

That I know of, I haven’t seen a red room since I left Akito’s office. The room I’m in now could be red and I’d never know it. It’s cavernous and pitch-black. The last door I went through was blue, so I assume that the room is safe. I hope so, since I’m not wearing my mask.

I don’t know why I’m writing this anyways. It’s not like anybody’s going to ever read it.


Ardal tore a blank page out of his notebook and threw it on the fire. He’d taken some match books out of Akito’s office and had been using the fire for light. He took out another MRE and started eating. For what he guessed was the first day, he tried to measure how far he’d gone in the room, but lost track after he stumbled over something on the floor. He didn’t even want to guess what it was.

The entire time he was in the room, he heard noises and felt as though he was being watched. He assumed Akito had cameras in the room, though he couldn’t imagine that they could see anything.

He finished eating his MRE and started walking. He thought about stamping out the fire, but decided against it. He could use it as a sight marker for as long as it was visible. Besides, he wasn’t much worried about burning the building down. He walked along, listening to the sound of his footsteps echoing off of walls that were who knows how far away. He knew of some people that could tell distance from echoes. He was not one of them. This fact made its self all too apparent when Ardal walked face-first into a wall. In disbelief, he felt around the wall before letting out a cry of joy. He felt along for a door, but felt none. He kept his hand on the wall and ran left as fast as he could, running his fingertips along the wall, feeling for a door.

He tripped again and fell flat on his face. He quickly felt back for the wall, but couldn’t feel it. He panicked and felt around frantically, but couldn’t find the wall. He ran around yelling out, and fell again. This time, he fell because he had inadvertently found stairs, and he kept falling. As he fell, Ardal’s surroundings got brighter and brighter. He finally braced himself from falling any further, and sat on the stairs, holding his hurt arm and knee. He looked behind him, grabbed his bag, and limped down the rest of the stairs, until he got to a white door.

He put his mask on and walked through. The room was about as big as a walk-in closet, and was adorned by a red door on the opposite end. Most of him was still hesitant to go into the red rooms, but part of him was just eager to see living things. He walked through, and saw that the room was divided into two. Half of the room he could enter and walk through, but the other half was blocked off with Plexiglas. He glanced into the sectioned off room and turned away immediately. In the brief second he saw in the room, he couldn’t make out exactly what was going on. He saw several dogs, at least half a dozen children looking to be hooked up to a machine, and his imagination filled in the blanks.

The view in the room he was in was no better. Roughly two dozen people, some children, some older. They were crawling along the floor, clawing at each other, grinding against one another, screaming and yelling out. Most of them had limbs that looked like they were rotting or had already rotted. One person, Ardal couldn’t tell the age or gender, was crawling along the floor using its shoulder, for its one arm was completely black.

It was all too much at once. In one quick heave, Ardal ruined the inside of his mask. Without thinking, he took it off to wipe the vomit away from his mouth. The second it was off his face, he went dizzy. He could feel his eyes bulge and water; he could feel the blood rushing out of his head, himself swelling, falling onto the floor, shaking violently. The person that had been crawling towards him climbed on top of him. It pawed at him, smeared its face against his, bit at him. He shoved it off and grabbed his flashlight. He immediately started beating the person’s head in with the butt of the flashlight, hearing the thick, wet, crunching and thudding sounds and not caring. He only stopped when he felt and heart the metal casing of the flashlight banging against the concrete floor.

He stopped and looked around. He saw another person, this one distinctively a man, in a corner of the room. He began to crawl towards him, but too much of his body had rotted. He started crumbling and falling apart as he moved. Ardal, still out of his mind, ran out of the room.
__________________

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Old 10-18-2006, 11:22 PM
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last bit:

He heard the click of the door behind him and realized that he was clutching the flashlight in his hands, but nothing else. His bag and mask were in the other room.

Dont know how much time have been in here, everyting gone, I only have flashlight, and its broke, notebook is gone, have found a way around it, food is gone, too, found a way around that, too, hope to be leaving soon, Love, Ardal

Ardal looked back at his writing with a bizarre sense of satisfaction. The room had some bodies strewn about, Ardal didn’t really notice what all was going on. He took one of the bodies and used its blood to write his journal entry on the wall. The rest he used for food.

He was vaguely aware that his mental state had been affected, but he cared very little. He kind of hoped he would get back to normal once he was out of the offices, but was at this point not particularly worried about normalcy or leaving. He merely wandered through the rooms as he had been doing the entire week.

Ardal, Ardal, Ardal, Ardal, Ardal, Ardal, Ardal, Ardal, Ardal, Ardal, Ardal, Ardal, Ardal

He wrote his name over and over. He’d been there a week and a half, not that he noticed the passing of time anymore. He wrote his name over and over. It was the only word he could remember to write. He could form the words in his head, but he could only write his name. Part of him wanted to write it over and over again because the last little remnants of sanity in his mind were afraid that if he stopped, he’d forget it.

He wandered over and walked through the door. He didn’t notice the colour. He just walked through the rooms, rarely even noticing what was going on inside them. He would occasionally stop in a room to eat or excrete or amuse himself, but in general he paid no mind to them. He just walked. Not that he remembered why he was traversing the rooms. He just knew that he was, so that’s what he did.

Until he got to a door that he couldn’t get open. The minor interruption in his routine had caused his disposition to clear up some. For the first time in however long, he was vaguely aware of himself.

“Hello, Mr. Ira.” He heard someone behind him say. He spun around to see two men in suits sitting on chairs that he would remember to have looked like the chairs in the waiting room, if he remembered the waiting room at that point. Ardal merely laughed. He didn’t know why, but he did. The two men waited for him to finish before addressing him again.

“Mr. Ira,” the second man said, “we’re glad to see you made it here with your physical wellbeing in tact. We’d like to unlock the door and let you out to go enjoy your money.” Ardal started laughing again. The men waited patiently, again, for him to finish. He kept laughing, but suddenly felt very tired. He laughed as he felt his eyelids grow heavy. Everything grew darker and he felt himself slump to the ground. But he kept laughing. Finally, the second man grew impatient.

“Mr. Ira, I realize that you were guaranteed safety. Unfortunately, by removing your mask, you negated that. We can’t let you leave the building now that you have those drugs in your system. I’m sorry, but you’ll have to remain in the building. I’m sure you understand.”
__________________

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  #5  
Old 10-19-2006, 06:21 AM
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Nice (?) ending. :eek:

Pretty good; obviously not your first, dare I say it, not your last either.
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Old 10-19-2006, 10:10 AM
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I liked everything except the end, there's enough description in the story to allow the imagination to run wild but not so much that it's waffling... but the end i felt was missing something, only i don't know what! I understand that the length had to kept down but it seems like there are a couple of extra paragraphs missing...

Having said that i thoroughly enjoyed it, hope you'll be posting more
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Old 10-19-2006, 12:31 PM
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ALTERNATE ENDING

Until he got to a door that he couldn’t get open. The minor interruption in his routine had caused his disposition to clear up some. For the first time in however long, he was vaguely aware of himself.

“Hello, Mr. Ira.” He heard someone behind him say. He spun around to see two men in suits sitting on chairs that he would remember to have looked like the chairs in the waiting room, if he remembered the waiting room at that point. Ardal merely laughed. He didn’t know why, but he did. The two men waited for him to finish before addressing him again.

“Mr. Ira,” the second man said, “we’re glad to see you made it here with your physical wellbeing in tact. We’d like to unlock the door and let you out to go enjoy your money.” Ardal started laughing again. The men waited patiently, again, for him to finish. He kept laughing, but suddenly felt very tired. He laughed as he felt his eyelids grow heavy. Everything grew darker and he felt himself slump to the ground. But he kept laughing. Finally, the second man grew impatient.

“Mr. Ira, we can’t let you leave the building now that you have those drugs in your system. We’re going to have to keep you an additional few days while we clean you up.” At that point Ardal completely passed out.

He didn’t wake up until the day he was released. They escorted him out of the building and to his car, which they had been maintaining while he was gone. He waited a while before getting in his car. He lay on the hood, staring up at the sky and breathing the fresh air. He had had neither the view nor the air since he set foot in the building 2 weeks earlier. He would have fallen asleep, but he was eager to get home.

He practically ran up the stairs, not noticing the odd look the landlord gave him, and stood at his door out of breath. He unlocked the door and walked in, only to find that everything was different. He looked around for a second before backing out into the hall. He stood there half-dazed as one of the neighbors was exiting their apartment.

“Oh, hey, Ardal.” She said cheerily. “What’re you doing here?”

“I…thought I lived here.” He stammered out.

“No, your wife said you guys had split. About a week ago. Then a couple days later she said she’d come into a bunch of money and split town. My Ronnie keeps on about her killing you for insurance money, but…” she kept talking, but Ardal couldn’t hear her. He fell back against the wall and slid down to the floor. Now his neighbor was laughing about something, but Ardal only sat numbly staring into the strange apartment that used to be his home.
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Old 10-20-2006, 09:55 AM
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Im trying to decide which ending I prefer; I would go for the first one myself.

I like first one as there is nice wry twist, maybe I wasn't looking for it or not I don't know, allowing the reader to use his own imagination; we have connected to the person; as we come closer to the end and then giving us the bad news; after all he has seen and gone through it ends up all for nothing, which I suppose would lead to another "victim" receiving the invite and so on, which makes sense to me.

But perhaps I have an imagination.

I also tend to think in pictures/visually, so I wasn't simply reading your story, but almost viewing it as well.

I would say it would be worthy of publishing (I am not one unfortuneately, so can't help you there) but I imagine in a collection of modern horror stories, something like that, it wouldn't be out of place.
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Old 10-20-2006, 10:43 AM
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Yeah, i prefer the first ending, i stil think there's alittle something missing, maybe a few lucid moments but i don't feel he would ever get out of that place

Still a damn good story though, and i really did enjoy it

i agree with tic, it would sit well in a book of modern short horror stories, hope you're going to write some more, with stories this good you could fill the whole book
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Old 08-10-2007, 07:02 PM
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The feedback is much appreciated. I'm considereing fleshing the story out, making it a bit longer, and doing a different ending. I have a couple ideas for things, but I'm not 100% sure if I want to re-do this story or just start from scratch and write something else.
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