Woman Does NOT Want Legs, Begs Doctors To Amputate, Tries To Do It Herself, Loses 1

[bloodrayne]

I Won't Be Happy Until I Lose My Legs


UK - Ever since she was little, Susan Smith has felt there is something wrong with her body. Her determination to 'fix' things has twice landed her in hospital

I was six when I first became aware of my desire to lose my legs. I don't remember what started it - there was no specific trigger. Most people want to change something about themselves, and the image I have of myself has always been one without legs.

To the general public, people like me are sick and strange, and that's where it ends. I think it is a question of fearing the unknown. I have something called body identity integrity disorder (BIID), where sufferers want to remove one or more healthy limbs. Few people who haven't experienced it themselves can't understand what I am going through. It is not a sexual thing, it is certainly not a fetish, and it is nothing to do with appearances. I simply cannot relate to myself with two legs: it isn't the "me" I want to be. I have long known that if I want to get on with my life I need to remove both legs. I have been trapped in the wrong body all this time and over the years I came to hate my physical self.

As a teenager, in the privacy of my own home, I used to play by myself at being an amputee. I would pretend I had one leg, strapping the other one up behind me and wearing oversize trousers so there was no shape. I knew even then that it wasn't normal, that it wasn't something to share with friends or my parents. But, trussed up like that, I would be quite happy and satisfied for a while.

At 23, I met my future husband and we were very happy together - but I was leading a double life. He did not know about my BIID at first so it wasn't easy to pretend. I went through periods when having him around was very disturbing. I gradually withdrew into myself, becoming private and secretive.

There is no instruction manual for those who want to remove their own limbs, but I always knew I would do it. I had eventually, told my husband that one day I would lose my legs. It took many years for him to understand why, but he did realise it was part of me, and I suppose he accepted it.

Two years ago, I told him that now was the time and I was going to remove my left leg. My first attempt was in March 2005. Of course I was scared of dying, but I had got to a point in my life where I could no longer fight it.

First I needed to freeze and kill the leg so that surgeons would amputate it afterwards. I ordered dry ice pellets from a company near Edinburgh (the same stuff that is used in discos for the smoke effect). Nobody asked what it was for. I bought 40kg - it evaporates very quickly, so you have to buy a great deal. I put on layers of pantyhose, because you do not want it sticking to you, spread it in the back of the car and sat with my leg immersed in it for one hour. The pain was indescribable: it hurt so much I passed out a few times. I was scared, but more so of failure. I am that kind of person - I never fail.

I had not damaged the leg enough to have it amputated in hospital, so the following September I made a second attempt, and this time I stayed in the dry ice for four hours. I was sat with my legs across the back seat of the car, the windows wide open and the footwell filled with dry ice, covering the leg and topping it up as it evaporated. When I could bear no more I called my husband, who came and pulled me out. The leg was hard as stone. I had third-degree burns and the pain was horrible. But it wasn't enough: I now know you need a minimum of six hours to kill a leg completely.

My husband drove me to hospital, but they refused to amputate. Incredibly, they said the wounds were superficial and that I would be walking within a few months. I really thought this time that the surgeon would give me the amputation I needed, but they seemed resolute. I went through all sorts of stages as they worked on my leg to save it. Sometimes I found the whole thing very funny, at other times I was crying, and sometimes I didn't think I would live through it. I reached my lowest point when they discharged me from hospital four weeks later, after eight sessions of surgery, with the leg still attached. I thought I was going to have to make a third attempt. But this time I would have to do it differently, perhaps put my leg under a train so they would have nothing more than a stump to stitch up.

I slowly recovered my strength back at home. I had dropped from 9 stone to under 7 stone during the operations and wanted to give myself time physically to recover before trying again. But the leg became so infected that there was a danger of the bacteria getting into the bloodstream and killing me. I had so much fever I was sleeping 24 hours a day. My mum sat by my bedside, waking me every hour to make sure I was still alive. She has known about my condition since I was a teenager, but I know it shocked her to see me finally make an attempt. After nine months of agony, I told my GP that if I didn't see someone fast, I would take off the leg myself. Within two days I had an appointment with a different surgeon.

The amputation, last June, went without a problem, and my left leg was removed from just above the knee. I felt better as soon as I came round. In fact, I felt so good in hospital that I was ready to go home straight away had they let me. My bag was packed and I was ready to leave. The Tuesday after the operation I drove myself home in an automatic car, and the next day I was almost back to my normal life.

I already feel more complete now that one leg is off. I have always been an outgoing kind of person, but my confidence is much higher now as my body is more like I want it to be. For the first time I feel able to move on and lead the life I have always wanted. In many ways I am starting again. I know it sounds odd, but it is incredibly exciting. Running the house, doing the gardening, going shopping - these are all things I manage easily by myself, even though now I might use a wheelchair or crutches. My husband has been supportive. He thinks I look a little strange missing a leg but says that, after all he has seen me go through, he accepts it. For now, he is just happy that I am happy, and I have promised to leave the remaining leg on for as long as possible; I know that losing that will be really difficult for him.

My youngest child is 10 and the eldest 15, and they do not know the truth about the removal of my leg yet. I told them I had a problem back in March and have had complications since. As a mother, I felt bad about not telling them the truth, especially when I was so ill I thought I might not make it. But now I feel it is better to protect them until they are old enough to understand that this was my choice. They will probably be in their 20s before I reach that point. Maybe they will figure it out for themselves before then, anyway. But I have given so much to my home and family that I feel entitled to do this for myself.

Only a handful of people know the truth about what I have done, and some of them call me crazy or mad. I suppose it is understandable. Even my sister doesn't accept me as an amputee. She lives just up the road but hasn't come to see me in months. In her eyes I am not a complete person any more. But I can't let that affect me; the problem is more hers than mine.

I think BIID will stay taboo until people get together and bring it out. A hundred years ago, it was taboo to be gay in many societies, and 50 years ago the idea of transsexuals was abhorrent to most. I have tried to make the condition more understood but it is difficult to get a case out in the open by yourself. My psychiatrist went to a meeting last year in Paris, and many doctors there told her that they had operated on people who needed an amputation under mysterious circumstances, and how happy the person was when they woke up. It led them to believe that perhaps BIID is more prevalent than people think.

Removing the next leg will not be any easier than the first; the pain will be horrendous. But I have no regrets about the path I have chosen. In fact, if I regret anything, it is that I didn't do this sooner. For the first time in my life, I can get on with being the real me.

http://society.guardian.co.uk/health...000991,00.html

[bloodrayne]

I had a few thoughts about this one:

1) If abortion is legal because "a woman has a right to do whatever she wants with her body", why hasn't anyone removed her legs for her?...If she were refused an abortion, wouldn't there be public outrage of some sort?

2) I don't see her as strange, or a 'freak' or a 'weirdo'...Sure, what she wants is unusual, but people are different...When I was little, I wanted a mermaid tail...

3) This is the BIGGEST issue I have with this...This woman is INCREDIBLY SELFISH...She has children...If she has both of her legs removed, it will be much more difficult to care for her children, should THEY have to suffer and do without so that SHE can have what SHE wants? She will need help with many things...Who is expected to bear the burden of 'helping' her for the rest of her life?...Why would she want to put someone else in that position, just so that she can have what SHE wants?...Will she try to claim disability benefits? That would be wrong in so many ways

Bottom line: It's okay to want something, no matter what it might be...It is NOT okay to make others pay/suffer for it

What if a mother wanted to go on a weekend camping trip by herself?...That's not so unsual...But, if she wanted to leave her children alone while she was gone, THAT would be a problem...

Why doesn't she see the harm she would cause her children and/or others?...Why does she ONLY care about what SHE wants?

[Despare]

One thing that spring to mind for me is help from the government. She shouldn't get any of the help that "true" handicapped people get, in fact, she shouldn't even get a handicapped parking spot. My grandpa had polio and couldn't walk, if he had read about this lady he'd be pissed. She's spitting in the face of every person who is actually disabled.

[bloodrayne]

Originally Posted by urgeok

what do i think ?

i think she's fucking nuts.
She can do what she wants with herself, remove her own goddamn head if she wants - put the whole show on utube ..

someone this unstable shouldnt have children in her care ...
what if she started to decide her kids shouldnt have legs ?

i think the world would be better off without that sack of damaged genes.

We're on the same wavelength, just a different channel...

This is kinda what I was trying to say, but maybe in a different way...

What I mean is...If this was SOOO important to her, she wanted it her whole life, and she has thought about it since she was little...WHY wouldn't she consider how it would affect children if she had them, realize that it would harm them, and opt to NOT have children?...Or...Realize it AFTER she had children, decide that what's best for the children is more important than what she wants, and give up on the idea completely...at least until the kids are grown, on their own, and ONLY if she wouldn't be a burden to them or anyone else AFTER that...But, I don't see how it's possible...She would HAVE to have help in some form or another...That's why I said she's incredibly selfish...

If she could accomplish her goal without hurting or burdening anyone else, I'd say "who gives a shit?...Cut her legs off"...But, that just isn't the case here...

As for the 'fucking nuts' part...Many women have their chests sliced open and stuffed full of goo to fit an image of what they would like to be or look like...THAT'S crazy to ME...

Originally Posted by Despare

One thing that spring to mind for me is help from the government. She shouldn't get any of the help that "true" handicapped people get, in fact, she shouldn't even get a handicapped parking spot.

Exactly...This is what I meant by saying that it would be wrong for her to try to get disability...That would set a precedent for ANYONE who didn't wanna work, and wanted to live off of the government, to just start lopping off limbs...

And again...Others shouldn't be burdened because of what someone else WANTS...

[bwind22]

Originally Posted by urgeok

i think she's fucking nuts.

Y e p !
































stupid character minimum

[bloodrayne]

Originally Posted by urgeok

i've always thought the concept was a but nuts myself - but the comparrison is apples and oranges ..

a lot of women have felt (wrong or right) that they must look a certain way .. the media drills it into their heads and the weaker ones succumb.
and many men reinforce the decision with approval.

this cant be compared to someone wanting to cut off their legs.

in no way, shape or form can this be considered an enhancement.

I understand what you're saying...But, apparently the way SHE feels about it, is that it would be an enhancement in HER eyes, based on the way she perceives herself...Rather than basing a decision of modifying your body on what OTHER people perceive to be an 'enhancement'...Know what I'm saying?

[bloodrayne]

I think all I was really trying to say was...

People should be permitted to do whatever they wanna do to themselves, no matter what their reasons (good, bad, delusional...) as long as they aren't hurting or burdening anyone else...THIS girl is hurting and burdening people...Especially her children who can't just choose to get away from her


On a side note...I looked into this a bit more...This girl isn't unique...There are LOTS of people like this, and quite a few websites (and even DATING sites, with people who want to hook up with 'amputees') for them...

[stubbornforgey]

I still don't know what to say.
I have read and re read this so many times.
Exactly Urgeok..what if she decides her kids shouldn't have limbs??

[X¤MurderDoll¤X]

If you have a disorder that makes you uncomfortable with your body in an odd way like having legs, I think amputation is the best solution.