Vodstok's [i]Gloom[/i]: A critical discussion

[Stingy Jack]

I have no fucking clue where that series of winkies came from.

[Vodstok]

hey, they made me smile anyway :)

I think that is awesome. Maybe i will have some time to work on it this weekend, but regardless, i think i am going to download this thread onto my pc so i dont lose it.

Not that you need my approval, but you strike me as an excellent teacher, stingy. I really appreciate you taking the time to do this. Feel free to do the same with my other stories if you have the time/inc;ination.

Also, i will let you know as soon as i have made the changes. If you want, i will send you a plain-text version that should be easier for you to print out.

[Stingy Jack]

:) Thanks for the compliment. I only teach one Creative Writing class a semester, but it is always the class I love the most. I love talking about writing. And helping you with your work is not a completely selfless act. It also helps me with my own work!

But, I'm not done talking to you about this yet. I finally figured out your opening line:

"Echoes of screams. An endless cacophony that reverberates in my mind every time I close my eyes. A tiny glimmer of hope dangled before my eyes like a carrot on a string."

You mean that despite the horrifying memory, the soldier still has hope. I think you should modify the last sentence in the above quote to make this more clear. Maybe something like: "Even now, despite what I've seen and heard, a tiny glimmer of hope ... " Something like that.

I want to talk about theme, or purpose, if I may. Do you have the time?

[Vodstok]

Yes i do, about an hour and a half in fact :)


I suddenly realised one of the problems with that opening. it is supposed to be saying that there is no hope, that the character is being tortured by being teased by the possibility of hope. Jesus, i need to rewritte that line...

[Stingy Jack]

And this idea of "hopelessness" is an excellent transistion to what I'm about to write.

Horror authors write with the purpose of exploring what makes us afraid (at the least, the good ones do. The others write with the purpose of grossing us out. But, I'm sure by now you know how I feel about that.) Lovecraft, for example, wrote his stories based on fear of the unknown, combined with the idea that man is actually a helpless insect in the grand scheme of things. Stephen King writes about how truly horrible things can happen to your average, everyday Joe (for the most part), and the idea that evil can rear its ugly head in even the most common of places.

Judging from your previous posts in other threads, and the things you have written in Gloom, I take it that you are exploring the idea of hopelessness, combined with Lovecraft's fear of the unknown and King's idea about evil in common places. The hopelessness theme is easily identified. It's right there in the opening! The fear of the unknown is a given since we are thrust into a dark world we know nothing about ... and horrible things happen on a regular basis. The last one, evil in the commonplace, is more subtle. You do this by taking an animal that we normally associate as harmless (a turtle), and turn it into a relentless, hideous beast. The scene where the turtle follows your soldier is truly creepy! And you mention this idea again: "Since that day, all manner of usually harmless animals (and some plants) have attacked or followed me." I like this. It adds to the idea that nothing is safe, thus increasing your main idea of hopelessness. But, you have to be careful with it. Your turtle scene was well done. However, I read a book titled "The Rising" by Brian Keene (I think) which contains a scene where zombified deer attack and kill a hunter. I think he was going for the same effect you did, only he ended up scoring an 8 out of 10 on the unintentional comedy scale. Make sure you don't have any killer bunnies or shit like that! :D

I really can't wait to see how you develop your ideas on hopelessness. I think this would be a difficult thing to do because, as long as your narrator is alive, there is always hope. And we know that he doesn't die, because he lives to tell us his tale. You see? This is another drawback to using first person for this story in particular. We know he survives. Unless, of course, you're going to pull a Sixth Sense on us and have it turn out that he was really dead all along. . . . . . . ?

[Vodstok]

Nah, I think ripping off M Night Shyamalan would get me lynched, and not by his fans...

I'm trying to write it almost like a journal, like the reader could concievably find a book sitting in an old building ans start reading through it. If i can pull that off, then there is always suspense, because the author could have died in between chapters, effectively ending the story.

For some reason this made me think of that part in the holy grail where Brother Maynard is reading the Aramaic scripture on the wall, and they find out the grail is kept in the castle Arrgh. :)


And dont worry. No killer bunnies. that, too, has been done before :)

[Stingy Jack]

I see what you mean. Good idea! Like you could end it with something like:

"They're right outside. I can hear them, their infernal huffing and clawing, on the other side of the door. I still have one bullet."

The end.

That is a good technique. That would totally mess with those of us who thought: "Hey, he's telling us the story. He's going to live." lol

[Vodstok]

Who knows? If i ever get time, there could be some images to go with the story.... But i hope the imagery in the story is good enough.

Once it gets into things full swing, it should be even more interesting. The story itself is pretty straight foward, but the goings-on are complex.


And it wont be completely devoid of gore.....:D

One other thing, as you can tell, i take a great deal of inspiration from games and the like (most anything im exposed to). Doom 3 comes out on August 3rd, and I'm DYING to get my grubby little paws on it. I cant wait to see what kind of twisted visions it gives me :)


I actually listened to the background "music" from quake while writing chapter 1. It helps, a lot.

[Stingy Jack]

Well, let me know when you get the modifications done. I would love to read it! I don't feel like I know the story enough to give a full-blown critique as it is ... so, hopefully you will have added much more to it by the time I read it again.

This was fun! Thanks for being so open to my suggestions. I have to run now, though. I have to hunt down more boxes with which to pack. Moving day is fastly arriving. :rolleyes:

[Vodstok]

Same here. I enjoyed it immensely :D

I think i already said this, but feel free to do the same for my other stuff, if you feel like it:

Father Dillon's Funeral

Bearwood

Please go easy on Bearwood, I was 19 when i wrote it. It was actually my first short story.

I have 3 that i am actively writing right now. 2 horror, 1 sci-fi. Expect me to pimp them MERCILESSLY when they are finished :)

Good luck with the packing. My fiance and i close on our house on the 30th. Cant wait.....