Quote:
Originally Posted by cheebacheeba
Props, man.
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Thanks cheebs! I have been so damn proud of myself lately. I mean since I have moved out here my life has completely started turning around in such a positive way. I'm physically healthier, I have reached a point of subconscious understanding where I am able to deal with and let go of things from my past.
I've been stressed a little lately though because every time I get on Facebook all I see are Donald Trump supporters and haters blowing up on each other just for saying hello and me being extremely empathic as is, it breaks my heart to see the way our own people are treating each other when our government is purposely trying to destroy us.
Anyway, back on point, I have noticed myself gaining so much more confidence as of late like my psychedelic experience at the beginning of the month has put my brain in this beautiful overdrive and has begun reconstructing my ego to make me stronger, more confident and far less passive than I have ever been. I love this new me! I can still get worked up and be a hothead at times but I'm working on finding a balance between my aggressive side and my sensitive side.
I kind of wish now I had never asked on here the other day about the whole thing with my grandpa because I realized that if I had to ask here, without being able to make the decision on my own, then the answer was no, I shouldn't cut my grandfather out of my life. However, a lot from my past I buried away in my subconscious has been coming back to me lately of things my grandfather did to me in the past or things he neglected to do that he could have and I just realized that he really doesn't give a shit about me beyond his self interpreted obligations as my grandfather, which I believe is a promise he was making to either my mother or my grandmother to not let anything happen to me. For example, when I was still in high school, I went with my mom and her husband out to Bristol, Tennessee, which is about two and a half hours from where I used to live. They got arrested for being drunk in public and my grandparents had to come get me. The entire way home my grandfather yelled and screamed at like everything was my fault which he had never done, and scared the hell out of my grandmother, which I had never seen him do. Then, when I was younger than that, my mother was with a guy who beat the fuck out of both of us on a regular basis and my grandparents knew it but they never stepped in until there was a night when her boyfriend busted my face up really bad. It was horribly bruised, both of my eyes were blackened, and I had a huge gash on my chin. My blood was all over the place in my mother's house and would you know it, since there was physical evidence of the abuse, my grandparents decided to step in and save face. Then as if that's not enough, when my grandmother died, it was on a Friday, and everybody knew that my girlfriend at the time and I were driving down to Myrtle Beach on that Sunday. No one called or messaged me on Facebook or emailed me to tell me that my grandmother had died. I didn't know anything happened at all until we got to the beach late Sunday night and I sent my grandfather a message on Facebook and asked him how she was doing and he told me she died Friday and her funeral was that next morning. There was no way in hell we would have had enough time to get back and we were exhausted on top of that so I didn't get to go to the funeral and now everyone hates me for it. Even my mother, who actually died six months later from drinking herself to death, threatened to kill me if she ever saw me again.
So I tried talking to my grandfather about this and telling him how I felt and how I feel like he has treated me and not only would he never let me even get anything out, all he could ever tell me is that everything was in my head which I am not stupid and it insults my intelligence so much that he would not only refuse to own up to all the shit he has done to me, but to say that I'm making it up? Hell, I've even been talking to my best friend since the fourth grade about this and even he had seen the things that were going on but he just never wanted to tell me because he knew I probably wouldn't believe him and would end up despising him for it, and he's right. I always held my grandfather on this pedestal like he was the greatest thing ever. I looked at him as my real father because he has done more for me then my real father or mother ever
did for me. It is true he has helped me out so much but giving someone money and helping them out financially, and loving them and showing them you care are two completely different things. So needless to say, after I told him how I felt he blocked me on Facebook. They never accepted me. They all hated my father and my father's family because of the way my father treated my mother. He put her in the hospital so many times and he even raped my babysitter which is what led to his suicide basically. My dad's family are pieces of shit. They turn their backs on me years and years ago. They always denied my dad ever laid a hand on her even though I saw so much. Since I came out of that marriage though, I feel like my mother's family despised me because I came from my father. They all knew how much I hurt over the years. I was really close with my cousins before high school. My older cousin, Amy, was a senior when I was a freshman and at school would completely avoid me. Then once I was a senior, my cousin Gregory was a freshman and he avoided me at school. After all of us graduated, they never had anything else to do with me. I mean they would talk to me if I talked to them but that was it and then after my grandmother died the entire family went ghost on me. No matter how many times I tried to talk to them and ask them what they had against me they ignored me. They didn't even acknowledge me. Then when I would talk to my grandfather to try to find something out, like clockwork, it's all in my head and I'm feeling sorry for myself despite the fact that phrase has nothing to do with anything, that was always one of his go to phrases for whatever it was I was trying to talk to him about.
Right now I am very hurt and I am very angry. I guess I always had it in my head because my grandfather was my grandfather, he could do no wrong. I think he counted on me basically staying dumb and with all of my repressed feelings locked away until he was long gone but luckily for me, I am evolving and since I finally stood up to him and tried to get some sort of closure or answer or anyting, it's all in my head. So yeah, fuck him and fuck that family. They are all dead to me and I just need to accept that the only people who ever truly did love me are gone and I will never get them back.