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It's "Seduce Feces Joe Night" at Bobby's. None of that predictable touching or lubing is involved. All that stuff has become rather vapid in a world where excitement has been reduced to endless lines of sheeple following one another, nose to bunghole. What Joe is craving is what folks who dwell under bridge abutments call "the real thing". All drinks are served frozen, in plastic "push up" fashion. All "finger foods" are served on the heaving breasts of "Miss Lily "Piscatonni, a geriatric exotic dancer who has agreed to work "for tips". Drink specials include "The Auger", "Shaved Labia", "Tonsil Tingler" and "Don't Touch Me There". All meals come complete with phallic-inspired utensils. Tumescence of any degree is not tolerated and offenders are thrown head-long down a flight of stairs in order to dissuade such physical reactions. Feces Joe is the only exception to this rule. After all, participants are trying to seduce him. A contest is held to see who can inspire Feces Joe to produce a hard-on, without touching him, while he is seated in stall #1 in the mens room. The winner gets a burned DVD copy of "Behind the Green Door" and all the Don't Touch Me Theres they can handle. There is usually a good crowd for this one, so alternative parking is provided in the Latchkey Funeral Home parking lot across the street. If anyone tries to give you any sh** about parking there, just tell 'em, "I'm going to give Feces Joe a boner." They'll know what ya' mean. There is a small cover charge.
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