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Can I ask you guys a question and get some feedback?
Let's say you have a grandfather who was born and raised in the mountains of Southwest Virginia where I grew up at, and then you have me who came from St Louis and the point being we both came from different worlds, me the city and him the country.
Now let's say out of relative obligation, he has helped me financially but other than that never attempted to develop an emotional bond with me and anytime I would try to talk to him about my feelings I would immediately be silenced and ridiculed and made to feel like I am a pussy for displaying my emotions or feeling sorry for myself.
Growing up I made so many attempts to bond with him and the rest of my family to no avail. When I was a teenager my mother abandoned me and my grandparents took me in for three years because I wouldn't have had anywhere else to go. My grandmother was very compassionate and of all of her grandkids I do think I was her favorite but my grandfather never really saw it that way. I moved to Virginia right after my father killed himself and was a mess, a shell which for a nine-year-old child is not normal or healthy but instead of trying to get me help or find out what was wrong with me, they just sent me to school everyday where the new kid who talked funny got the hell beat out of them just for being fat with glasses and talking funny. I would go home sometimes crying which I know sounds weird for a boy but still, it got to me that much, and my grandmother's excuse was, you only have five years of school left, for years 3 years 2 years and so on as if that's going to make it better. I had so many opportunities to go out with friends and have a social life but they both held me back, why I don't know but because of this I never made any friends and I was a loner and being a loner I never had anyone to talk to about my feelings so I kept everything bottled up inside my entire life only letting things drip from time to time to once again be told by my grandfather to stop feeling sorry for myself. He never offered anything else other than don't feel sorry for yourself. Nothing on how to try to teach myself to get over feeling that way but don't feel sorry for myself.
Now that I have gotten all of that out of the way, my question here is, despite all he has done for me financially, helping me move to Vegas, letting me stay in my mom's house when I had nowhere else to go, and even a few years ago when I had to go to court with my ex, he drove me 4 hours to where I had to go. With all of that said, does it make me a bad guy to cut him out of my life? He is the most positive influence on my life that still living. He's only been one of two major positive influences, the other being my grandmother. I know he feels something because he's helping me but it feels more like obligation than because he truly wants to help me. Money doesn't mean love though and the fact that anytime I try to talk to him about my problems or issues or about anything deep he immediately Cuts me off.
Am I wrong for closing that chapter of my life? Since moving here eight months ago I have progressed so much internally. It's not just from the drugs, it's just getting a loan and having to rely on myself 100%. I was scared to be alone at first but now I treasure this time because I have grown so much in such a short amount of time that it is so astonishing that the human brain can do this. I have a long way to go before I would consider myself fully 100% comfortable with who I am but I am well on my way there. I guess I just felt guilt for telling my grandpa how I feel like he has treated me or along with the rest of the family and I told him that I just can't do this anymore because they make me feel like I should be ashamed of who I am, or what I like even. Hell, there was one time my ex and I went to this place called WonderWorks when we were in Orlando and if you have ever been to one, it's this huge interactive arcade and they even had this one exhibit where you could lay on a bed of nails. You late on this big table with a bunch of holes in it and push the button and the nails all come up at once and lift you up and it didn't hurt or anything and even kids could do it but when I told my grandmother I did it, being all excited about it, she told me I am a disgrace to the family.
I'm still trying to figure out how I never blew my brains out.
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