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No spoilers
Well... I sure watched it, and it sure was something. But it wasn’t Suspiria.
While it certainly had more to do with what you’d expect from a dance school run by witches, this remake/imagining/boot/whatever is largely forgettable aside from some decent acting and a few great sequences.
If it wasn’t called Suspiria, I might view it more positively. But, since it is, the comparisons to the original hamstring it almost immediately out of the gate. While it has its share of disturbing imagery, it comes across as kind of passionless and drab. Gone are Argento’s vibrant colors and dreamlike imagery, in favor of World War II grays and an overall subdued palette. There are some good sequences and body horror, but the original makes you feel like you were watching someone else’s nightmare, like there is something awful around every corner that makes you hold your breath, and that is nowhere to be found here.
Another big point against it, is the soundtrack. Yes, Thom Yorke is an extremely talented musician, and seems like a decent pick. But, like the visuals, the soundtrack pales in comparison to the original’s iconic score in every way. Radiohead is a good band, but Goblin is fucking Goblin.
Not the worst by any stretch, but I’d add it to the list of uninspired and completely unnecessary remakes. My criteria for judging a remake is simple, either update and expand on a classic’s ideas, or take a bad film’s premise and fix it via modern techniques and better filmmaking. This flick does neither.
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