Thanks for the criticism! :D Yeah I guess it didn't have enough detail because I tried to fit the entire story into a single post and I actually had to go back and remove entire paragraphs just so I could post this story.
Next time I might try to write my story down on paper first and then post it without trying to fit it all in one post. I'll make a few posts if I have to. :)
And I'll make sure I spend longer than a couple of hours on planning the story.