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Chapter 7
There were some big changes in my life the next couple of weeks. Jennifer fell into a roll of basically teacher and nothing else. I continued my lessons without any of the fun we used to have. I changed my bandages every day and it seemed like the wounds were starting to heal. I was nervous about rabies but it appears to not be a problem. I kept it clean so that it wouldn’t get infected. Everything else just kept moving forward. I still wanted Jennifer to love me, and a part of me hated her for not even trying. I put so much effort into building a relationship with her. I thought we were going to be something really special.
I saw mother a couple of times, once in the kitchen getting a snack. She hugged me, but she looked like she had been crying for days. Her eyes were sunken into her head and there were huge black rings around them. Her cheeks were wet with tears and when she hugged me I could feel her bones through her skin. She smelled pretty bad, like she hadn’t showered in days. I was really worried about her but she refused to stay out of her room. She refused to spend any time with me at all.
“Im alone.” I said to myself in the mirror one boring afternoon. I tried to think about all of the things that had happened in my life in the last couple of years but everything just felt like a blur of images and false memories. I have been missing a lot of time lately. Sometimes I didn’t even remember having lessons. Most of the time I felt like a stranger in my own head. I could hear my voice telling me things. It almost felt as though I was teaching myself. When I would find a new creature to play with, I would fall into a feeling of absolutely wonder and perfection as I took it apart and examined every little bit of it. Although I knew I was alone, I felt like I was always with me. I didn’t need anyone else because I could disconnect and live inside my head.
Yeah, that worked sometimes, but I really missed spending more time with Jennifer. I still had hope even though I knew that it could never be. I still missed my mother’s occasional touch. But knowing that they were there made things a little easier to deal with.
I started to talk to people online to try and replace my time with Jennifer. But I realized that other kids my age had completely different interests. I wanted to talk about anatomy, and learn new methods. Knowing that I couldn’t tell people about my habit. I read a study once that said that killing animals could be a precursor to killing people. I have had some thoughts like that before, but I don’t think I could make the move to people. Although I am incredibly intrigued by the human body. I haven’t had much physical contact with people in a long time and I almost forgot how nice it is to feel a new person’s skin under my finger.
I started joining boards for college students looking to join the medical field and got some excellent research out of that. In my searching through different boards and following suggestions of people who I thought seemed like minded I stumbled into a snuff chat room. When I first opened the page I saw an image of a girl’s body on the floor, bloody coming from her neck, eyes wide open and a man was fucking her. I was immediately interested. I clicked through to the chat board and realized there are a ton of people talking about this stuff. I might have found somewhere that I can meet people who have the same mindset as me. I suddenly felt a lot less lonely, these people understood.
At first I just watched during almost all of my free time. I read as people laid out what they would like to do to each other. I was completely absorbed in learning more about these people. I read a ton of stories and loved to watch the seedy videos that this group put together. This managed to fill all of the pieces that fell out of my life when mother and Jennifer seemingly hated me.
I remember the first time I spoke on there very clearly. I was reading as two men spoke to a young lady about how they wanted to abduct her and force her into all of these different situations. They talked about how they would pick her up and where they would take her. They spoke about all of the things they wanted to do to her, and she loved it, she was following right along. After an hour or so of talking they came to the end and reached out to the board for ideas on how to dispatch her. I didn’t hesitate at all, I chimed in with “Tie her up by her ankles, run a sharp blade from her pussy to her neck. Make sure she can’t close her eyes so that she can see her insides pour out and over her face as she slowly fades out.” I smiled ear to ear as I received applause and props for my suggestion. I felt so proud of myself. I also felt like I would do anything to see that happen, to do it exactly as they did. I got up from the computer feeling tingly all over and day dreaming all of the things I had just read and slunk over to my bed. I have no clue what time it is, pretty sure it’s really early but I feel exhausted. I fell into bed in my clothes and slept hard.
I continued these afternoons and evenings on the computer. I started to interject more and more and eventually started coming up with ideas of my own and leading some chats. To everyone on the board I was Steven L, a 34 year old living somewhere in the Midwest. I kept everything I could about me under wraps. I am sure they would boot me if they knew how young I actually was, what place did a 12 year old have messing around with this kind of thing.
Some time had passed, I don’t know how much, most of my days were identical. I did make the occasional excursion out to the fort to add some bone fragments to my collection. I was getting pretty efficient at hunting and trapping small animals. And I still loved to watch them die, but now I had a new interest, one that I could share with a select group of people. Then one day I got up and went downstairs for my lesson and Jennifer wasn’t there. She wasn’t on time, nor did she come down at all. I sat in my chair and waited for 20 minutes. Then I decided to go to her room and see if she was ok. I said to myself “Maybe she’s sick, and she just forgot to leave me a note.” I walked upstairs and knocked on her door. Nothing, I called out “Jennifer, are you ok?” Still nothing. Feeling a little bit nervous I decided to go into the room. Thinking she might be in the shower, I didn’t want to just barge in so I went into the guest room next to hers to see if I could hear the shower. It wasn’t running and there was no sound coming from her room. I walked through the open bathroom door and into her bedroom. Out of my peripheral vision as I went through the bathroom I caught a glimpse of the counter and noticed that it was clear.
She was gone. She was completely gone. I fell into a panic and ran through the room. All of her clothes, her shoes, her books, everything had been cleared out. I couldn’t believe she left without saying anything to me. Tears started to roll down my cheeks when a voice rang out inside of my head “Shut the fuck up baby! She didn’t care about you, she probably hated your guts.” I shook my head “She loved me.” I said out loud. I noticed a small note pad on the bed with something written on it. I walked over to it a little shaken and not wanting to read it. But I picked it up and read through it paying close attention to all of the details and noting the sound of desperation in her writing.
Michael,
I know you’ll find this before anyone else does. I have left food for the rest of the week in the refrigerator, hopefully your mom will find someone to replace me by then. I know this is probably confusing to you, but I can’t get passed what happened. If you were older we would be together. I had such great times with you. But it is wrong, in so many ways. When you kissed me, I couldn’t restrain myself and I almost did something I would have really regretted. After thinking about it for the last few months and looking around at other opportunities I have decided to take a live in nanny job with a family on the West Coast. I’m sorry for leaving you like this, but I can’t be there anymore. Please tell your mother that I have gone and ask her to find someone new. Tell her I will not be needing my last check and that I wish her the best. I also wish you the best, I hope you can understand and find a way to forgive me.
You’re Friend,
Jennifer
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