View Full Version : If I may be so bold...
bwind22
05-02-2006, 05:53 AM
I posted this where it belongs (Filmmaker's Forum) but no one really goes there all that often so after a little thought, I decided to post it here as well.
I am in the process of writing a screenplay (My 1st feature length) and I just completed the 1st rough draft of the 1st scene and would really like any and all feedback (positive or negative) anyone can offer. So if it's not too much trouble, please click the link below, which will take you over to the thread in the Filmmaker's Forum, give it a quick read (It's pretty short) and let me know what you think.
http://www.horror.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&postid=420105#post420105
Thanks!
P.S. If you are someone that can not stand me or I have been an asshole to over the years, you're still welcome to come check it out too. Think of this as your chance to tear me to shreds while I stand idley by and take it all with a smile in the name of constructive criticism.
:D
i did - it was cool, had one thought but posted it on the thread
bwind22
05-02-2006, 06:18 AM
Without even going to read what you wrote yet, thanks for checking it out!
:)
AUSTIN316426808
05-02-2006, 06:21 AM
Originally posted by bwind22
Would this scene be something that would catch your attention enough in the first couple minutes for you to have enough interest to want to keep watching? Be honest....
To be perfectly honest that's not enough to go on. I'll watch absolutely anything past the first scene.
Angelakillsluts
05-02-2006, 06:24 AM
made my post in the original thread.
Not bad....l do kinda like zero's idea..the little bastard is totally indifferent.
Originally posted by newb
Not bad....l do kinda like zero's idea..the little bastard is totally indifferent.
thanks - i think it would, at least, be a bit different from the usual 'childhood trauma' thing
bwind22
05-02-2006, 06:42 AM
I like Zero's idea too. A lot.
It just doesn't work with what happens to the character really. Here's a little more info, so you can see what I mean... After the credits, it jumps to present day. The kid is now 22, lives with his grandparents, and is in college where he is a total social outcast. One day, he snaps and becomes the killer, but up until that point, hes just a huge social reject (Think Columbine or something).
I don't know... Zero's idea could fit in there somehow, but I kinda had him pictured as not being cruel, cold or calculated until the day in college when he snaps...
I'm definately mulling it over... It could probably work somehow...
If I use it, I'll be sure to give a shout to Zero @ HDC in the end credits. ;)
Originally posted by bwind22
I like Zero's idea too. A lot.
It just doesn't work with what happens to the character really. Here's a little more info, so you can see what I mean... After the credits, it jumps to present day. The kid is now 22, lives with his grandparents, and is in college where he is a total social outcast. One day, he snaps and becomes the killer, but up until that point, hes just a huge social reject (Think Columbine or something).
I don't know... Zero's idea could fit in there somehow, but I kinda had him pictured as not being cruel, cold or calculated until the day in college when he snaps...
I'm definately mulling it over... It could probably work somehow...
If I use it, I'll be sure to give a shout to Zero @ HDC in the end credits. ;)
His apathy at the beginning of the story could be the catalyst for his "snapping".
bwind22
05-02-2006, 07:19 AM
Ooo... I like.
So it'd go like this...
Dad kills mom.
Dad kills self.
Kid checks on mom.
Kid sits down and finishes movie. (This part would be in the background while the camera's main focus is on the growing pool of blood next to dads head and mom's lifeless leg as the credits roll...)
Kids movie ends, he gets up & calmly walks to the phone, dials 911.
Fade out.
Then fade in to present day.
Something like that is what you guys are thinkin? I like it. That could work.
The Flayed One
05-02-2006, 07:26 AM
I'll check it out when time permits.
pinkfloyd45769
05-02-2006, 07:50 PM
I like it, i actually was hoping to read more. I like the idea of the little boy finishing the movie before he calls 911. I could see this whole set up in my head. I pictured the dad in a wife beater with a can of beer in his hand through the whole thing. The only negative thing i was thinking was, i think the woman would have a little fear towards her husband. I think she would hold back from throwing anything at him or even really swearing at him. I really like the whole idea of this, good luck!!
bwind22
05-02-2006, 09:39 PM
Thanks again to everyone that checked it out and gave me feedback.
bwind22
05-02-2006, 10:19 PM
Just FYI for everyone that gave their input, I have posted the 2nd draft of the 1st scene over in the other thread for anyone that's interested in seeing how much their contributions have already factored in.
In the revamped version, I made the mother meeker and less confrontational, elimated approx. 50% of the swearing, gave some added girth to the second half of the scene and also put in the ending suggested by Zero.
Let me know what you think of the modifications if you don't mind. Thanks.
AUSTIN316426808
05-02-2006, 10:46 PM
Originally posted by bwind22
Let me know what you think of the modifications if you don't mind. Thanks.
I guess it's better, but I think the first one gave the impression that this has been going on for awhile and she was just fucking sick of it and snapped on him. For whatever reason I just liked it better that way.
Couple people menitoned that she would be afraid of him and not be so bold and that making her meek creates sympathy. Well, if she's tired of all the bullshit because it's been going on for so long then I think she would be bold enough to flat out confront him about it. If she's ready to get divorced and he's fucked up enough to kill himself then this isn't the second or third time, it's been going on for awhile and it's reached it peak and now it's ready to blow.
As for creating sympathy...For what? Her husband's a fucking loser who's beating her, that alone will create more than enough sympathy for someone who dies in the first scene anyway.
Originally posted by pinkfloyd45769
I pictured the dad in a wife beater with a can of beer in his hand through the whole thing.
I must interject here.....why oh why , and i'm not faulting you pink, are all wife beaters depicted as beer drinkers.It really gives us beer drinkers a bad name. I drink beer.....i've never laid a hand on my wife.......but Hollywood and society itself has deemed us "bad, beer drinking, dirty t-shirt wearing, wife beating, slobs.
I'm making a stand for ALL the beer drinkers on this site.......let your voices be heard....WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE.
whew.....i feel better
The Flayed One
05-03-2006, 05:25 AM
I have never owned a wife:D therefore I have never had the chance to beat one.
Seriously, though, I am a huge fan of our cold tasty friend The Beer. I have went through several relationships while drinking and have never beaten my girlfriend. Unless you coun't me whipping her ass at Soul Caliber II and taunting her for it. Dammit, though, she knew I only did it 'cause I loved her and had been stressed out at work.:p
pinkfloyd45769
05-03-2006, 06:38 AM
Originally posted by newb
I must interject here.....why oh why , and i'm not faulting you pink, are all wife beaters depicted as beer drinkers.It really gives us beer drinkers a bad name. I drink beer.....i've never laid a hand on my wife.......but Hollywood and society itself has deemed us "bad, beer drinking, dirty t-shirt wearing, wife beating, slobs.
I'm making a stand for ALL the beer drinkers on this site.......let your voices be heard....WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE.
whew.....i feel better I pictured this guylooking like someone i know who acted/acts just like this guy. I drink beer and lots of it(not so much at the time) and i would never think you or anyone else on this site would act anything like the guy in the story. Like i said, i just couls so clearly see the guy i know doing this and someday i believe he will snap just like this. Sorry if i offended you or anyone else!
Originally posted by pinkfloyd45769
I pictured this guylooking like someone i know who acted/acts just like this guy. I drink beer and lots of it(not so much at the time) and i would never think you or anyone else on this site would act anything like the guy in the story. Like i said, i just couls so clearly see the guy i know doing this and someday i believe he will snap just like this. Sorry if i offended you or anyone else!
You could never offend me pink:)
I was just pointing out [ tongue-in-cheeck] a stereotype that you see in movies, on TV, in print.
bloodrayne
05-03-2006, 07:36 AM
Originally posted by newb
I'm making a stand for ALL the beer drinkers on this site.......let your voices be heard....WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE.I'll stand behind you on this one, Newb...I agree...You are all good 'beer stinky' people...lol :p
You know I love you:)
BTW...Does the thought of me 'standing behind you' make you nervous?...*hides razorwire garrotte, dagger, and syringe*...heh
AUSTIN316426808
05-03-2006, 07:56 AM
Originally posted by newb
I must interject here.....why oh why , and i'm not faulting you pink, are all wife beaters depicted as beer drinkers.It really gives us beer drinkers a bad name. I drink beer.....i've never laid a hand on my wife.......but Hollywood and society itself has deemed us "bad, beer drinking, dirty t-shirt wearing, wife beating, slobs.
I'm making a stand for ALL the beer drinkers on this site.......let your voices be heard....WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE.
I think the stereotype is alcholics more than casual beer drinkers. Which are 2 totally different types of people.