advice needed here..pretty sad .

[stubbornforgey]

My 12 yr old daughter is going through
the usual youngun pmsing stage right
now and there is nothing either of us can do to snap her out of it.
However..my children are very much a mirror of me , personality wise , self esteem etc..hrmmm..untill recently.
My 10 yr old is tall..skinny ..people have openly commented that she would suit being a model..(like fuck too is my answer),oh and very lazy.
My 12 yr old is tall..she has dark olive complexion..ebony eyes and chubby.
For some ungodly reason she has totally lost her self esteem.It was because of her
i went back to the gym as she begged me to help her lose weight.
She is beautiful..she is not fat ..as she mildly puts it..she won't listen when we tell her that its only puppy fat and it may go when she starts her cycle.
We constantly tell her she is not fat ..and it doesn't matter anyway..your still a beautiful child and we love you very much for who you are etc.
She has even put herself on a strict diet..to my total disgust.
We never make comparisons to her and her sister..as far as we are concerned..they are both equally beautiful.
Last night ..her and her sister had an arguement and her sister called her fatso..to a slap across the mouth from me .My 12 year old cried and cried..very heartbroken sobs..my husband and i laid with her untill she finally cried herself to sleep.
My child even exercises to a point that i have to tell her to stop and rest...
What more can we do..we have tried everything to restore her self esteem.
Its sad when i drop her off at school and she walks in with slumped shoulders.
Shes very fit..very active in sports..
I hate going clothes shopping cos i see the look on her face when she sees clothes that she would love to wear but
she knows she can't fit.
Don't answer if its a smart ass comment..we are talking about my child here..please (insert teary eyed mother).

[noctuary]

I don't have children of my own, so I can't give you the benefit of any direct experience, but I can give you the best advice I can from what I remember about my sisters and child psychology classes. At that age, it's very common for children to lost confidence in their own appearance and self-esteem. This happens to boys as well as girls. From everything you've said though, it sounds like you're doing exactly what you should. Just keep supporting her, let her know that you still love her and that her appearance is just fine. If it becomes a serious problem, such as an eating disorder or anything along those lines, you and your daughter should probably seek professional help. Sorry if this was no help. I hope everything turns out okay.

[ItsAlive75]

You should ask this in the "Dear IA" thread... heard he's got good advice.

[Haunted]

IA, you know I adore you, but she specifically asked for no smart-ass answers. If you were trying to make her giggle a little you should have said so. Again, I love you to pieces, but that was innapropriate.

Stubborn, I so went through what your daughter is going through. You're absolutely right. When she starts her menses, she's going to loose weight an possibly pretty quickly. I know I did. It's all the hormone imbalance we have to deal with as women. In all honesty, a bit of her weight could be water as she grows closer to her cycles.

This is my advice to you... WATCH HER!! She is a prime candidate for developing an eating disorder. She looks in the mirror and sees someone much bigger than she actually is. Her self-esteem is WAY lower than it should be.

I'm really glad you took the upper hand with your other daughter. Maybe you should talk to her about being more supportive of her sister. You gotta keep her from making her sis feel worse about herself. Sounds like you're doing pretty well in that department.

Becareful of any counselors (Yeah, it's me saying this). They might try to put her on antidepressants. She's too young for that shit. If she looses the weight and still remains depressed and down... then you might think about it. Keep it a last resort, and this is from a gal that has been on Lithium since I was 13.

[stubbornforgey]

Originally posted by Haunted
IA, you know I adore you, but she specifically asked for no smart-ass answers. If you were trying to make her giggle a little you should have said so. Again, I love you to pieces, but that was innapropriate.

Stubborn, I so went through what your daughter is going through. You're absolutely right. When she starts her menses, she's going to loose weight an possibly pretty quickly. I know I did. It's all the hormone imbalance we have to deal with as women. In all honesty, a bit of her weight could be water as she grows closer to her cycles.

This is my advice to you... WATCH HER!! She is a prime candidate for developing an eating disorder. She looks in the mirror and sees someone much bigger than she actually is. Her self-esteem is WAY lower than it should be.

I'm really glad you took the upper hand with your other daughter. Maybe you should talk to her about being more supportive of her sister. You gotta keep her from making her sis feel worse about herself. Sounds like you're doing pretty well in that department.

Becareful of any counselors (Yeah, it's me saying this). They might try to put her on antidepressants. She's too young for that shit. If she looses the weight and still remains depressed and down... then you might think about it. Keep it a last resort, and this is from a gal that has been on Lithium since I was 13.

Thank you for that sister boo..
I need to hear from somebody who
possibly knows whats going on.
Its scary as a mother to see and heartbreaking to hear from her child..
Why am i so fat..!!!
Do you think counselling would be an ideal , final solution ??
Em truly worried about this and still can't understand where its all coming from.

[Haunted]

Talk to her doctor and see what (s)he says about counselling. Some of those folks are really really cool (like my psychiatrist...absolutely NOT a pill pusher) some of them are going to want to put her on meds. You know what those meds do? Make you gain weight. If you get a doctor that wants to put her on meds, get a second opinion.

She's getting ready to become a woman. It's a hard time. The reason she's so weepy might also be because of the big change. I was extremely weepy around that time.

Look, I have bipolar disorder. That's why I am on meds. That's a health problem (keeping in the idea that the mind is not a seperate entity from the body). I got a second opinion...and so on. Nothing changed, every diagnosis came back bipolar.

That's an illness. What your daughter is going through is not an illness. It's a rite of passage. It's hard, really hard.

Damnit, I wished we lived close. I could come over with hot tea and Barenjager (a stout honey based liquor). We could chat about it all night if you wanted to.

If she starts skipping meals and then going for long exorsizes, that's a warning of anorexia. If she developes that, and many young women do, it is not only a good idea to get a counsellor, it's an imperative.

Keep her close and your eyes on her until she's out of this funk. Once she starts her cycles, she'll be better.

When Bloodrayne gets online, I'm positive she's going to have some great advice.

[stubbornforgey]

I rang the school this morning and they told me they were going to call me about her lunches..and if we needed food grants or something..cos apprently she has been going to school with nothing to eat..
damn!!The lunches we pack for our children . salad sammies ..fruit bars..fruit juices..apples and oranges..and chippies...
yoghurt and we put in what we call a mystery pack..its usually a treat ..like a choccie biscuit or choccie milk.
When they were younger..they totally loved it .
Em going to sit her down tonight and have a heart to heart with her.
:(

[bloodrayne]

Originally posted by Haunted
When Bloodrayne gets online, I'm positive she's going to have some great advice. Actually...I'm not sure if my advice is very good because I would go in a completely different direction...

I don't do the drug thing...and I have very little faith in/patience for counselors/psychologists/etcetera...But, what do I know?


My personal approach is to teach self-reliance....First of all, you are her mother, you know her better than ANY therapist could ever hope to....YOU can talk to her and help her....If you aren't sure which questions to ask to determine which course to take, you can find TONS of information on the internet about ANY subject...You can use that to help you...

If it were my daughter...I would talk to her...Find out how she feels and WHY she feels the way she does...If it's only because she feels that she's overweight, work on THAT problem, don't try to make things more difficult...It doesn't HAVE to be a mental health issue, I wouldn't even consider that avenue because I already KNOW that my daughter is mentally stable, as I have known her all of her life....

Anyway...I would help her to lose weight....You said you are going to the gym with her and she is very active, that's great, it will make it much easier.....

What about a diet?....You said she isn't eating, so she is going to try to 'diet' with or without your help.....Join her, make sure that she's doing it in a healthy way...Instead of not eating at all, teach her how to count calories and fat grams, it isn't that difficult...At her age, it should help her to lose weight relatively easily.....Set a goal (ideal weight), make certain it's a realistic goal...Tell her that she can take weekends off so that she can dine out with the family or friends, and not feel weird about it......

BTW, dieting through the week and taking the weekends off, actually makes it much easier to stick to a diet longer, and in turn makes it work better...This is the main reason why: If you give yourself a certain amount of time to lose weight, like a year or a few months or whatever, then any time you start wanting something you shouldn't have (cake, candy, even cheeseburgers) you will think to yourself "I can't have any of that for a LONG time" (it is very discouraging, and usually makes people give up).....BUT, if you take weekends off...You never have to wait more than 5 days....Like, if it's Monday and you want tacos, just eat a salad and tell yourself you can have tacos on Saturday...ANYONE can make it 5 days....It DOES work, my daughter and I both have done it;)....

Then you go get weighed every friday evening, keep a journal, write down your weightloss every week so you can see your progress (sometimes it's only a pound or 2 per week, but it all adds up, and some weeks it can be 5-10 pounds, especially in the beginning)....

If YOU could lose a little weight yourself, turn it into a competition, that's an EXCELLENT motivator...Whoever loses the most weight at the end of each week, gets $1...That's how WE did it...It wasn't really the $1 (or losing one) that was the incentive of course....It was the thrill of competition itself...

In short...If she wants to lose weight...Encourage her...Make sure she does it the right (healthy) way....This will show her that you have enough faith in her to believe that she knows what she needs and wants, that you are listening and taking her seriously, and that you care enough about her to help her acheive her goal....She WILL lose weight...Which will make her feel better about herself and closer to you for understanding and for helping her...

This will also make her feel that SHE is in control of her life, and that SHE can accomplish things for herself...It's great for the self esteem...Gives you a sense of your own personal power:)

I would think that taking her 'for counseling' would make her feel like something is REALLY wrong with her...And she is already feeling insecure

Packing 'diet' lunches, may encourage her to eat lunch, too

On a side note....Make sure the sister NEVER does anything like that again...That isn't only extremely painful, it's also very discouraging, especially when it comes from a family member...It could make her feel like giving up...Which leads to FAR worse problems than trying to lose weight...

[stubbornforgey]

Thank you very much rayne and haunted..
and you are right..she is my daughter and em gonna stop wimping out on.
Can somebody lock this thread ..
'on the humor side a little'


awwwwwwwwwwww mannnnn.go without my cakes on a week day...sheesh..shoot me now..'

I always pegged myself to be a perfect mum and always beleived my family were immuned to crap like this..obviously em wrong.
Thank you both very much

can somebody lock this thread plz.