The "NO DRAMA" thread

[newb]

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.



And from the sky comes a booming voice...

"Shit, I missed."

[Angra]

BOOOOOOOH!!!

GET OFF THE STAGE!!

[newb]

Customer Service Call

This is supposed to be actual Dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. I can't believe someone could be this stupid.

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?" "They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall! ." "Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."


"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

[The Flayed One]

Hmmm...normally I'd be buying a case of St. Paulie Girl tonight, but I think I'm going to get risque and perhaps pick up a bottle of Ketel One...forsooth...



http://www.lib.washington.edu/drama/images/drama4.gif

[Angra]

Originally posted by The Flayed One
Hmmm...normally I'd be buying a case of St. Paulie Girl tonight, but I think I'm going to get risque and perhaps pick up a bottle of Ketel One...forsooth...



http://www.lib.washington.edu/drama/images/drama4.gif



What were you saying about my momma, punk?!!:mad:

[newb]

St Paulie Girl is a fine brew. I think i will be starting off my weekend with a couple of Long Trail "Hibernator"s. A nice malty brew.
http://www.longtrail.com/ewebeditpro4wifx1/upload/hibernator.jpg

Then off to the local night-spot to see my friends band.[ a blues/rock mix ]

[The Flayed One]

Originally posted by Angra
What were you saying about my momma, punk?!!:mad:


Nooooooooo!

http://members.aol.com/zaku2ms06/donotwant.jpg

[The Flayed One]

I've never tried the Hibernator before. Where is it from?

[Angra]

Originally posted by The Flayed One
Nooooooooo!

http://members.aol.com/zaku2ms06/donotwant.jpg

:D

[newb]

Originally posted by The Flayed One
I've never tried the Hibernator before. Where is it from?

Vermont

[wood_elf_pansy]

I am so not sober!! the above posted by Newb was so funny to me.

[newb]

On a tour of Alaska, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
mountains for some sight seeing. He was cruising along the campground in
the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of
the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the
Whales"

T-shirt and a Tree Hugger Hat, was struggling frantically, thrashing
around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came
racing up. One quickly fired a 338 magnum into the bear's chest. The
other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from
the bear.
Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and two
of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly
placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give
you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there
was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now
I've seen with my own eyes that that is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was
that guy ?"

"It was the Pope," another replied, "he's in direct contact with God and
has access to all God's wisdom"

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he
sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting..............is the bait
holding up okay or do we need to go back into town and grab another
one?"

[filmmaker2]

This is how the tyrannosaurus scene in King Kong originally played out before they changed it:

********************************

TREX: I'm sorry but you look just like a little olive to me.

ANN: Noooooooo! Noooooooooo!!!!

TREX (bending down to grab her): Oh this is gonna be good. Oh yeah!

ANN: Oh my God, oh my God!!

KONG: Hey! What are you doing?? GIMME that!

(KONG GRABS ANN AND EATS HER REALLY QUICK.)

KONG: Womp! Mmmmph, mmmph, glgmmmmph, munch munch. Mmmm, hey that was good.

TREX: You ruined my day. You suck.

KONG: Ahhhh, shaddup.

TREX: Oh all right.

[newb]

Originally posted by filmmaker2
This is how the tyrannosaurus scene in King Kong originally played out before they changed it:

********************************

TREX: I'm sorry but you look just like a little olive to me.

ANN: Noooooooo! Noooooooooo!!!!

TREX (bending down to grab her): Oh this is gonna be good. Oh yeah!

ANN: Oh my God, oh my God!!

KONG: Hey! What are you doing?? GIMME that!

(KONG GRABS ANN AND EATS HER REALLY QUICK.)

KONG: Womp! Mmmmph, mmmph, glgmmmmph, munch munch. Mmmm, hey that was good.

TREX: You ruined my day. You suck.

KONG: Ahhhh, shaddup.

TREX: Oh all right.

Stick to special effects.....your screenwriting needs work:D

[ItsAlive75]

Ahem...

There once was a man from Nantucket
whose penis was shaped like a bucket
His gal liked his dick
but they broke up real quick
cuz she tried but she just couldn't suck it

[newb]

Originally posted by ItsAlive75
Ahem...

There once was a man from Nantucket
whose penis was shaped like a bucket
His gal liked his dick
but they broke up real quick
cuz she tried but she just couldn't suck it

I should introduce him to my cousin Sophie.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v259/rockinmule/big-mouth-girl-small.jpg

[ItsAlive75]

Originally posted by newb
I should introduce him to my cousin Sophie.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v259/rockinmule/big-mouth-girl-small.jpg

hahahaha

[newb]

Real or Fake

This is a boob test....the link WILL show you boobies....if you are too sensitive to see a womans breast.....don't click.

Its also a pretty easy test....i scored 19 out of 20.


http://transload.net/~zaphod/text/silicon.html

[stubbornforgey]

Originally posted by newb
Customer Service Call

This is supposed to be actual Dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. I can't believe someone could be this stupid.

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?" "They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall! ." "Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."


"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

hahahahahahaha..
yes this is an actual phone conversation...the customer services
person got the sack for it.
This happened about 7 years ago ..
GO THE AUSSIES !!!!
fucking funny .
Theres another one ..customer service
Rheem hot water cylinders.
track that down...thats fucking hilarious too.

[The Mothman]

Originally posted by ItsAlive75
Ahem...

There once was a man from Nantucket
whose penis was shaped like a bucket
His gal liked his dick
but they broke up real quick
cuz she tried but she just couldn't suck it
I have no idea why i found this as funny as i did.

[mothermold]

an oldie but goldie.

There was a Priest and a Nun crossing the desert on a camel one day when a terrible sand storm came. It lasted for 6 hours and when it finally cleared they were horrified to see their camel was dead. They had no food or water and the situation looked hopelss. The Priest turned to the Nun and said "Sister, seeing as we are going to die out here, can you grant me one wish?"
The Nun said "Yes Father, what is your final wish?"
"In all my years in the church I’ve never seen a pair of breasts before." said the Priest. The Nun was a bit shocked but lifted her robes to show off her tits in all their glory. The Priest smiled and said "Thankyou Sister."
Then the Nun turned to the Priest and said "Father, in all my years in the church I have never seen a man’s ’thingy’ before. Is it alright for you to show me?" The priest happily agreed and got his junk out. The Nun studied it intensly. The Priest had his eyes closed and was rising to attention as the Nun touched it with fascination. The Priest said with a smile on his face, "Sister, do you know that when it’s placed in certain ’areas’ it can give life?"
And the Nun looked and at him and said "WELL STICK IT UP THIS CAMELS ARSE AND LETS GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!!"

[mothermold]

hand job.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sighn above the bar that reads..
ham sandwich’s $2
chicken sandwich’s $3
hand jobs $4

so the man walks up to the hot woman with big tits behind the bar and ask’s excuse me are you the one who does the hand jobs?
she smiles at him and sais yes

the man then replies can you wash your hands i would like a ham sandwich.

[mothermold]

two vampires....

Two vampires walk into a bar. The bartender asks what will u be having
tonight? One vampire says warm blood and the other says water. The
bartender asks "why dont you want blood 2night sir? And the vampire pulls
out a tampon and replyd Im makin tea.

[stubbornforgey]

Originally posted by mothermold
an oldie but goldie.

There was a Priest and a Nun crossing the desert on a camel one day when a terrible sand storm came. It lasted for 6 hours and when it finally cleared they were horrified to see their camel was dead. They had no food or water and the situation looked hopelss. The Priest turned to the Nun and said "Sister, seeing as we are going to die out here, can you grant me one wish?"
The Nun said "Yes Father, what is your final wish?"
"In all my years in the church I’ve never seen a pair of breasts before." said the Priest. The Nun was a bit shocked but lifted her robes to show off her tits in all their glory. The Priest smiled and said "Thankyou Sister."
Then the Nun turned to the Priest and said "Father, in all my years in the church I have never seen a man’s ’thingy’ before. Is it alright for you to show me?" The priest happily agreed and got his junk out. The Nun studied it intensly. The Priest had his eyes closed and was rising to attention as the Nun touched it with fascination. The Priest said with a smile on his face, "Sister, do you know that when it’s placed in certain ’areas’ it can give life?"
And the Nun looked and at him and said "WELL STICK IT UP THIS CAMELS ARSE AND LETS GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!!"


hahahahahahahahahaha!!!

[mothermold]

making love.

Doctor: Do you watch your husbands face while making love?
Lady: I did once & saw anger.
Doctor: why?
Lady: Because he was watching from the window

[mothermold]

this is a good one.

dildo dilemma:

A man and women are happily married, but the only problem is when ever they have a root, he turns off the lights,the miss’s has no problem with it until now, being sick of her husbands habit, she decide’s during sex to turn on the light, to her shock her husband has a dildo in his hand, "you impotent bastard" so thats how you’ve fuck me all these years, "well hurry up explain yourself you fucking asshole". ok replies the husband "i will explain about the dildo if you can explain our three fucking kids."

[mothermold]

big ass grill.

there was a women and her husband pulling weeds in the garden he looks up and says damn honey your ass is as big as my new grill ,yes honey it is,the women just looked up and smiled,later that night he felt a lil frisky she looked at him and said if you think im gonna fire this big ass up for one lil wieney your crazy!!!!!!ha ha

[mothermold]

one more then i'll shut up.


A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ’the
prison’ and call my private thing ’the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He yells at her, "Damn, its not a life sentence bitch,OKAY!"

[Elvis_Christ]

Originally posted by newb
St Paulie Girl is a fine brew. I think i will be starting off my weekend with a couple of Long Trail "Hibernator"s. A nice malty brew.
http://www.longtrail.com/ewebeditpro4wifx1/upload/hibernator.jpg

Then off to the local night-spot to see my friends band.[ a blues/rock mix ]

I only drink VB at the moment
http://image.blog.livedoor.jp/apricot_australia/imgs/5/f/5f152e65.jpg
^^ That photo is pure fuckin' art!

[santan'spawn666]

Originally posted by mothermold
one more then i'll shut up.


A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ’the
prison’ and call my private thing ’the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He yells at her, "Damn, its not a life sentence bitch,OKAY!" That's sick and funny.

[stubbornforgey]

Originally posted by Elvis_Christ
I only drink VB at the moment
http://image.blog.livedoor.jp/apricot_australia/imgs/5/f/5f152e65.jpg
^^ That photo is pure fuckin' art!

LOL..heathen..
repent i say..steinlager for life..

[Elvis_Christ]

Steinlager is overated. It costs heaps and tastes like shit. VB on the other hand is cheap, good strong taste and gets you WAY more fucked up.

[The Flayed One]

I like Steinlager. Haven't had one forever, though. When I lived in Seattle I had access to all kinds of fine brews. In this horrid small midwestern town I'm currently in, I'm pretty much limited to St. Paulie Girl, Becks & Grolsch. I haven't had a decent Hefeweizen in ages, which hurts my feelings.

[wood_elf_pansy]

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b206/me_as_a_mom/beer1.jpg

[newb]

Had one of these yesterday.....very good.

http://www.zianet.com/spencer/oldchub205.jpg

[newb]

And a couple of these.

http://www.mylifeisbeer.com/beer/bottles/autopics/679.jpg

[newb]

And one of these....

http://www.ratebeer.com/beerimages/full_size/40413.jpg

[mothermold]

Originally posted by newb
Had one of these yesterday.....very good.

http://www.zianet.com/spencer/oldchub205.jpg

this was good.i thought the can would louse it up but it poured well and the taste was nice.

[stubbornforgey]

too many of newbs postings to quote
so em just gonna say this

YOU SLUSH..!!lol

[The Flayed One]

Found a beer I hadn't had in about three years at a grocery! They usually only come in 4packs, but the ABV is astoundingly high! Very thick, kind of syrupy.

Old Rasputin
http://www.bier1.de/images/Old%20Rasputin.JPG

[wood_elf_pansy]

magic beer fridge-http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2691701

watch the llama one(its the last one) http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2685782

[stubbornforgey]

I know where all ya wives are ..:D

Holy crap..every cafe in the area that sells
fancy coffee is just packed with white wimmen ..
and shit unbeleivable..
do they really talk about tommy's little
hair cut ..and the best nail polish in
the world..and how much the hairdresser
charges..
and oh'..gotta get the car waxed before
HE finds out i took it on the motorway..

I called in to get me a plain coffee to go ..HA..i tell the girly behind the counter...no shit..i don't want shares in the company..i just wanna cup of coffee..but not at
4$s ..
will go home and make my own.

[Posher778]

i prefer coke or milk over anything else...


or monster

[mothermold]

at 9.5 this will get'cha tanked...

[bloodrayne]

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking.
One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is
my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I
figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least
like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last
anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the
Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least
like the trip, and she would know that I love her."


The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well
for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I
figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells
her it'll make her fat. "I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter.
Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. "If I bite my
fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?" "You'll be fatter than
that," says her mother. They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a
very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's
belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this
stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, "Excuse me,
but do you know me?" And the little girl says, "No, but I know what you've
been doing..."

[filmmaker2]

these are my little hooties.........

[Thomasgeorge]

kool

[Marroe]

Awwww. Pretty tabby babies. I got one too:)

[Posher778]

Originally posted by Marroe
Awwww. Pretty tabby babies. I got one too:)

Ohhh marroe your kitty looks just like mine. Mine's retarded though, she fell down the stairs today.........again.

[Thomasgeorge]

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
heres mine

[filmmaker2]

kitties are just lil pe0ple.



except........they have "LARGE TALONS" heh heh

[filmmaker2]

And, um, I am not quite sure that the elephant husky is a real animal.

Looking it up now to see if it's real or not. But I don't expect that it is.

[stubbornforgey]

awwwwwwwwwwww ..them kitties a real cute..
Mine is black ..with the sentiment of a pmsing woman..
He's old ...and bloody mischevious, and he attacks dogs.

[The Flayed One]

I'm considering buying a pygmy goat.

http://www.indyzoo.com/image_gallery/African-pygmy-goat.jpg

I think I'll name him Juggernaut.

[newb]

Originally posted by The Flayed One
I'm considering buying a pygmy goat.

http://www.indyzoo.com/image_gallery/African-pygmy-goat.jpg

I think I'll name him Juggernaut.

Well....what a co-ink-e-dink.....i have a pygmy named Juggernaut.

http://www.militarydispatches.co.uk/photographs/Historical/Victorian/fullsize/Foundry%20pygmy%20Chief.JPG

[The Flayed One]

Wow! That is amaz........wait a minute! You told be your pygmy's name was Sambuca!


http://alcocity.ru/images/catalog/731_b.jpg

[Haunted]

"But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the East and Julliette is the sun. Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon who art sick and pale with grief. Be not her maid since she is envious. Her vestal livery is but sick and green and none do wear it. Cast it off..."
(The Tragedy of Romeo and Julliette- William Shakespeare, as written from memory only, by Haunted)

Hah hah! It was time that some asshole infiltrated this thread with some mad dramatic skills.! HAW!

It's an HDC rule that someone come and fuck up the flow. This was my turn. HEHEHEHEHEHEH!

I still love you, though, Newb!:D

[newb]

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and
an American engineer -- are working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of
it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three
wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a
farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land
to be forever fertile in Canada."
Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land
in Canada is forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin is amazed, so he says, "I want a wall
around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels,
Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."

Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye,
there is a huge wall around those countries.

The American engineer says, "I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie
explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet
thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing
can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."

The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."

[Elvis_Christ]

Originally posted by Haunted
"Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon who art sick and pale with grief."

Hey that kids alright. Its that bright blinding friend thats the problem, looks nice but idamn deceptive.

Still won't stop you dancing tho so keep on truckin'

[Zero]

a monkey walks into a bar and proceeds to get drunk, absolutely legless. . . they call him a cab. . . he staggers up his steps, falls down in a snowdrift and wakes up to find his socks are still wet. . .

i wish it was just a joke

[Zero]

my ideal cat:

[scouse mac]

'The funeral baked meats did coldly furnish the marriage table'.

[Zero]

"`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe"

[scouse mac]

Originally posted by Zero
"`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe"

Thats fucking annoying me, I know but cant remember what from. Help me here

[Haunted]

Jabberwockey- Lewis Carroll : Alice in Wonderland and Her Adventures Through the Looking Glass. ATLG, as spun by the White Knight.

I love that book.:D

[newb]

Time for some blonde jokes



Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death
in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the
Winter."

Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
She heard that one out of every four children born in
the world was Chinese.

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were
stuck on the
escalators for over four hours.

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught
in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with
dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home
and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the
dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and
knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing
happened. So she blew a little harder, and still
nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,
"What are you
doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman
had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order
to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like
hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes
checked for glasses.The doctor directed her to read
various letters with the left eye while covering the
right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was
which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper
lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the
appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As
he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming
down her face."Look," said the doctor, "there's no
need to get emotional about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my
heart set on wire frames."

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came
across a silver
thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked
it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it
was. The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps
some things hot and
some things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to
buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to
work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?"
he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos . it keeps hot things hot and
cold things
cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you
have in it?"
The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee".

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets
full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed
it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him
and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,
"It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued
to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being
able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does
it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife,
Susie, something nice for their first wedding
anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.
He showed her the phone and explained to her all of
its features.
Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply
adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and,
to her
astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi
Susie," he
said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and
your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I
don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v259/rockinmule/bouncing_boobs.gif

[filmmaker2]

This picture of sugar gliders is really creepy. It makes me feel weird when I look at it.

[stubbornforgey]

Originally posted by newb
Time for some blonde jokes



Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death
in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the
Winter."

Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
She heard that one out of every four children born in
the world was Chinese.

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were
stuck on the
escalators for over four hours.

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught
in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with
dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home
and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the
dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and
knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing
happened. So she blew a little harder, and still
nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,
"What are you
doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman
had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order
to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like
hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes
checked for glasses.The doctor directed her to read
various letters with the left eye while covering the
right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was
which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper
lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the
appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As
he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming
down her face."Look," said the doctor, "there's no
need to get emotional about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my
heart set on wire frames."

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came
across a silver
thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked
it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it
was. The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps
some things hot and
some things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to
buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to
work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?"
he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos . it keeps hot things hot and
cold things
cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you
have in it?"
The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee".

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets
full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed
it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him
and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,
"It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued
to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being
able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does
it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife,
Susie, something nice for their first wedding
anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.
He showed her the phone and explained to her all of
its features.
Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply
adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and,
to her
astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi
Susie," he
said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and
your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I
don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v259/rockinmule/bouncing_boobs.gif

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL..and this page too newb'..
can you send this to my e mail plz..
I forward your jokes to my brother in Aussie..

[scouse mac]

http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f353/nmc1/funnies/2836.jpg

Talking of blondes, it cant just be coincidence that all three got this simple task wrong can it?

[newb]

Originally posted by stubbornforgey
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL..and this page too newb'..
can you send this to my e mail plz..
I forward your jokes to my brother in Aussie..

I don't have this saved on my comp.Just cut & paste.

[stubbornforgey]

yups..like duh me !!
the jokes are great :D

[newb]

This is what happens when you're only allowed ONE drink at the company picnic.













http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v259/rockinmule/CompanyP.jpg

[scouse mac]

Proof, if proof were needed, that Canadians DO have a sense of humour.



http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f353/nmc1/funnies/3219_2.jpg

[The Flayed One]

Well, it's Friday again, and that means drunken goodness. Tonights medicine:


Lowenbrau
http://beerpictures.net/lowenbrau/tt/lowenbrau-beer-pictures-02.jpg

[newb]

Originally posted by The Flayed One
Well, it's Friday again, and that means drunken goodness. Tonights medicine:


Lowenbrau
http://beerpictures.net/lowenbrau/tt/lowenbrau-beer-pictures-02.jpg

If you like your beers on the malty side....may i suggest a Sam Adams Double Bock. Very smooth and it packs quite a wallop....8.8 abv.

http://beer.themanroom.com/images/beers/news/61m.jpg

[newb]

LETTER TO REDNECK SON




Dearest Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within
20 miles of your home, so we moved
This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure about it.
I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the
first time for three days
and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit,
she put a third one in because she heard you have grown
another foot since she last saw you.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two hours
to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what
it is yet, so I don't know
if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your
brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and
drowned. We had him
cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to
safety.Your other two
friends were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom.

[newb]

A Beer Before It Starts

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the
TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished
it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This
time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run
around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and
wash and iron all day long?

The husband sighed. "Shit, it's started."

[newb]

Interesting Psychological Fact...

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending
on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example, If she is
ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a
man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while
he is on fire.


Further studies in this area have been canceled.

[Elvis_Christ]

Originally posted by newb
she tends to prefer a
man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while
he is on fire.


Sounds like my ex girlfriend :D I usually hid in a bunker during the PMS fury

[stubbornforgey]

hahahahahaha..letter to redneck son

[Haunted]

Originally posted by newb
Interesting Psychological Fact...

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending
on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example, If she is
ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a
man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while
he is on fire.


Further studies in this area have been canceled.

And don't you forget it!:D


By the by, the "Letter to Redneck Son" was pretty amusing.

[newb]

I'm thinking for tomorrow





http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v259/rockinmule/Leprechaun-Mooning.gifhttp://www.drinkingstuff.com/images/products/958_l.jpg

[bloodrayne]

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Here's an update for you... Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.:D

[newb]

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."

"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."

"A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman'. Her husband came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'.

"Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't ?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator."

"Q: Why do men usually die before their wives ?
A: Because they want to."

"A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying".

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

"They say that breaking up is hard to do - but it's much easier with a restraining order and a rottweiler."

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

"Make love, not war. I'm married, I do both."

"Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much...
...Monogamy ? It's the same."

"Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener ".

"You never truly know a woman 'til you meet her in court."

"An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."

"Life is a bitch, then you marry one."

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

"A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished."

"My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog."

"Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy ?
A: Two Mothers-in-law."

[newb]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto. Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically,it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole the tent.?
http://dc-mrg.english.ucsb.edu/WarnerTeach/E192/Images/indian.tonto.lone.gif

[Nyarlathotep]

How to be a man......

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. ! Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! ! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £ 200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

23. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

24. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad?"

[Dante'sInferno]

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!



Oh yeah i scored a 15 out of 20...on that test thingy...

[ItsAlive75]

Originally posted by Nyarlathotep

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?


Let's find out. HEY LADIES!!!

;)

[The Flayed One]

YOU CAD! /Flayedetta

[Haunted]

I like winks. They don't turn me to putty, but they're nice, especially when I don't expect them. My favorite is when a guy can arch one eyebrow.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Here's an update for you... Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

That is fucking brilliant, Rayne, especially when you take into account some of the men I've had.

[bloodrayne]

How to be a man......

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.Umm...I open jars for Dustin...honestly

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.Well...I call my son 'Son'

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.I can pull off a wicked mean tackle...But, that's usually when I'm wrestling :D

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?I've sharpened many pencils with a pocket knife

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.Okay...I have no idea what you're talking about here

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. ! Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.Heh...I can definitely do this (and have DONE this) with Jack Daniels...Does that count?

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.These are in my basement tool room...Broom handles work when ya can't find a piece of wood, or don't feel like leaving what you're painting to go down in the basement

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".Hmm...C-Section scar from hip to hip count?...How about a crescent-shaped scar on the back of the top of my right arm where I swung the claw hammer back too far (demolishing a wall) and ripped my arm open with it?

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like. Okay...The hangover I can do...The stubble I can't...

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".We all do this...And they nod at us, too

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.Hammer Drill, Band Saw, Circular Saw, Power Drill...These are mine, I don't let Dustin use them...I wouldn't want him to get hurt ;)

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! ! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.Nope...I don't do that

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.Does a club count?...For some reason, everyone always seems to notice when I walk in...And the first time Dustin went with me, Sergio came running at me from across the room and jumped off the floor, into my arms...That was some funny shit...Probably woulda been funnier if I hadn't caught him, or if I woulda dropped him...haha

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.Umm...Yeah...I actually need to START doing this

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.I always carve EVERYTHING, and serve all the food...I just thought that was part of doing the cooking

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?Not me...

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.Never found this to be a necessity...I just always make sure the head's on the handle tightly

18. TAKING OUT £ 200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.I just cash checks and pay bills...I keep the rest of the money in my pocket

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."I rarely EVER answer my phone...Actually, now that I think about it...I have not used a phone in over a week

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.My ability to parallel park quickly and correctly was one of the first things that impressed Dustin...Yup, he's easily impressed...lol

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.I've worked in the fields (from to ages of 10-16)...Planting, cropping and harvesting tobacco...Picking corn, digging potatoes, pulling turnips, etcetera...AND following a flatbed truck to lift hay bales and throw 'em on top, you get six bales high and you gotta start kickin' 'em up there with your knee...It's hot, dirty, sweaty work, but it makes ya strong and healthy...However...I REFUSE to drink beer *gag*

22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.Okay...I can't make this claim...I've always wondered why it takes guys so long...

23. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".HaHa...Each time I've had surgery, I'm up and doing stuff I've been ordered not to (usually after a day or two), because I get tired of 'being down'...I just say, "Okay, I've had enough 'recovery' now...Time to get shit done"....And, one time in high school, I was standing up in the back of a friend's convertible, he was driving through the parking lot, he cut the wheel and I went flying out in a sorta cartwheel...I hit the asphalt, bounced, rolled a few times, and stopped in a sitting up position with my hands flat on the ground on each side of me and I had yelled "STOP!" when I stopped...The seat and knees of my jeans were ripped open, My shoes were torn off my feet...My ass cheek, knees, toes, shoulders, elbows and fingers were bleeding...I walked into the nurse's station, the nurse looked up at me with a shocked look on her face...Blood was dripping off my fingers onto the floor...And I asked "Have you got a band-aid or somethin'?"...I fucking LOVED her expression...lol

24. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad?" I've known this since I was 4 :rolleyes:


Hmm...No wonder Seri says I'm more male than female...And Dustin, Rich, Stupid Shane and Sergio say that they are more feminine than I am...Of course, those guys are probably just girly...lol


Yeah...I think I just blew your 'How to be a man' theory all to hell:p

[Haunted]

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."I rarely EVER answer my phone...Actually, now that I think about it...I have not used a phone in over a week

How well I know this, because I've tried to call you. I think your fuck-ass ex husband answered one night. Piece o' shit. Can I say that?

[filmmaker2]

hootie hootie hootie,
he's a litta cutie,
hootie hootie hootie,
he goes goodwith crack-ers.

he's a little ratty,
make of him a patty,
fry him up in butt-er,
such a goofy nutt-er

see? he is cute and tasty too

[Haunted]

IF YOU EAT FOAMY I WILL KILL YOU!!!



:D

I love you, filmmaker

[Posher778]

You know..... I think the only thing you have to do to be a man is have a penis..... But then again, in America these days.... women are getting them too:p

[Haunted]

Except me.

Fact: A penis is a mutated clitoris.

[Posher778]

Oh dear GOD haunted I almost threw up when I read that.... Damn, i'm eating a friggin hot dog here!

[Haunted]

Do you have a problem with the word CLITORIS? What's wrong with CLITORIS? Does the CLIRTORIS frighten you?

Maybe it's the wrinkley PENIS. PENISES aren't the prettiest things on the Goddess' earth, but they come in handy from time to time. You shouldn't worry about PENISES. The PENIS can be your friend. Your PENIS distinguishes you as a man... even if men are mutated women.:D

[Posher778]

Haha, too late i already finished! But this conversation made me think of this .gif file i have.

[Haunted]

That's really funny, and also quite true. Naah, men aren't that bad... well some aren't, and this is coming from a die hard feminist.

[Posher778]

I just found it kind of humorous, here's another, not really on the subject though.

[Haunted]

He should have come from underneath with that nose. He might have had better luck.

[Posher778]

Once again, the MAN comes out on top! JKJK. Us men and our caveman instincts.:)

[Marroe]

Originally posted by Haunted
Except me.

Fact: A penis is a mutated clitoris. I thought I clit was a mutated penis? Or a vagina was an inside out penis....I've heard way too much.

[The STE]

Originally posted by Haunted
Do you have a problem with the word CLITORIS? What's wrong with CLITORIS? Does the CLIRTORIS frighten you?

Maybe it's the wrinkley PENIS. PENISES aren't the prettiest things on the Goddess' earth, but they come in handy from time to time. You shouldn't worry about PENISES. The PENIS can be your friend. Your PENIS distinguishes you as a man... even if men are mutated women.:D

if a penis is a mutated clitoris, then I've got a fucking X-Man in my pants

[Posher778]

so.... fucking... confused!!!

[Haunted]

There is a medical concept that every fetus begins as a female and then as it develops the chromosome changes from XX to XY. It's not really a mutation. That's just a joke. It's not 100% proven; as I said, it's just one of the plethora of medical theories floating around the world.

[Posher778]

Originally posted by Haunted
There is a medical concept that every fetus begins as a female and then as it develops the chromosome changes from XX to XY. It's not really a mutation. That's just a joke. It's not 100% proven; as I said, it's just one of the plethora of medical theories floating around the world.

Well duh, haven't you seen jurassic park?

[Haunted]

Yes I have, and I read the book which is 10000000000% better.

[Posher778]

Originally posted by Haunted
Yes I have, and I read the book which is 10000000000% better.

Amen, you are now my favoritest person ever.

[Haunted]

*Bows deeply* Thank you kindly, from the bottom of my heart. That's a very sweet thing to say.

You know, I learned a lot from that book. The chaos theory is something a Witch could get into. Ian Malcom is the coolest, and I think, even though he might be a little over used, that Jeff was the best person to play him. I have a little crush on Mr. Goldblum. Always have.

[Posher778]

I think Christian Bale could've done a great job too. What was your favorite part of the book? I think the part where ellie has to be bait was the best, or the infamous Trex, Car scene.

[Nyarlathotep]

INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at rugby, and your pie is getting wet, then, for the eating period only, it is permissible.

2. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However you can Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you intentionally trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding S*x pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a toilet unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have S*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal 'drunken monkey S*x', the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was, occurs.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, orange or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation II. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

[Haunted]

If my ex boyfriend would have bought me a PSII when they very first came out, I probably would have sucked it even though it was uncircumcised.



Posher-

All the action in the book was great. I also liked the really big discussions that they got into about mathematics, science, natural law, and conservation. Goddamnit! I was going to read "Foucault's Pendulum" by Umberto Eco after I finished "It" (a bit of light reading before the heavy), but now I'm going to have to read "Jurassic Park" again. Thanks, Posher.:p

[Dude Guadalupe]

Originally posted by bloodrayne
How to be a man......

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.Umm...I open jars for Dustin...honestly


11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.Hammer Drill, Band Saw, Circular Saw, Power Drill...These are mine, I don't let Dustin use them...I wouldn't want him to get hurt ;)


20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.My ability to parallel park quickly and correctly was one of the first things that impressed Dustin...Yup, he's easily impressed...lol

I object! This makes me sound far more girly and simple-minded than I really am

[bloodrayne]

Originally posted by Dude Guadalupe
I object! This makes me sound far more girly and simple-minded than I really am Heh...But...It's all true :p

[bloodrayne]

Originally posted by Nyarlathotep
10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you intentionally trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
HAHAHA!!!...That one got me :D

[Posher778]

Originally posted by Haunted




Posher-

All the action in the book was great. I also liked the really big discussions that they got into about mathematics, science, natural law, and conservation. Goddamnit! I was going to read "Foucault's Pendulum" by Umberto Eco after I finished "It" (a bit of light reading before the heavy), but now I'm going to have to read "Jurassic Park" again. Thanks, Posher.:p


Yeah... after watching Donnie Darko for the first time just now I feel like everything i've ever seen or read was "light" Holy... Crap... I am so friggin confused right now...

[newb]

On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"
"That`s easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he
inquired.
"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a
button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."

When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your
sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child ?"
Blair replied, "That`s easy. The child was me."
"Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."

So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his
chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you,
and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it
was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"
Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a while?" "Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff,and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many
suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was
quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.

As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former
Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr.
Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a
child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"
"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."
"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"

So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"

"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"

[The Flayed One]

25 SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING OLD

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good ****."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh **** what the hell happened?"

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends cause you know they'll enjoy it too.

[hammerfan]

Oh shit, it's official--I'M OLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[The Flayed One]

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website (frightening, isn't it!)

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[newb]

hee hee hee



urge would like this one.

[The Flayed One]

I thought about posting it down south for him. Nah...I'll just pm it to him.


Never mind, I see Mr. urge doesn't accept pm's. :p

[newb]

Sex on Mars.... The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent
flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and
are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market,
if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?"
asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion
ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and
experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom
where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half
an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to
work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem,"
he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his
forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil,
it's still pretty narrow..." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his
ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they
fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate
ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping
my forehead and pulling my ears.

http://www.freemobilefun.net/wallp/240_320/cartoons/marvin-the-martian-2.jpg

[newb]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl,
"Gloria, have you ever had contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies,
"Well I once touched one with the tip of my finger . . ."
St. Peter says,
"Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
"Catherine, have youever had contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant, but replies,
"Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says,
"OK. Dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gates."

All of the sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says,
"Lisa! What seems to be the rush".
The girl replies,



"Well, if I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her ass in it!

[stubbornforgey]

LOL ..
F.O..
you should hear some of the dumbass questions i get about newzealand...right from wearing grass skirts n since the release of L.O.T.R..HAIRY FUCKING FEET'..
and apparently..we all live in mud houses..
and the native maari run around poking thier tongues out to visitors..but hey..thats ok cos we are also another part of AUSTRALIA..
:rolleyes:

[The Flayed One]

Friday again. I'm BBQing tonight, and I'm feeling a little festive. Since they don't carry Negro Modelo or Pacifico aroudn here, looks like I'm drinking:

https://www.arcticliquor.com/images/DSC00463.JPG

...with a lime.

[Haunted]

Dos Equis is a beer that I will actually drink.

[filmmaker2]

Dos Equis: the official beer of Phantasm! Used extensively in the making of Phantasm! (chuckles)

[newb]

Gonna start with a couple of these

http://www.mylifeisbeer.com/beer/bottles/autopics/62.jpg

then going to see my nephews band at a club...so i'll most likely end the night with good ole trusty

http://www.koff.fi/stc/images/docs/budweiser.jpg

[Haunted]

Does anyone in here drink Stella...can't remember what the rest of it is. It's from Belgium. It's my bros' brand o' choice.

[Yeti.13]

Originally posted by Haunted
Does anyone in here drink Stella...can't remember what the rest of it is. It's from Belgium. It's my bros' brand o' choice.
Stella Artois "Reassuringly expensive" as they say on the adverts. I used to but don't drink much now, when I do I like Hobgoblin.

[mothermold]

Originally posted by Haunted
Does anyone in here drink Stella...can't remember what the rest of it is. It's from Belgium. It's my bros' brand o' choice.

Don't get me started(I realize Stella is big in the states)Belgium produces more fine beers than a beach does sand.Stella(in my opinion)ranks last on the list...but that's me.

Now a good Belgium white or Trappist(real trappist)now your talking......the drink of kings or queens for that matter(I think witches would like it too;) )

Cheers!!

[newb]

After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon
be coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is
important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of
this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of
cooking a real man will do, probably because there is
an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following
chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables,
and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it
on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils
and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging
beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and
cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat
is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring
another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT
TO THE WOMAN.
More routine.....
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread,
utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the
table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does
the dishes.

And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his
cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "Her night
off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes
that there's just no pleasing some women.

[Posher778]

Only alcoholic thing i've ever had is a screwdriver... yeah

[Haunted]

A philips head or flat head? HAW!!!

[ItsAlive75]

Originally posted by Haunted
A philips head or flat head? HAW!!!

Durrrrrrrr.

[filmmaker2]

You can get drunk on "screwdrivers"; but when you're unable to walk, they say that you're "hammered." Go figure!

[The Flayed One]

Booo-urns!

[newb]

Top Ten Most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down... by David Letterman


10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.


And the ..#1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped...


1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

[The Flayed One]

Counting down to the NFL draft. I really hope the Raiders have some sense and don't draft a QB. Anyways, I'll be travelling to the parents to watch it with my old man. The drink will be on.

Unfortunately, I'm a bit strapped for cash, so I'll have to drink his beer, which is the reprehensible Coor's Lite. It'll take me about 15 to get buzzed, and then I'll feel bloated. I think I might purchase a 6er of:

http://www.geocities.com/smhoward2/mickeys/goWideMickeys.jpg

and slam them. That oughta cure what ails me;)

Anyone else watching the draft?

[ItsAlive75]

Originally posted by The Flayed One
Unfortunately, I'm a bit strapped for cash, so I'll have to drink his beer, which is the reprehensible Coor's Lite.

:mad:

[newb]

Originally posted by ItsAlive75
:mad:

hee hee hee

[The Flayed One]

Sorry, IA. I'm not a Coor's man. If I've offended you, I'll buy a six of it and drink it with you next time we hang out.;)

[newb]

Yeah....sorry IA.....didn't mean to laugh....i'll buy a sixpack and pour it down the toilet .







hell, it all ends up in there anyway.

[The Flayed One]

Now that right there, that's comedy.

newb wins at INTERNET today!:D

[Haunted]

Originally posted by ItsAlive75
:mad:

That's what you get for saying "Durrr" to my joke.

[bloodrayne]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

[bloodrayne]

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have enough time

Why were men put on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn

Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to put them in

What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're intended for children, but men usually play with them

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties

[bloodrayne]

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he' d be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

[bloodrayne]

Jeff and Steven were fishing one day when Steven pulled out a cigarette. Finding he had no matches, he asked Jeff for a light.

"Yeah, sure, I think I have a lighter," he replied Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 12 inches long.

"Holy Shit!" exclaimed Steven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his
hands. "Where did you get that monster??"

"Well," replied Jeff, "I got it from my Genie."

"You have a Genie?" Steven asked.

"Yeah, sure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Jeff.

"Could I see him?"

Jeff opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Steven says, "Hey there! I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes, I will," says the Genie

So Steven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Steven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Steven yells at Jeff. "What the hell?! I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!"

Jeff answers, "Yeah, I forgot to tell ya that the Genie is hard of hearing.

Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch BIC?"

[newb]

Check out this guest list for the upcoming Fangoria Weekend of Horrors.........hmmm....its only 3000 mile away.


http://www.creationent.com/cal/dod.htm

[Haunted]

SPAMMER!!!!

Oh wait....

Newb, me lad!

[hammerfan]

Things Stressed Women Say At Work:

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Well aren't we a damn ray of sunshine!
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don't you practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self control?
11. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
12. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
13. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
14. Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
15. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
16. Don't worry, I forgot your name too.
17. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
18. Not all men are annoying - some are dead.
19. Wait....I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
20. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
21. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
22. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
23. Earth is full. Go home.
24. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
25. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
26. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
27. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
28. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!

[Haunted]

Girl, that is too too good. I'm gonna have to send that to my friend, Jodie. She'll love it. Thanks for giving me a laugh.:)

[hammerfan]

I'm always happy to provide a laugh or two (or three, or four, or five, etc., etc., etc.,) :D

[newb]

OH.....I SEE HOW IT IS.......TAKE THIS.



What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

How do you turn a fox into a rottweiller?

Marry her.

What is the one food that can kill a womans sex drive instantly?

Wedding cake.

What does a motor scooter and a fat woman have in common?

Theyre both fun to ride until your friends see you.

Whats the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

About 45 pounds.

Sometimes I wake up grouchy in the morning, but sometimes I let her sleep in.

I havent spoken to my wife for a whole year, I dont want to interrupt her.

How do you spot a macho woman?

Shes rolling her own tampons.

A man will dig under his car seat to find loose change.
A woman will put a 10% off sale item on a credit card charging 20% interest.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Q: Why are wedding dresses white?

A: All household appliances come in white.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what did you do wrong?

A: Made her chain too long.

Q: What's the difference between a Mississippi tornado and a Mississippi divorce?

A: Not a thing... either way you lose the trailer.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel! Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look great?
A. Put a nipple on it.

[hammerfan]

Some of those are actually funny, newb! :D

Arrogant Bastard! :D

[Haunted]

How do you turn a fox into a rottweiller?

Rottweilers happen to be my favorite kind of dog, damnit. Let's not talk shit about rottis.



;) :D

[Dante'sInferno]

I so want a monkey for a pet.










:D That would kick ass!!!!

[monalisa]

Well I'm not sure why I haven't done this earlier, but I finally read through this whole thread. Rayne, you are my hero! Newb, you are hilairious (I probably spelled that wrong). I have to dig through my files and see what I have. I know a lot of jokes, but I hate typing. Thanks everyone for the laughs, I needed it.

[Posher778]

Hmm sexist jokes huh?

WOMEN DRIVERS

NO SURVIVORS

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY WOMEN DRIVE THEN GET OFF THE FUCKING SIDEWALK!:D





Smile... cause it's cliche.

[monalisa]

Originally posted by Posher778
Hmm sexist jokes huh?

WOMEN DRIVERS

NO SURVIVORS

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY WOMEN DRIVE THEN GET OFF THE FUCKING SIDEWALK!:D



Smile... cause it's cliche.

Sexist jokes are all about cliches, but they're so funny because we all know we're gulity of at least some of the cliche things in the jokes. :)

[The Flayed One]

http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/user_images/pics/1/4835000/ngbbs4254959fd4931.jpg

[stubbornforgey]

HAHAHAHAHAHA
Newb..those are classic..!!

How many men does it take to get things right??

Just 'one' A WOMAN :D

[newb]

http://www.dobhran.com/images/cinco1.gif

[The Flayed One]

Woohoo! I'm gonna get wasted on Negro Modelo & Patron! (Like I needed an excuse)

http://img.epinions.com/images/opti/86/fa/fddkSpiritsBy_NameAllPatron_Silver_Tequila-resized200.gif

[bloodrayne]

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one of them is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback but decided to tell him the truth. "It's
called sexual intercourse", she replied.

Little Tony just said "Oh, okay", and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few mintues later he came back in visibly upset and said "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse it's called bunk beds, and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you!"

[bloodrayne]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.





Shut up. You know it's funny.

[AUSTIN316426808]

Originally posted by bloodrayne





Shut up. You know it's funny.


Yeah, but for the wrong reason.

[ItsAlive75]

I started telling that story to my roommates and they figured it out halfway through... I was pissed.

[newb]

Originally posted by bloodrayne
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.





Shut up. You know it's funny.



boo....hiss.....get off the stage.


:D

[Nyarlathotep]

Originally posted by bloodrayne
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.





Shut up. You know it's funny.

http://members.cox.net/scavenger7/Smilies/tomaatit.gif

[bloodrayne]

HaHa...At least it was funny for ME...Because I immediately got a mental image wherein I saw him "shake it all about":D







Anyway...Blame my mother...She sent it to me :p

[newb]

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

[stubbornforgey]

heres a couple sent to me

never argue with children..

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for
a whale to swallow a human, because even though it
was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by
a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale
could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" !
The little girl replied,
"Then you ask him".

.................................................. ......

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see
each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her
parents that Billy Brown had
kissed her after class.

"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but
three girls helped me catch
him."

[newb]

Thinking maybe a few of these tonight.

http://www.nycbeer.org/middle-ages/ma02.gif

[newb]

1000 men were asked to complete a survey of what they liked best
about oral sex:

3% liked the warmth.

4% enjoyed the sensation.

93% appreciated the silence.

[Tat2]

Resimay

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited. I all so have a bad back, but I all ways tri to plese.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d158/Tattoo_/bigboobs.jpg



Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check

[ENTITY2000]

good gosh! :eek:

[Tat2]

Originally posted by ENTITY2000
good gosh! :eek:


Like that did ya?


:D

[ENTITY2000]

toooo big, i'm glad that tree is there to hold her up!
ouch, looks uncomfortable!

[Dante'sInferno]

Originally posted by Tat2
Resimay

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited. I all so have a bad back, but I all ways tri to plese.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d158/Tattoo_/bigboobs.jpg



Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check MAMMA.....

[Haunted]

Don't make me fuck up the "No Drama" thread with a feminist rant!!!!
















No, I'm kidding. I wouldn't do that. Newb'd kill me.:D

Anyway, like I've said before, I keep my radical feminism strapped to my boots, because I love the guys on the forum too much.;)

[The Flayed One]

Tonight, I'm hanging with my favorite brew in the world.

http://web.dailycamera.com/bocogold2004/photos/FatTire.jpg

[Angra]

Originally posted by Dante'sInferno
MAMMA.....


Hoochi mamma, that is.;) lol

[newb]

Originally posted by The Flayed One
Tonight, I'm hanging with my favorite brew in the world.

http://web.dailycamera.com/bocogold2004/photos/FatTire.jpg

I've never seen that one...whats it like?


@Haunted....thank you for keeping the integrity of this thread intact.:D

[Dante'sInferno]

Originally posted by Angra
Hoochi mamma, that is.;) lol The song in "friday" popped into my mind as soon as i heard that.Craig's girl friend...

[The Flayed One]

Originally posted by newb
I've never seen that one...whats it like?


It's a fine amber. Kind of like Mac'N'Jacks, if you've ever had one. They're two of my favorite beers. Fat Tire is mostly west coast, I believe. I found a sixer in the grocery, though.

[newb]

Originally posted by The Flayed One
It's a fine amber. Kind of like Mac'N'Jacks, if you've ever had one. They're two of my favorite beers. Fat Tire is mostly west coast, I believe. I found a sixer in the grocery, though.

I'm east coast....never heard of Mac'N' Jacks either.

I do like the amber brews though.

[Haunted]

Originally posted by Dante'sInferno
The song in "friday" popped into my mind as soon as i heard that.Craig's girl friend...

That movie is so funny when you're stoned. When you're not stoned, only the dad is funny.

@Newb You got it! I've pretty much learned that it's all in fun and not to take everything, especially myself so seriously.:)

[newb]

Originally posted by Haunted


@Newb You got it! I've pretty much learned that it's all in fun and not to take everything, especially myself so seriously.:)

Thats been my motto for the last ten years.:D

[The Flayed One]

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

[Dante'sInferno]

Originally posted by The Flayed One
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper. Hahahaha.

[The Flayed One]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[scouse mac]

A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat in hospital talking to his mate.
"Well that's me fucked, who on earth's going to want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate replies "Well, you could try Paul McCartney"

[scouse mac]

*A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish or, your husband will get ....... times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man that ever lived, an Adonis whom women will swoon over and flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said,"That will make your husband the richest man in the world by far. And he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful consideration she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

ATTENTION female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women are nosey cows and never listen!!!

[newb]

3 DAY WEEKEND.....OH YEAH!

To all my fellow weekend warriors.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v259/rockinmule/beer.gif

[scouse mac]

http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f353/nmc1/nastro_azzurro_bottle.jpg


36 bottles of beer on the wall, 36 bottles of beer.....


This will be the nectar of my choice for the weekend and a few days after no doubt. Yummy!

[newb]

I had my first Italian beer a couple of months ago and was pleasantly surprised. When you think of Italy....beer doesn't usually come to mind. It was this brand.

http://blog.sakraft.com/Birra_Moretti.jpg

[scouse mac]

All the ones Ive tried (which isnt many to be honest) seem to have a nice crisp taste, nastro azzurro being the best.

Dont drink too much lager these days but with the summer coming there is nothing nicer than a cold one in the heat!

[newb]

Going to a concert in Boston tonight and the venue just happens to be smack next door to the Harpoon Brewery.
Looks like a couple of these are on store.:D

http://www.wanderingfools.com/images/Beers/Harpoon-IPA.jpg

[scouse mac]

Some wise words about alcohol



"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~ Frank Sinatra

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[newb]

Evaluations
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just
remember,it could have been worse. These are actual
quotes taken from federal government employee
performance evaluations.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed"
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only
to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then
consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of
an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he
starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy
to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an
ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the
room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks
bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover
glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done
using it"
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the
other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be
watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd
get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear
the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other
sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he
only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.


Have a nice weekend all.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v259/rockinmule/beer.gif

[ENTITY2000]

your not serious..... are u?



oh yeah you have a nice weekend too!
drink and be merry

[newb]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology
courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone
who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little
Johnny?"
"No, ma'am - but I hate to see you standing there all
by yourself!"

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother
smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that,
mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who
shortly afterward began removing the cream with a
tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip
to their local police station where they saw pictures
of the 10 Most Wanted criminals tacked to a
bulletin board. One of the youngsters pointed to a
picture and asked if it really was the photo of a
wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very
badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you
took his picture?"

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v259/rockinmule/peeing.gif

[bloodrayne]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another
man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no,no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's just me...before the surgery."

[newb]

Another hour and a half to go.....then THE WEEKEND........its supposed to be hot as balls here on the east coast.......

http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/384909/2/istockphoto_384909_cold_beer.jpg

[newb]

Although i've recently been very fond of these............................................. .....

http://www.ratebeer.com/beerimages/1090.jpg

[crabapple]

That looks yummy. Yommers!

[scouse mac]

http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f353/nmc1/kristallwb_1_1.jpg


Ive enjoyed a couple of bottles of this Crystal beer

[newb]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his
office.....but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have
sex with you."
The girl said, " NO."
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on
the floor,you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up"
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and
told him the story
The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up
the money very fast.
He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour
went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his
girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the
boyfriend called and asked what happened......

She said, "The bastard used quarters!"

[newb]

CAR TROUBLE
Blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,
"What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET

Police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
your act together Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you!"


RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she
shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the
river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
Gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body
hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are
you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the
doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first
on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on
the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're
going at night!"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs".

[Disease]

Originally posted by newb
St Paulie Girl is a fine brew. I think i will be starting off my weekend with a couple of Long Trail "Hibernator"s. A nice malty brew.
http://www.longtrail.com/ewebeditpro4wifx1/upload/hibernator.jpg

Then off to the local night-spot to see my friends band.[ a blues/rock mix ]

local night spot, are you in primary school?

[newb]

Originally posted by Disease
local night spot, are you in primary school?

No....just a different generation.

[Disease]

what on earth generation talks like that? one that still lives with there mother perhaps?

[newb]

Originally posted by Disease
what on earth generation talks like that? one that still lives with there mother perhaps?

yeah...ya got me.....your good.

[monalisa]

Originally posted by Disease
what on earth generation talks like that? one that still lives with there mother perhaps?

My my my, nit-picky little thing aren't you. :rolleyes:

[Disease]

i'm not nit picky, just blown away by the term night-spot!

[newb]

Originally posted by Disease
i'm not nit picky, just blown away by the term night-spot!

hmmm....doesn't take much to "blow you away"..does it?

nightspot

n : a spot that is open late at night and that provides entertainment (as singers or dancers) as well as dancing and food and drink; [syn: cabaret, nightclub, club]


Its from a dictionary...you should read one sometime.

[Disease]

it's just not rite, nobody talks like that, it's creepy...

[newb]

Originally posted by Disease
it's just not rite, nobody talks like that, it's creepy...

This is a HORROR site.....its suppose to be creepy.

[Elvis_Christ]

Originally posted by Disease
it's creepy...

You are.

Especially to sheep.

[monalisa]

Originally posted by Disease
it's just not rite, nobody talks like that, it's creepy...

See, now if you would have taken newb's advice and consulted a dictionary, you would have spelled 'right' correctly.

[Elvis_Christ]

Don't worry he might do a spelling course in jail when he goes down for touching animals

[mothermold]

A fine summer brew.

[zwoti]

:eek:

Apache (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTKL8MNH95Q)

[newb]

Originally posted by zwoti
:eek:

Apache (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTKL8MNH95Q)

Puts todays music videos to shame.

[Dante'sInferno]

Grape fruit juice is nasty....

[monalisa]

Originally posted by zwoti
:eek:

Apache (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTKL8MNH95Q)

Well, THAT was truly unexpected. Amusing though. :p

[zwoti]

Originally posted by monalisa
Well, THAT was truly unexpected. Amusing though. :p

plenty more where that came from



may i present the hindi beatles (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yvaIZEIDFI) :eek:

[Yeti.13]

Originally posted by zwoti
plenty more where that came from



may i present the hindi beatles (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yvaIZEIDFI) :eek:

I thought Apache rocked but the Hindi Beatles!! Excellent dancing, and wobbly heads!!!

[monalisa]

Originally posted by Yeti.13
I thought Apache rocked but the Hindi Beatles!! Excellent dancing, and wobbly heads!!!

It was all I could do to keep myself from getting up and bopping about the room! Weeeeeeee! :D

[crabapple]

The Hindi Beatles are freakin' awesome.

[Disease]

Originally posted by Elvis_Christ
You are.

Especially to sheep.

dictionary, i'm a writer a dictionary has time when i want to prove a meaning, and spelling just isn't much of insue what you are saying is what's important. by the way new zealanders are the sheep lovers, get the facts right, what, are you from canada? I'm sure you have plenty of nice night-spots where ever you are...

[zwoti]

not sure how to describe this....

some freaky indian music man (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koqeSXJtvvo)

is there nothing he can't do

[The Mothman]

impressive. i dig the gold boots.

[The Flayed One]

http://www.skoo.nildram.co.uk/stuff/cosplay.jpg

[The Flayed One]

http://www.icculus.org/~chunky/images/random/whatjob.jpg

[The Flayed One]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a small box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her
robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

[crabapple]

:eek:

[bloodrayne]

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St.Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their
household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not lived up to that.

God turned to the one man in the other line, "Look at this man, he is a fine example of how a man should truly be. Please tell the others how you managed to be the only one in this line."

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here".

[bloodrayne]

Touching Elephant Story

A man was on vacation in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day.

One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.



Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[bloodrayne]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from Northeast Tennessee arrived...and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down....and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. . Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought YOU were watching."


Moral -

Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men.....are men.

[bloodrayne]

TO: Federal Aviation Administration

Our airline industry is in real trouble, and it's time to start fixing this before it's too late.

To that end, here are some modest suggestions:

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying
again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of all the tips, the female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. Hell, I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20 percent of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right. A golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

[bloodrayne]

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious. It comes from a Catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments.

The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSE S WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A H EBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHE N THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO Y O U. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

[bloodrayne]

Subject: What to do???

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


Answer below*















Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round

[stubbornforgey]

Originally posted by bloodrayne
Subject: What to do???

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


Answer below*















Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[The Flayed One]

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."