Vodstok
10-13-2004, 05:39 AM
Not horror, but it is a fucking horro-show to watch... and i said i would....
Let me start off by saying i am 28, and have been a hardcore AD&D nerd since i was 12. I had HIGH hopes for this movie. I saw the trailer, but still maintained some hope. My roommate skipped out of work with a freind to see it. He came home shaking his head. i thought "oh come on, it couldnt be that bad..."
I have never been more wrong. Accepting a date over the internet while drunk was a better decision, and at least the date was a better time. (Nice girl. not interested in being her baby's new daddy, but what are you gonna do)
I watched it once, on my pc, with the above mentioned roommate. he took sadistic pleasure in watching me squirm. "Hey, at least you didnt have to pay to see it." he kept saying... it was small consolation.
I watched it a year later with my wife (while she was still just a girlfreind). My constant bitching whenever it came up piqued her curiosity, so she insisted. I warned her. she wouldnt relent. plus, i wanted to see if i was just giving it a bad rap.
I wasnt.
It starts off with some crap witrh a dragon. it doesnt matter, it has no bearing on the plot, Jeremy Irons was terrible, and there is a big armored twit that wears blue lipstick (Bruce Payne of Full Eclipse and Passenger 57 fame. Not a bad actor, but a terrible character). There are flames. something about a dragon. and it moves on to our main characters.
Some skinny white dude who wants to be a wizard, but is a theif. (*cough* STEREOTYPE! *cough*), and "Snails". Marlon Wayans. Sadly, he is the best thing in the movie. But it's marlon wayans. You KNOW if you are thinking "Hey, that was kinda funny" when watching him, the rest of the movie must be sucking really hard. or you are watching Scary Movie.
Thora Birch is in this. Remember American Beauty? Maybe Patriot Games? She is a talented actress. If this was the first thing you ever saw her in,you would think she is a no-talent retard.
There is also a wizard chick. The "Love interest". She is kind of a poor man's Claire Danes. She is a shitty actress as well.
Lets mention a few things about the D&D game. Characters have levels, which reflect their skills. A young wizard, at an academy would probably be level 1 or 2. They can cast tiny spells, that can launch little fire thingies and such. They CAN NOT cast dimension doors out of thin air. Which she does.
There is a dwarf. He is not a SHORT dwarf. in fact, he is a giant dwarf. which makes him a stocky human. He is also thoroughly disgusting. Gimli was harsh and a little rough around the edges. This dumbass burps constantly and smears food all over his face. But he has a Horned HelmeT! he MUST be a dwarf!
Oh, and then there is the elf. the Black elf. no offense to anyone who thinks i am being racist, but i dont think there were ever any african elves in d&d. there are Dark elves, but they live deep underground and are BLACK, as in the absence of color, not "cappucino" from the crayola box. But i guess marlon also needed a "love interest".
I think the elf was limp attempt at the "forbidden fruit" concept that was heavy in the Dragonlance novels, and LOTR. Humans and elves shouldnt mix, so it goes. i guess you cant have a fantasy story without this "confilct".
You may have noticed i havent talked much about the plot yet. Well, it doesnt have one. It Tries to, but ti fails. Some shit about thora being the queen Amidala of D&D land, and jeremy irons wants to take over, somethingabout a dragon scepter or something, a coup of some sort... Whatever. it doesnt matter, because, really, it doesnt matter.
When i read that the director was a "long-time fan of D&D", i didnt realise that they must have meant the cartoon, which still had nothing to do with the game, but was infintely better.
There is much "running from the bad guys". There is a part where the openly evil blue-lipped guy has some evil worm things put in his ears because he had a momnet of conscience. It is completely out of character, since he is a bad guy through and through, and they only touch on the idea once, maybe twice more throughout the movie. and neither part is particularly called for. i think they were going for a "darth vader" type character. No points off for, trying, i guess.
Wait, scratch that. 4 points off for trying and fucking it up worse than i thought possible.
there is much running, and precious few scenes with anything remotely related to the game. thereis an imp, sure sign that mr irons is bad. Of course, it is jeremy irons, so of course the character is evil. This movie would be even less than nothing if it didnt have sterotypes for EVERYTHING.
Have you been dying to see your favorite dungeons and dragins monsters in live action in a movie?!?! then look no further!
Because they dont fucking exist. Itll save you some time and a headache. there is maybe one orc in the movie. it is in a bar. in the city.:rolleyes: Wernt orcs rampaging monsters that were shot on sight by the city guard before they got close? oops, wait, that is in Dungeons and Dragins, which this movie has nothing to do with. My bad. Oh yeah, and the makeup sucks. The alines in the mos eisly cantina in starwars were more convincing, and that was from almost 30 years ago.
Eventually, we get introduced to the kingof the thieves guild (i think), because, you cant have a fantasy story with a thief and not have a thieves guild. it is played by Richard O'Brien. Another wasted talent. He was Mr Hand in Dark City, and the guy who wrote the Rocjy Horror Picture show. No kidding, really. He is the best thing in this movie. And he obviously wasnt trrying. he seemed as though he was just fucking around and having a good time. Good. At least SOMEONE got some enjoyment out of this debacle.
there is some maze thing that our "hero" has togo through to get something he needs. i think. its boring.
thereis a visit to the elven forest at one point. its about as "magic" as a trip down an alleyway in boston. Oh yeah, and the elf leader? A jolly old fat man. yep, a fat, wrinkled elf. Remember Lord of the Rings? Legolas? Haldir? Galadriel? All graceful and good looking. in other words, ELVES, not some fat wrinkled douche with pointy ears. Hell, there werent even any fat vulcans.
eventually they end up at some evil people's base. ithink there was a "rug of smothering" at some point. i dont recall. Later, snails gets killed by blue lipped darth, and we get the most horrible over-acted scene, ever. (Queue the Comic Book Guy: Worst scene ever)
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!O!O!O!O!O!O!O!O!O!O!"
Complete with the "fall to the knees" (located in "cliche's, aisle 5), and the "from-above camera pull-away" (located in the same department, aisle 4 next to "smart alecky, but loveable kids").
some more stuff happens. He goes into a "dungeon" (see? SEE?!?! DUNGEOns and dragons... A titular scene, good for them.....) Where upon he discovers a talking skeleton. a benevolent, talking skeleton, that guards treasure, but lets the little asshole just TAKE themost powerful magic artifact in the world. "Hell, you have arms, you have what it takes to weild such power". Okay, i made that up, but he may as well have said that.
Eventually, thereis a huge *ahem* "climactic" battle involving dragons (see? SEE?!?! Dungeons AND Dragons! titular scene number 2!!). This movie is the greatest argument against CGI creatures ever put to film. it sucked. thereis one scene which hearkens back to an old Larry Elmore painting of a mounted red dragon chasing a gold one through a valley from Dragonlance. Blink an you'll miss it. it is the only remotley intersting thing to happen in the whole film.
The heros win, and the very end of the movie has the 4 "freinds" at "snail'" grave. I use the term freinds loosely because these were the people shownh to be good guys throughout the movie, and have apprently bonded in the 30 minutes of actual talking they have done together in their lifetime.
And then the most inexplicable thing happens. they all turn itno little glowing, colored lights, and float away. the words "WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!" spring to mind easily when recalling this part. is there any precedent? is there any REASON? nope. sorry. no closure. no logic. just little floating fireworks. THIS is why Michael Meyers killed. It has to be. There has to be SOME excuse for this, and that is the best i can do. So, it came out almost 20 years ATFER the first halloween movie? Shut up, you big stupid. it's just proof that Mikey is ahead of his time.....or not...
In the end, this movie left me with the same empty feeling i had the one time i smoked pot. I had certain expectations, and they were not lived up to. granted, i didnt thropw up after seeing D&D, but the feeling afterward was similar. Naseuos, empty and wishing i had done something else with my time.
If you havent seen it, DONT WATCH IT! go out and shoot dog shit with a beebee gun. it is a better use of your time and infintely more satisfying.
If you choose to see it, dont say i didnt warn you.
if you have seen it, then you know why people who went to Vietnam have severely altered views on life. it CHanges you, and not for the better.
Let me start off by saying i am 28, and have been a hardcore AD&D nerd since i was 12. I had HIGH hopes for this movie. I saw the trailer, but still maintained some hope. My roommate skipped out of work with a freind to see it. He came home shaking his head. i thought "oh come on, it couldnt be that bad..."
I have never been more wrong. Accepting a date over the internet while drunk was a better decision, and at least the date was a better time. (Nice girl. not interested in being her baby's new daddy, but what are you gonna do)
I watched it once, on my pc, with the above mentioned roommate. he took sadistic pleasure in watching me squirm. "Hey, at least you didnt have to pay to see it." he kept saying... it was small consolation.
I watched it a year later with my wife (while she was still just a girlfreind). My constant bitching whenever it came up piqued her curiosity, so she insisted. I warned her. she wouldnt relent. plus, i wanted to see if i was just giving it a bad rap.
I wasnt.
It starts off with some crap witrh a dragon. it doesnt matter, it has no bearing on the plot, Jeremy Irons was terrible, and there is a big armored twit that wears blue lipstick (Bruce Payne of Full Eclipse and Passenger 57 fame. Not a bad actor, but a terrible character). There are flames. something about a dragon. and it moves on to our main characters.
Some skinny white dude who wants to be a wizard, but is a theif. (*cough* STEREOTYPE! *cough*), and "Snails". Marlon Wayans. Sadly, he is the best thing in the movie. But it's marlon wayans. You KNOW if you are thinking "Hey, that was kinda funny" when watching him, the rest of the movie must be sucking really hard. or you are watching Scary Movie.
Thora Birch is in this. Remember American Beauty? Maybe Patriot Games? She is a talented actress. If this was the first thing you ever saw her in,you would think she is a no-talent retard.
There is also a wizard chick. The "Love interest". She is kind of a poor man's Claire Danes. She is a shitty actress as well.
Lets mention a few things about the D&D game. Characters have levels, which reflect their skills. A young wizard, at an academy would probably be level 1 or 2. They can cast tiny spells, that can launch little fire thingies and such. They CAN NOT cast dimension doors out of thin air. Which she does.
There is a dwarf. He is not a SHORT dwarf. in fact, he is a giant dwarf. which makes him a stocky human. He is also thoroughly disgusting. Gimli was harsh and a little rough around the edges. This dumbass burps constantly and smears food all over his face. But he has a Horned HelmeT! he MUST be a dwarf!
Oh, and then there is the elf. the Black elf. no offense to anyone who thinks i am being racist, but i dont think there were ever any african elves in d&d. there are Dark elves, but they live deep underground and are BLACK, as in the absence of color, not "cappucino" from the crayola box. But i guess marlon also needed a "love interest".
I think the elf was limp attempt at the "forbidden fruit" concept that was heavy in the Dragonlance novels, and LOTR. Humans and elves shouldnt mix, so it goes. i guess you cant have a fantasy story without this "confilct".
You may have noticed i havent talked much about the plot yet. Well, it doesnt have one. It Tries to, but ti fails. Some shit about thora being the queen Amidala of D&D land, and jeremy irons wants to take over, somethingabout a dragon scepter or something, a coup of some sort... Whatever. it doesnt matter, because, really, it doesnt matter.
When i read that the director was a "long-time fan of D&D", i didnt realise that they must have meant the cartoon, which still had nothing to do with the game, but was infintely better.
There is much "running from the bad guys". There is a part where the openly evil blue-lipped guy has some evil worm things put in his ears because he had a momnet of conscience. It is completely out of character, since he is a bad guy through and through, and they only touch on the idea once, maybe twice more throughout the movie. and neither part is particularly called for. i think they were going for a "darth vader" type character. No points off for, trying, i guess.
Wait, scratch that. 4 points off for trying and fucking it up worse than i thought possible.
there is much running, and precious few scenes with anything remotely related to the game. thereis an imp, sure sign that mr irons is bad. Of course, it is jeremy irons, so of course the character is evil. This movie would be even less than nothing if it didnt have sterotypes for EVERYTHING.
Have you been dying to see your favorite dungeons and dragins monsters in live action in a movie?!?! then look no further!
Because they dont fucking exist. Itll save you some time and a headache. there is maybe one orc in the movie. it is in a bar. in the city.:rolleyes: Wernt orcs rampaging monsters that were shot on sight by the city guard before they got close? oops, wait, that is in Dungeons and Dragins, which this movie has nothing to do with. My bad. Oh yeah, and the makeup sucks. The alines in the mos eisly cantina in starwars were more convincing, and that was from almost 30 years ago.
Eventually, we get introduced to the kingof the thieves guild (i think), because, you cant have a fantasy story with a thief and not have a thieves guild. it is played by Richard O'Brien. Another wasted talent. He was Mr Hand in Dark City, and the guy who wrote the Rocjy Horror Picture show. No kidding, really. He is the best thing in this movie. And he obviously wasnt trrying. he seemed as though he was just fucking around and having a good time. Good. At least SOMEONE got some enjoyment out of this debacle.
there is some maze thing that our "hero" has togo through to get something he needs. i think. its boring.
thereis a visit to the elven forest at one point. its about as "magic" as a trip down an alleyway in boston. Oh yeah, and the elf leader? A jolly old fat man. yep, a fat, wrinkled elf. Remember Lord of the Rings? Legolas? Haldir? Galadriel? All graceful and good looking. in other words, ELVES, not some fat wrinkled douche with pointy ears. Hell, there werent even any fat vulcans.
eventually they end up at some evil people's base. ithink there was a "rug of smothering" at some point. i dont recall. Later, snails gets killed by blue lipped darth, and we get the most horrible over-acted scene, ever. (Queue the Comic Book Guy: Worst scene ever)
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!O!O!O!O!O!O!O!O!O!O!"
Complete with the "fall to the knees" (located in "cliche's, aisle 5), and the "from-above camera pull-away" (located in the same department, aisle 4 next to "smart alecky, but loveable kids").
some more stuff happens. He goes into a "dungeon" (see? SEE?!?! DUNGEOns and dragons... A titular scene, good for them.....) Where upon he discovers a talking skeleton. a benevolent, talking skeleton, that guards treasure, but lets the little asshole just TAKE themost powerful magic artifact in the world. "Hell, you have arms, you have what it takes to weild such power". Okay, i made that up, but he may as well have said that.
Eventually, thereis a huge *ahem* "climactic" battle involving dragons (see? SEE?!?! Dungeons AND Dragons! titular scene number 2!!). This movie is the greatest argument against CGI creatures ever put to film. it sucked. thereis one scene which hearkens back to an old Larry Elmore painting of a mounted red dragon chasing a gold one through a valley from Dragonlance. Blink an you'll miss it. it is the only remotley intersting thing to happen in the whole film.
The heros win, and the very end of the movie has the 4 "freinds" at "snail'" grave. I use the term freinds loosely because these were the people shownh to be good guys throughout the movie, and have apprently bonded in the 30 minutes of actual talking they have done together in their lifetime.
And then the most inexplicable thing happens. they all turn itno little glowing, colored lights, and float away. the words "WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!" spring to mind easily when recalling this part. is there any precedent? is there any REASON? nope. sorry. no closure. no logic. just little floating fireworks. THIS is why Michael Meyers killed. It has to be. There has to be SOME excuse for this, and that is the best i can do. So, it came out almost 20 years ATFER the first halloween movie? Shut up, you big stupid. it's just proof that Mikey is ahead of his time.....or not...
In the end, this movie left me with the same empty feeling i had the one time i smoked pot. I had certain expectations, and they were not lived up to. granted, i didnt thropw up after seeing D&D, but the feeling afterward was similar. Naseuos, empty and wishing i had done something else with my time.
If you havent seen it, DONT WATCH IT! go out and shoot dog shit with a beebee gun. it is a better use of your time and infintely more satisfying.
If you choose to see it, dont say i didnt warn you.
if you have seen it, then you know why people who went to Vietnam have severely altered views on life. it CHanges you, and not for the better.